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A Message from Michele
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Is the rest of my life ruined??? #2861924
08/19/19 04:58 PM
08/19/19 04:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 27
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Ske0187 Offline OP
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Ske0187  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 27

My stable wife is nowÖUnstableÖ

Forgive me if I ramble. I am out of my mind right now.

Me Married 4 times 1st WW, 3 yrs, 2nd WH 5 Yrs 1 child now 30, 3rd WH then WW 14 yrs, two step kids now 35 and 34.

Learned a lot. I was totally wrong and repentant. Did all of my work and became a completely reformed scumbag.

Now... Married 12yrs. I would NEVER cheat on my wife. I traveled around the country A LOT. Never was even tempted. How many times can you betray and be betrayed before you figure it out?

Never thought this would happen in a gazillion years.

We met at work training when we were both married to other people. Talked. No hanky panky/crazy talk AT ALL. Both totally committed to fidelity.

Her marriage had issues. Mine was stable for 3-4 years after my affairs, then BOOM! (Again....) We became great friends. Lived far from each other across multiple states. Talked often, then not so much.

Both were already divorced when we were forced to be in the same place for work for an extended period. Feelings developed then.

We had sex when we first got together then decided not to anymore until marriage. 15 months no sex. She wanted kids, me not and she agreed. Led to some issues but were resolved after she decided it was ďOKĒ but went off the pill without telling me. Sex went down the tubes. I didnít want kids.

After a while we discovered she couldnít have kids. (She wouldíve been preggers already) We were used to not having sex then so still not having much.

About 6 years ago I agreed to adopt. She was ecstatic. Me too!

We get the foster to adopt thing going. Get our daughter. She is AWESOME! Best thing ever! We adopted her last DEC. I so regret not doing this sooner. Got our son 1.5ish years ago right out of the hospital. Heís awesome too! I can say with no reservations that it would be worse for our son to go ĎbackĒ into the foster system than be raised in divorced sitch. Even though I know Iíll have to pay if I canít get this to work. He deserves the chance.

Classic story. We were totally happy. Had great sex but not very often. Once or twice every couple months. She never complained or brought it up. I was tired from work all the time so no biggie right!!!??? For years she complains about me not helping her around the house and Iím communicating my displeasure at her delivery pointing that out. She feels Iím taking her for granted. Then no more nagging. SWEET! Right???

Now, WW!???!!! With 1 adopted DD 30 mos old, 1 Foster DS 17 Mos about to adopt 1st week of Sept. Yeah... In two weeks. What the H is she thinking!!!??? At work no less. With someone I know!!!

In May she changed overnight. She sat down on our chair and told me she wasnít happy in our marriage, she didnít want to have sex anymore. She has endo so I asked even if it wasnít for that? And she said yes. This was about a week before she had to go away for three weeks. (Not around OM though as far as I know.)

Up until that point she totally withdrew hated smart phones but was now constantly on hers. I mean constantly. Would periodically accuse me of cheating, look at my phone, make the absolute WILDEST accusations. Despite the fact she had every password, location services, access to EVERYTHING! I was totally perplexed but paying attention. (See above for reformed scumbag.) I always told her what you don't know, WILL hurt you. But, she would never do this right? I didnít think so. She knew my most valued marital value was trust because I had broken it and had it broken soooo many times before us.

I told her that when she accused me it broke down trusting feelings I had toward our relationship. But, she persisted in doing it.

About two weeks prior to BD, she talked to her sister but said we were having problems because I was taking her for granted. Then during a family camping trip two weeks ago ish she gave me the ILYBINILWY thing and tried to tell me it was all my fault. What???!!! I thought this stuff was 50-50??? Iím a laid-back dude but this was a lot so I told her this was a 50-50 thing. She wanted me to tell her about the things she was doing wrong in a very defensive tone.

I was scared. So far, she had started doing her hair differently, groomed differently, new nails, late home from work every day, accusations, ILYBINILWY, cell phone use. The flags were flying!

One day I surprised her with her cell and she put it down and moved so I couldnít see it. I confronted her about it and she said she was turning off her music so we could talk. I really didnít want to know so I didnít look at it. (I was a coward.) Once you accuse, you cant take it back. I kicked myself for days about it. Then a few days later, I surprised her again while she was looking for a baby monitor to give my sister. (I wasnít trying to sneak up on her.) When I came in, she put her phone down very quickly in the closet. I puttered around the room for a minute and then went in the closet and got her phone. I thought she was going to push me down trying to get it. I weigh 240 sheís 125.

There it was, the ďI love yousĒ, the ďWhat are we going to do about our, kids, spouses, lives.Ē Etc.
Iím devastated. Iím old! I donít have that much time left to be wasting it on the BS I had to do before. I have two little kids. YES! The ones sheís always wanted. HER WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I know from past experience I need to do things to make sure I donít come out of this a broken person. I went on the internet and found this site. Iíve been reading for about a week and have started the 180s. Sheís pissed! She says Iím ignoring her. (Iím not) just withdrawn and cordial. No change whatsoever when the kids are around. Iím running, growing a very distinguished beard, I may shave it though. It makes me look older.

Iím not sure what Iím doing really. Cleaning out closets, cars, garage. I need my head back. She gets pissed about everything. I asked her to move down the hall, she followed me into the room yesterday to clean out her closet. (While I was doing mine)

She acts as though everything is ok and expects me to be ok with her being ďin loveĒ with someone else. Says itís her fault but always adds ďbutĒ you put me in this position. I take full responsibility for my part of the breakdown of our relationship. NONE of her decision to take her body and feelings elsewhere.

I screwed up and told her I wouldnít file D or help her in anyway except working out details of property, visitation and child support. Iím going to retract that.

Initially she stayed in the MBR but she didn't do anything about him and is just eating the biggest cake in the bakery!

I'm not into cake...

I laid down some boundaries.

She has to tell him its over. She told me she couldn't help her feelings. Nope. Not buying it. It's total crapola.

Seeing him alone is unacceptable. (They work together in a basement.)

He has to move out of the basement back upstairs.

She canít yell at me. Ever.

Iím struggling with the decision to call the OMS and tell the sister and BIL.

Yesterday was our 12th anniversary. It suckedÖ

Right now, I can barely hold it together when I hug or even think about my kids. She betrayed them too and they are innocent.

The latest thing today is that I took my leftover BBQ to work. She hasnít said a positive thing about any of it ever. Now, sheís pissed I took it to work. What???

The 180s are HARD. I feel they will push her away. Iím going to do them though. The alternative is unacceptable. I just donít know about my future. I donít have that much time to be unhappyÖ But my kidsÖ

I'll need help with this. I've been reading and there are some really smart, kind and empathetic people here.

Iím going to close now. Ill be backÖ.


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: Ske0187] #2861926
08/19/19 05:15 PM
08/19/19 05:15 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: Ske0187] #2861939
08/19/19 05:47 PM
08/19/19 05:47 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 483
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CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 483
Wow, ske0187, that's a ridiculously bad situation. While I've never cheated, I relate to "She knew my most valued marital value was trust because I had broken it and had it broken soooo many times before us. " I think it's normal for us to value most that which was lacking in past relationships.

Originally Posted by "ske0187"
Iím old! I donít have that much time left to be wasting it on the BS I had to do before.

Given where this partnership is--she's betrayed you (your highest value), the sex is non-existent now but even before was poor (monthly), and her complaining about housework for years fell on deaf ears--I do wonder what redeeming value is here that would drive you to spend a year+ salvaging this.

180s and GAL for you is fortunately on the right path either way!

Last edited by CWarrior; 08/19/19 05:50 PM.

GAMEPLAN:
1. Retransform into someone fit to lead epic adventures
2. Build trust and closeness with some lucky lady
a. Allow my partner time to become her
b. Be ready to date in a few months
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: Ske0187] #2861972
08/19/19 07:24 PM
08/19/19 07:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 12,979
NY
Originally Posted by Ske0187
Iím old!
I donít have that much time left to be wasting it on the BS I had to do before.

Your the same age I was when I showed up here 10 years ago.
Of course I thought the same thing that I was OLD.
I named myself Old Pilot, well 10 years later and I am not any younger..... LOL!!!

You can survive this.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: Ske0187] #2861989
08/19/19 08:22 PM
08/19/19 08:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,133
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,133
Hello and welcome!

Originally Posted by Ske0187
Classic story. We were totally happy. Had great sex but not very often. Once or twice every couple months. She never complained or brought it up. I was tired from work all the time so no biggie right!!!??? For years she complains about me not helping her around the house and Iím communicating my displeasure at her delivery pointing that out. She feels Iím taking her for granted. Then no more nagging. SWEET! Right???


A lot of marriages fall apart because one of the partners (sometimes both) is harboring resentment and not telling the other about it. So usually when it finally blows up, the unknowing party feels blind-sided. But in fact it's been building up for a long time. I'm sure you saw in DR that the "no more nagging" thing is actually a huge red flag that the bomb is about to drop.

Quote
Up until that point she totally withdrew hated smart phones but was now constantly on hers. I mean constantly. Would periodically accuse me of cheating, look at my phone, make the absolute WILDEST accusations.


All very typical and part of it. My XW used to quite literally fall asleep with hers in her hand whereas before BD she didn't even know where she had left it most of the time. Here we are years later and when I am around her, sometimes for hours, I never see her look at it.

Quote
Iím a laid-back dude but this was a lot so I told her this was a 50-50 thing.


Don't say that to her. You need to own your part, let her sort through what she needs to own. At first she'll say it's all your fault but eventually she'll realize she has her own issues to deal with.

Quote
Iíve been reading for about a week and have started the 180s. Sheís pissed! She says Iím ignoring her. (Iím not) just withdrawn and cordial. No change whatsoever when the kids are around.


She doesn't want you to change or fix your issues. She wants to blame you, period. So when you start listening and validating, giving her time and space, being a better dad, working on you, it will make her VERY angry. She'll shout "too little too late!!!" and "why couldn't you change before when there was still a chance????" Just listen and validate and keep up with your changes. EVENTUALLY it'll have a positive impact on her, but not initially. This is the long game.

Quote
I screwed up and told her I wouldnít file D or help her in anyway except working out details of property, visitation and child support. Iím going to retract that.


NO DON'T RETRACT IT!! That was absolutely the right thing to say! Your attitude should be "I don't want this but I understand you do and I will respect your wishes and not stand in your way. But I will not do the work for you, because it's not what I want."

Quote
I laid down some boundaries.

She has to tell him its over.


Boundaries are meaningless without ramifications. What are the ramifications if she does not comply with this boundary?


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: AnotherStander] #2862036
08/20/19 10:53 AM
08/20/19 10:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 27
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Ske0187 Offline OP
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Ske0187  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 27
I'm going to expose to the OMW. But I didn't threaten it. I won't be telling her stuff ahead of time. I've already told her all of the things I need her to do. She's not beyond blaming me for everything.


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: Ske0187] #2862041
08/20/19 11:37 AM
08/20/19 11:37 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 27
S
Ske0187 Offline OP
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Ske0187  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 27
Soooo...

Last night the W gets home. She's on the silent treatment. "If you can only talk to me about the kids and finances then we don't need to talk about anything." I said, "OK".

I was supposed to have a medical test today and needed a driver. She was supposed to take me and I had no alternative but to ask her. So I texted her about it yesterday. So after we "Don't have anything to talk about" she goes off on me about, "It's OK to talk to me if YOU need something!" I asked her to be civil when she talked to me. She says, "I am!"

Yeah. Whatever...The next thing she says is forced civil.

We were supposed to take the car into the shop today on the way to the Dr appt.. She asked me how long it was going to be there because she has a Dr. appt Friday. I was concerned about her health so I asked why. She said Botox. (She's been doing it for a few years.) I asked how how much it costs. With major attitude, she asks why. I said, "because I'm not going to pay for your cosmetic procedure so you can look good because I don't benefit from it." Let me tell you, that was HARD. I so wanted to say because I'm not paying for you to look good for your boyfriend!!! But I didn't. That was a small victory.

