Should we keep sleeping together and having sex? I'm scared he'll be only using me for company and not care about me much. Maybe this fear is part of what changed things between us so much.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how to act when he comes back home? I've shut down emotionally and I'm guessing he has too, but I also know this doesn't help to save a relationship.
My partner decided he was done with our relationship a few months ago. I was abroad for different reasons and didn't know if I'd be able to come home. After a few more weeks I was able to come home and little by little it seemed like we were fine as a couple, but after a couple of weeks he said he was still determined to end things and one of us should move out by the end of the month, most likely me since I'm the one with the lower income.
After a couple of days, he was back to normal, often trying to make me laugh, hold me, kiss me, and so on. Then he did it again and said the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". I kept going with my life the way I had been, doing my own thing, focusing on myself, not letting him see me sad or anything like that. He had to travel for a couple of weeks in this period and I thought it would be good since it would help me focus on myself, and I had a good time with friends and just enjoying alone time. He was sending pictures, calling every three days or so, he even brought me gifts, said he missed me and came back very loving and sweet.
I haven't talked about the relationship since he went ILYBINILWY, it's been about a month. Basically our days go like this, we wake up, go to work, he drives me to work since I don't have a car at the moment, even though I've never asked him to drive me and he wasn't doing it before going on his trip, he kisses me goodbye, we eat dinner together, he sits by me when I'm watching something on TV and tries to stay close, he comes to bed with me without me saying anything, he has never gone to the guest room, he cuddles me every night. A few nights ago he even put his head on my lap when we were watching TV, he put his head on my chest in bed a couple of times, he hadn't done that in months. It seems like the less I try to go to him, the more he comes.
He also seems to be defensive, like looking for small things to react and see if I'm picking a fight. For example today he came home after work and I was in the room, I went out and said hi but I didn't go say hi with a hug or a kiss so he went "You don't come and say hi to me anymore?" or two days ago he told me about something he wanted to work on in his car and I was listening but don't know anything about cars so I was just saying "okay" and he went "it sounds like you're just agreeing but you don't care"so I hugged him a bit and said "it sounds like you're a bit sensitive today, but that's okay, we all have those days" and he kissed my forehead and said "Yeah, maybe you're right, I just need to relax a little". Little incidents like that that make me somewhat anxious but that I seem to be handling better.
Anyway, today he almost called me wifey again but he stopped himself and started laughing afterward, I also laughed a little cause it felt silly, but it also hurt me that he just doesn't want to give me a label anymore. It's like in every aspect we are together, but I don't feel like asking or anything since I might trigger the same response from him about ending things for sure.
Does anyone have any encouragement for moments like this? When you feel like everything is going right but then there's small setbacks that feel too big to handle.
Welcome Uptown. So sorry you are here but really glad you found this forum as early as you have. You sound like you are doing pretty well and your sitch sounds salvageable if you play your cards right. Whatever you do... do not initiate any R talks and do not beg, plead or seem needy in any way. The better you are able to GAL and do your 180s, the better your chances are to save your M. Don’t do anything voluntarily. If he wants someone to move out, let him do the heavy lifting on that one. Give him as much time and space as you can and use that time to rediscover the person you were when you met...the one he fell in love with. Remember...you always want what you can’t have. He is expecting you to fall apart. Do not do it. Just keep doing what you are doing. Like you said... “the less I try to go to him, the more he comes”. Human nature. Read everything that is available to you on here. This is not something that gets resolved overnight. Plan to be in it for the long haul and stay the course. Best of luck to you. (((HUGS)))
Sorry to see you're here, but it's a great forum with plenty of people who will support and listen to you.
You'll shortly get a post from Cadet with a welcome and some really useful info. I'd go ahead right now and start reading Sandi's 37 rules and other posts in the sticky section at the top of Newcomers page.
It sounds like you're pretty much doing the right actions, but again read through Sandi's rules for proper guidance.
It will also assist if you give a bit of background to your situation, and add some details in the footer section of your profile such as ages, relationship dates, kids etc.
The defensiveness and seeking to pick fights could be him trying to manufacture a situation whereby you react in a way that in his mind justifies his decision about you
Keep your chin up and stay strong Uptown!
Cheers D
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your subject line within the thread at any time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is it normal to be scared that he might be leading me on or using me somehow but that he actually doesn't care about me or us together? I'm scared he might be just taking advantage of the convenience of having me home but I don't know how rational this fear is.
Just take a step back and focus on yourself. Be the best version of yourself you can be. Thats all you can do. Remove all expectations of what you think should happen and just let him be. Let him go to get him back.
If its meant to be and if he truly loves you, he will let you know. You cannot control him or the outcome of this situation. You can control one thing, you. So work on yourself. Read all of the links. It seems as you arent married. However, the dynamics are just about the same.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thanks SoTorn, I keep doing that but sometimes doubt creeps in.
Do you have any advice on physical affection? He is very affectionate lately, but he also responds when I go for a hug, no kissing though, only to say hello and goodbye. Is that all good? I don't want to be too cold, but i also don't want to seem like I'm chasing.
Bf really got on my nerves today and I don't know how that will affect everything.
He woke up early for work and insisted again and again that I should wake up too so that he could drive me. I thought he was just being considerate so I finally accepted and got up, even though it's one hour earlier before I was supposed to be at work. Because of this I was kind of moody and not in the mood to talk or deal with jabs. We're walking out of the apartment and he says " You walk fast when you're not on instagram" which sounds stupid, but I really am just fed up with him complaining about how much time I am on my phone, especially since it's not much and I never judge what he does in his free time. So I reacted angrily and we didn't talk the whole way to work. He barely kissed me goodbye and drove away. Now I think we'll both be annoyed about this and it might be the negative reaction he was expecting from me.
Is there anything I can do to avoid making this worse?
