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A Message from Michele
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Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2861896
08/19/19 01:31 PM
08/19/19 01:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 53
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bballer1 Offline OP
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bballer1  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 53
Detach means to let go and live my life without worrying about her. I've got to free her from my mind and GAL. I need to focus on myself and my kids.

Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2861906
08/19/19 02:53 PM
08/19/19 02:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,173
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 7,173
Originally Posted by bballer1
Well she wanted to sit down and talk and I couldn't get away before it got heavy. She is wanting out of the marriage and wants to make plans to slowly dissolve our relationship.


Whenever she forces these R talks on you just listen and validate but STAND YOUR GROUND.

"I want out of the marriage and we need to make plans to dissolve things."

"I understand you want to end things, it's not what I want but I will not stand in your way."

"I am very busy at work so can I count on you to take care of this?"

"No, this is not what I want and I will not help. But I will not try to stop you."

"How dare you not lift a finger to help blah blah blah rant rant rant!"

"This must be very difficult for you, I am sorry you are struggling."

"So you will help me then? You will do the paperwork?"

"No."

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She is so preoccupied with work she doesn't have the time to do any of the work needed to file or put it into motion. I guess I just need to continue to detach and try to slow things down. If this goes through I would end up having to do all the work.


Nope, you do not need to lift a finger. She wants a D but she's too busy? Her problem.

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A lot of her attitude this weekend was that of resentment. I'm afraid the longer I hang around the more she will grow in hate toward me and we wouldn't be able to be cordial through all of this. She feels like she is being trapped if I don't move on.


She's trapped in a prison of her own making. You didn't force her to get married and you are not forcing her to stay in the M. She is free to leave whenever she wants, she is free to file for divorce, she's free to do what she wants. THAT DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS FREE TO MAKE YOU DO ALL THE WORK!

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My question is if I detach and avoid her pretty much completely will she end up hating me and having resentment toward me which will lead to a messy divorce.


She's just got resentment in her heart right now and she's blaming it all on you. Detachment and leaving her alone is the ONLY thing you can do that will help.

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I don't want them to see her hateful or angry toward me. I knew detaching would make her angry.


ANYTHING will make her angry right now. Pursue her, don't pursue her, help her, don't help her, it all makes her mad. Detach for YOU. Leave her to her roller coaster ride.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2861910
08/19/19 03:07 PM
08/19/19 03:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 1,860
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neffer Offline
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neffer  Offline
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Posts: 1,860
Hey BB, why are you giving her that power?

Listen to LH. Listen to AS

YOU have the power. BE yourself. Live YOUR life.


WW H(me): 49
W: 44
T: 24 M: 19
S: 14
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2862097
08/20/19 05:14 PM
08/20/19 05:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 53
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bballer1 Offline OP
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bballer1  Offline OP
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I guess I am still holding on to the marriage and that is why I allow her to have this power over me. I know I have got to let it go and move on with my life.

That is what she truly wants anyways. She wants me to be happy and admitted she has been hanging around hoping I would get better and not be as devastated. I feel like she is hoping I will find someone else and will eventually file for divorce once I get over it and accept it. I believe this is what happened with her best friend as well.

She has mentioned another woman in her workplace that lived with her husband for a year before he filed for divorce. I have a hard time accepting I need to wait this out due to the fact of what she has done and not being remorseful at all.

My wife is a good woman doing a bad thing. This is the only reason I want to save my marriage. She is highly respected in our community and in her job. She claims that for her to have done the things she has done in the past year that it is clear she doesn't love me. I don't think she can truly forgive herself and that is why she wants to be single. So she can start over and probably also to continue in the affair with her boss. She is a very decisive woman so I find it difficult that she will change her mind someday. She is a natural leader and generally knows what she wants and makes decisions based on those principles.

She has stated that the one night affair made her realize that she is desired and that she can find someone else. The problems in our marriage were a lot worse than I thought. She claims she now realizes she has a choice in her own happiness and her life regardless of what people think. This is her way of justifying divorce because it is highly frowned upon.

I am going to continue to follow Sandi's rules and pray for the best outcome for my family.

Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2862100
08/20/19 05:34 PM
08/20/19 05:34 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,173
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 7,173
Originally Posted by bballer1
She claims that for her to have done the things she has done in the past year that it is clear she doesn't love me.


