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A Message from Michele
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Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: bballer1] #2861240
08/13/19 04:49 PM
08/13/19 04:49 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 777
UK
Family Man Offline
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Family Man  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 777
UK
Hi bballer1, Yes I have. My ex was having an affair with a co-worker. I researched him and he was married but hadn't told his wife. I phoned him, pretending to be a recruitment consultant and got the impression he was tied to his family. My W hadn't told me either but you get a sense about these things. I got sick of the lies and phoned him one Monday morning after W left for work. His W answered and when I gave her my name she fell in straight away. The colour drained from his cheeks and we agreed to meet straight away.

It did me no good but at least it put it all into the open. He explained that they were going ahead and he regretted the effects on our 2 children and his wife's child. So my hope that he would back off was shattered.Things got ugly between My W and his( at work ) and between his W's family and the 2 of them. I spoke to his W on a number of occasions but he wasn't going back and my W wasn't coming back and that's how it ended. They are now married.

In summary it was like lighting a firework without a label - who knows what might happen. I can't see a case for you doing it.

You sound depressed and desperate - exactly the opposite of what you need to be to sort this one out. And I cannot see any purpose in the random actions you are considering - I was like that. Wait until you see a clear purpose before you act or you may create problems for yourself. Use the site to get help and be content to play a waiting game. And look after your health - you need all your resources.


Now divorced, boys grown up. Now in new failed relationship( never again, please )
Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: bballer1] #2861242
08/13/19 05:29 PM
08/13/19 05:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,013
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline
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joejoe1  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,013
San Antonio, Texas
BB,

I read Sandi's rules every morning for like a month and I used AS mantra of detaching with love. I told myself to detach with love. I would smile at my wife, I wasn't nasty or mean to her. After we reconciled she said my being nice confused her. Since I was being so mean, before DB, that it was hard for her to be mean back. I treated her how I wanted to be treated. I never over did anything. I did my share around the house. She was nasty or mean, I smiled or was even kill. I never screamed or yell. I refrained from talking about any R or M issues. I never brought up any negative conversations unless truly warranted.

I didn't talk to her about any heavy conversations, No money talks, Didn't talk about discipline, about changes to the home. I kept conversations light.

When I first started smiling at her, it felt fake, and then it started to become natural. I smiled when I talked to people I didn't know. I still smile when we talk today.


M:35 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: Family Man] #2861349
08/14/19 04:32 PM
08/14/19 04:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
B
bballer1 Online OP
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bballer1  Online OP
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Posts: 42

"In summary it was like lighting a firework without a label - who knows what might happen. I can't see a case for you doing it."

I realize this while after thinking about it for a while. I know that it would only make matters a lot worse and I have got to detach from my wife.

We talked last night about deep feelings and I should have cut it off once she headed in that direction. She claims she is trying to sort herself out and how she wants to live her life. She claims she will make that choice based on how she has grown as a person and that no one or anything will dictate that for her. She claims she hates that I am hurting but she can't really control that. The icing on the cake was when she said she had "outgrown me" Those were her exact words. I smiled and said well I am catching up with my own growth.
The fact is I know she doesn't love me anymore. You have remorse when betraying or hurting people you love. She is caught up and has rationalized her wrong doings by telling herself these things. I have a hard time forgiving what she has done especially since she shows no remorse for what she has done.

I think healing and moving on would be easier with full disclosure. For us men, it is harder to detach because we are not use to talking about emotions with our friends. Most of our friends are just buddies that we play golf with and at 41 years old they all have families.

Joejoe1 - Sounds like your marriage ended up being reconciled and restored. If that is the case I am happy for you and your children.

Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: bballer1] #2861405
08/14/19 08:59 PM
08/14/19 08:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 745
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SoTorn Offline
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SoTorn  Offline
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Posts: 745
Shes telling the truth. Yes, no more R talks. Just validate and keep detaching.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: bballer1] #2861497
08/15/19 04:16 PM
08/15/19 04:16 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
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bballer1 Online OP
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bballer1  Online OP
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Posts: 42
This past weekend she asked me if it was ok for her to go out with one of her girlfriends. I told her to do whatever she wanted to do but to honor our marriage in whatever she does. She didn't end up going. I guess I need to just let her go out with her friend. They usually attend bars etc.. in a bigger city an hour away. This isn't frequent but happens on occasions. Part of why we are where we are at now is because I allowed her to go out with her single divorced friends to bars etc...... I think she needs to go and get it out of her system.

