Here’s my last post from old thread, just so it doesn’t get washed away:
YES. I caught myself instantly getting caught up in mind reading, because the text was so out of the ordinary. And then I did exactly y what you are saying. I went through all of the possibilities I might be hoping for it to mean, and then a bunch of the other possibilities that are equally as...possible. I questioned whether he was just kind of lazily cake eating by wanting my help with D4 rather than being on his own with her (he didn’t drop her off early—he brought her to my home earlier than usual and stayed until after she went to bed as he usually does) That possibility annoyed me, so I was proud of myself for still validating and for letting it cross my mind, because it’s completely possible that’s all it was. I guess I feel proud when I am conscious of not fooling myself into being overly optimistic about his weird, unexpected actions.
Also, that moment gave me an interesting realization about validation with WAS. Up until last night I thought the validation piece of all of this was sort of the outlier part that really was meant to benefit the relationship with WAS. But in that moment, in the swirl of hope and anxiety and annoyance and confusion, I think I was able to detach for just a moment and just respond to the simple message being communicated from someone I care about; “I am stressed”. For that moment I was able to filter my feelings (strip the other stuff away, as you have said Unchien) and yes that was kind and emotionally generous to H, but it was also very empowering for me. I finally got that the validation is powerful for ME. THAT is a step toward detachment, and that is actually caring about another person. Taking my triggers and swirling emotions out of it and just responding to the message. I swear I am actually a really intelligent person, but this stuff makes me feel S L O W.
D4 and I spent the weekend away with some other moms and kids, it was nice to get away, have some fun and try to clear my head a bit. Before we left, I had offered for H to have some extra time with D4 once we got back, as he was missing 2 of his days because of our trip. He was appreciative and asked if we weren’t back too late maybe he’d come when we got home on Sunday (today). I told him I wasn’t exactly sure what time we’d be back but that would be fine with me. I assumed he’d be in touch to get our eta. Yesterday afternoon he texted me that since he didn’t know what time we’d back he made other plans, and he’ll see us Monday. This was really upsetting to me. The main reason I was upset was that just a couple of days ago he was getting ready eyed talking about wanting to be more involved in D4s life. And here is an opportunity to see her after she’s been gone for 3 nights, and he figured he’d just make other plans. It’s baffling to me and it breaks my heart for D4. It makes no sense in regards to the way he talked about this topic so recently. I was really upset, but I just responded “ok, that’s fine. FYI I had already told her she was going to see you, but I’ll let her know it will be Monday instead”. He responded: “oh f***, ok. Thanks for letting know”. I can’t make sense of it but it really bothers me, mainly on behalf of my daughter. UGH.
Before we left, I had offered for H to have some extra time with D4 once we got back, as he was missing 2 of his days because of our trip. He was appreciative and asked if we weren’t back too late maybe he’d come when we got home on Sunday (today). I told him I wasn’t exactly sure what time we’d be back but that would be fine with me. I assumed he’d be in touch to get our eta. Yesterday afternoon he texted me that since he didn’t know what time we’d back he made other plans, and he’ll see us Monday. This was really upsetting to me.
OK so... it's completely understandable you are upset after your H expressed maybe sorta wanting to see D4.
You two need to be ultra specific about dates and times and places. It might be annoying to have to pin down your H like that, but D4 will suffer when there is ambiguity. This will help you, even though it will feel strange at first.
This same thing happened between my W and I two weeks ago, partly my fault, partly hers, and I will never let it happen again. We didn't close communication on a specific hand-off time.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
The main reason I was upset was that just a couple of days ago he was getting ready eyed talking about wanting to be more involved in D4s life. And here is an opportunity to see her after she’s been gone for 3 nights, and he figured he’d just make other plans. It’s baffling to me and it breaks my heart for D4. It makes no sense in regards to the way he talked about this topic so recently.
One would think, right?
However... there must be a term for this kind of thinking. It's not really a covert contract, but along the same lines. "Because A happened, I expect B will happen." Your H is not going to think the same way you do. I am completely in alignment with how you feel here, but as you can see it's a waste of your precious emotional energy to assume your H would think or feel like you do.
Also if he says again "maybe I'll see D4" I would absolutely pin him down. Any maybe is a no. If it's a yes, he darned well better show up on time.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I was really upset, but I just responded “ok, that’s fine. FYI I had already told her she was going to see you, but I’ll let her know it will be Monday instead”. He responded: “oh f***, ok. Thanks for letting know”. I can’t make sense of it but it really bothers me, mainly on behalf of my daughter. UGH.
You handled this perfectly, you let him know D4 was expecting him, and didn't get sucked into a text battle. Well done.
Thank you Unchien! I was proud of myself for being able to handle it so well despite being super triggered. Didn’t hear from H all day, then a couple of hours ago he texted to let me know he thinks he has the flu, so he’ll let me know tomorrow if he is well enough to come see D4. He says he doesn’t want to get us sick. On the one hand, I CAN NOT risk getting sick. As an at home single parent that would be disastrous. Obviously don’t want D4 to get sick either. But I’d hate for her to not see him. And it’s irritating that he feels he can option to parent or not when he’s sick. Guess who takes care of D4 when I don’t feel well? Me.
