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A Message from Michele
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Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2874903
12/06/19 03:37 AM
12/06/19 03:37 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,160
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Ready2Change  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,160
Colorado

It is important to compartmentalize things now.

Take care of you:
1) Talk to med doc and get some sleep aid pills.
2) Ask about aint axiety meds - they help take the edge off
3) Force yourself to eat. Put reminders into your phone

Focus on your relationship with your Daughters:
1) Make your discussions with them about them, not your sitch


Prepare for legal battle with W. She is not your friend right now. You have one giant cookie to split in half. The lawyers want to take as big of bites from it as they can. Draft up your personal list of items with Big value. Try not to quibble over the little things.


At some point every night, tell yourself "I will worry/deal with it tomorrow". It can be whatever is currently going through your head. Write it down on a notpad next to your bed and let it go.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2874904
12/06/19 03:37 AM
12/06/19 03:37 AM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 50
Z
Zip Offline OP
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Zip  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 50
There are very few who felt it worth trying to salvage, and those who did think it worth trying have now agreed itís time to move on.

When friends and family say they knew she was done yrs ago, shows how blind some of us are to our R,

I donít think I was a great H, and know I gave her issues for trusting me. I also know when we discussed the issues, she didnít engage much at all. I thought the issues were resolved but hindsight now shows she never got over any issues and hence had serious consequences on our M and intimacy.

With that said, I do think I was an above H in trying to show her my love and affection. It fell on deft ears and I kept trying with minimum feedback. Canít be one way. Both conversations and affection. I often thought how I never saw her parents show affection in front of me over a 20 yr span. Could she be a product of her environment? Lessons learned.

All I know is this old dog will need to use these lessons learned moving into the future should I ever want another R.

Definitely not on my radar at this time although I wonder what a reciprocal relationship would be like.

Hard to hold back the emotions.....

Zip


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2874905
12/06/19 03:41 AM
12/06/19 03:41 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,160
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,160
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Originally Posted by Zip

Hard to hold back the emotions....


Find safe times/places to let them out. Never where W can see/hear etc.


Go for a drive and park the car someplace safe. Let them out there. Some cry quietly in the shower.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2874907
12/06/19 03:45 AM
12/06/19 03:45 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,160
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Offline
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Ready2Change  Offline
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R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,160
Colorado


sleep:


Deep breath in(nose). Deep breath out(mouth or nose). Repeat 10 times.

Keep breathing as above. Close your eyes. Focus on relaxing your face. Then focus on relaxing your chest. Then your arms. Then your hands. Then your legs. Then you feet.


Start at a 100 count down to 0 by 3s on every breath out. Repeat until you are out.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2874908
12/06/19 03:48 AM
12/06/19 03:48 AM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 50
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Zip Offline OP
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Zip  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2019
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Thanks R2C

Exhausted and turning in. Hopefully can get some sleep

Zip


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
Re: The last straw [Re: Ready2Change] #2874909
12/06/19 03:52 AM
12/06/19 03:52 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 408
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I second R2C's breathing exercises. Get onto them right now Zip. I find 4 seconds on the in breath and 5 seconds on the out really works for me.

I also repeat the mantra "calm" over and over in my head. I also like a mantra I heard "People love me and go out of their way to help me".

Get onto Davidji's guided meditations. His golden voice would put an ice addict to sleep.

Good luck buddy


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2874910
12/06/19 04:15 AM
12/06/19 04:15 AM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 138
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LovingIt Offline
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Originally Posted by Zip
Been thinking on the separation date being 9/2016...

Found out there is a diff between marital assets and earned assets. Earned assets are not included in a D if earned after the sep date. The marital assets are split at time of D.....so she is trying to protect her nest egg from me. She was able to earn and have min expenses as I was paying the mtge and other exp vs her. She didnít share this until around July this yr. I was not happy she has been withholding this as itís clear there was a motive to it...

Some feel she will lose if and when this date is challenged. She was in the marital bed until aug 3 2019. Up til then we have been a married couple but w/o sex for 3 yrs.

The other option may be to accept the date if all marital assets are valued at 9/16 values and I would get the diff in the values vs her. Itís interesting how you can get sc#@$d w/o even knowing itís coming.

Thoughts?

Zip


Sh*t... this is my worst fear with DB and not filing is that I might get blind sided / f*cked. I guess as a male, you will be screwed even if you go on the offensive and fire the first shot.

She can't just claim any separation date, you either have to agree or she has to prove it somehow. Talk to a lawyer, and do the math with both dates, and see what is most fair to you.

Last edited by LovingIt; 12/06/19 04:15 AM.
Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2874932
12/06/19 12:49 PM
12/06/19 12:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,683
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 7,683
Originally Posted by Zip

Then came thanksgiving....and the headway I was thinking was taking place definitely not taking hold. W informed me of why she wasnít going to my family gathering as we have for 30+yrs but instead to her sisters house. I was disappointed but agreed she should go. The reasons she gave were not what I expected:

First, my mother called and introduced herself as Wís ex Mil. Although she fought herself before finishing saying it, the damage was done. I questioned my mom why she would have said such and she said it just slipped out.


She didn't go because she didn't want to go. Of course she's going to try to make it sound like yours or your family's fault. But it's not, it's a personal choice she made. Don't beat your mom or brother up over it. Not their fault.

Quote
I was leaving for work and she stopped me saying she had to talk to me...to say ď I canít live here under these conditions any longer....then handed me paperwork to sign ď so she can buy a beach house and move on.


What is the paperwork? S or D or financial or what? Whatever it is, DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING until you've consulted with a lawyer! You're reeling right now from getting punched in the face, you've got to put your arms up and block yourself and regain your composure before you can fight back.

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There is a lot in this doc regarding pending an absolute D and stating we have been separated since Sept 2016.


I agree with you that she's trying to protect her secret savings, and that just ain't going to fly in court. She can't sock away marital assets like that and then pull a date out of her butt to make it all hers.

Quote
She disclosed she has put away $250k over a period of time and now know she is trying to protect this money to buy the house...in addition to expecting 50% of what we own.


This is all fantasy-land. Consult with a lawyer and find out what reality is. I suspect half of that money will be yours.

Quote
Furthermore, she says I have 5 days to sign or her L will drag me into court.....


I would inform her that you are hiring an attorney to help you sort this out and 5 days isn't realistic. Also tell her you are not signing anything without legal advise. She's trying to scare you into signing, and when you don't fall for it then expect the monster to come out. She is going to try to bully you into signing, and then if that doesn't work I bet she'll turn on the charm. "Oh but if you sign this then I can finally move on and that will probably lead to recon later." Expect anything and everything.

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I realize I am getting played and now am wondering how this may work out.


She is TRYING to play you. Luckily you didn't fall into the trap.

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Have an appt next week w L and have been strategizing on how to proceed.


Perfect. Until then completely shut down on her. No chit chat, no R talks, no paperwork talks, NOTHING. Go dark.

Quote
What a f#$&@ mess. All while I was hoping we were making baby steps in the right direction.


Now you know she's been planning this and playing you for a fool for a long, long time.

Quote
Some feel she will lose if and when this date is challenged. She was in the marital bed until aug 3 2019. Up til then we have been a married couple but w/o sex for 3 yrs.


Yeah there is no way that will stand. Most courts don't legally recognize "in-house" separations, I think the court will say you're still not separated even now!

Quote
One idea is being she has not filed for D, I could file and use thee correct date and she will have to fight it vs me.


That actually sounds like a good strategy, but discuss it with your L. I would also tell your L that she's been stockpiling money and find out if there's a way to lock it up before she tries to hide it in an off-shore account or something.

Quote
Second. Maybe try to negotiate all the assets now while she wants something vs waiting and making her mad beyond negotiating....


Again, discussion for the L.

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I am probably not handling this right but I donít want to even be with her in the same room or converse w her.


Until you talk to the L and start getting things organized on your side I think that's for the best.

Quote
Afraid my D23 is prob going to move out w her or to her bf house.


At 23 her days at home are numbered anyway, or should be. She's an adult, she can make her own decisions.

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My questions are what should I do on being with them or should I stay clear of W.


Go dark, lawyer up, get prepared.

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I know now she is ready for a battle to keep all she can and more... and this ď I canít live like this anymoreĒ came as a surprise without any indication.


Live like what? She's going to say in one breath that you've been separated for 3 years and then in the next say she can't stand this anymore? LOL!

Quote
I now see she has been planning to leave and waiting for the right time.


Exactly.

Quote
And to think we have D27s wedding here at the farm in June....this just s#cks! I feel so bad for D27 and that her wedding is in the midst of our D.


That just shows how selfish your W is being.

Quote
So ironic, I rent to a couple who divorced and now back living together after a couple yrs, I then had a call from a client who was divorced when I met her and she then dated another client of mine. Not long ago I heard she got married again. I asked why she still had her first married last name and she said ď I did get married again, back to my first husbandĒ!

So...never say never....keep DBing..


I know several similar stories from friends and coworkers. Some remarried after seemingly impossible-to-come-back-from situations. That's why I always tell people you never know what the future holds.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: The last straw [Re: AnotherStander] #2874944
12/06/19 02:05 PM
12/06/19 02:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 88
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Newbie20 Offline
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Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 88
No kidding! 250K in undisclosed cash AND 50%? This woman is insane. To the OP: hire a lawyer YESTERDAY. i used to do this kind of work.

Re: The last straw [Re: Zip] #2875001
12/06/19 06:43 PM
12/06/19 06:43 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 50
Z
Zip Offline OP
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Zip  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 50

R2C, AS, and others.....thanks for the support. I, like others, feel like we are out here alone and you all come to the rescue and secure some sanity back into our lives. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

So I have an appt with the L on Tues. Trying to get all the info I can to see what will be best. The L has had 2 consults with me so she is somewhat up to speed.... and I did leave a copy of the "Partial Property Settlement Agreement".

This doc states it is in regards to Real Property prior to the enrty of a final decree of divorce.

Says "which they have lived separate and apart from each other, but in the same household, since September 2016, and ....

whereas H and W desire to settle and determine their rights, obligations with regards to Real Property prior to the enrty of a final decree of divorce"

and whereas W has the benefit of competent and independent counsel and H has chosen to represent himself. (WTF.... really???.... oh yea I am going to buy into this crap?)

So W said to me, "if you have questions, my L said you can call her and she will answer any questions you may have.".

When does a L for the W have the ethics of talking to me??? I am really confused with this one and the W thought I may just do that???

UGHH....and just another day of pinball emotions, mad, crying, sad, remorseful, and back to pissed off...not necessarily in that order!

Thank GOD for those who actually care and check in on me...

Taking another chill pill...

Zip


Me 58 W 58
T 36 yrs. M 32 yrs
D 27 D 23
BD 8/3/19
Waiting for filing from W
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