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Originally Posted by DonH
If there is anything I've learned and confirmed for myself, it's that for the most part, people don't change. They may alter but other than some life changing events they are who they are. So it does not surprise me one bit that your ex has not changed. We are who we are, we do what we do. We may change course slightly but full change is rare. Also, as lame as the statement may be, once a cheater always a cheater has some truth to it - because, well, because people don't change!


yeap... Don beat me to it. My XW is the same way and that was eventually the straw that broke the camels back. Even when she wanted to reconcile, it was clear to me that I would be in the same exact spot a year or two down the line. So for that reason, I am actually grateful that things ended when they did for me. Change is hard.

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Totally agree with Don and pinn. People do not change. Changing outward things is easy so that happens but changing who one inherently IS rarely happens. As Don said, it’s kind of cliche to say “once a cheater, always a cheater”, but cliches are cliches for a reason, right?

I’m also a fan of a couple of other cliches that seem to fit here: “actions speak louder than words” and “when someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them”. Girl, you got the very best part of your XH and she’s adorable and will grow up to be a strong woman because she has a great role model.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Its a huge source of shame for me. I’m literally nauseated by the many mistakes I made at 19 and subsequently marrying him. I did it all put of abandonment and fear. And it set the tone for pretty much my whole adulthood. And it’s in my face all the time.

I wish I could get out of here. Out of this state. Away from everything shoved in my face every day. I hope to get that chance one day.

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I’ve been alone all day and my mind is really getting away from me. I was productive today, went grocery shopping, mowed the lawn, made a new dish ( which was delicious,) vacuumed, did some laundry. I can’t relax though. I’ve hit the depression. You’d never know it, because I am very high functioning, but there is a part of me that is hurting badly for many reasons.

What am I going to do? Well, do what I do so well. I get up, do what I got to do the. Repeat the next day.

But I am feeling lots of loss right now. It stinks

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I'm so sorry honey {{{{{{{Ginger}}}}}}}

you are not alone xoxoxo

your dinner looked fabulous btw


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I’m sorry too ginger. It’s normal to feel that way after a relationship ends. Bad feelings are part of the cycles of life and it [censored] when you are feeling like you at the bottom part of the cycle. It does hurt. How could it not? That’s totally normal. It won’t last though. You will heal. And you will grow from this because you are smart and self aware.

I was depressed after my last breakup. I was in a really bad mood and felt down. It helped me to recognize those feelings and acknowledge why I felt that way. Like you, I also felt relief - because I was unhappy in the relationship - but still felt depressed after it was over. I did know that those feelings were temporary and I gave myself 3 months to get myself back. Which is exactly what I needed. During those 3 months I did a lot of self care which helped. And I just kind of allowed myself to feel and accept those negative feelings and feeling of hurt.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I had hopes I would avoid this stage. But I’m deep in it. I even did go to bargaining and I just wished he would come back and tell me what a huge mistake he made.

It’s really hard when someone kept preaching a future and love just disappears. And I mean, he disappeared. With a “sorry, something is missing for me. You deserve to be happy and I’m sorry I can’t be the one to make you happy” and that was that. Poof, he’s gone. Yeah, I wasn’t all that thrilled the relationship. But I wouldn’t just say after a year and what we invested and say “ this isnt working” before trying to make it work. Which I was doing. Because I did love him. And I was trying to communicate and work with him and instead, he runs. I was thinking of all he said, looking at what he wrote in my birthday card in June, remembering the night in July he told he doesn’t know how he got so lucky....

I am reeling unable to make sense of it all still. And I never will. But this cold turkey is hard. I feel like it’s so over, but at the same time it’s unfinished business.

And I’m down. Life is really hard right now. But even when it was, I had my days with him I looked forward to. The dates. Feeling safe laying in his arms. It’s all gone. But I guess I have to remember when I told him things were hard, he negated me then broke up with me. Not a very good support anyways.

I’m just repeating myself, and I’m just really down in it now. It’ll pass eventually. I’m trying self care, but really I’m all around struggling. And my light at the end of the tunnel is gone.

And I don’t know why, but knowing my Ex is still the same kind of scum really upsets me. I almost thought I would feel better about it. I just don’t. I just feel more ashamed that he is the one person I married and had a child with. And I knew what he was capable of and I did it anyways.

And I have been thinking a lot about “what-if’s“ what if my dad did not leave my senior year and I wasn’t left with my mother going off the deep end? Would I have stuck it though in college because I wouldn’t have the immense amount of stress and shame I carried around? I pretty much know I wouldn’t have given my ex the time of day or hurt my friend the way I did if I wasn’t abandoned and scared. Everything just crumbled for me in a very important time of my life. I’m pretty sure it would have been immensely different. And I’m angry at my dad for it. Something i have never ever expressed to him and I most likely never will because he is all I have and I don’t want to hurt him.


I got through work today. I came home, messed up a new recipe because I lost my ricotta cheese, got an estimate on my masonry work I need. I really PO’d at my home inspector because he missed a lot. This is my first time homeowning without M around and he really did help me immensely.

I’m looking forward to bedtime now even though it’s 6:30.

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Someone I know is going through a somewhat similar thing, although much shorter lived. An old high school friend started communicating with her online, he lives in a different state but has tons of frequent flyer miles from work, came to visit her and treated her like a princess, took her on a nice trip. He has money and promises were made about their future, he bought her things, she thought it was all great and WASN'T SUFFICIENTLY SUSPICIOUS of someone coming on so strong (they're in their 50's). Long story short, he returned home and apparently is an alcoholic who fell off the wagon, broke up with her over Messenger, has two DUI's. She's smart enough not to take him back but is bummed out because she had been imagining this great future with him. . (No he's not married and no hint of an OW). I think he broke up with her because he's fallen off the wagon.

You KNOW in your head this isn't about you, but it's time you learn to FEEL IT in your heart.

kml #2864812 09/10/19 12:21 AM
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G, don't you dare take on the fact that your exh is and was an as#ho#e. First of all, that is on him. Second of all, you were young and in a difficult home sitch. You did the best you could with the knowledge and experience you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better.

The fact that he still is an idiot, is no reflection on you. None. Move past this one quickly, sweetie. He is who he is and who he always was. Thank God you didn't stay with him.

As far as M.. you know, G, we try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I learned a lot on this journey and still made a mistake with the man I was with before R. I trusted that he would do the right thing and he didn't and let me down. It was because I had hope. I had hope that people, regardless of my exh, are basically decent. And most are...but many aren't.

I think we keep learning lessons and truthfully, I keep having faith that people are going to do the right thing. I am disappointed a lot, but, its on them, not on me. I like that about me. I am not going to change who I am because people are who they are.

You wanted so much to find someone, and when you met someone who seemed decent, you went with it. Doesn't make you anything but kind and compassionate.

But...we do need to learn from our experiences. We do need to see what we need to see. I do think that you had some stuff you were starting to feel and you should have paid attention to those feelings. But that hope was so strong you didnt.

Now you know that you need to regroup. You need to really understand that you cannot let the hope and want blind you to the things that are important to see.

You loved him, G. I know how you love. So you are going to feel how you do now. You cant rush through this, G. You just cant. You have to go through all the feelings to come out the other side.

The most important thing right now is this. You need to know how great you are. That is the key here. When you know your worth, you are able to be more discerning in whom you choose. When you really know, you will not settle, you will not let hope cloud your vision, you will not accept less than you deserve. Until you get this...you will continue to make the kinds of choices you do. Sorry, but, it's the truth. You have to come from a place of strength.

You know you got this, my friend.You have been through far worse. Feel the feelings, then let them wash over you when you are ready.

I am over here praying for you and rooting you on.

You are amazing. Love you.

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I really needed to hear from you, UR, thank you. Honesty truth and understanding.

I definitely began to had feelings something wasn’t right and I was trying to keep my eyes wide open. I guess they weren’t open enough, because of the hope. I held on because I had hope his words were true. And some of his actions. I did love him pretty hard along with his family. It was big for me to trust. And I think my issue is he just let me down so badly.

At a year in, people are thinking about moving in together, getting engaged etc, and I get dumped.

I guess what ya me so freaked, and this may sound a little conceited, but, I am a catch! I love hard, I am funny, sweet, kind, self sufficient , a good mom, and I take care of myself. I’ll give anyone the shirt off my back and I’ll be there when you need me, no questions asked. And then a guy will tell me how awesome I am while they are breaking up with me. (except for my ex husband, he tore me apart). It simply baffles me. At that point my self esteem goes down the drain and I say “ what is wrong with me???” What is it that a guy eventually says how great I am but something is “missing” ( this wasn’t the first time” and I’m about to be 40 and I’ve spent the better part of my adult hood as a truly single mom. What can possibly be so great about me? Yes I can’t figure out what’s wrong.

There is nothing wrong with me. Except that the men i have married and dated couldn’t handle my awesomeness. They couldn’t match up and can’t admit that. They would rather blame it on “something being missing”

And I am trying to get my mind and heart to match up with the fact there was nothing missing, except his ability to love a woman who was not crazy and truly loved him through actions and words. I believe he didn’t know what to do with that.

My self worth is coming. And realizing how truly awesome I am, and rejection by broken men shouldn’t change that or take away.

In other news, my day at work was a challenge. I am expected to solve everyone’s problems when I got my own set of personal problems at home. Tryin to solve others problems at work all day leaves me in a place where I can’t focus on what I need to do for me and my life when I get home. I just [censored] down.

I went nuts on my daughter tonight. I come home every night and cook a nice meal, and often I have to cook 2 separate meals because she is soooooo picky and it’s ridiculous because we are 2 people. Tonight she first took butter that leaked onto one side of her plate and wiped it with a paper towel god forbid it touches her steak. Then she was going to eat steak and broccoli with her hands because she had to wash a fork! Then I cooked her broccoli the way she likes it and then mine the way I liked it and and it was a little softer than normal and she refused to eat it. I went nuts. I seriously can’t figure out if she has some sort of food disorder or she is just a princess and likes everything her way. I can’t keep up with pace anymore of having to cook things perfectly to her liking else she won’t eat it. Or cooking 2 meals because there are maybe a few basic things she will eat. Or I should just confirm to her and eat a hamburger, hot dog, pasta with butter ( god forbid it has red sauce) every night. The sad thing is I am a good cook, enjoy making new stuff, but when your kid is never happy with her meal, it’s depressing. I’m going to talk to her pediatrician in October because at 13 we need to do something about her food issues if it’s really some sort of problem. I’m too tired to keep up anymore.

Sorry. I come home to an empty house and have no one to talk about my day with anymore. So here it all is. And lately my days aren’t al that hot.

So thanks to whoever hung around to hear the rant

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