My Story

[Vapo]

Thank you for the encouragement. It’s been rough knowing she cares more about him than me. Not sure we can recover and she is not sure if she wants to put in the work to rebuild trust or our relationship.
This blog has really helped me.

Believe you me, she is sure as hell not pondering about the relationship with you. Not one iota. I get you man, I really do. I was you 5 years ago. A naive schmuck who thought that my love will be a bright beacon to guide her from pain and back into the marriage. All she is is feeling sorry for herself and for her beau.

As the others have said, give her space, give her time. You need time away from her as well.

She has been honest and she claims she feels responsible for him having to go through a divorce and for him feeling so badly.

Are you kidding me? She is sorry for the demise of his marriage?!? What the fcuk about the demise of her marriage? Do not believe one more word from her. She will be physical with him again. She will not be able to resist the urge. She will lie to you, she will hide stuff from you, she will disrespect you with her actions. Do not believe her and you will not be hurt all over again when she sleeps around again. And sleeping around is the least of your problems. The main is the lack of respect for you and you also do not have any respect for yourself. What kind of a husband consoles his wife when she is crying over another man?!? I am not dumping on you, I was you 5 yrs ago.

For you to stand any chance of a new relationship with your W, she has to respect you first. Without respect nothing can be ignited.

[phnix]

Hit me hard Vapo!! I completely understand and trust me I walk away thinking I must be an idiot after the whole ordeal.

I have contacted a lawyer already and seriously contemplating issuing an ultimatum. I am so much better than I was 3 months ago.

I think it all comes down to standing up for myself. I have already told her that there will be certain boundaries and I will have to walk away if she continues to be deceitful. Maybe this is what she wants and if so then only time will tell.

My son is 13 and he will chose to live with me so she can be alone waiting on his marriage to fall apart and she knows this. I just don't see why people chose to stay in this type of environment for very long. I really don't think I can hang around much longer but only I can make that decision.

Eventually, I will have to make that decision. What really was the nail in the coffin is when she said she may resign because its the honorable thing to do. Basically admitting that it would be easier for her to resign instead of him. Are you kidding me. She is willing to resign to help him instead of resign for her son who is in that school or for her husband.

This really showed me where her heart is at during this time. It isn't with me and it isn't with her son which really breaks my heart. In saying all this she mentions that I know its tough for you to hear these things. REALLY!!!

[AnotherStander]

100% agree with Vapo, Neffer, LH and Ovr. We constantly preach about listening and validating but NOT IN THIS SITUATION. Your W is all broken up because she and OM got BUSTED. She has ZERO remorse, you really need to understand that. She is not grieving out of remorse over the damage she has caused, she is grieving that her toy has been taken away. You should give her no quarter. Detach. Leave her alone. Don't be her buddy and shoulder to cry on.

My wife was in a lot of pain the past two days with being away from him and no contact. I tried to help as it was tough to see her crying all day.

Let her cry. Let her feel pain. You go about your business. She needs to know you have ZERO sympathy for her, she is lying in a filthy cesspool of her own making.

I did not stay home from work but she called me constantly.

So she stayed home to grieve OM? Quit answering your phone.

She has been honest and she claims she feels responsible for him having to go through a divorce and for him feeling so badly. She said she could tell he was down and out and she had never seen him this way before.

Oh my heart just breaks for OM!!!! He's married and having an affair with a married woman and boning her IN SCHOOL and now might lose his family and his job over it? Oh the poor guy!! Who would think that something like that could possibly happen to a filthy lying adulterer? It doesn't seem fair! (/sarcasm)

Regarding your below comments, the bolded parts would have been valuable additions to that conversation:

I thanked her for being honest and admitting for calling him.

...and told her I now have a lot to think about because I am not sure I want to be married to someone who disrespects me in such a manner. Then I told her I need time and space to think this over and decide what MY next move is going to be.

She also admitted that she had a strong desire to continue to talk to him and that they wouldn’t be physical at all anymore.

I responded by saying I am tired of her lies and deception and don't believe anything she tells me right now. I also added that if she continues to talk to him then our marriage is over.

She is scared the OM’s wife will have both of them fired since she has all the information of them talking and having sex at school.

I told her that would be a shame, but it is the price they might have to pay for their deplorable behavior.

If she continues to hide her phone and sleep in another room then I will ask her for a divorce. have her served with no notice.

[joejoe1]

BB,

You need to give her space and time. You are not her shoulder to complain on or her ear to complain too. "She know it's hard for you to hear", but she don't care how much it hurts you. She just want what makes her to feel less guilty and people to feel sorry/sympathy for her. You need to allow her choices to take affect in her life. Back a way and allow her to deal with her own choices.

Of courses she's hurting, she's upset she got caught. If she wouldn't of gotten caught, they would still be chugging along .

Keep up the hard work.

[neffer]

You can´t nice her back BB. And you can´t force her back with ultimatums. She´s wayward. Get out from any MR talk. Just show her you are moving forward. No time for words. Enough talking. Just action. You need to get your respect back, there´s none of it now.

