Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 10 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
H
HopeCA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
Thank you Scout. I think you’re right.
I think I get in my own way because I just can’t wrap my head around the way he’s being. But that’s because I would never behave the way he is without thinking it through and having a good reason. The same obviously can’t be said for him.

You’re right, too, about his ACTIONS being clear. I’ve been aware of that but I’ve allowed myself to ignore and justify and explain it all away to myself.

Sadly I think, despite my being a prize (which I AM) that he just may not feel the sting of losing me because he doesn’t care. Perhaps the sooner I can absorb that the better.

Thank you for chiming in! I really appreciate it.

Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
H
HopeCA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
I’d decided not post for awhile until/unless something material happened in my sitch. I’m coming here to process a conversation I just had with H.
He was here to drop off D4 and put her to bed. He seemed kind of grumpy and a bit distant, and made it clear he was very tired. For context, he was out of town last weekend visiting family and found out his estranged father passed away. Since then he’s been emotional and (I think) dealing with a lot of stuff coming up. On my end, I’ve been working with my IC on truly allowing myself to grieve this loss and start to detach myself.

Tonight he initiated what turned out to be an R talk. He started by stating that he is frustrated with the amount of money he’s been giving me, and that I haven’t found a job yet given that D4 is in school now. He started going off about how I should be focused on getting any job I can and not spend so much time searching for me “dream job”. I did my best to listen and validate, and stayed calm. He devolved into talking about resentments he has toward me from our past around work and finances, and referencing them as examples of why he is feeling burned by me with the voluntary support he’s been giving me. He stopped for a moment and said “maybe there’s no point in talking about this” and I gently said “I think there is.”

He didn’t hesitate and started talking about how I made him feel completely unappreciated in the past, both in regards to finances and just in general as a person. He gave multiple examples of times I made him feel that way. His feelings were not news to me, but some of his specific examples definitely were. I just listened and validated until he was done. I then got the opportunity to tell him the way I have felt about this topic for some time now. I actually had major realizations around this when I read a Gottman book early on in our sitch, but i knew he wasn’t open to hearing about it up until this conversation.
I asked if he’d like to hear my response and he said he would.

I told him that I had realized all the ways that I made him feel unloved and unappreciated over and over during our marriage. I told him that I had realized all at once when reading the book that that was why he felt he needed to leave, and it was a crushing realization. I told him that I had come to realize that I ha covered all my more vulnerable feelings and fears about our relationship with anger and criticism, because I didn’t know how to communicate my authentic feelings with him. I told him that, at that time, I didn’t have the understanding of myself or of relationships, or the tools I needed to communicate my true feelings. He stopped me and said, “you already realized all of this? Before today?” And I told him yes, and that I just hadn’t felt right bringing it up.

He asked me “why couldn’t you just tell me how you really felt?” And I told him that aside from my own shortcomings, that I had felt shut down and stonewalled many times when coming to him with my pain or my fears. He acknowledged that he had likely started shutting me down early in our relationship due in part to his own baggage. I told him that that when I had these realizations about my contributions to his wanting out, I felt crushed and helpless because these were huge failures on my part, as a spouse. I realized that I was so fearful about things festering that I hounded him into having conversations about every single thing that came up between us, rather then letting little things go. I told him I held back my loving words and affection because I wasn’t feeling my needs were met, and that I realized How selfish that is. I told him that I had failed him and made him think that I hadn’t loved or valued him, and that neither of those things were ever true. He sat quietly listening to all of this

. I cried while I talked (it couldn’t be helped, but I kept it under control). I realized I was talking a lot so I stopped and just sat in the quiet for a few moments. He softened and he told me how much he appreciated the things I was saying. He thanked me for being so calm and said that it’s nice how often we can talk later without me getting angry or things getting escalated. I agreed. I told him I’d always appreciated his calm nature. He sat quietly for a bit, and then apologized for going on the attack in the beginning of the conversation, and said he doesn’t think all those bad things about me, that they just come from past hurts feelings. I told him I understood. He stood to leave and gave me a long hug for the first time in AGES and he left.

I’m stunned. I’m also feeling like the universe gave me some kind of a break, as I had been looking through journals today and had come across the entry where I wrote these very realizations while reading the Gottman book. Literally this morning I made a mental note that I wanted to express them to H regardless of where we are. And then this happened. I do not know what, if anything, this means about his head space. But I do know this was a breakthrough in one way or another.
I would love read any feedback or thoughts anyone may have!

