Be patient. You cannot push this along. Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
I most definitely support you writing down your goals. Share them if you like. I am interested in hearing what you think, feel, and believe. What are your loft goals? Those headings, the direction of your life. What are the smaller milestones? And think about the small steps that let you know you are moving in the right direction.
A big part of this for me is beliefs. Emotions can and will change, and thoughts will follow emotions pretty quickly. Beliefs, values, convictions - those are slow to change. Those are the compass we should follow. However, one needs to ensure they are happy with their deep values / beliefs. This is part of using time well. Do that inner work. Find, alter, and strengthen your values. If you are not please about something within yourself, this is a great time to fix it.
You told H that counselling was non-negotiable. That is ok, probably true, and a very good thing. So go.
You.
Lead by example.
And with you demonstrating your willingness to attend individual counselling, you can suggest within the circle of trust that H attends his own as well. Not demand, suggest. You might just be surprised at the result. Keep expectation at zero and see what happens. No need to work out a strategy if H is willing to go.
The cell phone. Oh that is a big a big one, Isn’t it? Lots of fear, doubts, and worry. You say you have an issue with trust. Not really - there’s no issue - you don’t trust him. Plain and simple. You’d like to trust him. To be able to trust him.
You asked for help, and I think goal setting should be forward looking and positive. A goal of your’s should be to trust H again. That is a lofty goal. Trust is easily broken and takes lots of time and a consistent effort by both parties to rebuild it.
Some small milestones and beliefs for you: Realize and believe that trust is possible. Believe that it is possible that you could trust H again. Realize this is a long process with lots of bumps along the way. Believe in the possibility. These are some small steps that are directly within your control, and a good place to start. The actual mechanics of rebuilding trust will require open sincere dialog between you and H. Be patient, H really isn’t ready yet.
For right now, yes you did invade his privacy. You snooped on his phone and he freaked out. In the vein of “do more of what works and less of what doesn’t”, you should stop looking on his phone without his permission or agreement of random inspections. That will come, however for now it is too soon.
Originally Posted by BarbH
I've said I "need him to help me heal" from this...
No. Nope. No.
H has enough of his own emotions, he is cranked up to eleven, he really cannot handle your’s as well. Be patient.
You do not need him to help you heal. You heal yourself.
My XW left me, left the kids, and moved in with OM, all on BD night. Me and the kids all healed without her, and without her ever apologizing, and without any meaningful involvement in any of our lives since that day.
You heal you. This is completely within your control. Don’t ever lose sight of that fact. Your choices will define you and your growth.
During the circle of trust talks, apologize for looking at his phone. If he is emotional ok, go further and calmly explain why you looked. You want to be able to trust him again. You were hurt and just wanted confirmation of his promising that the EA and PA is over.
I know - apologize?!? Yep. For a while you are going to have to be the bigger person, the leader, the beacon, the lighthouse. Barb, move forward, focusing on you and what is right and working, not on what has happened or is wrong. You for sure don’t want to sweep things under the carpet, just think about the timing is all.
His alluding to “issues”. Let him tell you the issues he sees. “I am sorry you feel that way” will be a good phrase to remember.
Own the issues that are valid - not quite accurate.
Whatever H says is valid - to him. It could be complete bunk, but to him it is not. Validate and listen to his emotions. Own whatever issues that are valid and true to you - and work on them.
There is a line between validating and being disrespected. H does not get to disrespect you. He stays on the correct side of that line.
It is really good that H has agreed to a discussion meeting. Keep it friendly. Keep your emotions in check, you can let them out later. See where he is going, today. Tomorrow, I can guarantee he will be heading somewhere different. He will flip and flop for a while. Just four months ago he was certain that the marriage was over and he wanted a divorce. Think small steps - really small steps.
You want to heal the marriage.
You heal you.
H heals him. (Give him a shinning example to follow)
Then work on M.
You’ve got lots of time.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Please start a new thread and link the two threads together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