Anyway... She went off! Well then I'm not paying for you to bring BBQ to to work because it doesn't benefit me!

Good lord. If she only heard herself. I'd really like to video the stupidity that has been coming out of her mouth for the last few months. She'd be so embarrassed whenever she actually gets her mind back...

So, she steers the conversation towards separation of finances. OK. No problem. She starts saying she doesn't know how we got into this situation. Throughout this period I'm sitting up facing her and validating as required. But when she says that, apparently, I sighed deeply and looked away. Totally the wrong thing but it was involuntary. She then goes toward blaming me for the sitch again. "This is the reason we're here, you don't listen and tune me out." Like she never cheated or tried to convince me her changing was due to her ILYBINILWY was due to that and not her E/PA. SMDH...

She wants things to be normal with me like nothing ever happened. Figuratively speaking, I'd like to shake her until her head gets right!


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: Ske0187] #2862064
08/20/19 01:50 PM
08/20/19 01:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,133
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,133
Have you seen War of the Roses? You think this is all her. She thinks it's all you. The truth is between those two extremes. I see two bickering people who are equally contributing to the mess. You can't count on her to change so you need to be the one. Rise up, be the lighthouse.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: Ske0187] #2862088
08/20/19 03:43 PM
08/20/19 03:43 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 483
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CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Posts: 483
Originally Posted by "Ske0187"
She was supposed to take me and I had no alternative but to ask her.

AnotherStander, great movie reference!! Uber? Lyft? If you enforce those boundaries (e.g., "She HAS to tell him it's over."), you may be finding independent alternatives all the time, so it's wise to begin thinking about how that'll work and getting more independent. She told you she didn't want to talk to you--it's almost like ignoring her wishes and pushing her to talk and do a favor didn't help.

Originally Posted by "Ske0187"
"If you can only talk to me about the kids and finances then we don't need to talk about anything.".. she goes off on me about, "It's OK to talk to me if YOU need something!"

"I get we weren't talking, so you're frustrated I texted to remind you about driving me today. You feel like you don't get to talk, but I get to talk, which isn't equal." It sounds like she's open to discussing some issues.

Originally Posted by "Ske0187"
I asked how how much it costs. With major attitude, she asks why. I said, "because I'm not going to pay for your cosmetic procedure so you can look good because I don't benefit from it." So, she steers the conversation towards separation of finances.

I get where you're coming from. "Before, the Botox was for ME and now it's for HIM." If she got Botox for years even before the affair, maybe she does the treatments for HER to feel good about herself.

Consider given you're married, in most jurisdictions, the money belongs to both of you. "I'M not going to pay.." By TAKING CONTROL of the shared money and STOPPING her from using it in customary ways, you're (a) mashing her "controlling" button and (b) steering towards a separation of finances discussion. Once she gets her half of any home(s), money, car(s), income(s)--she's back in control of whether or not to do Botox.

Beyond that, how would you even enforce this boundary? In my jurisdiction, if she disobeys you and gets Botox on a credit card, even a new credit card, since you're married you wouldn't have any recourse.

We're all a ball of emotions after BD. Try to slow down dramatic actions.

Last edited by CWarrior; 08/20/19 03:47 PM.

GAMEPLAN:
1. Retransform into someone fit to lead epic adventures
2. Build trust and closeness with some lucky lady
a. Allow my partner time to become her
b. Be ready to date in a few months
Re: Is the rest of my life ruined??? [Re: CWarrior] #2862096
08/20/19 04:35 PM
08/20/19 04:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 27
S
Ske0187 Offline OP
Member
Ske0187  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 27
Ha...

We're all a ball of emotions after BD. Try to slow down dramatic actions.[/quote]

This whole 180 thing is like playing minesweeper when 95% of the squares have mines under them!

"If she got Botox for years even before the affair, maybe she does the treatments for HER to feel good about herself."

She beat me over the head with that one and I had to agree with her and tell her so.


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
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