How do you go on dates and describe your current situation? I've fantasized about having platonic dates - if such a thing exists. But I feel like respectable person would steer away, or you have to lie to them, which is a bad way to meet people. So have not been able to pull the trigger.
Last edited by LovingIt; 11/14/1912:31 AM.
Re: Story and Symptoms of WAW/MLC Part 5
#2872120 11/14/1902:27 AM11/14/1902:27 AM
Yeah I believe in being candid, honest and authentic about any expectations or lack there of. I don't like to waste anyone's time. I plan on full disclosure after some pleasant "get to know you" chit chat, see how it goes, and then mention it later. I don't lie. Some people are just looking for friends, relationships, no hook ups, see how it goes, etc. I figure what do I or they have to lose besides an hour of time and a cup of coffee? Just did the phone thing so far. I figure it this way? At the very least? I made a new friend. What do I have to lose? Already lost my XW and the house? I haven't been on a date in 12 years, but I used to do online dating then from 2001 to 2007. Met the XW online. So much work. Its even harder now to get someone interested with all these apps. Almost like people shopping with the swipe left swipe right b.s. Not like the chatrooms and myspace of yesteryear, its like people shopping in a sea of shallow, uninteresting, solipsistic narcissists who have been burned, and are overwhelmed with guys hitting them up constantly. On one hand I get it from they're side on the other hand, most of them are non responsive and have as much personality as a head of cabbage. I used to put out 50 messages a week back in the day, maybe get 10 responses, and 3 dates where two of them were crazy. So I know how to handle that aspect... Lol..But the way online dating today is waaay stacked in the ladies favor and geared torwards the top 20% of men. I might just hang my hat up and deem it a waste of my time, get some more social hobbies and go back to doing things the old fashion way.
Let everyone know how it goes.
Re: Story and Symptoms of WAW/MLC Part 5
#2872130 11/14/1904:12 AM11/14/1904:12 AM
Yeah AS that's exactly what is going through my mind. Its like every little step torwards meeting new people in a dating sense feels like I'm being disloyal to another person, or the idea of another person, and myself, but then logic kicks in and I realize that this person no longer has no loyalty or commitment to me based on their past year of actions.
Yeah it's a tough transition because your heart doesn't listen to your brain Takes your heart a while to adjust to the "new normal".
Detachment occurred naturally. But when you have to speak with Ex over kids, finances, settlements, etc. That person never just goes away. Feelings still get stirred, but they lessen and become less frequent over time when you limit contact and attachment through time and space.
Yes and you're talking about a much longer term relationship with much deeper ties. You'll get there, but it takes a while!
I almost feel like I'm doing something wrong, and being a hypocrite even though I am not.
Absolutely, it's normal to feel that way!
The ink on my divorce is not dry, hell it hasn't even been drafted yet...I really should wait until its final, but I gotta live and be social and enjoy life too while still rolling solo and working on myself ya know?
It's up to you, some feel they need to wait until the D is final and others don't. Only you can make that call. You're getting close to a year since BD, dating in less than a year I feel is jumping in too soon, and even at the year mark feelings are still pretty raw. But the timeline is different for each person.
Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25 Current R: 4 years Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Story and Symptoms of WAW/MLC Part 5
#2872606 11/19/1908:03 AM11/19/1908:03 AM
Sorry going crazy over here. A lot going on. Can't rest. Just trying to coordinate schedules with family. S2. Thanksgiving, cleaning house. Getting a table for thanksgiving dinner in time. And attending a wake. Father's coysin suddenly passed at 61. She had a heart attack last year. Almost died. Recovered. Celebrated her 1 year anniversary of living. Went on vacation last week, cane back, complained about pain in leg, may have had an embolism or blood clot and went to her heart and killed her. I think possibly the cabin pressure of the airplane ride may have had an effect. Or not? May be doing Santa photos with XW this weekend on my weekend off. Debating it...Seperate or together? Its not like we are both being photoed in it like last year just after DB.
Still feel like I'm leading two seperate lives. Standing on my principles. Some days I see the red flags and Im like. Nope! I'm good. I want to be alone. Its better off this way. I have just a little more control of me now. I listen to a lot of men"s red pill content which completely validates my experience with all the dysfunction with most relationships today. That's not to say I didn't contribute some of it? Other times I want to reconcile, but they are just moments of past atrachment that passes. It occurs with the holiday family unit stuff. But I am greatly looking forward to providing my own family with a wonderful thanksgiving this year (and some sense of normalcy) (Even though with the exception of my mother I know the rest of my family won't appreciate it and take it for granted.) I still enjoy doing it and the work even though its a lot. Coming back around to the XW. Again Im in a strange place between being stagnant with myself and growing as a person individually. Some days I still love her. Some days I hate her. Even though she hasn't done anything recently to deserve either. She has been a little more understanding and validating lately, which has surprised me. I know my feelings if wanting to reconcile lately in those brief moments only come rrom the past, what was, and what the idea I had of her was. I know she is not the same person. I only think of this when I am away. Or have a moment of humility in silence, or want to understand or be understood, or make amends for the sake of. Etc. I know it has nothing to do with current circumstance. When I drop off S2. I sometimes look at her with empathy and sometimes with disdain depending on what mood I'm in and what I'm thinking about. But I still keep the interactions pleasant, neutral, and focused on S2. We are good to one another, but we both know its going to take some time to heal all past resentments that crop up here and there for no apparent reason. I think we both care for each other as a person.
Its hard to deal with day to day. Again its Head vs. Heart and logic vs. emotions for both of I'm sure.She goes gray rock, I go gray rock. She opens up a little. I open up a little. She shuts down, I shut comms down. She plays victim. I play victim sometimes too. ( I mean after all I lost my home, family, marriage and unconditional time with S2 to an extent.) Women in general IMHO will never empathize with a man with this. Its all about her, her needs, her wants, her time and convenience with this kids, her support, etc. XW has been good however about me spending time with him so on the surface everything is cool in general. ( I just don't care for most Women's arrogance when it comes to time sharing with kids in these situations.) it's almost like they have to make you the bad guy and themselves the victim in their own mind to justify what they're doing to you.) If there is ever a midunderstandings bwtween us. Sometimes i just ignore it and carry forward, other times, I go well out of my way to make sure Im heard, acknowledge, that my feelings are acknowledged and boundaries respected. Thing that still pi$$es me off with her (And a lot of women in general is the lack of accountability, agency, and humility) That their experiences and feelings and mental narritives are more important than yours. They refuse to connect even if just plutonicly and try to see things from the man's side of just how much he loses because of their poor decisions. I still have yet to experience a woman go above and beyond and put of their way and whole hearty say Im sorry the sane way I would if someone showed me my wrongs and my hurts that I have caused. I know men (especially this one) can be stubborn at times because they want to be respected. But it is indeed earned too I'm sure on both sides through humility, restraint, understanding, and an empathy and desire to make things right, and always do the right thing.
But anyway... Carrying forward. Rebuilding my life one day at a time. Getting organized. Getting frustrated with it at times, but also enjoying the focus, the process and the experience. Hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving. Im going to make the best of mine. Doing a wood fired Thanksgiving Turkey that's going to be awesome.