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A Message from Michele
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At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) #2861938
08/19/19 05:42 PM
08/19/19 05:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
T
TommyS Offline OP
New Member
TommyS  Offline OP
New Member
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
Hi all, I have been absorbing all the great information on these forums and I am finally posting about my story.

I am 32, my wife is 35, no kids, and we have been married for 12 years and our relationship was quite good the first 9 years. We were very happy. The last 3 years were not so good. 3 years ago, I started suffering from erectile dysfunction and our sex life was greatly impacted. It took me a long time to realize that I had this problem and I kept it to myself. I felt embarrassed and I kept thinking it would magically go away and that I was just going through a rut. My wife started believing that I was no longer attracted to her and became very suspicious of me. If I didn't return a phone call or a text, she would get quite angry and give me the silent treatment.

A few times she called me out and accused me of having an affair, and asked me why I was no longer interested in her. I told her the truth: that I was still attracted to her, loved her, and would never cheat on her. What I didn't tell her was that the problem was a physical one for me (the erectile dysfunction). In hindsight, this was my big mistake, and it was one of pride: I just felt too embarrassed to admit that I was suffering from this and to talk about it openly to my spouse.

Over the course of 3 years, this eroded our relationship and I noticed her pulling away slowly. She talked less and less, never initiated physical contact, simple hugs, kisses, and basic affection went missing. This hurt me, and a few weeks ago I finally confronted her about it and I finally admitted to her that I had ED. She told me that I should have revealed this years ago, that she was suffering tremendously, but now it was too late and she dropped the ILYBNILWY. She told me maybe we should separate.

I was shocked, hurt, tried to convince and beg her to give the relationship another shot. I urged her to reconsider, told her I would visit a doctor and was willing to go to couples therapy or counseling. I told her I understood that she no longer loved me but that those feelings would come back over time if she was willing to try. She expressed that she doesn't believe those feelings can come back and, although she didn't say it outright, I can tell she doesn't want to try and repair the relationship, or to see any kind of therapist/counselor. She is ready to separate.

The current situation: We are still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed, but there is zero emotional connection now. Our conversations are short and very neutral. We are on "good terms", but she barely says hello to me and never asks any questions about my thoughts or feelings. She has stopped wearing her wedding ring for at least a few weeks now. I still wear mine. There is no physical interaction, not even a touch. I have stopped trying to initiate anything, I don't want to be pushy or appear needy. I have been applying Sandi's rules religiously for about 2 weeks.

I want things to work out and to repair this, but I feel like it is doomed.
GAL is not a problem for me, I exercise daily and have many hobbies/activities/friends.
I have also started detaching: after a lot of pain and sleepless nights, I have come to accept that I am not in control of her and that if she wants to leave, and feels her happiness is elsewhere, I must respect that.

I am open to any feedback on what I should do next. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. And, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I truly appreciate it.


H 32, W 35
ILYBNILWY 07/27/09
Re: At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) [Re: TommyS] #2861942
08/19/19 05:55 PM
08/19/19 05:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) [Re: TommyS] #2861945
08/19/19 06:13 PM
08/19/19 06:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 590
O
ozman Offline
Member
ozman  Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 590
Hey Tommy. Iím sorry your going through this. The people on here are great. I donít feel Iím in a position to offer much advice yet but I wanted you to know your not alone.

I wish you the best.

Dig deep and stay strong

Oz


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
Re: At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) [Re: TommyS] #2861954
08/19/19 06:50 PM
08/19/19 06:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 216
H
Hallzy9 Offline
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Hallzy9  Offline
Member
H
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 216
Hey bud, sorry to hear what youíre going through, everyone hereís been through something similar.

Good job reading sandis rules, keep applying them. Time and space are vital right now. Get out of the house, get a life, start a new hobby and meet some new friends. These are for you to improve on some traits and to help take your mind off W.

She is no longer your priority. Improving yourself is now your priority. 180 on negative behaviors. Treat her with kindness and have a PMA, but do not be her doormat.

Are there any signs of an affair? Changing phone password, greatly increased phone use anything like that?


Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Re: At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) [Re: TommyS] #2861962
08/19/19 07:04 PM
08/19/19 07:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
T
TommyS Offline OP
New Member
TommyS  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
Thank you for your support. It really means a lot.

There are no signs of an affair. She has told me that she has never cheated on me. She has admitted that at her work and in her daily life, there have been times when men have hit on her and that she has been feeling more and more receptive to those. At this point, it is possible that eventually she will reciprocate on one of those advances.

She is going out with her girlfriends more than usual, but I'm sure it is because she needs support and people to talk to. There is no password on her phone, so I could search through it if I wanted to, but for my peace of mind, I don't want to go in "spy mode" (which is also not recommended by Sandi's rules).


H 32, W 35
ILYBNILWY 07/27/09
Re: At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) [Re: TommyS] #2861967
08/19/19 07:15 PM
08/19/19 07:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,145
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,145
Hello Tommy, welcome to the forums. Have you read DR? Read that first, then read The 5 Love Languages. 5LL is difficult to implement after BD without putting pressure on her, but it will help you see where things went wrong and give you some ideas on how to start bridging the gap in your R.

Quote
Over the course of 3 years, this eroded our relationship and I noticed her pulling away slowly. She talked less and less, never initiated physical contact, simple hugs, kisses, and basic affection went missing. This hurt me, and a few weeks ago I finally confronted her about it and I finally admitted to her that I had ED. She told me that I should have revealed this years ago, that she was suffering tremendously, but now it was too late and she dropped the ILYBNILWY. She told me maybe we should separate.


Well you can certainly see where she's coming from I hope. Trust builds relationships, and lack of trust destroys them. You withheld that info for so long that she lost trust and now doesn't feel she can gain it back again. Give her time and space and work on your issues. With time she may learn to trust the "new" you, but she needs to see consistent changes for a long period of time. Are you going to IC?

Quote
I can tell she doesn't want to try and repair the relationship, or to see any kind of therapist/counselor. She is ready to separate.


Yes that is how she feels right now. It can change with time though.

Quote
I have stopped trying to initiate anything, I don't want to be pushy or appear needy. I have been applying Sandi's rules religiously for about 2 weeks.


Good.

Quote
I want things to work out and to repair this, but I feel like it is doomed.


Impossible to know yet. I've seen marriages come back from some seemingly impossible situations, much worse than yours.

Quote
I have come to accept that I am not in control of her and that if she wants to leave, and feels her happiness is elsewhere, I must respect that.


Correct.

Quote
I am open to any feedback on what I should do next.


Remove all pressure. Give her time and space. Work on yourself. Don't be cold and indifferent, be warm but don't pursue. Take a long-term view.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) [Re: AnotherStander] #2861974
08/19/19 07:28 PM
08/19/19 07:28 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
T
TommyS Offline OP
New Member
TommyS  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
I am in the process of reading DR. So much content in there resonates with me, if only I had read this a year ago...
I will look into the 5 Love Languages, I am not familiar with that.

I am not currently going to IC. The hardest part right now is getting no positive feedback at all, however minor, from my spouse. I feel like I am some kind of weird roommate to her.


H 32, W 35
ILYBNILWY 07/27/09
Re: At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) [Re: TommyS] #2861979
08/19/19 07:52 PM
08/19/19 07:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 303
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IronWill Offline
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IronWill  Offline
Member
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Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 303
Hey Tommy - sorry you are here, it definitely [censored], but you have come to the right place. Lots of great people here with a lot of knowledge.

Originally Posted by TommyS

I am not currently going to IC.


I would highly recommend getting into IC. It can be extraordinarily difficult to hold all these emotions and feelings inside, especially considering the emotional rollercoaster you are and will be experiencing.

It doesn't have to be every week, but it does help to know you have a physical person who will listen to you without judgement and may be able to offer advice or a different opinion on your situation.

Quote

The hardest part right now is getting no positive feedback at all, however minor, from my spouse. I feel like I am some kind of weird roommate to her.


Yes, I am going through the same thing. I have been in various versions of this same state with my W for 12 months now. 5 months ago she was exhibiting very strange behavior and was running out the door. I started implementing DB and it slowed the process way down and she did calm down somewhat. She still does not communicate and still occasionally says she wants to move out or get a D, but DBing seems to have toned this right down.

Very important to drop all pursuit and give her time and space. Let her work through her issues in her own time, and take this time to improve yourself for yourself. She might notice.

Stay strong smile


Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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