Do people really ever change? She has told me some ugly things at the beginning of the summer. She mentioned she thought she was addicted to male attention. She mentioned she just felt like being reckless. I think this was in response to her sleeping with her boss because it could ruin her career and she could never teach again. I told her my son said she was going to his office after school and spending 2 hours behind closed doors. She claimed they were talking about confidential information and that he has a noise maker also so people couldn't hear what they were talking about. Unbelievable!!

Re: Withdrawn Wife [Re: bballer1] #2861510
08/15/19 05:25 PM
08/15/19 05:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 745
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SoTorn Offline
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SoTorn  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 745
Not being critical but your statement saying that you "allowed" her to go out with single friends seems a bit controlling. If she ever felt that she needed your permission to go out with friends that could build a lot of resentment.

At this point you truly need to accept that you cannot and should not be trying to control her. You can absolutely say something like "you going out makes me feel like xxx." But it should never come across like she needs permission.

Right now, more than any time ever, you need to just let go. If she asks you if she can go out, dont attach any expectations to it. You can tell her "You dont need to ask me for permission". Or just say "have fun".

This not only 180s on any controlling behavior, it helps you detach. Right now she will do what she wants no matter what and attaching expectations after BD could end up in a fight because youre still showing that her behavior affects your emotions.

Right now your mindset should be "shes going to do what she wants, but no matter what it will not bother me because im focusing on myself". Make sense?


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2861520
08/15/19 06:29 PM
08/15/19 06:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,141
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by bballer1
This past weekend she asked me if it was ok for her to go out with one of her girlfriends. I told her to do whatever she wanted to do but to honor our marriage in whatever she does.


Don't tell a wayward things like this, she's in a rebellious state and as such she will accept it as a challenge for her to meet and exceed.

Quote
Do people really ever change?


She already has. In your first post you said she used to be a loving, loyal person. Now she's a wayward. That's a pretty big change. Do you mean change BACK? Yes it happens. It can take a long time though. My XW has only started acting more like her old self in the last year. I had a neighbor whose wife went wayward. Moved out, got her own place, started partying with her enablers, got a tattoo that said "she's finally free!" in Latin. 6 months later she was back home like nothing ever happened.

Quote
She mentioned she thought she was addicted to male attention. She mentioned she just felt like being reckless.


Yeah that's the typical WW/ GGW mindset. She's going to be like this for a while. Nothing you can do will stop her or talk sense into her, so don't try. Just focus on you and leave her to her mess.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2861637
08/16/19 04:07 PM
08/16/19 04:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
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bballer1 Online OP
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bballer1  Online OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
AnotherStander,
Thanks for giving me hope. I know this is going to be a marathon and I've got to detach and find peace within myself. I've got to make myself happy and get back to doing things I enjoy. I need to remind myself that she is looking at me as a stranger and that she doesn't know what to do.

Spending time with my son this summer has been rewarding and I need to enjoy the time I have with him.

Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2861873
08/19/19 10:41 AM
08/19/19 10:41 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
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bballer1 Online OP
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bballer1  Online OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
Well she wanted to sit down and talk and I couldn't get away before it got heavy. She is wanting out of the marriage and wants to make plans to slowly dissolve our relationship.

We would have to sell the house first which could take some time. She is so preoccupied with work she doesn't have the time to do any of the work needed to file or put it into motion. I guess I just need to continue to detach and try to slow things down. If this goes through I would end up having to do all the work.

A lot of her attitude this weekend was that of resentment. I'm afraid the longer I hang around the more she will grow in hate toward me and we wouldn't be able to be cordial through all of this. She feels like she is being trapped if I don't move on.

My question is if I detach and avoid her pretty much completely will she end up hating me and having resentment toward me which will lead to a messy divorce. I want to do what is best for my family and this includes my two sons. I don't want them to see her hateful or angry toward me. I knew detaching would make her angry.

Re: My Story [Re: bballer1] #2861881
08/19/19 11:26 AM
08/19/19 11:26 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,861
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 2,861
What does detachment mean to you?


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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