Well yeah, but she has it backwards. Love is a VERB, not a noun. It's something you DO. It's an ACTION that you choose to take or not take. This is real life, not Hollywood. Love takes hard work to maintain once you are past the limerence phase. Your wife CHOSE to quit loving you. Whatever she thinks you did wrong in the M, she could have chosen to work with you on it and continue loving you. But without your consent or permission, she instead unilaterally chose NOT to love you. So "the things she has done in the past year" are 100% on her, NOT you. Right?

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She has stated that the one night affair made her realize that she is desired and that she can find someone else.


Yup, and she will repeat this cycle all over again.

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She claims she now realizes she has a choice in her own happiness and her life regardless of what people think.


She is right. She doesn't realize that she could choose happiness WITH you. She will hopefully realize that some day.

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I am going to continue to follow Sandi's rules and pray for the best outcome for my family.


Good.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2862189
08/21/19 01:36 AM
08/21/19 01:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 53
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bballer1 Offline OP
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bballer1  Offline OP
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Iím going to get the books and read them. Should have already purchased them but Iíve been paying for counseling the past 2 months.
The hardest thing is at night when we sit down for dinner with the boys. We talk and interact as if nothing is going on. Itís fine but I really need the book so I can learn how to handle these types of situations. I helped her prepare the food because she asked. It wasnít much and only took me about 5 minutes.

Later afterwards she laid on the bed close to me for a while. She asked me if we would always be friends. I just answered yes.

The books can probably explain how to relate in all these situations.

AS: Thanks for the advice. You guys keep my spirit up during the day. Itís nice to have people that have been through this to help others. Thanks again guys.

Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2862214
08/21/19 09:28 AM
08/21/19 09:28 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,878
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,878
B,

You need to get the book and read it ASAP. Why did you agree to be friends? Is it because you didnít want to upset her? Telling her you will always be friends is making it easier for her to walk out the door.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2862223
08/21/19 12:02 PM
08/21/19 12:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,173
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,173
Originally Posted by bballer1
The hardest thing is at night when we sit down for dinner with the boys. We talk and interact as if nothing is going on. Itís fine but I really need the book so I can learn how to handle these types of situations.


You should read the book because it will help explain a lot of what you read on these forums. But check out the thread about Sandi's rules, those rules are your template on how to behave in these situations. Very briefly- no R talks, no following her around, no pressure, be polite, well-groomed, detached.

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I helped her prepare the food because she asked. It wasnít much and only took me about 5 minutes.


That's fine. Just have no expectations, because it doesn't really mean anything.

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Later afterwards she laid on the bed close to me for a while. She asked me if we would always be friends. I just answered yes.


That's just WAS script. They have this cake-eating fantasy of pursuing their new "swinging single" life with some handsome new OM while being able to call on their ex to fix their car, hang a picture, spend a little family time or do them some other favor all without the pressure of having sex or do anything relationship-wise. In general we say not to go there because she needs to start to realize her fantasy is just that. If she asks you if you'll always be friends and you reply "wow I don't think so, if I'm in a new relationship I will be completely focused on that." or something along those lines, it will be a cold slap in the face to her that her "plans" may not go down the way she thinks. Now I'm not saying that exes can't be friends, they absolutely can. My XW and I are on very friendly terms. But that's a bridge you'll cross years from now, for right now you want to detach and not be her BFF.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2862629
08/24/19 03:26 AM
08/24/19 03:26 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 53
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bballer1 Offline OP
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bballer1  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 53
I know what you guys are going to say but I havenít been really trying to follow her or track her movements. I never have gotten exact proof until tonight. Itís just as I thought is was and maybe worse.
She had a message on her phone and he mentioned he couldnít concentrate due to f$&@$&! Her yesterday at school. So there it is and now I have definitive proof it is sexual.

I have not mentioned this to her. I will most definitely move on with my life and love each day to make myself happy. I am almost 3 months into this and she has always denied it being physical. Well now I know for certain it is physical and I am sick to my stomach all over again. Iím trying to collect as much information as possible so if the time ever comes Iíll have some form of proof.

I know you guys are going to get onto me for snooping but I needed proof and now I have it. Thanks for everyoneís advice and helping me through this difficult time. Going to get the books from the library tomorrow.

Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2862638
08/24/19 11:27 AM
08/24/19 11:27 AM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 143
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jac12 Offline
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jac12  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 143
Ok bballer1 you have proof now. Does that change anything for you long-term or are you just responding to your emotions?

Of course she was going to deny it - this should be no surprise. And the fact that she was "lying" really doesn't change much since she's been deceitful the whole 3 months anyways.

You have your proof, you don't need more. Let this settle for a little bit and don't make any rash decisions during this emotional state.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
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