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This entry really isn't H related. And its not an update on my healing journey. I've had a tough couple of days and needed/wanted to write about it.

I lost my temper Monday night with D13. We got back from Lapland and were in the car I had booked to take us from the airport home. The journey was a long one, made even longer by A LOT of traffic. We were all tired and moody, but D13 particularly so. She was grumpy at her sister, she was snappy with me. When we got to the house, she started talking over me when I was talking to the driver. I asked her to wait, but she kept talking over me so I lost my temper and told her to "shut up". I regretted it as soon as I said it. I have never told her to shut up, in fact have many times told them it was a phrase I hated. To me swear words include telling people to shut up, calling people fat, or calling people stupid. In my head (and in there's) these are phrases/words that should never be used. Which is why it probably hurt her so much.

She went straight up to her room and didn't come down again all night - not even when the pizza she wanted me to order arrived. I had decided the best way to handle these situations is to give her space. So I let her know when the pizza arrived and also, said "I love you" when I went to bed but otherwise left her alone.

In the morning she took her time getting ready (I decided not to pressure or nag) and we ended up 30 minutes late getting out. As we were running so late I was going to drop her off near school instead of at the gates as doing so adds 20 minutes to the journey but she refused to get out of the car. She wanted to be dropped off at school. I decided to drive D10 to school and leave the car in the carpark there. I was going to walk back to the station, and D13 would have to walk to school from there. Again she refused. I stood in the carpark for 20 minutes and eventually left her to take D10 to school. When I got back, she still refused to get out and said she was going to sit in the car all day if she had to. There was other stuff. I hate you. I wish I could live with Daddy. He might not be perfect, but he's better than you. I asked her if she remembered what he was like before he left, and she said "he's not like that anymore. He's changed. Now you're like that". So, called work to tell them I was taking the day off, turned the car around and took her home. I then sat in a coffee shop and cried.

I know that this is all teenager sh!t. I know that she does not love her dad more than me, it is just easier for him. He doesn't have them as much as I do. He can plan things around them. He has the space and time to recharge. They are so use to him being away that when he is not with them they just assume that he is working. When I am not with them they think I am out (H often brings them back to the house to pick up things so they know when I am not home).

To his credit H was understanding over the last few days. I spoke to him today about asking her to tidy her room (it is a tip) and also picking up after herself around the house - when I ask she gets defensive and he seemed to understand.

That doesn't mean he has completely changed. He still gets narky when I say no to something. I just don't let it effect me like it use to. Breath. Look away. And then respond with something 'light'.

He also lied to me tonight about where he was going. It's not a problem and it's not going to keep me up all night trying to work out. I don't know where he goes most of the time as he doesn't tell me. Just strange that when he does tell me he feels the need to lie about it.

Lastly - Lapland was great. I would thoroughly recommend it to any of those out there with young children on this side of the Atlantic.


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FS,

That had to be tough, but none of us are perfect. Almost every day, there's something I do as a parent that I wish I would have done differently. I'm getting better. Live and learn.

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(((FS))). Don’t beat yourself up. As Harvey said... you are human. I wouldn’t worry too much about D13’s declaration of wanting to live with her dad. She was feeling hurt and she figured out the best way to hurt you back. The double standard between mom and dad is maddening, isn’t it? My kids have always been tougher on me than their dad. He’s gotten a lot of free passes over the years for all of his absences. Not sure why. I think kids just naturally have higher expectations for mom than they have for dad. I think you are doing a great job of giving her space but also checking in with her and listening to her...even when you disagree. Her feelings are her feelings but, as we have learned, they are snapshots in time and change often. Hang in there. You will get through this phase. (((HUGS)))

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I had a similar situation in my life the other day FS. I yelled at my own mother to "shut up" very loud and very aggressively. I also agree it is a very hurtful way to shut someone down, and I've never used it in this way before.

Our family was moving a family member to a new space, and moving items in and out of my storage unit. It was cold and dark out and I was lifting an incredibly heavy item through a small door onto the icey driveway into my car. I was trying to concentrate and not hurt myself or the item I was lifting. My mom in her attempt to help was physically in my way, talking over me "can I help? let me get that. Here I'll grab an end". I had already lifted it, so this was in my way and not allowing me the concentration I needed. So I yelled. I immediately (after putting the item down) apologized profusely and hugged her. Told her I had needed a little space, but that I shouldn't have yelled.

It hurts us just as much as it hurts them to realize you did something regrettable and not in character. Forgive yourself. As you said, adults process our friends'/family's mistakes differently than teenagers - thank goodness. So I hope D has had the space she requires and might be open to you talking to her a bit about it.

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Harvey - I guess if anyone knows what having a (nearly) teenage daughter is like it's going to be you. Yep. It's tough. I have to force myself to remember to put aside my own ego. She loves her dad because he is her dad and he loves her. He really does make time for them both. Plus he is the good looking father with the fancy job and the cool car. He is someone her friends can admire. She loves me too. It's just that I have a job no-one really understands and my car isn't as cool and yes, we have an amazing home, but she took that for granted a long time ago. I am also the one that gets her out of bed every day and tells her to clean her room.

DV - I am so glad you are here (though I do wish you'd not found yourself here in the first place). I'm trying not to beat myself up. This is largely just teenager stuff. Rationally I know that. But like I said, it is still hard to put aside my ego. I am trying though. Sometimes I falter. D13 has inherited most of her qualities from her father. The good and the bad. The anxiety stemming from a fear of not being good enough, a fear of being judged. This fear and need to be the best has driven him to great heights. From a lower middle class upbringing to living in the posh part of town. She will go far with those qualities. I just hope, that unlike him, by the time she reaches 40, she learns to accept and love her flaws.

D13 has recovered and we are back to just normal sulkiness with the occasional laughter. She sometimes even initiates conversation. There is no desire to discuss - just sweep under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen. If I broach, then she says "I'm fine". Told you, just like her dad.

Yail - I've always said "shut up" is one of the worst things you could say to someone. Everyone has a right to speak and no-one should take away that right. I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that what they have to say doesn't matter. But, sometimes we don't always walk the walk and I am sorry for that. However, I also taught my children not to interrupt. D@mn, this parenting thing is hard. So much harder when at times I feel like I'm doing it alone and that H gets all the 'good' times because he picks and chooses when he sees them. I have to push those thoughts back and just be grateful that he wants to see them at all.


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Update - H was around yesterday to walk the dog and drop some stuff of for the children during the day. Our nanny was in in the evening as I had a works drink thing. When I came home the christmas lights were up, the christmas decs out and ... the EFFING security camera had been switched back on !!!

Urghh !!!!


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As those that read my thread know, not much happens in my sitch. The rollercoaster has long since slowed down to a gentle, though by no means comfortable hum. There is the occasional unexpected bump, and still no clear line of sight, but angry words are rarely thrown about and for the most part it is just, well, just ok. I recognise that he may. It make the best choices, sometimes those choices come from fear or distrust, but mostly, he is trying to do what he believes is right.

Today is one of those bumps. For the first time in 15 years I am officially unemployed. It’s a long story, but has to do with a legislative change which comes into effect next year which makes it harder for large companies to hire contractors earning high day rates. I’ve secured something for the first quarter next year but that doesn’t start until Jan and is only three months. After that, who knows. But it will be a buyers market and no way I’ll be earning as much. And because bad things come in pairs, our mortgage deal comes up in March, at which point I either try and get a new deal (tying us in for 2 years, go into a higher interest rate, or sell). My H msg today to say we needed to talk re the house saying otherwise I’ll automatically go to the higher rate (I pay the mortgage). I explained my sitch and said that although I don’t want to sell the house, I can’t see any other way around it. He said we’ll discuss after Christmas. I responded that it’s ok - the house is too big for three of us, he simply replied “I understand”.

There is so much quiet and restrained sadness in those words. My H who will rate at the moon over any slight, responds with “I understand”.

There are economic and intellectual reasons for selling. Plus, it would be a clean break instead of this dirty grey area we inhabit, so emotionally, it is the healthy thing to do. But it hurts. For the first time in a long time it is a tangible step closer to being divorced.

Did I handle this right? Should I have asked him what he wanted instead of stating that “I think we’re going to have to sell”? Did I escalate unnecessarily l...

Even after all this time I am still questioning and requestioning.


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Oh FS, that is a big change. I'm so sorry for your change in employment. I hope that in the long run this turns into one of those happy accidents which leads you into a different employment path you just simply can't see yet.

I was glad to hear of your calm and rational thoughts about selling the house. I know so often we get so tied down into wanting one THING and feeling that if we don't have it we won't survive. Living for an image of what we think our life should be, and really fighting the fear of change. Probably the biggest battle a lot of LBSs have, in some ways. Fighting for stagnation in other areas of our life because the one thing we thought we could count on changed, and we fear any other change taking place so we dig our heels in.

I think you did handle it right. It was your honest thought process in the moment and you shared it with him and the reason you had those thoughts. I don't think it was escalation at all, you were sharing with him what your answer would be with the facts you have in hand.

But you wanted to know if there is a chance of the facts changing. I don't think it was wrong to not ask in that moment. But maybe you are feeling a need to know for sure that you are understanding his position and thoughts correctly.

I know you talk a bit about how you're both so stubborn, and have been hurt immensely and neither would take the first step to changing your dynamic. But it might be that time, and I think you're going to have to start it. Taking the step of selling the house without having a real conversation is sweeping everything under the rug, and it sounds like H has been more calm these days. His response seemed to indicate so.

You don't need to sit him down and demand answers, or even put yourself out there 100% right from the start either. I think there are ways to talk to him cautiously. You could start by something like, "The other week when we spoke about selling the house I think you know where I was coming from. I simply can't afford the mortgage on my own, and I have to have a plan. But it wasn't my intent to speak for you, and you have history (and shared financial interest - or no?) with the house as well, so I think it's important you let me know your thoughts on it and the future." Maybe even a "Would you ever see yourself wanting to move back in?" if you feel you need to be explicit.

Maybe he says no, and you find yourselves on a path towards a formal D. That's scary, but also not a new lifestyle for you. So perhaps this is just a step towards clarity, which you have been lacking.

2020 will be an interesting year for you FS. It might have a few trials, but you'll do wonderfully.

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I keep starting to respond to this and I keep getting distracted. hopefully this one makes the cut.

[quote = Yail] Oh FS, that is a big change. I'm so sorry for your change in employment. I hope that in the long run this turns into one of those happy accidents which leads you into a different employment path you just simply can't see yet. [/quote]

It's OK. Something will come up. It may not be as much money and it might be more work. But I have faith. I'm not sure about the house situation. He seems to have shut down about it other than the occasional snide comment about 'how I should have seen this coming', 'should have taken other jobs that were offered this year' and 'I'll need to learn to budget like normal people'. I will see what happens in the new year, hopefully I won't have to sell, but I am Ok if I have to.

Originally Posted by Yail
... Taking the step of selling the house without having a real conversation is sweeping everything under the rug, and


Yep - that seems to be our MO. He periodically throws a bomb in "we need to talk about the house", "we need to discuss the separation", "we need to formalise childcare" then running and not mentioning it again for months. I know his triggers though - anytime I say no to some request or I make a demand - so am more prepared for it these days. And me, well, we get drummed into us so strongly at the start not to have an R conversation, I would not know how to initiate one if I tried. Plus, Im an emotional distancer, so building walls is my go to response when faced with an emotional situation.

Originally Posted by Yail
it sounds like H has been more calm these days. His response seemed to indicate so.


See above re snide comments. These have escalated in recent weeks (due to my unemployment status and the threat to his security).

I wish we could have the conversation you describe above. But things are happening with D13, my current work situation, Christmas and the fact that our mortgage deal is up in a few months are making things very tense. The bottled up anger inside him is slowly rising just waiting for an outlet.

I'm scared Yail. Things are coming to a head and I don't know if I trust where it is going. Neither of us are in the right place. He is scared because this comfy little arrangement we have where he gets to have his cake and eat it too is ending and I, well I am scared that this comfy little arrangement where I get to have my cake and eat it too is ending. Scared people say and do stupid things. We listen to the little voice in our head saying attack before s/he hurts you.

Last edited by FlySolo; 12/19/19 08:41 PM.

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So, not proud of myself today.

For the first time, well, ever, I asked him to leave today. It was over D13. She had another incident the other night and hasn't spoken to me since. He said that I need to sort it out because it is becoming a joke. That I needed to fix things with her. I tried to explain that I was giving her space, and he responded reasonably that space wasn't what she needed, she needs to know that her mom loves her. He was making total sense, but just the tone and the accusation (perceived or otherwise) that this is all my fault, triggered the shut down response from me and I went into auto pilot mode - the overly detached, unmoving version of me. He called me selfish and unloving to which I responded "Well, you've made it clear you see me as the babysitter so what else do you expect" and turned my back on him, he kept talking so I spoke over him and said "See you later". I repeated it each time he went to say something until he left.

I know, childish, completely unnecessary and more than a little bit undignified. I just cannot talk to him without getting myself would up. And what he was saying was the right thing - even though he said it in his usual judgemental "you are sh!t at everything" way.

Tomorrow is another day. Chin up.


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