What a stressful time. Dealing with the aftermath of the incident is going be some work. I am glad she/client didn’t end in tragedy.
It is nice to read how you and XH are behaving regarding parent(s)-teacher interviews. Singularly or together, it is good for the kids to see and know you’re getting along.
I did laugh at Jack’s one day of work. Yep, I guess he doesn’t feel too much financial strain.
I also chuckled at the memory of last year and you wanting to punch XH in the face. Nice when that is let go, isn’t it.
Enjoy the ocean view. It’s been raining here, a lot. It keeps raining, and soon I’ll have an ocean view in this prairie landscape.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks so much for checking in and your continuing interest in my sitch DnJ. I hope the rain has stopped where you are. I just came in from sitting outside for a bit. It is a beautiful calm evening and it was very therapeutic listening to the water lap at the shore. As is always the case, with so much quiet and peace comes self-reflection time. Kids are at their dad’s so it is just me, myself and I. Time seems to go much slower out here than at home. Things have been crazy busy at work so it’s kinda nice that it feels like I am getting a longer break in between work days.
Haven’t heard much from Jack since he left yesterday morning. A few texts last night when i was at pool but nothing since. I have pretty much stopped sending him random texts during the week as it is a bit of an exercise in frustration most of the time. I feel like my R with him has been a bit of a learning experience although I’m not sure yet what I’ve learned...lol. I really don’t know too many people like him, TBH. When I am with him, he seems fully with me. He is really affectionate and fun and has a great sense of humour. At night when we are watching tv, he always has to be touching me in some way and it’s the same when we are sleeping. He is the opposite of “needy” but he seems physically needy sometimes.
When we are not together, however, it seems like I am “out of sight, out of mind”. If I don’t text him, I will not hear from him for at least a day, usually closer to two and sometimes three days. When I finally do hear from him, he texts “Hi...” and then waits for me to respond. A couple of weeks ago, I texted him that I had stayed home from work because I had an eye infection. Two days later, he texts me, “How’s your eye?” I responded with “I texted you about my eye two days ago. Do you actually even care how it is?” An hour later he texts, “yes”. That’s it. No explanation of any kind or acknowledgement that my response was a bit testy. It’s like he didn’t even notice. TBH, I actually laughed when I read it. It is so him.
So I’ve been wrestling with myself lately. During the week, when I’m by myself in the evenings, I recall how often I was alone when I was married and this feels too familiar. Inevitably, this leads to me thinking about breaking up with him. I haven’t decided I am actually going to do it but I keep entertaining the idea and imagining it in my mind...it’s like I’m trying to get myself used to the idea. On the weekend when I see him however, I don’t think about it at all. I like his company and I am not ready to give it up. I am also quite certain that if we broke up, I would never hear from him again and I would miss him a lot. I hate missing people so I’m feeling a bit stuck at the moment and a little bit irritated with myself.
DV6...I haven't been on here in a while now...BUT when I read your last post:
Have you talked with Jack about how you feel when you are not together AND what you want instead? If you have, what has been his response? If not, why don't you talk with him about it when you two are together?
Perhaps it's just needed for you two to set expectations and find some understanding for when the two of you aren't together. Also I'd be careful from linking your current feelings of being alone when Jack is not around to your marriage experience. I know from my own experience it's easy to try and create parallels between the two, think OMG this is the same thing over again, run, run...Have to remain mindful of treating this R as it's own independent experience.
Your recent texts about Jack are a bit concerning. If your just looking for a hook up and nothing serious, I get it. But some of the issues that stand out to me.
1. He doesn’t text. That’s not healthy or normal from a guy that really likes you and wants a relationship with you. 2. He’s unemployed chronically and by choice. That’s a huge red flag and you deserve better. 3. He hasn’t introduced you to friends or family. That shows he doesn’t take you seriously. 4. He’s much younger. I get the appeal. But a lot of these younger guys date older woman for the physical connection and are embarrassed to really commit to them. (That being said my brother married a woman much older then him ) 5. People close to you don’t like him.
It sounds like you are spackling a bit. I recognize it because I did that a lot. Like “it’s ok that he cancelled plans cause I was tired anyway”. No it’s not ok. That’s not ok and reveals that he doesn’t value you that much.
