Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Visited my aunt. Unfortunately when she is in the hospital, she sundowns and she wa going a little wacky when I was there. I’m hoping she stays calm tonight and doesn’t get too out of control. But she’s kind of sick. At least I know she’s got the really good nurses caring for her. She becomes my patient on Monday so I will really be able to look into the chart.

Oh the devalue stage. I hate to say it, but it isn’t a stage. He devalues from beginning to end. This is going to be her life for as long as they are together. She puts up with it.

A good portion of people come to this board and say how their spouse changed and they used to be loving and caring and things were great. My ex is exactly as advertised since day 1. I was just in a bad place and felt I deserved it.

I do believe I dodged bullets with M. I’m the similarity with my ex where M just takes and is self centered. He devalued me in a different way. More in a P/A kind of way. I just wasn’t important to him. He could take or leave me I guess and he showed his true colors when I had needs. And he really was very careless with my heart. And my daughter’s, and his sons. I hope I opened the door for something better. I hope I still have a chance to be with someone who does appreciate and value me. I’m really missing having someone around. Someone to do the fun fall stuff with. Having a date. Last fall was awesome. I hope to find someone I can have fun and do stuff with. But I’m not looking, so not likely.

I got my new bedroom set today and mattress. The set is beautiful. I’m trying to make my bedroom a happy place. D went to her friends for a sleepover after her game. I hope I get sleep tonight, I’ve been couch surfing and the dog won’t let me sleep. My new mattress should be nice.

Sigh. I’m such a downer lately I a make myself miserable. I gotta get out of this and see positives. But I feel just hopeless lately. I think it’s everything combined with the money issues. It’s got to get better.

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Posting here as to the urge to text M is the strongest it’s ever been since we broke up. I very badly wants to ask him how his son is,how he is, etc. but I have to remember he couldn’t give 2 craps about us. This is tough.ive never exhibited this much control before .but I’m becoming weak today. We hadD 12’s b day dinner tonight and I was so sure that M and S would be there. It’s been a month today.

This is hArd. But I’m going to stay strong

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
yes, do
xoxoxo I'm proud of you G


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,142
Likes: 5
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,142
Likes: 5
Way way way back.... when I would get urges to text XW... I would do some push ups. It was surprisingly helpful.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Good job G.......value yourself, hold the line!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
No contact is the best advice. We know that. It’s like sugar or carbs or drugs. You gotta get through each day and avoid him like he’s an addictive substance or your not gonna get over him.

I understand feeling bad about a kid. But I read somewhere that children do have to experience losing people in their lives. It’s part of life and we try so hard to protect them - but loss is natural. They go through new teachers and new friends and different coaches each year and they are fine.

Just give yourself things to do when the urge comes up to call. Cleannor call a friend or exercise. You can do this!


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I stayed strong. I didn’t do it. I hopefully never will. He doesn’t deserve my caring. His son does, his mom does, he doesn’t. And it’s obvious he doesn’t care about us.

Today was such a draining day. Everything that could go wrong with trying to get my patient home did. I’ve been working my butt of on this case for a week. They didn’t go. My aunt had a cardiac cath and she needs bypass surgery. She will get transferred to a sister hospital this week for it. Unfortunately she is super duper high risk and I’m afraid of how she will come through this. She is serious multi vessel disease and so many other problems that make her high risk. My cousin is freaking out.

Then my dad. Again. They came yesterday to take my D out to dinner for her birthday. I thought everything was fine..... well, I get a text admits my crazy day from my dad that we need to talk. And I ask “what about?” Apparently him and his wife are deeply hurt because my daughter wasn’t jumping all over the place excited to see them, she was being a typical -2 year old and didn’t feel like talking about school. She didn’t want to have conversations and she “barely said goodbye” which wasn’t true. I had to run out when they got here and apparently she walked out of the room mid convo or something? So I tell my dad to feel free to address her. He says he did and it was to no avail. They do “everything “ for her and they are hurt and disrespected and want my support.

I’m seriously like WTF at this point. He is so dramatic all of the time. My daughter can be a snobby preteen, you call her when she’s disrespecting and you move on. But they are SO hurt. By a 12 year old who’s just not 6 anymore and all about their visit.

This fuels my fire a little about a lot of unsaid things to my father. They do not do everything for her. They come by maybe once a month. They aren’t “here” they don’t know what her daily life is like, what mine is with her.... nothing. They stop. Y every now and then, but her something and take her out to dinner. They got mad when she didn’t call them up when she was at her dads on “grandparents day” what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to hear it. I’m over here raising her solo for the past 13 years. If they are so concerned they could be more of a presence. Every day I teeter on the verge of a nervous breakdown and now this? I don’t need this. My kid is a good kid, she gets corrected when she’s being disrespectful and sassy and that’s that.

Some of this stuff I just can’t make up. He doesn’t get it, won’t acknowlege what I’m going through just trying to get through each day and doing this solo.

I’m shot. I almost cried at work today and my coworker had me go take a 5 minute breather. I didn’t even get to eat lunch today. Having someone there I miss, because coming home and having no one asking you how your day is or talking about it is lonely when you go through really tough times. Then again, the guy I had broke up with me when I tried to talk about them.

I’m just alone. Alone and tired and on the edge. But even there, I won’t do anything like texted M.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
1) Yeah, your dad is inappropriate. It's one thing to say "hey, she was kinda snotty, you might want to work on that some more". It's another thing to have expectations that it will be ALL ABOUT THEM instead of the granddaughter. I'm sorry that you're stuck in a position where you need to maintain peace with him for financial and other reasons. But I'm gonna validate that this wasn't ideal parent/grandparent behavior. I'm not sure what your father's deficiency is (is he a narcissist? OCPD? Just super controlling? Early dementia?). Just be aware that he has some serious limitations and don't expect too much from him. It just sets you up for disappointment.

2) As for M, DON'T YOU DARE CONTACT HIM and give him the SATISFACTION of thinking you're pining for him. Turn your energies towards creating a more fulfilling social life so that you're ok with or without a man and more ready to meet the RIGHT one.

3) I'm so sorry about your aunt. I hope she comes through her surgery well.

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Thank you for validating me. It’s such strange behavior. Like, ok, my kid is a little snobby at times and it’s rolling out the red carpet for anymore. It’s just weird. It’s not about a 12 year old trying to hurt them. He should know that. And not a position I want to be in. I would say he's OCPD. And he always has to be right. And everything is guilt ridden with him. And he gaslights when it comes to the money. He makes me think I’m crazy sometimes. I love him, he raised me, bit he’s just too much these days.

I feel horribly alone in this world. Raising a daughter alone from birth with no one to lean on, no mother figure, no husband is hard. You pretty much doubt yourself all the time, you have no one to tell you are doing a good job or give support. It’s a very lonely existence within that.

I absolutely do not want to give M the satisfaction of thinking I’m lining over him. I really was too good for him. He should be lining for me.

Saw a great meme on FB today “stop expecting YOU from people. So much truth

Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And he always has to be right. And everything is guilt ridden with him.


Ginger,

Many years ago, when I worked at the university, I had a work-study student that worked for me. I knew her older sister before I'd ever met her. I remember the day she came to my office looking for a job. She was a chubby cheeked, tangle haired 17 year old. I hired her. She seemed so sweet, innocent and unsuspecting that I felt protective of her. I was afraid university life would eat her alive.

One day she said to me, "You always tell me I'm wrong." My response was, "No I don't!" It took me a few seconds to realize what I'd said, and then both of us broke out in belly laughter.

She was right. In my effort to be protective, I wasn't respecting her judgement. She was smart and resourceful and I should've known and acknowledged that. I had to change my ways. I'm happy to say that we're still friends today.

The point is, I'm sure your dad is not trying to be malicious, he's just trying to be a dad, but he doesn't realize that sometimes all he needs to do is listen.

Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard