We have been getting quite a few concerns about spouses looking at postings that the posters post here. I have several suggestions for those who are concerned:
1. Go in and change your display name; and/or
2; Create a new name and start a new thread, but don't provide as much info as you have in your previous threads. Be sure to notify the moderators of who you were previously so that we can get you off moderation as quickly as possible.
Cadet may have some other suggestions.
I don't agree about the changing your name - unless you are going to use a different e-mail address and a new account. If they have already bookmarked your threads then changing the display name will be obvious to them
My ex wife had a username here but never posted. She was stalking me to get information to use in court.
So be aware that the likely reason is that.
Certainly in a normal marriage being totally honest with your partner is a must. But in these situations you are being lied to and nothing good usually comes from being spied on here.
Clear your browser history, and try to use a different device than what they use. How did they find you here and what can you do differently to stop that from happening again.
I like your idea of just shifting your focus on posts. Just don't touch on anything legal (sorry you don't have that sounding board) and keep it to FS related.
I feel you don't really care if H reads and that's cool. I feel a bit similarly. If my W reads here it's a greater insight to my process than she'd ever get otherwise. Not that it's owed, but it doesn't really bother me. We shared a life for 10 years, then we didn't. She shouldn't be shocked by my pain or even any contradictory statements. It's a crazy thing to go through for anyone, and emotions and working out our feelings/thoughts is something everyone should have a space for. Ours happens to be online.
I don't think your H ever has (to my limited knowledge via you, of course) had any intentions to hurt you in any way. He may have known that it would happen - of course it would happen! - but it wasn't the goal. So with that in mind, I think you and I *may* feel similarly in that it's okay if the X or STBX reads here. They haven't yet shown the need to use the information maliciously, as others have.
Some spouses here truly have gone off the rails. That's not our experience. So exercising caution is important, but letting them know that we're still humans who hurt isn't likely to lead to more intentional hurt on our parts.
Ugh. That is pretty jerky. Agree that you should still handle all of this on your own timeline and change your passwords. This might be too little too late, but I only come to this site on private/incognito browsing mode and I have password protected any file on my computer I don't want H to see.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Yail - I don't think he ever meant to hurt me. He was hurting (depression, confusion and looking for someone to blame) and hurt people hurt people. If I had started Db'g earlier, we might have had a chance. Once he'd moved out there really was no coming back.
It's funny, I think he has been DB'g also - he did it naturally though.
- Detach (he spent months demonising me in his head pre BD, that by the time BD happened, I was a terrible person he didn't want anything to do with); - 180 (spending more time with the children and doing activities with them, decorating his flat ** bachelor pad it aint, it is full of pictures of the children, their toys, fairy and butterfly stickers, watching more documentaries, reading self help books, eating right, learning to cook) - GAL (reaching out to friends he'd lost touch with, joining an OLD, going on holidays on his own, going to the gym more, joining local dad's football club) - Going dark/NC - stopped calling me every day (calls the girls instead now) and msgs me. Msgs are short, abrupt and logistical.
And given that, I suspect he is in the same frame of mind as me (and I am stealing from LH here). He knows he was happier M but he is OK being single. He is walking the path that he laid out for himself, and he feels OK with it.
I should have been more vigilante - my H is a sneaky nosy SOB. It's in his nature. It's part of his need to be in control.
May - Docs password protected and now in incognito mode. Thank you for your suggestion.
I find it a bit sinister that your H has been looking through your documents. The house might still be legally his as well as yours so he's allowed to go in, but that doesn't extend - as you know - to him messing about with your personal things and reading your documents. He's obviously very anxious about what a legal divorce or separation would mean for him. I think you're probably reading him exactly right - this is about his need to feel in control - but surely the point of a separation of the type that he has been seeking and going through is that each person gets more autonomy and privacy and the boundaries between them are more defined. I know you know this. I think this is a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it. It seems a sign it would be much better for you to have your own living space that he can't waltz into as if he owns it - because he doesn't. I think, even though you've been separated for a while, that achieving that would be a very big change to your dynamic and may trigger some more unpleasant behaviour from him. How do you think he'll respond when he can't come in, do kitchen-type things and sit on the sofa watching telly for a while (as I am sure you would not dream of doing in his space)?
I don't think it's sinister. He is just that kind of person. When his brother got a new GF, the first thing he did was look her up on facebook - and make lots of snarky comments about her to me. Even now, when he comes round, he checks out any packages that have come in (the cleaner / nanny tell me). I'm sure it probably triggers an "urgh, she's wasting money again" voice in his head, but frankly, (mostly) I don't give AF.
I've spoken to various people on the topic of right of entry and unfortunately it's a really grey area. He has a right of entry. I have a right to privacy. It all depends on how reasonable he is being. I can go to court and get a court order, but that requires proof that he is threatening. He cannot however, legally look at documents which are not in plain site, which means he cannot look at things which are on my computer, laptop or phone. I can't prove anything though.
He is definitely anxious, but he won't speak to anyone. I know he hasn't because the things he tells me are just plain wrong.
Yes, it would be easier if he couldn't enter. He is here again at the moment. He organised someone to come in and quote on replacing the fence. It just so happened that I am WFH today.
Yes, I researched a bit about right of entry and got some legal advice when I changed the locks on my H last year. My findings match yours: it wasn't legal that I changed the locks, but he had acted in frightening and threatening ways and if he responded to my changing the locks by angrily breaking in (further frightening and threatening me) it would be very easy to get a non molestation order. I told him that. And in the end we came to an accommodation that suited what I needed. None of that applies to you in your situation, of course, but him snooping on your computer in your private documents is obviously unacceptable. Anxious people often get controlling and overstep their boundaries - my H is the same. I know when I've tried to accommodate it, allowing him his control in the hope of soothing his anxiety, it has only made him more controlling. Not giving AF sounds best. It's almost comic to think of him poking about in your parcels as if your amazon purchases are anything to do with him.
I can, and have changed the locks. However, he was legally allowed to break in (he didn't) as long as he made go on any damage. In the end, he just copied D13's keys (he didn't tell me). I figured we could keep going round that loop (I change them, he copies them) or I just accept he will come and go as he pleases. It fails the 'take no sh!t' test, but sometimes, I just want a quiet life.
I do get asked quite a lot if my position would change if I was with someone. I'm not sure - I wouldn't want the kids to meet anyone until I was sure and I wouldn't (out of respect) introduce anyone to the kids without telling him first. So, if I was to start bringing someone home, both he and the kids would know about it before hand anyway. At the moment, I've not reached that point yet and any 'private' life I have I keep separate from my home life. Not just relationships, but everything really.
FS... if you do sell and end up getting your own place, you may want to consider getting a coded lock. I don’t trust that my son won’t lose a key so I have a lock with a key pad on my side door. The kids know the code and can get in no problem and I don’t have to worry about lost keys. Of course, H may try to get the code off of your Ds but I would just tell them to give him a canned response, “mom says I’m not allowed to give you the code and if you ask, I’m supposed to tell you to talk to her first.” I would also ask him to respect the need to keep the kids out of the middle and to not ask them for it. Do you think he would still expect to come and go as he pleases at a new place or is it just because he still co-owns this one with you and he used to live there?