It’s hard to end things but trust me. Ending something that is not right for you or harmful to your soul gives you a lot of power. It’s a test from the universe that you are not gonna accept mediocrity and crappy behavior from the universe anymore.
More importantly, it opens up space for people that will appreciate you and cherish and value you.
Do you feel loved and cherished and respected by him? ( Not just when he’s with you and wants to get physical)
You sounds like a smart, beautiful and successful and independent woman. I think you deserve more.
Thanks B & Juju for your thoughts. Jack and I are definitely headed for a serious conversation soon. He will be here this weekend but it’s my last weekend at the resort so not sure I want to ruin it with a relationship talk. I’m still thinking a lot about what it is that I want as when I started dating, I told myself I didn’t want something serious and that any relationship I entered into, I wanted it to go slow in the emotions department. Compared to previous relationships, this one fits the bill. Probably because it is long distance and I don’t tend to see him during the week.
To address your concerns Juju:
1. Texting. This is a tough one for me cause I am someone who likes to text people. My sister and I never go a day without some kind of text exchange even though we live five minutes apart. Jack, on the other hand, only seems to text people for a purpose (i.e to arrange a meeting) and in five months together, I have only seen him text someone on a handful of occasions and it was when he was organizing a meet up with other musicians. He almost never has his phone on him (it’s an old phone too that isn’t able to receive links to some things (he can get them, they just don’t work), emojis (there are only a few that work)) and he rarely goes out of his way to check it. When someone does text him, he doesn’t always respond. One night his friend Bryan was texting him (drunk texting him about music ideas apparently) and he only replied twice whereas Bryan sent about ten texts. This week, I decided to change up my texting habits with him and decided to not text him unless he texted me first and to only text him a similar amount of texts. He went an entire day without contacting me and then yesterday morning he sends me a “hi” so I responded with “Morning” and left it. Normally I would have launched into a description of how my day was going but he didn’t ask, so I didn’t tell him and honestly, I was way too busy yesterday anyway. I got another text when I got home from work asking how my day was so I answered and we ended up having an off and on conversation for a couple of hours. So I have concluded that when it comes to contact, we just have different needs and I’ve decided not to take it personally and to just match his level of contact and spend more of my alone time doing other things.
2. From what I understand, the chronic unemployment has only been this year and this is the first time he has ever collected EI. The last job he had, he worked a lot of overtime and it was not the best of conditions so he told himself he was taking a break and working on his music. He is only responsible to himself...no extra mouths to feed or a mortgage or any significant debt so I get the appeal. He is actively looking for a job currently but doesn’t want to have to leave the Island we live on so it is going to take longer for him to find something.
3. The non-introduction to friends and family may be that but it could also be that he just isn’t close to people. His brother lives in my town. He doesn’t visit him or call him. His grandma is here in a complex. He has visited her once when I was busy and suggested to him it would be a nice thing for her to do. His parents are in his town but I never go there. We have talked about his parents before. He seems to think they are intrusive and forever disapproving of him. He keeps them at arm’s length. This is foreign to me, for sure, as he would have met my parents by now if they were still alive. But...we were super close and my parents would have almost insisted on it. He only has three friends that he ever mentions and only one of them lives in the vicinity. He’s seen him three times in five months and they met up to go swimming (they met when they were both swimming competitively in high school) and have not socialized outside of that context. I think I will eventually meet some of these people but it won’t be some formal introduction. That’s just not who Jack is. Still...it is who I am so it is definitely something I am thinking about. If we are still together over Christmas, we’ll see how that plays out. It’s only been five months of dating so I feel like I have some time to figure this stuff out.
4. No need for a response. I am aware though.
5. My friends and family don’t like my XH. Jack...the jury is out. They just don’t know him that well. My sister likes him, she’s just not sure he is the one for me longterm.
Do I feel loved and cherished? Sometimes. When we are together, I do. When we are apart during the week, not so much. I always feel respected though. Definitely didn’t feel any of those things in my marriage except for when things were easy in the early years of our R.
