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Grace

This kind of stuff seems normal for the MLCer

They get angry during D process and blame us for taking care of our needs
They are only concerned with themselves- so I would continue as you are
Very cordial and considerate.....but seeing an end and sticking to your legal rights--
They get upset when the reality hits---and how much they have to give up financially

MY XH gave everything up...in the end-

they get tired of negotiating and mine got worse during the D process
more drugs/high blood pressure and drinking escalated- weight gain or loss
and the pressure from the OW if there is one..

Im happy for you that you have adjusted so well and have created a fun life

enjoying whats to come!


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Grace, we don't know each other well but our timelines are similar and so I've found myself following your sitch. In some ways we seam to have been following a similar emotional path throughout. I admire your level-headedness throughout these recent "conversations", and how you are sticking to your belief of being cordial, fair, and distant.


I'm afraid you will encounter additional rage, but I know you'll handle it beautifully.

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Hello Grace

Happy Birthday! In three days. smile

I am sorry things with H have come to this. And I am not, because you are doing so very well. I think one has to live this to appreciate the duality of it. The bad and the good.

Your D sees her Dad’s true colours; evident from her comments of proceeding with divorce. She’ll follow your lead and do fine. Keep that levelheaded outlook, and cordial approach; it’s inspiring.

Walking a really good path Grace.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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I echo what everyone else says Grace. You can hold your head up high and be proud of how you have conducted yourself throughout this situation. Your H cannot say the same. Sounds like you have some great plans coming up. Good for you for living your life the best way you know how and I hope you have a fantastic birthday!!! (((HUGS)))

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Funny how things can change at a moments notice. H said he saw 2 attorneys that advised him that people don't go to court over just alimony (no kidding). He gave me all kinds of advice and reasons why he wants to do this without attorneys, fairly, and amicably (I already know the reasons, and have said this, but he now feels compelled to instruct me). He tried to tug at my heart strings as he states this is not easy for him, and he wants to be left with some dignity. Yada yada yada. It's almost laughable if it wasn't so sad. I didn't bite. I guess the attorneys must have said my offer wasn't so outrageous after all, and maybe even told him that if we did fight over it, I would probably win.

So, back to square one. I have a scenario writtten out two different ways that gives me virtually the same amount of alimony. I am providing it to him hoping that seeing the numbers will show him I'm not crazy. I will provide a long explanation. I'm not holding my breath he will be agreeable, but I think my clear reasoning can't be argued with (by rational people, that is). We'll see.

I might send it to him right before his gig tonight. Shake him up a bit.

Uh oh. My mean streak is making an appearance.

The journey continues.

Grace


M: 56
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D: 20

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I would venture to say that he didn't like what the 2 lawyers had to say and is making up some excuse not to go to court. In fact, if you went to court, he might have to give you even more in the way of $$$. Funny how they always have some excuse for not using lawyers and wanting to go to court.

Poor baby. He should have thought about his dignity when he walked out the door. I'm glad you aren't drinking his kool aid.

Do what you need to do to take care of you because he's not thinking about you one iota...he is only think of himself and his wallet.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Well done Grace.

As job said, you’re not drinking his kool aid.

It’s a business deal gone sideways. Keep to your path, and follow those hard earned values and beliefs.

I did chuckle at your mean streak. smile

Your doing really good. Quite a pillar of strength.

DnJ


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Thought I'd pop in and give a brief update before I'm off to the next activity. Bible Study tonight. My friend arrives tomorrow night and Friday morning we leave on a weekend get-away cruise. My life is not only busy, but full!

H is still playing it nice for the most part. We agreed on an alimony that was close to the number I had in my mind at the start of the process. I would have liked a tad more, but felt I needed to pick my battles wisely. God is certainly watching out for me. We are tweaking some things, but all in all, everything is going well. After all is said and done, I will own the house (no mortgage) with all contents in tact. That was huge for me. I'm glad he didn't fight it after his initial hissy fit and threats. He has thrown a few snarky comments my way, but they aren't too bad and I call him out on it when they happen. I won't tolerate it. So unproductive to the process. Well, in spite of things going well, I still have my guard up at all times. One can't be too cautious during this process!

I still don't think H has retained an attorney. I asked him, and he just didn't respond. Oh well. I don't really care I guess. My attorney says it's very reasonable to assume I will be D before the Holidays. I'm hoping early November.

I think H's health is suffering. I have compassion for him about it, but I'm sure his girlfriend can take good care of him. (was that sarcasm?). My care-taking days have ended (at least where he is concerned). Those skills are now serving a good purpose, and that makes me happy.

