Yes LH, I am suspicious as well. I still don’t think she even knows what she wants.
IHC those are some great points. Truely I have no idea about her OP. Around time of BD I saw red flags but found no concrete evidence. I found DB very quickly and stopped snooping. So I really have no clue. I did see her out and I also saw her old hookup from years ago. They weren’t near each other but I found it far too coincidental.
As for hypergamy, although biased I think I’m hard to beat lol. Very physically fit, well paying job, very socially inclined. Dated around 20 girls since W moved out with many of them intending to be more serious than I was lol. I do admit I had really started to neglect W over the past year. So it’s very possible someone who is far inferior to me told her some kind words that gave her the attention she was craving. But yes I have no clue if her fantasy is failing. She did mention to me a week ago, that her mom was really bothering her and she was finding it difficult to live with her. She works a low paying job in an expensive area. I am starting to think the fantasy is ending.
I am in a strange mindset. I don’t trust her and I am really enjoying life as it is now. Her response to my divorce is due within the next week. Is this all a stalling method by her, or does she actually fear that she has lost me. Only time will tell. I think I will observe her actions as much as I can from a distance. Otherwise I will proceed with the D as was planned.
Life’s good. In a good place. Just hoping to get some answers. W has expressed to me that she wants to reconnect. I just don’t know how much I buy into this.
I do think that my filing has some what made her realize she will lose me. Since I filed there has been a large increase in texts, phone calls and requests to spend time together: with and without our son.
She has requested counseling and said that we should have been doing counseling this whole time. She has admitted guilt that moving out was the wrong choice and that denying my request for counseling was the wrong choice.
She intends on quitting her job soon, where her new group of party friends/enablers work.
I feel that these are all good signs but I am very very skeptical on how serious she is on this matter. When she has inquired about the divorce, I have held my ground that I will not live in an open marriage and that D is the right choice if we are not actively working on the M.
For me to consider taking her back I believe that I have a pretty specific list on what I am looking for out of her actions: no late night partying and drinking, remorse (which she has shown) and admittance that her decision was wrong (which she has some what admitted) I am also looking for positive changes in her, which I am still observing. She was heavily codependent on me during our previous R, and things would need to be different. She has developed a group of girlfriends which is a positive when considering codependency but I am unsure if they will be a positive influence on her. Some of the friend are definitely enablers but some are wholesome people so if she were to only spend time with the positive influences I would be happy.
The advice I am hoping to receive: how do I handle this? Do I treat it like a new relationship and accept her invitation to go on dates? Do I stop the LRT and start building a friendship again? Do I continue with LRT and push the D through?
My current position is that I don’t want to jump right in. If anything I would want small amounts of contact in person so I can gauge her seriousness on reconnecting.
I am very pro family and think that my son deserves to have his parents together but only if it could be a happy, growing relationship. And as done with the BS as I was, I would hate to deny an actually attempt at R on her part as my morals have been focused on fixing a relationship as opposed to giving up, that’s why I am here obviously. I admit I was not equipped with the skills to handle and work on a long term relationship. I would like to think that I am now and have learned many of the skills required.
Well H you know her words don't mean jack $hit so it's all about actions. The first action that she could take is to get into IC. You know how I feel without serious work on her end you will most likely end up back here at some point. If she jumped ship after year 1 of marriage wait until 15 years from now when things really get stressful. As for remorse on her part, I doubt it, she's just doesn't like that you are taking control of the situation and she wants the control back. I'm sure you have Intel that confirm she's still partying and stepping outside the marriage.
Again these posts confirm you weren't ready for divorce and were looking for a reaction.
Hallzy - you seem like you are in a really good place emotionally. I don't have any advice but I'm glad to hear there may be some sunlight in your situation. Take things slow and make sure she makes the changes. I agree with LH -IC should be mandatory on her end.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Hey H, you don´t need to rush. Take your time, set some boundaries and wait for actions. I´m a dark side survivor, I believe that a MR deserves a second chance more when you have a son. But work must be done. From both of you.
