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Originally Posted by LB55
Not sure how to give more time and space. In the past 2 months We have maybe exchanged 4 text messages that say 'on my way' and 'ok' to coordinate picking up the kids. She sends me forwarded emails about PTSA functions at school in response to me asking to be more involved in what is happening day to day with the kids. That is the extent of our communication. I've been trying to be as dark as possible given we have kids.

I am working my GAL, most days I leave for work at 0430, get home between 5-8pm, have my GAL night with guys Monday night, football referee Friday night and Saturdays, church on sundays, etc. Trying to stay busy but am really feeling run down and exhausted at the same time.


You're definitely doing well on these counts, I was just repeating the standard DB mantra as a reminder smile

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A lot of my personal stress in my life is just from the uncertainty. I'd way rather just be divorced and have things settled financially and stuff.


I get it, I completely get it! That's exactly what leads a lot of LBS's to eventually push for D themselves. That's exactly why I did, I dreaded the fallout from the D settlement but at the same time I wanted it finalized so I could go about the business of getting my future life squared away. I mean I had to finance the house all over again after it had already been paid off and take on a new note for 15 years. BUT... at least I knew what the number was and could budget it and start working on paying it down. And for me, that was far better than continuing on in a weird limbo of being technically married, but not really married. I had CONTROL again, and having full control over your life does bring a sense of relief and normalcy after all the post-BD confusion.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by LB55
So question for the group. Kids just told me mom is dating someone and they hang out as a ‘family’. I’ve never met this person. I feel that I should know who my kids are getting introduced to as romantic partners.

W has done nothing to pursue divorce.

Jesus H Christ. I'd remind your kids of the rules of marriage and family. This is an intruder.

Originally Posted by Vapo
For all intents and purposes you are divorced. You just don't have a paper that says so. Yet. You have to let go of your desire to know who your wife is dating. It could be that it is some kind of a weirdo, but the chances of that are very slim. Most likely you just want to meet the guy to see what he has and you don't because your W replaced you with him. It's not you, it's her.

Don't you go on "feeling" her pain. It is HER pain, not your. Do what is best for you, protect yourself and protect the kids.

Stay strong buddy...


I just disagree with the first sentence. What about the intent of getting things wrapped up legally? I doubt LB and Mrs. LB jumped into marriage quickly, or told people they were married for all intents and purposes when they were just dating or engaged. You don't get out of a marriage with the snap of your fingers because you spoke a few words that would be a relationship breakup outside of marriage.

I think we perpetuate a false narrative when we validated a WS's feelings that the marriage is over. You can "feel like" it's over but that goes against reality. You aren't on "home base" simply because you BD'd your spouse.

The rest of your post I like.

Originally Posted by LB55
I do not care that she is seeing someone nearly as much as I care that the kids are using the word stepdad.

Stepdad? Seriously? Again, I'd educate the kids on marriage and the rules of it. Your W may not believe in them but you kids should.

Everyone feel free to help me if I'm missing something.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I just disagree with the first sentence. What about the intent of getting things wrapped up legally? I doubt LB and Mrs. LB jumped into marriage quickly, or told people they were married for all intents and purposes when they were just dating or engaged. You don't get out of a marriage with the snap of your fingers because you spoke a few words that would be a relationship breakup outside of marriage.

I think we perpetuate a false narrative when we validated a WS's feelings that the marriage is over. You can "feel like" it's over but that goes against reality. You aren't on "home base" simply because you BD'd your spouse.


I don't want to speak for Vapo but what I tried to get into a bit in my previous post was that the WAS's "perception" is that the M is over at BD. They've been thinking about it a long time, and BD is all about them officially pulling the plug and considering it over and done. This is where a massive perception schism forms, as follows:

WAS: the marriage is over, I am free to do as I please and it is none of my spouse's business. I can date, sleep with people, stay at home or move away, go partying every night, spend whatever I want. It's my life now and no one can tell me otherwise.

LBS: Oh my gosh, I never knew my spouse was unhappy, this is the first sign of trouble! I need to figure out right away how to turn this around. I will scour the Internet for answers, because the sooner I act the better. Clearly what I need to do is beg, plead, negotiate, make it very clear to him/ her that the marriage is more important to me than anything in this world and I will do literally anything for them to bring them back.

I do agree that REALITY is something completely different, they are still legally married and certainly that fact should matter to BOTH of them. I mean if you're religious certainly your vow to God should matter to you, but even if you're not religious you made a personal vow to your spouse, your family, your friends and even the world at large that you will stand with this person NO MATTER WHAT. What does it say about you to all those people and even yourself to break what YOU deemed to be a sacred vow?

Anyway I'm just saying I do agree with you even though my earlier post, like Vapo's, may seem to contradict that. But both spouses are proceeding based on their perceptions- the WAS that the M is over and the LBS that it's just sick and needs some kind of healing treatment. And their actions are putting them at odds with each other and just making things worse!

We all know we can't bring the WAS back by doing what our heart is telling us (pursue) so the best we can do is the DB'ing approach of accepting THEIR perception and giving them time and space to sort things through. I'm not saying to anyone here to live like you're already divorced, but rather put the marriage on hold unless and until the WAS starts turning things around.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I don't want to speak for Vapo but what I tried to get into a bit in my previous post was that the WAS's "perception" is that the M is over at BD. They've been thinking about it a long time, and BD is all about them officially pulling the plug and considering it over and done


This is so true.

After our BD, my W immediately started acting like she was single. In her mind the announcement of her intentions to D meant she was no longer married. That continued for a good 6 weeks until she finally starting coming around to the fact that she was still my W. WW fog is real.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I don't want to speak for Vapo but what I tried to get into a bit in my previous post was that the WAS's "perception" is that the M is over at BD. They've been thinking about it a long time, and BD is all about them officially pulling the plug and considering it over and done


This is so true.

After our BD, my W immediately started acting like she was single. In her mind the announcement of her intentions to D meant she was no longer married. That continued for a good 6 weeks until she finally starting coming around to the fact that she was still my W. WW fog is real.


I second this. My WAW just thought everyone would accept that since she said it was over, they would go along with her perception.

Nobody did - and the subsequent anger she directed at me was because nobody agreed with what she was doing, and in some cases told her that directly.

For my part - I said nothing, focused on myself and didn't react when she tried to bait me into fights.

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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'd educate the kids on marriage and the rules of it.
Obviously the rules suck for all of us LBS. Takes one person to declare the marriage is over. (legally)


LB,

You consider yourself married. Your wife considers herself divorced. The courts consider you married. Your kids consider you divorced. I consider you divorced, you are wrapping up loose ends.


Are you still hoping to bust your D? If your W has a change of heart, then you have a new marriage.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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As far as OM, you have lots of choices. Some have done background checks, some don't care, some introduce themselves and get to know the guy.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Hi LB,

I'm a total newbie so take this with a grain of salt (or several), but when I was reading through this latest thing a big part of me was like who gives a **** about the possibility of her coming back or not when she's telling the kids some rando is now their stepdad?! This is probably my emotion talking, but I would sit her down and calmly set up some ground rules for what is and is not OK in terms of the kids. Lying to them is NOT ok.

I don't know what kind of decision-making framework can or can't be set up during D proceedings but maybe it is time to start that process so that you can protect your children the best you can. Having your WAW tell them to keep secrets from you about men in their lives is truly ****ed up and I could imagine setting them up for issues down the line... not to mention you DON'T know what kind of person he is.

My friend's XW's new BF is a total jerk and exacerbating his D11's anxiety to the point where they're now all in family counseling. Anyway, just a knee-jerk response but I might try to separate and prioritize what is best for your kids over a piece of paper that your WAW isn't honoring anyway. Also feels like beta behavior to let it slide in the hopes that she might wake up vs. stepping up and talking with her about it.

Of course talk to your L first to make sure everything you're doing is consistent with getting the best settlement for you and the kids possible.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'd educate the kids on marriage and the rules of it.
Obviously the rules suck for all of us LBS. Takes one person to declare the marriage is over. (legally)


LB,

You consider yourself married. Your wife considers herself divorced. The courts consider you married. Your kids consider you divorced. I consider you divorced, you are wrapping up loose ends.


Are you still hoping to bust your D? If your W has a change of heart, then you have a new marriage.



Wrapping up loose ends might be an understatement. We have 3 houses and about 2.8M in assets to deal with. She wants it all for herself. This is going to be a long drawn out fight I believe. By February I am going to be working 16 hour days 7 days a week. I won’t have time for any of this and that is when she will argue I don’t want to spend time with the kids to the court. This is speculation I know; but my gut feelings are right more than not.

She left a spray bottle in my truck and added $1.50 to her tracker of things I owed her.

She is still fighting to get me supervised visits for 2 hours a month. This won’t happen but shows her mid set. Words say she wants me to spend more time with kids. Actions say she never wants me to see them again. Only reason I see them is the temporary orders say she must let me see them.

Ran into a buddy I hadnt seen in a while. He was quite put off at first; then I realized the story he had from W was I deserted them and left them destitute and I filed for divorce so I could be with a younger woman. He knows the truth now without all the details. Nothing but lies being told.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by LB55
So question for the group. Kids just told me mom is dating someone and they hang out as a ‘family’. I’ve never met this person. I feel that I should know who my kids are getting introduced to as romantic partners.

W has done nothing to pursue divorce.

Jesus H Christ. I'd remind your kids of the rules of marriage and family. This is an intruder.

Originally Posted by Vapo
For all intents and purposes you are divorced. You just don't have a paper that says so. Yet. You have to let go of your desire to know who your wife is dating. It could be that it is some kind of a weirdo, but the chances of that are very slim. Most likely you just want to meet the guy to see what he has and you don't because your W replaced you with him. It's not you, it's her.

Don't you go on "feeling" her pain. It is HER pain, not your. Do what is best for you, protect yourself and protect the kids.

Stay strong buddy...


I just disagree with the first sentence. What about the intent of getting things wrapped up legally? I doubt LB and Mrs. LB jumped into marriage quickly, or told people they were married for all intents and purposes when they were just dating or engaged. You don't get out of a marriage with the snap of your fingers because you spoke a few words that would be a relationship breakup outside of marriage.

I think we perpetuate a false narrative when we validated a WS's feelings that the marriage is over. You can "feel like" it's over but that goes against reality. You aren't on "home base" simply because you BD'd your spouse.

The rest of your post I like.

Originally Posted by LB55
I do not care that she is seeing someone nearly as much as I care that the kids are using the word stepdad.

Stepdad? Seriously? Again, I'd educate the kids on marriage and the rules of it. Your W may not believe in them but you kids should.

Everyone feel free to help me if I'm missing something.


Thanks Ovr, a lot of what you wrote is similar to what I am trying to convey here. I don't want to be with this woman but I refuse to do the hard lifting for her. She wants out so fing badly yet does nothing to make it happen. Tells me the reason she hasn't done anything is because I am so angry.

At this point I really just want to move forward with my life and not have her holding me over the proverbial barrel with her victim mentality she plays to the court and so forth. Unfortunately I am in such a tough spot to be proactive. My job prevents me from getting the time with the kids I want, so I lose that argument. That could change by next summer. If I force the issue now I will be locked into 4 days a month or less for 10 years. My L wants $25000 up front just to start trial paperwork. I don't have that kind of cash sitting around to waste.

I don't care about the piece of paper. I don't even know where it is. I care that she is lying to the kids about all of this. She is telling them to lie to me about it. They tell me that 'mom said we aren't supposed to tell you this' regularly. No matter the topic. I never trust a word she has to say. Every word is lies. Example: A few weeks ago she kept the kids out until after midnight partying with her divorced friend, then said they didn't want to come see me the next morning. I asked the kids about it and they said they were just too tired to want to leave the house. Lies.

I think I am going to talk with the kids about it in simple terms this weekend.


Me40; W38; S12; D9
BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18
D Final 7/2020
Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
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