Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 128
Likes: 4
A
Adios Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 128
Likes: 4
I feel gut punched,,,again.

I have been clearing out stuff that we accumulated over 20 odd years. From the basement and garage. Throwing out some, setting aside others for a yard sale, and keeping some,

It has been a heartbreaking task - dismantling our lives. Ive done it alone. No help from him - none. Hes too busy enjoying the summer and visiting OW.

He swore he wasnt going anywhere for the entire month of August so he could help clear out stuff and get the house ready for sale. That was a lie. Hes visiting her now for another week or more. He doesnt know I know. . I have taken days off from work to get this done and the house up for sale for Labor Day. Hes taken days off from work to visit her.

The last time I saw him last week, he dropped something off and before he left I suggested he have a look at the items I set aside for the yard sale in case there is something there he doesnt want sold. His reply? Yeah,,,I dont care and then he left without a glance. He was in a hurry to get ready for his OW visit.

This is how little our life meant to him. I dont care. My reaction? I want nothing to do with him. I want him out of my life entirely. I regret that there is still business to deal with before I can do that.

How heartless and insensitive can these jerks get?


Last edited by Adios; 08/17/19 01:17 PM.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Adios,

When they are in the throes of MLC/depression, they do not care about "stuff". They are running from their past and yes, unfortunately, we are now part of that past. They are looking for something that will soothe the emotional pain that they are feeling.

Yes, they will say that they will do such and such and then do not follow through. Typical MLC behavior. Sometimes they forget, something else comes up that is more fun and interesting or they just don't want to face the task. Whatever the reason, you need to keep your expectations at zero at all times. If you don't, you will set yourself up for anger, disappointment, frustration and just plain disgust.

Right now, he doesn't care about the "stuff". But I can promise you this....at some point, when he has a few moments of clarity, he will ask for things that he told you he didn't care about. Don't worry about it...you asked and now you can determine what to keep and what not to keep. Do what you need to do to get the house ready for sale. Do not wait on him to assist you in any way.

Keep the focus on you and what you need to move forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 128
Likes: 4
A
Adios Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 128
Likes: 4
Thanks for the comments - they are helpful!

The biggest thing I struggle with is WHY,,, the OW is necessary for so many of our spouses.

I have heard the AP's are often inferior in character and often have disordered personalities.

My H describes his OW to people as 'beautiful' and is always asking people what they think of her. My adult children tell me she looks old and mousey,,, not beautiful. Beer mug (nose always curled up like she is smelling something rotten). Weird mannerisms. Selfish person who doesn't treat people all that well.

What is going on in our spouses head that they see these people as 'beautiful' and think everyone else does too when no one else sees anything beautiful?

I really hope one day he has a revelation and sees her as she is - not beautiful,,, inside or out.... but just nasty.

I just don't get it - why they go for these low life women when one day they will be appalled at their choices to toss everything for them.

Then,,, why,,,, can I not let this part of it go? I've read the advise to focus on me and let him and they be, over and over again. Hearing about the advice, believing the advice has value, is not all there is to it. How do I actually put the advice into practice? I am fixated on the 'why her' part of his crisis. How do I stop? !!

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
A large majority of the people that our spouse hook up w/are beneath their normal standards. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so they say. To our spouses, these people do not know their history and are willing to believe anything that they are told. Our spouses want fun, freedom and the ability to come and go as they so please. They are reliving their youth and yes, telling these people all of their thoughts and feelings. The OP is there listening and validating everything they say and they actually believe what our spouses tell them. The OP is nothing more than a band aid and hopefully at some point, the OP will tip their hand and our spouses will see all of the warts and imperfections...but it takes lots and lots of time for this to happen.

We all become fixated on the OP because we are trying to figure out what they had that we didn't. They are nothing. We had and spent the best years of our lives w/our spouses. These OP get the used up part. Trust me, many of them can spot a MLCer a mile away and figure that they will enjoy the ride of the MLCer's spending and having a good time until the money has run out.

