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DB,

What if she says she's not talking to him? How would you know?

How about, saying yes if you want to go and no if you don't.

If you go, show your W APOAFWL. Put on your best dress and smell good.

If you say no, say, "No, I'm not in a place to go to dinner with you at this time". That's

Infidelity is the giving away of secrets being betrayed. It's not only about sex. If you feel betrayed, then your W committed infidelity. Are you comfortable with her friendship with this OM? If not, then it must stop for you and her to fix y'all M.

Your explanation about their R, sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that what's she's doing is not that bad. If you have to explain away a person's actions then something is wrong.

Joejoe


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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There's no shame in admitting if you're not ready to make a stand. Maybe you'd rather have 100% of your wife, but you'd accept 25% for now to have dinner company and occasional physical companionship. Own this. The EA was a betrayal, but accepting an open marriage or not is your choice.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/20/19 10:37 PM.
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D,

I am going to disagree with JJ1. If you go that shows her you are ok sharing her with another man. After being on here almost 5 years now the best stance with a WW is tough love.

IMO at minimum they are sexting each other.

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Thanks everyone for your input. Unfortunately, I’m not strong enough right now to follow your advice. I ended up accepting no less than 2 dinner invites from her this weekend, and also sent her a text message earlier today that was “pursuing” in nature (but she didn’t respond, which kind of broke me). I guess I’m just not built for this. I’ve been an emotional wreck since BD 7 weeks ago, and my emotions seem to be in control of my actions right now. I know what I should be doing, but I just cannot bring myself to execute. My emotions take over and then I just cave in to her. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve never acted this way before, and it’s just the craziest thing. You guys probably think I’m pathetic, but I really don’t know how to fix this. I’m just lost.

Also, I’m pretty sure she’s going through a MLC. Does that change anything?

Last edited by DBX80; 09/23/19 06:24 PM.
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DB,

Don’t beat yourself up, most newbies have a hard time DBing early on. That’s why the recon rate is so low. Tony Robbins keyed the phrase “Rejection breeds Obsession” and that’s what you are experiencing right now.

As for vets we can only give you the best advice based on 100s if not 1000s of situations we have seen. It’s up to you guys to take it or not. Most don’t and suffer immensely for it.

It’s not surprising she didn’t respond to your text. She doesn’t want to give you false hope. The best thing to do is to pick yourself and dust yourself off and start to DB.

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As for MLC, nah it doesn’t change anything.

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As LH said, DBing early on is difficult, so don't beat yourself up too much.

The important thing is to keep trying it over and over again. I have seen many situations in this forum where the LBS has been nowhere close to even minor DB but over time they changed and started healing. You will fail but pick yourself up and try again. If you do that, you will look back at yourself in a few months and see how far you have come.

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Originally Posted by LH19
The best thing to do is to pick yourself and dust yourself off and start to DB.

Thanks LH.

Tomorrow we have a couple's counseling session. I used to think that these sessions were good for us because she would tend to open up about what she felt were problems in our marriage, or she would identify behaviors of mine that she felt were not attractive. I could then focus on changing those problem behaviors. However, I'm not so sure anymore about the counseling. Do you think it's worth it to continue the counseling at this point?

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I wouldn’t as long as she is still emotionally invested in the OM it’s a waste of time and money. Couples counseling only works when two people are invested in saving/improving the relationship.

Also remember you don’t have to address all the problems she has with you. Only if they are valid behaviors you want to change. If she has a problem with you eating healthy and you like eating healthy, don’t change that behavior to placate her.

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Originally Posted by LH19
I wouldn’t as long as she is still emotionally invested in the OM it’s a waste of time and money. Couples counseling only works when two people are invested in saving/improving the relationship.

Also remember you don’t have to address all the problems she has with you. Only if they are valid behaviors you want to change. If she has a problem with you eating healthy and you like eating healthy, don’t change that behavior to placate her.

Thanks again LH. And yes, I'm only addressing behaviors that I would want to change for myself.

So if you were in my shoes right now, you would seriously just stop the counseling and stop the dinners and the texts and the emails and the hanging-out, until she ends it with the OM? It seems like a very extreme thing to do, and I guess that's where I get hung up. I'm afraid I'll never see her again if I do that.

Two weeks ago, I didn't contact her for an entire week, and I made sure to give her the space that she was requesting. I didn't text, or email, or call, or anything, but I did accept dinner invites (always initiated by her). At the end of the week, she initiated sex, and I of course complied. I don't know if that tells you anything.

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