Some of it sounds a bit generational... like the discipline techniques are totally different. A lot of that generation just doesn’t get it. They have a more authoritarian/1950s view of life and just can’t empathize with the realities of the new world.
Now I understand, that no one wants to raise a snow flake - but i think that generation jumps on that idea that we are raising snowflakes and rebels against it with a really insensitive approach. I don’t think it’s even possible to get through to many of them. They just can’t see past what’s been instilled in them and they don’t want to either because then they would have to face guilt, and demons.
You are a great mom. Your daughter is super lucky to have you. And you are super lucky to have such a great kid. I do wish that you were able to receive more support and help from your family and I would be really frustrated too because I would have expected more help and support after all you went through. When I read your foo, I am just so impressed with how healthy and successful of an individual and parent you are. You survived a lot and continue to grow. And you just remained a really good person.
Hi sweetie. I can feel your struggle all the way over here. I am sorry for it. I know you know that you will get through it, but, when we are in the thick of it, we cant always feel that.
I think you are trying to deal with so many emotions right now and have a demanding job and a young lady entering the tougher years and it is a lot.
So maybe you can break it down some and try to find ways to manage some of it. Your feelings about the end of your relationship are normal. You are trying to rush thru them and it doesnt work that way. Because if you do, they come back around to bite you. So cry if you need to, get angry if you need to...try to work thru those feelings in what ever way works for you...exercise, hitting something...cleaning, screaming..whatever. Eventually, they will subside.
I dont think you need to figure out why it didnt work out or if there is something wrong with you...(there isnt) right now. Just feel what you feel til they wash over you. All that other stuff up in your head will get sorted out when they need to be.
Try to figure out ways to simplify your life some. Put things that arent absolutely necessary to get done on the back burner for now. Do only what you have to while you are in this state.
As far as your father goes, I am of the mind that people are who they are and we cant change them. The only thing we can change is our reaction to them. I dont think there is anything wrong with you telling your father your feelings. They are yours and they are valid. You just cant have much expectations about his reaction.
I do think we teach people how to treat us. And I think you being a people pleaser and the feelings you have about him helping you out are all tangled up in your head.
I think you know your father loves you. That doesnt give him the right to say the things he does, but, it is important that you really believe that. I think you do need to let some of it, while hurtful, roll off your back right now. As I said, he is who he is. But you know your truth and that is what matters.
If you must respond, a simple I am sorry you feel that way. Little G loves you both. And then move along.
Perhaps when you are in a better place mentally, you can tell him all the things you are bottling up inside. Again, that is for you...he probably wont hear you.
So, go easy on yourself, my friend. You are doing wonderfully. <3
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough go lately. Good for you for NOT texting M. You absolutely do not want him to think you are sitting around pining for him because you are definitely not. I know it takes a while to get over someone, especially when you love as hard and as loyally as you do, but you need to cut yourself some slack. The problem was NOT with you, but with M. I pray, at some point in the near future, you will be able to look back at some of your own posts more objectively and see that you were becoming unhappy in your relationship because M really wasn't meeting your needs. He'd pull farther and farther back and you would debate about whether to say anything and then you would rationalize why or why not. I think a lot of us saw it, but you didn't because you were in too deep and you were making excuses for him. You deserved so much more then and you still do, so don't sell yourself short. As I have told you before, it is ok to wallow in it for a bit, but don't unpack and live there. When you are ready, get up, dust yourself off and ride on with your head held high.
As far as your dad, I know you are in a tough spot. You know he loves you and your daughter, but he can be difficult and unrelenting in his opinions. Just try to take a breath and realize that you have done and are continuing to do a fantastic job with your daughter. She has many positive qualities that are directly a result of how you have raised her. And, the negative qualities that ALL children have....well, those are called "teenager". LOL Seriously, G, your daughter is beautiful, strong, smart, seems to be pretty level-headed and those are ALL qualities that can be directly attributed to YOUR influence. She has a fantastic role model in you. She's very lucky.
It is really easy, especially when you are going through a tough time, to see all the negative aspects and to compare those negative aspects to other peoples' positive aspects, but you really do have a lot going for you. Some day, you will find a man who is worthy of all that you are and have to offer. Until then, hang in there and keep posting here or doing whatever you have to do to stay distanced from M. He is so not worth your time and energy.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Wow. I am humbled by your understanding and responses. It is indeed a very tough time for me. There is so much happening at once that I am spinning. And I feel so freakin’ alone. I’ve got you guys, my have supportive friends, but not a real partner. No family. It’s scary sometimes. My coworkers luckily are supportive too. We are like a family at work.
My dad:
I know he loves me. He’s all I ever had. I never expressed anything because I’m scared to lose him. I do wish he would just listen sometimes. But that is something he doesn’t know how to do, just listen. He invalidates my feelings all the time. If a guy screws me over, I’m not supposed to be sad. I’m supposed to “know” he was awful and just move past it and not feel anything. When my ex left I moved in with him for 2 and a half months, from the night he dropped the bomb. But there was so much friction. He just felt I should hate him and move on. He had me sitting in a lawyers office 4 days after he left and dropped the bomb and all I did was cry. I had to go back home because I couldn’t take being told how to feel. I was supposed to get over M in a day because he “knew he wasn’t being a good partner” if I express a feeling, I was told what I did wrong to get myself in that position. And he doesn’t do it to be mean. I think he does it because he hates his daughter hurts and it’s easier for him if I don’t hurt. He gets mad when I don’t share anything with him, but when I do I get hell. I’m supposed to tell him if I need money and on the very rare occasion I do, I get a lecture and he guilts me that he has his own stuff to pay for. So I shut up. Because I can’t win. I love him dearly, and I hope one day I can talk to him openly without it him guilting me. I know he’s always worried about me, and my one hope is that he doesn’t have to. I wish for his sake I can say I am happy, in love, and financially stable for his peace of mind. I wanted this thing to work out with M for his sake too. Yeah, I can make it on my own, but not without struggle. I also know he won’t change. So I guess I just kind of gave up. Keep it on a need to know basis. Don’t express emotions unless I’m totally happy.
M- yes, I am trying to rush through everything because it’s painful. I want the pain gone. And I wasn’t happy and I know it. I tried to convince myself I was, but when I posted my dissatisfaction, I knew what was happening wasn’t right. I have luckily stopped figuring out what went wrong. I think what I wanted most was for him to tell me it was him. Not say something was missing between us. I would believe it was him. I don’t want to feel like everything was fake, his love for me was a lie and that I wasn’t enough for him. I could probably be at ease knowing he could tell me it was something within him. I know it wasn’t me, or something lacking in me, but I needed to hear it. My ego maybe? My wish is not for him to come back to me. It’s for him to say he’s sorry, he loved me as much as he claimed, he wanted me as a part of his life, but he can’t handle it . But I need to get over that desire. And he doesn’t deserve for me to pine over him. Which is why I will never reach out when the urge is strong. He wasn’t a partner to me. He was very self centered and I don’t need that. It also hurts a lot that I gave so much and it was not appreciated. Even if it wasn’t returned it was like it was meaningless to him.
My aunt got transferred today for open heart surgery. It’s tomorrow morning. Everyone is scared. My uncle is even flying across the country. I said I would be here for anything they need. My mother was one of 4, and the two youngest died, and the two oldest are left.
Work. I got my patient out! Yay! It was a lot of work on this past week. They thanked me very much. Today my boss called me and said the hospital is starting a discharge planning task force. One RN case manager will represent and one social worker. My boss chose me as an RN case manager. Sadly, the first thing that went through my mind was “I bet no one else wanted to do it, that’s why they asked me” I’m the newest one. By far. So I was shocked. I’m thinking the others are done with the stuff like this. I should be feeling honored that I was chosen. I shouldn’t be so negative. Either way, it will be excellent for my resume and I plan to go for my certification in case management when I am eligible. At work today we had a lunch CEU with an elder care lawyer. Then one tonight a retirement community with an elder care lawyer. 2 catered meals and wine! Winner!
My FOO. Thank you juju. I honestly don’t know how I made it here. Some days o feel like a complete failure, others, like a complete success who beat the odds. I think I am minimally F’ed up considering the circumstances. I struggle every day of my life. But I accomplished a lot. I did it all completely on my own. I raised a child as a solo mom and I’m a child who never had a “normal “ mom to model. I messed up a lot, but all in all, pretty good. When I tell people about my child hood and young adulthood, people have literally asked me how I am so well adjusted. I seriously don’t even know. I made a really bad decision in my ex, but the outcome was a beautiful daughter.
I do pray a guy comes in my life who is everything i ever wanted. I still want my happy ending. I know I can stand on my own, but I desire to stand by someone. Someone who doesn’t take me for granted. So I guess now I am open to that.
Sigh. Thanks again for all your support. I’ve been crying myself to bed every night and then waking up just staring at the ceiling feeling so alone. But I know I’ve Got some great support
The weather today was perfect so after work, D12, the dog and I went to the park and took a nice brisk walk. There is a little dog park there and our dog had a ball with another dog there . We came home and D12 made thebdinner she had chosen. I assisted and it came out great! She made select choir and that will be Tuesday and Thursday mornings which works because it’s on my way to work and I would pass by there at drop off time anyways. I’ll bring her BFF and her dad said he would drive them to school on the very cold days. We have a good thing going on with them and help each other out a lot. It was nice spending some quality time with D12 today, it’s been a while since we truly spent quality time together .
I forgot to say that D12 forged my signature on something a parent needed to sign. She freaked out because she was at her dads and would have been late with it if she waited to come back to my house. I said to her “ you know your dad can sign things, right?” It honestly didn’t occur to her. I’m the one who always does it. So I was forgiving and explained to her why that’s wrong and what he alternatives are.