Right now, you are very new to the crisis and it's going to take time to settle down and come to realize that you are the prize and your spouse is the fool in all of this because he sees something that no one else sees. Every time you think about that ow, find something else to do. She can't compare to you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
We are fixated because we have to work through it
it hurts but we travel down the path through denial, anger, bargaining, depression into acceptance
its hard work

Recognize that dealing with the oW is difficult..it really is /was for all of us
They pick affair partners with issues...they all seem to
who else would go with a M man

MY XH picked a 28 year old drug addict, she was not attractive, when I saw a picture of her rather repulsive
he M her --they left the area together-he gave up everything for this fantasy life
a business, home and his blood family and kids
he was a normal guy sober,hard worker and dedicated dad until age 40

His last message to me maybe 2 years back was he messed up and He wanted this old friend to call him/help him--and that happened -I arranged the friend to call

he then told this old family friend that he needed out of his current M and was terribly unhappy...he was also drinking and the friend let him go--he was too difficult to try to help-
I also heard they divorced and Im not sure if they got back together-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 128
Likes: 4
A
Adios Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 128
Likes: 4
It’s been awhile. Quick update. H still in LDR. What the heck! I thought MLC affairs as well as LDR’s don’t last but they are in the 5th year now. There have been frequent anchor checks but no touch and goes. Is this man ever going to turn back my way? At this point I’m good if he doesn’t. Just wondering if they return after such a long time with no false returns and no touch and goes. Affair is weird and a bit unstable but who can argue with 4+ years?

Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
my ex married his OW. course it took ... lemme think, almost 6 years, and he referred to it as "caving" when he informed our son.

I dunno Adios. Some do come back, and it's then up to the LBS to call the shots about piecing or not. Some never come back. Some I guess stay in limbo for a while.

The most important thing is for you to move forward with your life, regardless of what he does. How is that going?

xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,644
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,644
Likes: 472
Hello Adios

My XW and her OM are still living together after 4+ years.

Affairs are built upon a foundation of sand. These illicit relationships require enormous energies to maintain, for sand is a terrible ground for which to build if one desires long lasting. The underpinnings of that relationship slip and slide, and will poorly weather the storms of life. Consider from which it was crafted - lies, deceit, cheating, adultery, and such; hardly the stuff of a healthy strong respectful relationship.

Sand crumbles. The foundation can only hold a structure that is of a certain size. The adulterer and the affair partner are emotionally less than idea folks; usually quite broken. Their fantasy of a relationship may have lofty dreams and heights, and falls flat. They continuously scoop up the pieces and pack them together again. Eventually, this effort becomes not enough.

A few different paths can be taken:

One may grow and realize their lustful wayward ways and leave. Usually, this requires much drama, arguing, blaming, and so on. One needs to get fed up enough to actually leave. Yeah, I know, it’s not emotionally healthy; realize they’ve only grown a little at this point and require a self-induce shove to actual leave. If that person is our spouse/ex they might start walking a better path. If the affair partner kicked them out, then another affair partner is usually sought.

Both may just get tired. Affairs are emotionally poor choices. Each is using the other. One or two families are broken during the creation of this relationship. Ignoring such obvious truth takes considerable energies; part of that relationship maintenance I spoke of. People wear down. The shinny new exciting boink-fest becomes emotionally drab and distant. The obvious truth no longer capable to be hidden behind infatuation. Depending upon their age (and abilities to cope and heal): Younger one’s breakup and have another affair/running. Older folks wind up giving up and existing as a somewhat couple. Usually quite a sad couple; our once spouse winding away their remaining years haunted by memories of what once was and what could have been.

Remember many of these cheaters also get mixed up in other behaviours like spending, drinking, drugs, and other youthful-feeling-inducing activities (often illicit) to take the focus off their pain. The affair is just such a distraction. It is a symptom, which means little. And for those who continue to live such a life based in such little meaningful purpose, they do suffer.

At any time, a person could, and can, decide to live better. However, that requires a wanting and willingness to change. Suffering and hitting rock bottom is usually required for one to make such a life altering decision. The modern age is far too easy to distract one’s self from their suffering which does seem to prolong the process of self awareness. And can even stall it indefinitely.

Four years is quite a long time, and isn’t. For you, me, and other healthy rational folks, yes four years of a relationship is a pretty good indicator of relationship health. For those in emotional turmoil, not so much.

Most are simply not capable of the requisite emotional growth to form a healthy long lasting relationship. And to have both AP and our once spouse be capable of such growth at a similar time is quite rare. Not unheard of, just very rare. Hence, the tired sad couple outcome.

Less rare is an actual awakening. When such might happen is anyone’s guess. And people, especially MLCers, are a very chaotic system. There is a general pattern and probability of awakening, which does trend downward after a certain time. When/if one would awaken, and what they will do, only God knows for sure.

As a LBS, we live and love our life. Follow our beliefs and values. And give them to God.

Have a wonderful day.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
1 member likes this: Taz
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 128
Likes: 4
A
Adios Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 128
Likes: 4
Buttrfly, DNJ,,,thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m not surprised Buttrfly that your H married his OW. I would be surprised if it was a happy union however. I think this is the path my H and his OW will take too,,,, they will marry eventually and one of them will have to leave their location and move to the partners location. I’m sure that will be my H. He has been the one to sacrifice everything for this relationship with a single OW. I expect this will happen pretty quick now. It’s too far to drive to see each other and now you need a vaccine to get on a plane. Both my H and his OW are anti-vaxxers in the extreme. So my guess is my H will quit his job and drive out there with his stuff to start a living together life with her. Either that or it’s all over for that relationship unless they get vaxxed and I don’t see that happening either.

DNJ,,, thanks for reminding me how broken these relationships are. It’s easy to think it’s all wonderful in their fantasy life. I would hate if it was all wonderful. I do know it’s not though and have known for a couple of years but still,,, the relationship carries on. How? What is the glue that keeps them together? I M passed the stage of wanting a restoration of my marriage. I know it would never work despite the fact that I would LOVE to hear my H says he regrets what he did. Why is that important to me, I wonder? I don’t want a restoration but I want to hear him say ‘I messed up’.

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,644
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,644
Likes: 472
Good Morning Adios

They do give up, throw away, everything for that fantasy. That’s a huge cost; and shame, guilt, and so on; to walk back.

Originally Posted by Adios
It’s easy to think it’s all wonderful in their fantasy life. I would hate if it was all wonderful. I do know it’s not though and have known for a couple of years but still,,, the relationship carries on. How? What is the glue that keeps them together?

It’s more a glue that prevents them from leaving.

They are stuck and entrapped, in an unhealthy relationship.

Originally Posted by Adios
…I would LOVE to hear my H says he regrets what he did. Why is that important to me, I wonder? I don’t want a restoration but I want to hear him say ‘I messed up’.

Because, “I would hate if it was all wonderful.”

It is difficult to let go of ego. That need to be right. To be validated. Vindicated.

Hearing H admit his regrets is important to you because you make it important. Not in a manner that holds you back or anything, just a validation.

It’s also part of binary logical thinking. Right and wrong. Good and bad. True or false. We incorrectly conclude, if H is right then I must be wrong. Or for me to be right, he has to be wrong. Nope. Neither is correct.

Each view can be independently viewed on its own for rightness, which is dependent upon the one deciding. I’ve found a pretty good viewpoint is that there are multiple truths. We all hold a certain view/truth of things, and that doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s view/truth or make it false.

If you notice, right and wrong, became true and false. Using right and wrong gets it mixed up with morality. All I’m referring to is the truth of a person’s viewpoint, and that is always through their own lens. Very few people are the villain of their own story.

A question. Have you forgiven H?

Forgiveness and acceptance are closely tied. Forgiving requires letting go of our need for vengeance and grudges and such.

Acceptance can be a “fine it’s over” kind of a thing. Or a more compassionate understanding forgiving path. Curious where you find yourself currently.

Hope you have a great day.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Page 3 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard