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A Message from Michele
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Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: ovrrnbw] #2861251
08/13/19 07:25 PM
08/13/19 07:25 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw

Originally Posted by firemann
I asked her again if she really wanted to divorce and she said 100% without a doubt.


You probably don't see it yet, but this creates so much pressure on her. 99% of the time they are going to say what she said. Now that you know this, you can learn from it. Michele states to do what works. If you don't know what works, then don't do what doesn't work. So, for now at least, doing nothing will often be better than anything else. If you find yourself emotionally strained, give her a response at a different time by saying "Let me think about that".

Now read those links, other situations here, and ask questions. Good luck.


THIS!!

Not only that but you are reminding her of how sure she really is. That works against what you want.

I told another poster last week: WASs do not give up on their decision easily......especially verbally! Even if she is having second thoughts she isn't going to admit that to you. BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS, and only half of what she does.


M(50), W(51),D(15)
M-20, T-22 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861254
08/13/19 07:50 PM
08/13/19 07:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 24
North Carolina
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firemann Offline OP
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This is great info.

What's the detachment key to stop worry about what (or who) she might be doin' this weekend away???

Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861256
08/13/19 08:20 PM
08/13/19 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by firemann
This is great info.

What's the detachment key to stop worry about what (or who) she might be doin' this weekend away???


If you love her, set her free.

You can not control other people.

GAL. Stay busy doing things. Do things you like doing. Do things you want to do do.


Any time you catch yourself thinking about things you don't want to, visualize a stop sign. tell yourself to stop. Your mind is your enemy right now. Do not let your thoughts control you. Control your thoughts.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861257
08/13/19 08:29 PM
08/13/19 08:29 PM
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I highly recommend reading this thread and all the threads the first post links to:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


You need to catch up and pass your W in all the steps of this process. If you read enough here, everything she will do and say will be predictable and you will be prepared with your best response.


Most here do not make the required changes fast enough. Your goal is to be the most attractive you you can be. If W likes what she sees, she MAY have a change of heart.


Focus on your personal growth, Alpha male up, understand how to seduce a woman, and be happy during this whole processes.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861260
08/13/19 08:43 PM
08/13/19 08:43 PM
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Originally Posted by firemann
This is great info.

What's the detachment key to stop worry about what (or who) she might be doin' this weekend away???


I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but for me the key to finally being free of all the worry was to assume the worst. She's probably having an A, the signs point to it, so you can either expend a ton of energy and mental health trying to figure it out if it's happening and where and how often and with who, or you can assume the worst and decide for yourself what that means to you. My XW had an OM and I didn't know (and in fact to this day still don't know) how far it went, but once I started assuming the worst then I quit worrying about it and got about the business of detaching and letting go. It worked really well for me. Because when it comes down to it, they ALL engage in some type of affair even if it's imaginary. ALL affairs mean the same thing- they are DONE. And that's the message the LBS has to learn and understand before they can finally let go. And paradoxically, before their M has a chance to turn around.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861261
08/13/19 08:47 PM
08/13/19 08:47 PM
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Posts: 24
North Carolina
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firemann Offline OP
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^ That thread is pure GOLD!!!! Thanks, Ready2Change!

Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861263
08/13/19 08:53 PM
08/13/19 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by firemann
^ That thread is pure GOLD!!!! Thanks, Ready2Change!

Just read and absorb. Take notes. Copy and past things into a word document for future reference. Organize into catagories. Start now, otherwise it is hard to find things later.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861474
08/15/19 01:57 PM
08/15/19 01:57 PM
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North Carolina
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firemann Offline OP
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Journaling -

She is going away this weekend and won't tell me where. I am friends with the ex husband of one of the girls joing my ex this weekend. He claims she slept with 5 guys over 3 weekends when they split up, so I have this latent fear my ex is going to do the same this weekend.

I can't control her. She said she wanted to divorce now 2x. I need to let her go.

I haven't talked to her minus answering an email my son's scheduling info for the weekend. I replied 'Message Received'. I'm doing great avoiding alcohol. Had a physical done this morning and asked for an STD panel in my bloodwork.

I just miss her so much. I wish we could somehow just make this work. I go through periods of such strength but then crushing disappointment. I wanted to have a 50th wedding anniversary someday.

I am starting to realize this marriage is over and that I wasn't the sole cause of it's failure, despite her beating that into my head the last 8 months. I am excited to have time with my kids this weekend!

Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861489
08/15/19 03:52 PM
08/15/19 03:52 PM
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Don't ask her where she is or what she is doing. Go do your GAL and let her wonder about you instead.

Don't worry about the stuff you cannot control, it will only drive you nuts firemann.

I know that pain. I know how you want to make it work. I'm sorry you're hurting. Think about the pain for a few minutes, then jump and go do something fun. The ups and downs are part of this process, so be aware of that.

Keep a positive mental attitude at all times and go make your life amazing!


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Separated and facing divorce [Re: firemann] #2861833
08/18/19 09:21 PM
08/18/19 09:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 24
North Carolina
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firemann Offline OP
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Journal -

Had a great weekend with my kids. Took them to dinner Friday and ran them to their friends houses as desired. i also took them school shopping as their mom told them finances were tight and she'd have to scale back. I didn't let her know I took them shopping and remain in no contact. Made 2 dishes to take for lunch this week and ran 3 miles daily since my last post. I had 2 beers while running errands at a local pub, but that's a huge reduction for me! Got a ton of stuff done around the house as well and am going to a friends for dinner tonight.

Saturday I transferred the remaining monthly house bills to myself. I scheduled an email to be sent to her at 5am today saying as such. I did this because i didn't want to hear her yap complaining this task was late. She replied eventually saying thanks.

The wife did stop her car outside my house this afternoon, as i was leaving with the dog to go on a run. I faked a cell phone call and u-turned back inside the house until the coast was clear. I dont feel strong enough not to get suckered into a R discussion.

I miss her a lot at the weirdest times. I feel like we are both in no contact now with each other. I did wonder who she was with a lot.

This morning, I spent a lot of time reading the threads in Cadet's welcome message. I learned a ton from the veterans, especially sandi2. GAL, stopping the chase and moving on is how I roll!

I'm going to sign up for a co ed softball team that plays on Tues nights.

Last edited by firemann; 08/18/19 09:24 PM.
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