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Originally Posted by HopeCA


He also continues to be friendly and even flirtatious with me at times, and then retreat to being a bit colder and more withdrawn. He’s made a couple of odd comments about other men finding me attractive lately which catches me off guard. Last night as he left after putting D4 to bed he stopped in the doorway and asked if “everything is going ok”. I’d been nothing but upbeat all evening, and just smiled and said “yup! You?”
It’s all curious to me, and I consciously try not to dissect it too much.



Looks like he is fishing to see if you are still available as a plan B. You are right in not dissecting it since it will only drive you crazy.

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Yeah it definitely felt that way to me too.
Tonight I went to an event at D4s school and when I got home H had just put D4 to bed. He sat down and started asking me about the event, and asking me lots of questions about the teachers, and about how I’m doing and how my days have been going. We talked more than we have in a long time, just sitting and chatting. We laughed a lot. We talked about work and exercise, all kinds of random things. We haven’t talked like that in ages. Then he asks me if I read the article he sent me. (He texted me an article about coparenting a few days ago). I hadn’t; it was an academic paper was incredibly dense. Quite honestly, I highly doubt he has read it. And honestly, the moment I got it my spider sense kicked in and I wondered who had given it to him.
I told him I’d skimmed it but that it was very long and very dense. He has never been much of a reader so I joked that I was surprised to get such dense reading from him. I asked where it had come from. He said “ a therapist mom I know gave it to me”. I was pleasantly surprised that he might be in IC so I said “ oh you’re seeing a therapist?” And he got weird and said no, that it’s a woman he’s seeing who is a therapist.
I felt toyed with and goaded and very triggered.
I kept pretty calm and I said that while I can appreciate sharing of coparenting related material, this just felt weird and biased. I said I wouldn’t do that to you, so please don’t send me articles about provided to you by your girlfriend. He acted like he had no idea why that would be an issue, making wincing faces and said it won’t happen again.
I am proud of the way I handled myself but WHAT THE F****
This combined with the temp taking and the fact that he has been more friendly and flirty then ever lately has me spinning. Was this more temp testing, to see if I’d get jealous? To see if I’d lash out and prove him right about my shortcomings? Is he just completely screwing with me by pulling me in and then dropping that he’s seeing someone?


I would love to hear wisdom, insight, and thoughts from the vets, please!

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Originally Posted by "HopeCA"
I kept pretty calm and I said that while I can appreciate sharing of coparenting related material, this just felt weird and biased. I said I wouldn’t do that to you, so please don’t send me articles about provided to you by your girlfriend. He acted like he had no idea why that would be an issue, making wincing faces and said it won’t happen again.

Wow, that's serious calm under pressure. Props, HopeCA.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/27/19 05:14 AM.
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Thanks CW!
I did feel monumentally strong in the face of that. It felt like a big test of whether I’d flip out, and if it was, I passed.
I’m not as emotionally thrown as I’d have expected to be, at least not. at the moment. I know i shouldn’t be, but given the the way he’s been toward me lately, I can’t help but try to figure out what’s going on here.

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While I’m obviously not happy that he’s dating someone, I can’t help but be relieved that it appears that he is no longer dating the woman from a few months ago, at least not exclusively (confirmed it wasn’t the same person).
I know that’s a pretty sad thing to be happy about, but I am, relatively speaking.

Am I delusional for feeling like all of that was a lot more temp checking? After his weirdness asking if things were ok on Tuesday (the day he texted me the article and I just said “ok” and continued to be upbeat and cordial) I cant help but feel like he was taken aback by me seeming so “fine” with things that he after Initiating a very nice chat last night he wanted to pick it a bit further and see if I’d crack, or if I’d still seem fine.

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I haven’t posted in a while—I’ve been focused on job hunting and D4. And trying, as much as I can, not to obsess over my situation with H.

Things have felt like they were taking a turn for the better with H. I have found (I think) the right balance between warmth and distance. He has been increasingly interested in me and what I’m up to, he’s been getting warmer and closer with me. He’s been texting and calling me more, all related to D4, but a noticeable increase. He’s sending me pics of her and talking about how she’s making a face I make, etc. He’s also been referencing old inside jokes and making references to silly things we used to say and do with one another.
It is very difficult to not look for meaning in those moments. It feels impossible that it doesn’t mean something about the way he is feeling about me/us. ?

But, he also continues down the divorce path. Today he reminded me via text that we have a progress meeting next month, and asked if I wanted to have a conversation about finances and custody next week so that we go into it on the same page. I said that’s fine.

I’m obviously not surprised, but I’m definitely very disappointed and a bit crushed. I, of course, failed not to have expectations or read into the positive changes that have happened between us, and I really hoped he’d want to at least postpone this meeting. I do still have hope, because it is only a progress meeting and we have made zero progress on the actual divorce.
In our last R talk I did say something to him about the fact that he could continue on that path while still being open to thinking about other possible outcomes. I can’t help but feel that at least to some degree that he may be doing just that: continuing on the path toward divorce but opening up to the idea of me slightly. Is that nuts?

I am working with my IC on acceptance and detachment, and I’m making slow progress, but it is progress.
I would really like to do my best DBing for the duration of this process. I do believe at this point that the tough love/distant approach was not effective and that this warm/cordial approach is at least somewhat effective. I do feel like I need to change the status quo/power balance a bit.
I appreciate any and all feedback:thoughts:advice!

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I feel like I’m getting mixed messages from H, and I’m really curious if it sounds that way to others. Am I nuts for feeling that?

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I’m afraid I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear. I also believe in the truth and there have been many truths in my own sitch that I have not given enough attention to because I didn’t want to. Because they hurt. The thing is tho, the truth will always circle back around in one way or another.

I don’t think you are nuts for feeling as if you are getting mixed messages. You might be. You also might be looking for a truth that is not actually there. You want this so much that you are reading into all the signs. I don’t think that will benefit you in any real way. Even if there is some part of him that feels torn or guilty about his choices, that doesn’t mean he will change his mind and come back to you. Maybe he will but maybe he won’t. However looking for those answers now only keeps you focused on getting him back. I actually think it’s selfish of him to send mixed messages because he is playing with your emotions and in the mean time going off with OW.

From my perspective, until he ends his As, and then comes to you and tells you he wants to get back together, then there is no reason to figure out if he is contemplating that. It’s just keeping you attached to him which hurts your progress.

I think the information you do have, that he has moved from OW1 to OW2, is not a good sign he will return to the M. If he were stuck in limerance with the same OW and couldn’t see straight, I would think there would be a greater chance that he would eventually come out of that and maybe see things differently. Instead he just found someone else. I also see this has a character flaw. And the fact that he continues to show some interest in you and that he may even be stringing you along, makes him a huge jerk.

I think you gotta let him go. You say you are getting results by being nicer or more friendly, but I don’t think this is results. I think he is cake eating. Your H left you for OW and then moved onto OW2. He’s a jerk. Quite simply, you deserve much better. Let that part be your focus. If he comes around later and offers you some remorse and says he will do anything to make it work with you, then he deserves some consideration.

Sorry to be so blunt. I don’t want to see you prolong your own suffering.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Hi Blu, please do not be sorry for being blunt and honest. That is truly what I’m here for! I don’t trust my own perspective on this anymore, and that’s exactly why I posted.

What you say makes a ton of sense. I think that it can be both: I am getting mixed signals from my H (I am pretty Sur of that) but it is not for the reason I want it to be.
And the truth is that his giving me these signals for any other reason aside from considering reconciling is either him cake eating, or him being cruel to me for his own reasons. In other words, there is only one acceptable reason to be relating to me the way he has been, and since it is likely not for that reason, he’s being awful. I get stuck trying to figure out why on earth he would want to string me along, but I can’t. And I won’t be able to.
I was previously concerned about pulling back too much because I wasn’t able to do that without being cold. I think that it’s probably just fine if I come across as cold at this point. Better that than to play a role in my own stringing-along.

I think you’re perspective on his moving from OW to OW is a really good point. I was looking at it in the wrong way. Thank you for that 2x4.

I know I need to let go completely. I want to, at this point. And I’m having a really, really, really hard time getting there. That is just the inescapable truth. That needs to be my only focus, for my own sake. I think I should probably stop posting here. As much as it feels good, I think it might be contributing to keeping me in the wrong mindset.
I probably won’t stop reading others’ threads, and maybe I’ll come back to post again when I feel stronger.

Thank you again Blu. You’ve always been honest with me and not afraid to be blunt and I really appreciate it. It’s clearly what I need. Thank you for your support!

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Hope, I tend to agree with Blu. His behaviour is more likely to be a combination of any other reason such as:
- he’s relieved you’re being nice to him
- he likes you as a friend/mother
- he feels safe and secure because you’re familiar and available
- he can’t stand the thought that you might think he’s not a nice guy
- he’s keeping you on the hook

Just focus on his actions, not words or feelings. Right now, he’s DOING two things:
- progressing the divorce
- seeing another woman

I think, sadly, that says it all. It doesn’t mean that things can’t change down the track, of course. None of us would be here if that wasn’t true. But it doesn’t sound like he’s been made to face losing you yet. You’re still available to flirt with, feed his ego, laugh at his jokes and references etc. Start treating him as you would your next door neighbour or coworker. He deserves to feel the sting of losing you, because you are a prize!


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