I still haven’t spoken to my dad. He texted me and he didn’t apologize but I think he is sorry. I haven’t found the emotional energy to call him. I am just tapped.
My aunt had a triple bypass and so far so good and all went well, thank god.
I’ve been seeing all this cool stuff I want to do. Different breweries I want to try, different events. And I don’t have anyone to go with. I was thinking I would just go myself. M used to think women who went to a bar alone were desperate looking. I just happen to really like beer. Of course this stuff would be so much more fun with others, but when there is no one, why miss out? There are places I want to see and travel too. Of course money inhibits me, but even small trips. I can do them on my own.
Well, I am going to happy hour Friday with some ex coworkers I was close with. I can’t wait to see them again. It should be fun.
This is such a tough time of the year for me. Last year was full of hope and so excited because I met this great guy who had potential. For once I wasn’t feeling SEasonal affective disorder . I was having fun, dating who I thought was a great guy and having new experiences. I was also buying a house. This year, that guy is gone and I can barely afford my house.
Oh, and I miss his son a lot. And am unsettled by how he must feel, what he was told, etc. but, nothing I can do.
I decided to call my dad at work today. What a huge mistake. I was hoping we could just get past it all, but he let it rip. I won’t get into the details, but he basically made it as he saw her one day, didn’t like what he saw and thinks there is this huge problem that intervention. I was furious. I told him “you see her one day a month and on that day she is off and you get to determine that there is some big problem that has to be handed???” It’s utterly ridiculous. He has the right to say something when he spends more than one day a month with her. But she had an off day, didn’t feel like having a conversation, and didn’t jump off the couch when they walked in the door. I spend everyday with my daughter who has bad days and good days and gets corrected when she is wrong. She’s a great kid going through some changes and that’s it. It not an emergency here.
When he told me “we do everything for her” and expect more appreciation from her I almost went through the roof. He brought up the Christmas gift of 2015 when they got us a Disney trip. And the tome they took us to an indoor water park as another Christmas gift . I’m sorry, but being here more in her everyday life is being for her.
Everything gets held over everyone’s head with him. They don’t talk to a lot of my stepmothers family and he brought that up and says it’s because everyone takes him their kind generosity for granted. WTF??? I realize that they really alienated everyone else. I don’t think he realizes what he’s done with this. I don’t want to be around them. I want to avoid them. I am so sick of the drama and everything being about them. Where I am in my life, I just want to protect myself. And it’s sad, the only family member I have, I need to distance myself from
My coworker actually had to pretend a patient needed me because he would [censored] up and kept going. She said it loudly. I cried at work, but I cried with my safe people. They couldn’t believe it. They could hear him.
This on top of the a hole who screamed at me about eggs in front of a line of people. It was insane. And this was at my work. The owner of the cafe.
I am so sorry that your father acted like an @ss. I would have had to say "sorry dad, I am hanging up since you cannot speak to me in a civil manner" and then I would have hung up. What right does he have to go off on you like that? True, you are his daughter, but you are an adult and know your daughter best. When you give a gift to someone, you don't hold it over their head until they die for goodness sake. He should be proud of you and your daughter for you both have come such a long way. Ginger, I hate to say this, but your father has no right to lord it over you and your daughter. They aren't there every day or even weekly and do not know what goes on in your home. Do not call him again....he needs to settle down and when he sees you aren't running to him and begging for mercy, maybe he'll start to think about being a real dad and be there for his daughter and her child and not create such a mess that neither one wants to be around him or his wife.
As for the cafe incident...report him. No one has the right to yell at you or any other customer.
You are strong, but you don't have to take that verbal abuse from anyone. Got that! Don't take it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ginger - I empathize with your pain. The grief from close family can be just so staggering. I know from personal experience. I had to cut my mom out of my life because she was just too toxic. I didn't want her garbage to filter down to my children and I wanted to keep them away from her insanity. She's a classic textbook narcissist and I realized that for my mental well being, I needed to not just have her out of the life of my kids, but mine also. It was a tough decision but I am so happy that I made it. My life has improved for the better.
I am not saying that this is what you need to do, but just expressing that strong boundaries are needed sometimes. Look up Nicole Lepera and listen to some podcasts where she's been a guest recently. She talks about this, specifically with one's own family and her experience doing so.
I am sorry this is happening to you and it just truly $ucks.
Thanks. Really, I am not willing to tolerate this. I do need very firm boundaries . Problem is with my dad he sees “boundaries” as a restriction on speaking his mind, and he doesn’t like that.
I am very sad. I feel like I lost the only family I had. The only parent I had. The only one I had for my entire life. I just keep losing people. But this isn’t right and I’m not going to allow it just to keep them around. I definitely need a breather from him.
I think I am calling out sick tomorrow. I need a mental health day