I am not doing well with detachment (in case that wasn’t glaringly obvious). My anxiety has been at an all time high, I’ve been sad and crying a ton again, and really missing H. I wish I didn’t feel this way again, but I do. As far as interactions with H I think I’ve been handling them all well lately. But I wonder if my real feelings show though and if I reek of desperation...
Just journaling. It’s been a rough, anxiety filled couple of days. I’ve been sleeping very poorly, waking up in the middle Of the night reached with anxiety. I’m struggling but I’m trying really hard to focus on being present with my daughter and taking care of myself. I think I’m cycling between keeping hope alive and another big wave of grief and acceptance. H has been really sick since D4 and I got home for our trip, yesterday he texted that he was still in really bad shape and didn’t want to risk getting us sick. I validated and told him to let us know if he needed anything. He said thank you. Prior to our trip he’s been seeming run down, taking about how tired he is, looking in the mirror and commenting that he looks old and that his body is breaking down, and then the day he wanted to come to my place early to be with D4 here because he was tired and stressed. My friend commented that she thinks maybe he is getting tired of all of this, that maybe his new situation and life of freedom is losing its luster. Obviously I have no idea if there is any truth to it. But I did bolster my hope with it. Just being honest. I’m remaining cordially detached in his presence.
D4’s school requested a family picture for them to have in the classroom. We don’t have a picture of all 3 of us since D4’s 3rd birthday, so I’m gonna ask him about taking one for the school and for D4 to have. Also bolstering myself for the school picnic we will all be attending on Friday, and thinking through how I want to approach that. I want to come from a place of strength and confidence.
Prior to our trip he’s been seeming run down, taking about how tired he is, looking in the mirror and commenting that he looks old and that his body is breaking down, and then the day he wanted to come to my place early to be with D4 here because he was tired and stressed. My friend commented that she thinks maybe he is getting tired of all of this, that maybe his new situation and life of freedom is losing its luster. Obviously I have no idea if there is any truth to it. But I did bolster my hope with it. Just being honest. I’m remaining cordially detached in his presence.
Being honest with yourself is really important. I see a lot of people here (self included) sometimes sounding like they are deluding themselves that they are fully detached. It shows good emotional balance to be in touch with everything going on.
Your H may be worn down, but as best as you can I would assume nothing of it and just validate
Nothing much to report. I’m on my 5th straight day of what feels like 24 hour anxiety. I’m finally getting back in to see my IC next week so that will hopefully help. I have a friend who works in mental health and she is helping me try to restructure my sleep so I’m experimenting with that. It’s been terrible lately.
H texted this morning that he was still sick. I’m curious to see what y’all think of the way I handled this:
H: Hey hope you guys are having fun. I still feel like [censored] but better than yesterday. I should wait to see her until tomorrow I think. What are your thoughts?
Me: Yikes! You must be really sick. It’s totally your call. Of course she misses you. You know how you feel though, so I’m sure you’re making the right call
H: I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If you guys got sick I’d feel horrible. Can I come tomorrow? I’d probably be past the contagious phase. I feel like I fell down a flight of stairs and I could barely swallow anything yesterday even water. It’s awful
Me: Omg! That sounds seriously horrible. Are you ok? Do you need anything?
H:Yeah horrible. I’ll be ok, I just feel like I lost 3 days of my life though. I could stay awake. Don’t need anything thank you though. Actually have food and ibuprofen just drinking lots of water. Maybe I’ll call this afternoon to talk to D4. Would that be ok?
You can't nice him back! You're being way too chummy with him. Try to keep it business-like. I know that doesn't "feel" right but the idea is to make him miss you. Make him think he's really losing you.
Quote
H: Hey hope you guys are having fun. I still feel like [censored] but better than yesterday. I should wait to see her until tomorrow I think. What are your thoughts?
Me: Yikes! You must be really sick. It’s totally your call. Of course she misses you. You know how you feel though, so I’m sure you’re making the right call Yes that would be fine.
H: I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If you guys got sick I’d feel horrible. Can I come tomorrow? I’d probably be past the contagious phase. I feel like I fell down a flight of stairs and I could barely swallow anything yesterday even water. It’s awful
Me: Omg! That sounds seriously horrible. Are you ok? Do you need anything? When you figure out when you want to come over let me know and I will confirm if it works with my schedule.
Thanks AS. I kind of figured that and that’s why I asked. I think I get mixed up—-I know I need to be distant and detached (for multiple Reasons) But his complaints about me were that I was cold, distant and controlling. So I’m trying to 180 that stuff at the same time. Clearly I need to find a better balance between those things...
Thanks AS. I kind of figured that and that’s why I asked. I think I get mixed up—-I know I need to be distant and detached (for multiple Reasons) But his complaints about me were that I was cold, distant and controlling. So I’m trying to 180 that stuff at the same time. Clearly I need to find a better balance between those things...
I'm not saying be cold to him, but don't be overly warm either. Strike a balance. Business-like is a good balance. You're not being nice or mean, you're just getting down to business and getting things done. Controlling, well hopefully you're not trying to control him anymore. You definitely want to do a 180 on that. Distant- he may have complained that you were distant in the M but he does not want you pursuing him now, it's too late for that in his eyes. So that is not something you want to do a 180 on.
It's not easy finding the right balance! So these are good questions you're asking. DB'ing is something of an art form.