So much of my time has been consumed with figuring out strategy, getting e-mails to H just right, and researching things related to the D. I've barely had time to breath, let alone follow-along everyone's sitch.

However, I think of all my friends here often, and value all the advise and support you have given me. When I have time to breath, I will be back more regularly. Hugs all around.

Life truly is good!

Grace


M: 56
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Journaling…

Home sick today. Good day to catch up.

The D process is going a bit slower than I would like. We have agreed on the basics, but H is dragging his feet on confirming it, and “may have a few other things”. We still have a few more things to negotiate, but I won’t wait to file the paperwork much longer. I want to be divorced before Thanksgiving. He did pony up the agreed alimony on Oct 1. That’s something anyway.

I don’t think H realizes that when the D is final, that’s it. No come and go, sharing items from the house, or storing his stuff here. I’m writing in the D settlement that he has 30 days to retrieve his personal belongings after the D, then it becomes my property. He has a lot of stuff. A lot. He will have to get storage. I’m sure he doesn’t want to pay for that, and that’s why he’s been dragging his feet. Today I asked him if he planned to keep the drill (it’s a really good cordless one) as I need it for some projects. His response: “I have no problem sharing things. If you need it I can drop it off but at some point I want it back”. I told him he can keep it as I can get another one.

Continue to share things? Really? Another way to try to keep me Plan B? No thank you.

I’ve been really getting rid of things. Clearing out the garage. I’m looking at all the stuff we have accumulated with new eyes. H collected so many chemicals, oil, nuts, bolts, etc. All going. Selling a bunch of stuff too. It feels good. I’ve put a lot of H’s stuff on a few big shelves so he can just take it. A closet is crammed with photos and his books. That feels good too. It will feel very good when he gets it out of soon-to-be MY house.

It blows my mind how H is so blind to his role in his poor relationship with his kids. He sent me this very long e-mail about it, after I responded to a comment he made. He actually said in an e-mail (as he refuses to speak with me on the phone or see me because it’s “too difficult”).

“You might remind D20 that I’m still forking over a lot of money for her expenses. She might be a bit more charitable in her dealings with me. She has refused to reply to me for about 6 weeks now. I know she’s not happy with the situation between us, but I feel like I’m being fully blamed here. If she’s trying to punish me, she’s doing a good job of it and I’m not happy about it when I still keep sharing her expenses. I’m still her father”.

That just blew my mind. We had a few very long e-mail exchanges on the topic of the kids. He was all blame, blame, blame. He says that I must have insinuated things for them to think it’s all his fault, etc.

I responded with a very long e-mail back. Haven’t heard back. He knows I’m right.

H doesn’t know this yet, but my attorney is drawing up the paperwork with the items I believe we have agreed on. When the last big item is settled (life ins), the paperwork will be filed.

I wonder if H will be surprised I actually did it.

I don’t really care.

I’m ready .

Grace

Last edited by Grace21; 10/08/19 02:00 PM.

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H is trying to play on my heartstrings. I’m trying not to let him.

I asked him to respond to an email I sent 9 days about about confirming what we have agreed to so far, and informing him that I have had the attorney start the paperwork. He didn’t understand what the rush was, that I am getting my alimony already as we agreed, and if I had someone to date, then go ahead and do that, but he will not be rushed about such a big decision. That it needs to be done thoughtfully and fairly not just ram something through to get it over with. Of course I’m not not doing that, but I don’t want him dragging it out.

He also shared that he dreamed about me “again” last night. Happens a lot he says. That he cares if I’m sick, whether the kids have problems. That he still cares about all of us. He also said he reached out to a couple’s friend of our’s whom he has never once seen since we split up. I still see them. He reached out to them to “talk to him about it”. That he needed at least one of his old friends to help him out with all he’s going through. What the heck? Why now? Buyer’s remorse, I guess. It’s interesting that he chose “friends” that really aren’t “friends”. He’s really hurting for friends if he chose them. Wow. He said he told me because didn’t want me blindsided.

Anyway, I need to stay strong, stay he course, and continue to move forward. He definitely knows how to get at me, and I can’t let him. After all, he still is living in a home he bought with another woman. He doesn’t know me at all if he thinks nothing matters but an alimony payment.


I don't like that I am obviously still attached, although it's now with a string and not a rope, and I feel deep down he will someday be redeemed and healed.

But, I'm not the one to do it.

I need a few 2x4s to stay the course!

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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