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I’m stunned. I’m also feeling like the universe gave me some kind of a break, as I had been looking through journals today and had come across the entry where I wrote these very realizations while reading the Gottman book.

Hi Hope, read your journal. Glad your day was good! That book's in my to-read pile. Take care.

Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
Hi Hope,

Great job validating and owning your shortcomings. I think you are sensing a softer side of H that you haven't seen in a while, all because you stayed calm, listened, validated, and then owned your faults.

Give your H some time and space to process the conversation. He might even test your sincerity and try and bait you into a fight to see if this is real. Stay the course and keep your expectations down.

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Even if it doesn’t lead to a change in your H’s plans, it sounds like it was an important conversation to have regardless. As Thornton advised....stay the course and keep your expectations low. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
Hi Hope, have you had your court date yet?


chumplady.com
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
H
HopeCA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
Hi Scout,

Thank you so much for checking in on me! The court date is on 10/12. It’s a progress check in, for the court to stay up to date on our case. I’m absolutely dreading it with every fiber of my being. I’m super anxious about and feeling depressed. I had really hoped for things to have changed enough to not have to go.

I’ve found some part time work, and while it isn’t nearly enough to live off of, it does cut down on my financial burden and related anxiety, and it feels good to be out being productive and taking a bit of control of my life.

Things with H continue to on the same path: nothing but increasingly positive interactions, but no material changes. He asked to go trick or treating with me and D4 (Which was interesting considering that Halloween fell on his night with her) he texted me all that day for help trying to figure out a costume for himself, and I made dinner for the 3 of us. Some friends and their kids ended up stopping by before trick or treating. They are a couple that I am friends with through H, and we used to spend a lot of time together. We had a really good time, and it was like old times. Had a really fun night trick or treating and laughing together. At the end of the night once D4 was in bed I took a chance and asked H if he’d like to watch a movie with me. He responded “me?” as if he was very surprised Id be inviting him. He said he was really tired (he’d been falling asleep on my couch) but that he’d had a really fun night and he left.

I was a bit crushed but not surprised. I expected that I had spooked him and expected him to be cold and divorce focused after that, but it’s been quite the opposite. He’s been warmer and closer since Halloween, spent a bit more time around my place and helping out casually around the house. I obviously have no idea what the motivation is behind this. I HOPE that he was heartened/intrigued by my invite. I FEAR that he is just assuaging his guilt by being extra nice. I don’t know. What I do know is that this day in court is coming up quick, and I wish it weren’t.

I don’t know how I can handle the day in court gracefully. I doubt I’ll be able to keep from crying a lot, but that’s ok with me I think. It just sounds so painful and so awkward. It feels so disjointed to be going to something like that with him while we’ve been enjoying each other’s company so much lately. It’s bizarre. It feels like maybe I should handle it as a turning point in my interactions with H, but I’m not sure? As always, there’s a part of me that says “keep doing what you’re doing, it’s bringing him closer” and there’s another part that says “protect your heart, pull away, let him feel the real loss of you”.

That’s my update, any and all thoughts are welcome as always!

Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
H
HopeCA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 300
H just continues to be warmer and get closer to me as our first court date approaches. Of course, it gets my hope rising to the top, that maybe he is having second thoughts. But I am giving myself frequent reality checks, telling myself that most likely he is feeling guilty.
It adds an extra layer of pain, to think he could just be basically using me to assuage his own guilt without considering how it might be making me feel. I’m having a really hard morning.
For my own protection, I think I need to pull way back. I need to try extra hard to find the balance in which I am fillmore distant without being cold or mean. That’s a big challenge for me, but I think it’s time.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
Hope -

My W and I are nearing negotiation time and I observe the same softening. I have no clue what to make of it either, and also wonder if it is related to some sort of guilt. It has not chastened my resolve to DB. I think it’s just one of those things... if true change happens you will know.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
I think it's that they see the light at the end of the tunnel. They can drop the cold and bitter routine because it doesn't gain them anything anymore, they're getting what they want. And yes, I think they are happy to finally be "free" as well. The important thing is not to read anything into it, just keep motoring on!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Page 7 of 10 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard