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Perfecting my inner peace #2862485
08/22/19 07:19 PM
08/22/19 07:19 PM
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Previous thread....

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2854099&page=11


Additional musings to follow at a later time.

Life is still good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2862718
08/25/19 12:05 PM
08/25/19 12:05 PM
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Heading home from a wonderful mini-vacation seeing family and a few friends. It was awesome.

One of the friends I re-connected with was a friend from high school. Havenít seen her in maybe 3 years at least. I messaged her about a week ago to see if she could get together. It was almost an afterthought as I didnít think Iíd have time. I think God prompted me to do it.

She has a long-term partner of almost 30 years. Turns out she has been separated for almost 5 years. Philandering involved and just not being a good partner for her. He also has very serious health issues. Anyway, long story shorth, I didnít know any of this, and when I asked about him, she burst into tears. She said she was so relieved as she had no one to talk to for 5 years about it! She has been helping him because of the health issues even though he is with someone else. Well, the flood gates opened, and she said she knows itís time to drop the rope (my words, but you know what I mean). I asked to meet her again today before I get on my plane. She needs me. I think God prompted our get together, as I think I will be able to help her.

I am strong.

I realized that this week. All these months has prepared me for this next phase. Thursday, on the day H signed for the new place, this popped up on my FB first think in the morning.

ďGod knew it would come to this. Itís OK. He has a plan.Ē

And it will be o.k.

I fear I have some ugliness coming my way. Yesterday H sent one message. ďS22 has been fairly abusive by text and your daughter has blocked me on her phone. Thanks for handling this so well.Ē

I didnít respond. After all. He didnít ask a question, did he?

D20 is in a bad way. Lots of anxiety. The mental health provider I was hoping she could get into has a waiting list. So, Iíve got others she will call this week. Iím thankful she is asking for help. Mom the therapist is helping in the meantime. So thankful she trusts me and we are close.

Tomorrow I meet with the attorney and tackle the finances. Soon, very soon, I will probably file for D.

I think Iím o.k. with it. Itís time to turn H completely over to God.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2862768
08/26/19 12:12 AM
08/26/19 12:12 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Sounding good Grace.

Itís really nice you reconnected with your friend and gave her a shoulder to lean on.

Hís text blaming you for how the kids are reacting to him, was handle beautiful. Let him be. Let him stew in what he crafted. S22 and D20 are adults and can express their feelings to Dad how they wish. Their relationship is just that - theirís; H is just trying to bring you into the middle of it. A no response was perfect. Of course you know you can guide your kids a little, if and when it is asked for, or needed. You know the power of compassion and kindness for oneís self. The kidís emotions will settle and they can walk the better and not bitter path, like their strong Mom.

Sorry D20 is having a difficult time. This is a lot to take in, a lot to process. Glad she is reaching out to you.

Iíll be thinking about you while you are at the meeting with lawyer. I hope it goes well.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2863129
08/28/19 03:46 AM
08/28/19 03:46 AM
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Gerda Online
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Just sending you some thread love, Grace. Sounds like you are thinking clearly about what you feel you need to do. And I get those ridiculous e-mails blaming me for H's mess too. They are so lost but I guess it's so much easier to blame us than to see what is actually happening. I just wish our kids didn't have to carry the burden!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2863298
08/28/19 10:55 PM
08/28/19 10:55 PM
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Just a quick update.....

Things are moving along. Confirmed that the purchase was with OW and "Joint Tenant". Attorney states I don't have a right to it because he only took "his half" of the investment. I don't want it anyway, but was hoping it would be a better bargaining chip.

H is an idiot.

S22 states he has been e-mailing H a bit. H said he was living in not great places, and "mom moved on" so he basically justified that as a reason to move in with OW. Another deflection of blame. I think S22 still has hopes H will come to his senses soon and we will reconcile. I told him it isn't likely. There was more. It's his process.

D20 will not talk about him, and hasn't been in contact. Her process.

H is an idiot.

I interviewed a 3rd attorney today, and liked her. Straight shooter, seemed very knowledgeable, said I will do just fine out of the settlement based on the info I gave her. I will retain her.

Equal amount of cash is liquidated today, and should be transferred to my own savings account by Friday or at the latest Tuesday. I will inform H once it's wired.

I have decided to contact H to tell him we need to work out a formal separation agreement. I think this is best. If he balks, I will serve him with D papers sooner rather than later.


I'm spending quite a bit of time scanning docs needed for disclosure, working on financial affidavit, etc. prior to retaining attorney so when I'm really ready, I will be able to just hand everything over. It's my process.

H is an idiot.

I wonder if idiots can find happiness.

I have GAL plans now, so gotta go.

Life is still good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2863461
08/30/19 03:17 AM
08/30/19 03:17 AM
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Hello Grace

You are correct. Each of you has your own path / process to walk.

Glad you found a lawyer you like and feel comfortable with. Looks like you have a good handle on the practicalities of this. And youíre walking a good path, just in case youíre wondering. (((Grace)))

Idiot is a bit derogatory, and your usage is understandable. Foolish is a more accurate term I think. As in - Your H is a fool for throwing away a gal like you.

Of the two, I think either could find happiness. However, the idiot has a better chance of keeping it, they are just dim-witted. A fool on the other hand acts imprudently; behaviours that increase the chance of losing their happiness. Kind of like what H is doing right now.

I think fool is a better descriptor for H. Your mind is listening, and beliefs are being altered. These little things all add up.

Take care

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2863681
08/31/19 10:23 PM
08/31/19 10:23 PM
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Gerda Ė I appreciate you checking in and sending love. It means a lot to me, and gives me comfort knowing I have someone thinking about me.

DnJ,
Your post prompted me to look up the definition of ďidiotĒ and ďfoolishĒ. You are correct. Foolish is a more accurate descriptor. But, idiot gives me more pleasure to say out loud.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Of the two, I think either could find happiness. However, the idiot has a better chance of keeping it, they are just dim-witted. A fool on the other hand acts imprudently; behaviors that increase the chance of losing their happiness. Kind of like what H is doing right now.


Boy, is this accurate. Every decision H is making is making him fall further and further into the abyss. He said to me yesterday that not only is he clinically depressed, but itís so much more. When prompted, he stated he thinks he is going crazy. I believe he could be, and I believe he feels like he is going crazy, probably every single day. This statement was at the end of a 40 minutes phone conversation yesterday. We were starting discussions of a settlement agreement.

When I broached the subject of preparing a more formal separation agreement, he stated he wanted to keep it amicable and keep the lawyers out of it. He asked if I retained an attorney (I truthfully told him no), and he said he would be ďforcedĒ to do so as well and it would be costly. He wants to mediate. I told him I am willing to work with him amicably, so I sent him my ďwish listĒ. He sent me several messages saying I didnít know what I was talking about, had no idea about how to calculate alimony, etc. He had the nerve to say that he knows, because OW has been through it and she gets $x,xxx. Keep in mind she is not divorced, and there is no legal separation in my state. The sum was almost 3xs lower than all the alimony calculators say is a starting base. Heís clueless.

Anyway, I told him I could care less about what OW gets. Itís irrelevant. Part of the problem is he refuses to meet with me. He shared with me that he didnít think he could take it. I believe that. He canít face the results of his choices. We did talk on the phone as I stated, and I was so proud of myself. Every other minute or so, he became agitated, a bit aggressive, even angry, but I remained calm, cool, and collected the whole time. He told me he was angry all the time, at even at work, and he was so made the other day he threw his phone down and smashed it. I wonder if OW is living in bliss?
He thought my first proposal was ridiculous, and wanted me to admit it. I just kept saying that I wouldnít go back there because that was just the start of negotiations as we had to start somewhere, and he can now offer me a counter proposal. I will see how it unfolds as Iím just glad the process is starting and he now understands I AM getting a divorce.

I have an attorney picked out and ready to go, and am continuing scanning 3 months worth of statements, documents, etc. I wonít work with H without attorneys for long, and I am clear headed and vigilant. I told him I donít want this dragged out, and we need to keep it moving.

I will be ready, even though H very well might not be in any way.

He still doesnít understand why I had to tell the kids about OW. I did say that they should know you have moved on and the truth, and that some day you might have them meet her. He said that he told OW that she will probably never meet the kids. Again, makes me wonder if she is living in bliss with a man obviously not proud of his choice. Not my problem.

Good night last night with friends in my home. D20 is home for the long weekend. She is better.

I donít know if I would use the word bliss for my life. Joyful, happy, fulfilling. They are better choices for me.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2863698
09/01/19 03:05 AM
09/01/19 03:05 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Grace

Originally Posted by Grace21
...idiot gives me more pleasure to say out loud.

LOL!

Most definitely.

I found my XW, and most MLCers I presume, are emotionally child-like, stunted. However, they can at times be deviously clever and manipulative. They are immature in emotional intelligence and empathy; yet still possess adult intellect and calculated reason, which does surface every now and then. Something not to be overlooked. Thinking theyíre dumber than they are could lead to problems when negotiating. An MLCer will coldly and calculatingly go after whatever they desire, with very little regard for anyone. They are broken, their emotions on full, their empathy unable to function.

Your H is telling the truth, he does feel like he is going crazy. He will do all manner of things to ďtryĒ to fix the confusion and pain. All will fail. His, is a life of trouble and depression until he looks inward.

My XW also stated she felt she was going crazy. She also wanted, and pushed through, an amicable divorce. She unraveled very fast, and I figure if things had drag out she probably would have gone for more, either from her own desires or prompting from OM. My advice, once started get this done quickly if possible.

Youíve waited and let him do the heavy lifting for as long as possible and now need protection and security. It is your time to act.

You should be proud of yourself for how you behaved conversing with him. Well done! He was certainly trying to get you pulled in. (Oh I love to see examples of trying vs doing).

Originally Posted by Grace21
Anyway, I told him I could care less about what OW gets. Itís irrelevant.

That was wonderful.

The whole conversation sounded very cool-headed. You are a force, and have reclaimed your self esteem. No walking on eggshells anymore. Polite and to the point, no blaming, no judging - really excellent. Continue to not blow up at him. Blasting him will not serve your goals here or future, and will drive him nuts. smile And yeah, he is clueless about alimony - wow 3 times lower, boy is he going to get a shock.

I agree with your thoughts about describing life. A blissful life is a fantasy, life is hard and takes work. There are certainly moments of bliss. Joyful, happy, fulfilling - yep much more accurate.

Keep walking your path and guiding your kids. Glad to hear D20 is doing better.

Youíve come a long way and are one heck of a good role model - for kids and here.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2864576
09/08/19 04:49 PM
09/08/19 04:49 PM
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Thought Iíd stop by for a bit of an update. Things are happening, thatís for sure:

So I had some questions about Hís proposal. He of course had to remind me what a ridiculous, insulting offer my first one was, and how generous he is with his. Itís so funny he canít understand I see right through his sugar coating, twisting, and lying. Itís pretty ridiculous. He believes he is in control, and doesnít realize that I am the one in control. Iíll let him believe it.

I brought up that his proposal kept me and the kids on his insurance, but this canít be so since I have to get my own after we divorce. I told him I appreciated his offer to keep the kids on. He responded that itís just as expensive to have him and the kids and me as it is just him and the kids, and didnít understand why I would want a Ďquickí divorce. Really? Over insurance? Well, thatís why his girlfriend remains married, so I guess it must be a good reason. HaHa. Anyway, told him that he chose to buy a place with another woman and start a life with her, and I already told him I didnít sign up for an open marriage. I really donít think he believed I would D and take away his plan B. He said that if he has other expenses like health insurance, the kids car insurance, etc, he needs to rethink his offer, saying ďsorry. This needs to be fair to me tooĒ. Heís balking at paying car insurance, cell phone etc. even though we set a precedent when they went to college to do so until they graduate. He says he loves me and the kids and wants to take care of us. Really? Doesnít sound like it. Me I can understand. But his own kids?
It just rolls off my back now. My communications with him are only business-like. I donít let him draw me in. I think heís surprised.

I never agreed to anything he wrote in his ďgenerous offerĒ, just went back with questions for ďclarityĒ. Havenít heard back. Heís on a trip with his girlfriend now to introduce her to his birth mother. I only know because they tried to sign into Netflix and the location showed up. So, heís busy now, and probably just avoiding the inevitable. I donít think he really thought I would divorce him.

D20 still blocks her dad from phone and FB. But, H had S22 ask me for her e-mail address. I gave it to him without thinking. Well, yep. You guessed it. He sent a very long e-mail to D20. She called me at work crying her eyes out. It was full of excuses, half-truths, and a few lies. She saw right through it, and said itís just excuses and no accountability or apology. I donít think she plans to respond. Of course I had to leave work for the day and pick up the pieces. I fear H might be the cause of a nervous breakdown. Makes me so made how clueless and selfish he is. I discussed with D20 about me filing for D (I havenít yet, but itís coming). She said ďGood. The sooner the betterĒ.

Friday I retained an attorney, and submitted the first draft of my financial affidavit. Iím going to work out with her a fair and equitable settlement to present to H based on the attorneyís advise (we will discuss next week). I donít think H sees it coming. I donít really care.
If he just spews more anger, threats, and accuses me of not being fair, etc, Iíll just turn it completely over to the attorney. Enough is enough. I donít want this to drag on. I want to be divorced before Thanksgiving, but preferably next month.

I continue to have a very full, content, and mostly happy life. I have joy and peace. Lots of activities, getting together with friends, and a trip almost every month planned through February!

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Perfecting my inner peace [Re: Grace21] #2865715
09/18/19 05:59 PM
09/18/19 05:59 PM
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Grace21 Offline OP
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Thought Iíd pop in for a short update.

Have mostly good days filled with friends, activities, peace and joy. Anxiousness creeps in here and there, but doesnít consume me any more.

I believe H is feeling cornered. He's angry in his communications with me. My attempts at opening negotiations for a settlement are responded by him with attacks on my character, accusations that Iím trying to ruin him, and other such things. I have not taken the bait. My responses are measured, level headed, and calm. I reminded him that these are negotiations, and a response with a well thought out counter proposal would be more productive than telling me Iím ridiculous and his original proposal was more than generous. He never responded (Iím not surprised).

I have been very up front with him, and he has not been with me. He is taking the rest of the cash on hand from our trust (his 50%), stating that ďsince I forced him to get an attorney, he had no choice as he has no savings to pay the retainerĒ. I plan to just move ďmy shareĒ into an account with my name only. He is not thinking about all the tax implications.

Heís not thinking rationally at all, I donít believe.

I told him I would wait for him to get an attorney so I can serve him the papers there rather than at his home. He is meeting with one this week. Maybe he will be more reasonable once he gets some legal advice. Maybe he will get a shady one that says they can take me to the cleaners. Who knows? I wrote to H that mine was very up front about my rights, and up front in informing me what I can reasonably expect without promising me the moon. I said I hoped he would do the same, as I want it only to be fair, and stay out of court as he does.

I have another phone convo set up with my attorney tomorrow to see how we can move this along. I was hoping we could negotiate most of it prior to mediation, but it doesnít seem likely. I want to file and get it over with.

I have a life to live without all this interfering.

I turn 56 on Saturday. I have a jam packed weekend planned starting Friday night with a 4 course, high end wine dinner. Lunch Saturday with a friend, out to hear a few bands with friends Saturday night, and Sunday I travel to spend the day with the kids. Next weekend a short cruise with a GF.

My life is full. I am happy, and refuse to let the D process interfere with that happiness.

I am committed to remain calm, kind, compassionate, and level-headed in all my interactions with H.

God is holding my hand walking by my side, and I know he will keep me on the path he has chosen for me.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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