Read some about piecing.
Actions, hope, DB
Stay strong there H!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Just like the others said. Remain skeptical and at a distance. It sounds like she said and promised so many things that it's not very realistic for them all to happen quickly. True change takes time. Think about Sandi's rules -- she is doing the "begging and pleading" that so many of us do when we are first BD'ed. Now it is in reverse.
IC for her would be the first step. I wouldn't even consider going to MC until she starts going to IC for awhile first.
Yeah I’m absolutely trying to take this slow. Right I need to focus on her actions. So far we haven’t had a serious R talk about expectations for R. I don’t really know when the time for that would be, but I am trying to gauge where she is right now and if the fog is lifting. I imagine that when we have this talk would be the time to ask her to go to IC.
For now I’m focused on spending a little more time with her and just talking and seeing how I feel.
About a week ago, after she spoke of wanting to work on things, we went on a date. It went well and conversation was smooth. She asked if we could stop at my house after and we had S*x. Lots of making out. Even when we were at the restaurant.
Since then she has texted every day asking about my day and talking about other things. She has requested another date next week as well as a family dinner on a separate day with our S. Not sure what the process is now. She has also called me a couple times just to talk. She regularly sends me pictures of herself. She has even sent a s*xy picture.
After the last date she disclosed to me how she is struggling with depression. Could be post partum but I’m not sure.
She also mentioned a couple of times moving back in with me but it was said as we were joking around so I’m not sure the seriousness of the comment, as well as I know we are not currently in a place where that would be a good idea haha.
I’ve been reading some of the piecing threads and the general consensus is that this takes time for both parties. That there is no rush and to just take things slowly. There has been no disrespect from her. She has been pleasant toward me and seems to be interested in me. The partying seems to have stopped or decreased. The past few nights she hasnt had S, she texted and sent me pictures most of the night.
Obviously she will still go out with her friends which I don’t have a problem with unless it is irresponsible binge drinking till 2am. I know I shouldn’t believe what she says, but she told me that she hasn’t been out drinking excessively lately as well as saying that she never drinks on weekdays.
Sorry kind of rambling here but just wondering if I should be accepting these invites, obviously I will decline if I have prior plans. I tried rereading DR but was a little confused about which advise would apply to my current sitch.
Hey hey, so I received her response to my filing papers yesterday. Nothing crazy on it and 50/50 custody. She texted me asking that in the next few days we go out to dinner and “talk about things” IE talk about working on it.
Lol I guess progress is being made considering 5 months ago she was “done” but there is still a lot of work to be done.
What I’m really hoping for advice on, is how I should approach this R working on it discussion. I want her in IC and if that works out I want MC down the road. I don’t know a numerical timeline for this. I would also like to go on a date once a week without son. Full transparency would be good too, I’ve never been an insecure snooping guy but I’d like to know that if I wanted to look I could.
After I got her response we talked a bit, she said that she really wished we would have talked about it before the deadline. I’ve noticed a change in her wording lately. A few months ago all blame was on me: “you did this, you didn’t do that”. Recently it seems to have shifted to “we should have” or even “I should or shouldn’t have done so and so”. I feel this is a good sign and she seems to be caring of my feelings which was the polar opposite during BD.
I know it’s the weekend and everyone is busy but if someone could drop some quick advice on how to manage the upcoming R talk it would be really appreciated! Thanks all
You have to set your boundaries and some of your expectations. The beginning of recon will be all this passion and out of nowhere/boom then the real work will start. All the questions and doubts will form. You will go up and down, round and round. I'm just preparing you for what will come.
IMO, the R conversation needs to be light and direct. Don't make it too heavy. Recon will talk a while, and both of you will have plenty of time to get into heavy convo.
Problems won't be solved with this talk, but some important information can be presented. You need to inform her of the things you will and won't tolerate and the things you can and cannot live with.
I would write them down and rehearsed them so you can tell her in a clear and concise way and you can know exactly what you want.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