Anyway... running out of time. Have to get ready for work. Thanks again for keeping up with my sitch and for taking the time to offer your thoughts. I really do appreciate it. (((HUGS)))
well, you do mention what upsets you , but you have reasons for why they are what they are. So you have to decide, do I address this with him and come up with a solution that works for the both of , or are you just going to accept things because that’s the way he is. I know from personal experience, if the latter is your choice, you really have to be ok with it, else resentment becomes the destroyer.
As an outsider from the texting situation...... you are at one extreme, and he is at another. That’s an area you might want to compromise on. It is t going to swing back the other way. It’s got to balance in the middle. And you have to tell him that and explain why it means something to you to compromise. And quite honestly, a compromise is reasonable. He is t even working, so I imagine it’s not because he’s sitting in meetings all day, or on a work site, etc. he can flex this.
How old is he again?
Does his lack of family connections and friendships concern you?
Just some things to think about. But you have got to be honest with yourself. Take it from me.
The term spackle is a chump lady term. It means coating over something. She also has this great quote “codependency is the addiction to the potential of things”
In my last relationship (and in my marriage) I kept looking past things that I was unhappy about. Kept ignoring things I didn’t like because I thought there was potential for them to change or because I thought maybe there were some redeemable qualities that would overcompensate. Telling myself things with last boyfriend like “it’s not realistic for someone to be perfect. He’s not cheating or an addict, so I can deal with this other crap”. Really, he was rude, offensive, lazy, and arrogant.
My ex husband was never around. Needed lots of space. So I told myself , I’m not the needy type. I will just have my own friendships and hobbies. What I wish I had done in hind site was said “having a partner to share my life and do things with is really important to me. It’s not important to him. That’s an incompatibility and I should find someone that thinks along the same ways that I do.” Instead, I was lonely, unhappy, and resentful (and I later found out he was a secret high functioning addict which is why he wasn’t spending time with me - so I sacrificed thinking I was too needy and needed to compromise for someone that was really abnormal in his actions)
When I was dating last guy and brought up concerns, Someone had recommended this book about how older woman should just settle. And my mindset at the time was similar. I was thinking how ridiculous it would be for me to have expectations from a person that I was dating. But you know what? You should have standards and expectations. Or else you become a dish rag. I broke up with my last bf because I figured out, I would rather be alone then not having my expectations met. And my expectations were mine and fair. I think the world “expectation” can be substituted with the word “boundary”
You have communicated your needs already. . What you have to decide is whether to be with someone that hears you but can’t or won’t try to meet your needs. It was something ginger and Andrew struggled with recently and something i struggled with as well. I think when dating people that aren’t meeting our needs - it’s a good time to end the exclusivity and date others as well, so you can comparison shop. If you find someone that does meet your needs - then you become exclusive.
I think when dating - the big determining factor before committing to someone should be “am I important enough to this person that they try to make me happy”
You know, the lack of close connections to others is a bit of a red flag. Family - well, ok, maybe he has some horrible dysfunctional family or something, but that shouldn't preclude friendships.
Frankly, it's something I should have paid more attention to with CMM, but he did a good job of SEEMING like he had more connections at first and once his cancer entered the picture it was kind of moot. But it's turned out that he is largely estranged from his daughters and has few friendships that have survived leaving work. I've met a couple of people he used to know that we ran into randomly at events, and we are actually going to a wedding reception for one of them in a couple of weeks - but that would be the first time we actually socialized with one of his friends, which says a lot about his peculiarities.
IF you can just enjoy this relationship as a temporary comfort, that's great. Maybe it never needs to be anything more than that. But if you find yourself wanting it to be more, I think you'll end up disappointed.
I haven't been around much over the past few months, but I figured I'd check in with you. Sorry to hear about your client. That must be tough. Especially with a younger person.
It sounds like you are already getting lots of good advice about your relationship. I think it just boils down to what you want out of a relationship. Jack doesn't sound like a guy who is going to change, so are you okay with the relationship continuing on like this, or do you want something else?
The trip to Croatia sounds amazing! I'd love to get there - unfortunately I'm a teacher, so only high-priced tickets for me!
Stay well!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
