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typo - indifference
dang auto-incorrect strikes again


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Adios Offline OP
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lol,,, got it. I should have known 😂

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DnJ,

Where have yout threads go?

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Good Morning Adios

Originally Posted by Adios
I find this aggravation falls outside of forgiveness somehow. My forgiveness is still intact but my desire to know him anymore is gone. I will stop watching and cheering (or booing).

That is perfectly normal. As indifference unrolls and emotions return, feelings of aggravation (and others) will well up. Feelings are fleeting. Aggravation will flit when it is not reinforced. Forgiveness being anchored within one’s beliefs is not so fleeting.

I found it so interesting the simultaneous paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual - and each of their influence upon the others.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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My thread title is so out of date. I am now closing in on 6 years of his MLC. There is no more pain thankfully, but there is a lot of sadness and I suspect there always will be some. It’s not a sadness that drives my life in any meaningful way. I’m generally not aware of the sadness either until my mind revisits the years we had together, before MLC. The sadness is all about everything I lost,,, my marriage, my best friend, our home, many friends, total emotional security, my confidence,,,, for starters. His MLC did a real number on me. The consequences to me were staggering, mind boggling, even hideous. Just horrible. It’s not surprising that I still reel at times from the memory or that I am left with this sadness.

Most days I think I am fully healed. I go days without giving him a thought, I don’t miss him, I don’t want him back, my life is peaceful, happy and content. I have everything I need and most of what I want. I’m pretty sure I don’t want him back but then there is a small part of me that wonders if it would be possible to recover all that was lost. Could we actually reconcile one day? Then my mind shuts that thought down. Then it resurfaces again later on. I actually purchased two books at separate times related to marriage and reconciliation. Then when I cracked the books I found I just couldn’t continue. Both books went in the garbage. Reconciliation is definitely not for me. My mind recoils at the thought of reconciling. Then on some level of consciousness (or not), I review all the reasons why I do not ever want to reconcile. I’ve done this dozens of times over the years and I see it as some kind of ongoing processing of trauma and grief or remnants of it. I have mostly healed but not entirely or this processing would be done. Maybe when it is fully done the sadness will be gone.

My mother passed away 6 years ago, a few weeks before BD. There was a lot to do in the days following her death. It distracted me from my grief but when the dust finally settled I was able to feel her loss. Then the unthinkable happened. BD out of nowhere. That completely derailed grieving for my mother and became a nightmare of survival on levels I didn’t even know existed. I was no longer able to grieve for my mother,,,, until now. Close to 6 years after her death. Now that I have mostly recovered from my trauma, the grief I have suppressed for years has surfaced. My thoughts are frequently on her,,, my mother,, and I’m feeling her loss in full. I’m actually grateful for this time to grieve. It was unfair to her that I didn’t/couldn’t grieve until now. She deserved to be the centre of my thoughts after her death, and I needed to honour her memory properly. Instead my mind was obsessed with my own misery apart from her death. I think it’s a sign of my own recovery that I am finally grieving her.

What’s my MLCer doing these days? I don’t know and don’t much care. If he got run down by a bus tomorrow I would feel the same sadness and horror that his friends and family would feel but nothing more. Over the years he has remained in regular contact, almost entirely initiated by him. We have gone out for dinner or lunch a several times over the last year. Always at his initiative and it’s alway a pleasant time but not special either. He always has some reason to get together,,,to talk about something or another. It’s never just because he wants to spend time with me. Never. Despite my lack of interest I find this offensive somehow. That he just has to come up with some reason to get together. I suspect he does want to just spend time with me because the reasons are so flimsy and takes minutes and could easily be done on the phone or by email. I accept the invites not because I want to see him but because I’m a bit curious. I’ve observed changes in him over the years,,his slow progression through MLC and I do think one day he will finish his MLC. I’ll be happy to see him finally make it through and back to planet earth. But it won’t change my lack of interest in reconciling. That ship has truly sailed. I think that the sailing of this ship is the source of much of my sadness. That we didn’t survive this storm despite how good our marriage was and how much we loved each other. It is by far the sadness event in my life so I suppose it’s to be expected that I still feel it.

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If you want to change your thread title, I will be happy to do it for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks but it’s not a big deal so I’ll leave it.

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Good Morning Adios

It is good to hear from you.

You and I have a similar timeline with our situations. I empathize with what you say. Yes, there is a sadness, a missing of what once was. Like you say, not a sorrow, just a memory-induced feeling.

I find such fleeting feelings do not detract from my acceptance or forgiveness. In fact, they kind of reinforce it. My three decade relationship ended in a horrific manner as well. The odd moment of sadness from the memory of the plentiful happy wed times is understandable.

To me, acceptance is emotional understanding. We find peace and understanding of our loss and our emotions. Peace and understanding is not numb or heartless or unfeeling, it allows one to feel and love. And sadness is just one of the expressions of such; just wee slice of our time, the vast majority of our days being fulfilled with other facets of our lives.

My MLCer has remained radio silent. She was much the vanisher type. Her and I recently spoke at my son’s wedding, the first conversation in four years. It was interesting to see how much she knew about me and my life. Somehow managing to keep tabs on things. Of course, her and OM are basically my neighbour. And she slyly added she has her sources. Lol.

I understand how processing your mother’s passing would have gotten deferred. One only has so much bandwidth, and the events of your H and situation were front and center. I agree, you are well healed and grieving your Mom is a sign of much recovery. (((Hugs)))

Hope you have a great weekend.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thank you DNJ. I do like reading your replies when I post. You said this:

“,,, acceptance is emotional understanding. We find peace and understanding of our loss and our emotions. Peace and understanding is not numb or heartless or unfeeling, it allows one to feel and love. And sadness is just one of the expressions of such; just wee slice of our time, the vast majority of our days being fulfilled with other facets of our lives.”

Oh wow, yes! You put to words some vague thoughts I’ve been having along these lines. I’ve felt numb at times and it was a huge help to shield me from the worst of the hell I was in. Now that the numbness has been replaced by sadness,,,, well I’ll the take sadness over numbness. I finally found peace and acceptance through sadness but I doubt I ever would have if I had remained numb. The sadness is really a gift that brought me to the final stage of healing. I imagine over time it lessens but if it doesn’t I’m fine,,, I can handle it now.

A few days ago, my H once again invited me out for a quick lunch and to talk about nothing that really matters. I think this will be the last time I will agree to meet him. I don’t know what these meetings are doing for him but for the first time I see with crystal clear clarity that they do absolutely nothing for me. We have zip in common. Is it me that’s changed so much or has he been frozen in time? Or regressed? He engages in shallow conversation but then doesn’t listen or hear much of what I say. Then minutes later he will ask a question about something I said as if it’s a brand new topic. I can’t handle these shallow conversations or his poor listening now that I feel nothing for him. The interesting thing is that he wasn’t so different in this respect before MLC and it was okay with me. Now it is not. I think that means I have changed in big ways and for the better. Maybe this is the silver lining?

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Its good to take off the rose colored glasses.

Things will look clearer without them


Me-70, D37,S36
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