Keep getting amoafwl. Keep reading the books, keep posting here.
Detach, GAL. DB

Stay strong BB. There´s a long road ahead. Start walking. Forward.

Time and patience.

[phnix]

The weekend went well. I got out and played golf with friends and watched Nadal win yesterday!! We did however go to a movie as a family with our 13yr old Saturday night.

As I detach and move forward my wife gets angry that I don't love her. She then acts like a teenager trying to manipulate me by speaking of divorce. I just told her to go ahead and file and my lawyer would handle the rest.

I also asked her to continue to sleep in the other room. She mentioned she was worried about her job again and said the other couple was separated. She then back tracked and said they probably are separated. I'm not stupid and that was code for she had spoke to him sometime that day while I was playing golf. Again I told her I didn't care about his marriage and would not listen to anything that pertains to them.

Last night she went to the school to work on papers and spent 3 hours up there. She came back smelling of lotion and I knew that she had probably met him at the school or somewhere outside of school. I didn't speak to her when she got home and it drove her crazy.

I am going to continue to move forward and will not have any lengthy discussions with her about anything that pertains to her job or his family. However, I did tell her on Friday that if she continues to be aloof and secretive with her actions then she needs to get her things and move out. She can move in with her parents now that she has confessed of the affair to them.

[AnotherStander]

GOOD! That's how you should be handling interactions with her. Great job!

[neffer]

Boundaries should be respected BB. Once you set them you can’t take them back. Be prepared to do so.

Stick to DB. No lengthy discussions but not short either. DB! No MR talks. She is very WW. She is even trying to get you into the fog. Break free, GAL. Winning cards are yours: you are DBing!

Stay strong BB. There’s a long road ahead.

[phnix]

Update:
Things are going well. I haven't been answering her calls and only responding with short messages. It drives her nuts and she flips out. She then demands that I answer when she calls or she said she would stop calling. I do not get angry back but play it off as being busy or my phone was on silent.

She is becoming depressed somewhat with knowing the affair is coming to an end and not being able to carry on like she did before. To continue will mean more exposure, possibly losing her job, and heartache for destroying 2 families. We live in a small community so it will spread like wildfire once it gets out. It has been pretty well contained as the OM's wife hasn't really told anyone and she has kicked him out of the house.

I know that all her feelings of guilt and shame are short lived due to working with him everyday. She will continue this roller-coaster of emotions for a long time.

Keeping our talks short and avoiding to talk about OM and his family. I try to change subject or walk away when she shares feelings she has for him. His wife tried to call her again last night and she didn't speak to her. She quickly began trying to emotionally connect with me and became needy to some degree.

I just told her she needed to speak with the woman and give her the truth. Avoiding the woman implies that she is still involved with her husband. It is a big mess. Her world is slowly crashing down and she finally admitted last night that she is going to try and stop the affair. We were in the car so I couldn't avoid her talking about the situation but it's the first time I've seen her show some remorse and rational thought about the situation.

I am not gullible enough to think this has stopped or will stop. I know that she has called him at his new home. She hasn't been to work out in the past 5 days. She mentioned going at night and I just told her to be careful because the OM's wife said she was hiring a private investigator. She quickly changed her mind about working out at night. It's almost comical how any sort of pain or further exposure will quickly turn her away from him to some degree.

I know that it is short lived and she will be back to communicating with him when she goes to work during the day.

[AnotherStander]

It drives her nuts and she flips out. She then demands that I answer when she calls or she said she would stop calling. I do not get angry back but play it off as being busy or my phone was on silent.

WHAT??? Man quit coddling her! "W, I am not answering because I do not want to talk to you. I wish you would quit calling, I am not interested in talking to you while you are engaging in an affair unless it is something urgent. Now please respect my time."

I know that all her feelings of guilt and shame are short lived due to working with him everyday. She will continue this roller-coaster of emotions for a long time.

Guilt? No. Shame? No. Upset that her little fantasy has been blown? Yes.

I try to change subject or walk away when she shares feelings she has for him. His wife tried to call her again last night and she didn't speak to her. She quickly began trying to emotionally connect with me and became needy to some degree.

I just told her she needed to speak with the woman and give her the truth.

Not your problem. Let her deal with the aftermath, quit giving her advice!

Avoiding the woman implies that she is still involved with her husband.

SHE IS still involved! She admitted it to you right here:

Her world is slowly crashing down and she finally admitted last night that she is going to try and stop the affair.

You can't stop an affair that is already over. Therefore, she is STILL in an affair with him.

She mentioned going at night and I just told her to be careful because the OM's wife said she was hiring a private investigator.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I know that it is short lived and she will be back to communicating with him when she goes to work during the day.

Right. So what do YOU do? Leave her alone. Detach. GAL. She has made a steaming poo of a mess for herself and you do NOT want to rescue her from it or be her shoulder to cry on.