Hey D, welcome back! Seems like there are two types of LBS's- those whose spouses are in affairs, and those who don't know it yet. Hope you are doing well!
Hey D, welcome back! Seems like there are two types of LBS's- those whose spouses are in affairs, and those who don't know it yet. Hope you are doing well!
So true. Sad. But so true.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. Also, you can change your subject line at any time within a thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am new here and also in the early stages of my sitch. Just read your thread. It seemed like you were heading in the right direction when you last posted last year. Then suddenly the EA. It must be heartbreaking. I don't have advice, but I am sending you my prayers. I'll be reading what happened for the past 8 month once you've posted.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Seems like there are two types of LBS's- those whose spouses are in affairs, and those who don't know it yet. Hope you are doing well!
Reading this is scary to me. At the moment, there is no evidence of EA for my wife. I am scared there is one but I just don't know it yet.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worse. I guess.
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
In these sitches, the discovery of an affair post BD is kind of like the scariness of dihydrogen monoxide.
If told you dihydrogen monoxide was everywhere in our world, you would probably be terrified. What is this chemical with the scary sounding name? How can I avoid it. What does its presence mean for me?
That is how we are when we find out WAS is in an affair. At first it might just be the ILYBNILWY bomb. We turn our behavior around, become changed spouses, do everything we think is right. Then find out there is an OP. And we freak.
Just like if we hear that we are surrounded by the chemical dihydrogen monoxide.
The problem. Both are all in our head. If I write the chemical symbol for dihydrogen monoxide it becomes clearer: H2O
That's right, the chemical with the scary sounding name is water. And just like water being harmless (unless you are drowning of course) the A your spouse is in does not matter. At least from a DBing standpoint. You should still be GAL, 180ing, and detaching.
I am even to the point of whether there is an affair or not, you should keep the MBR. The WAS should always be the one to sleep elsewhere if they so choose. Some will argue, and I can't really argue against it, that you should also kick the cheating spouse out of the MBR. But that can be legally thorny. So my stance is, to not leave the MBR. If the cheating spouse decides to do so, then so be it. But just because you share a bed with a cheating spouse doesn't mean you agree with their actions. So I think each situation is different. Most cheating spouses out of shame and guilt will leave the MBR when asked.
So Destroyd, your W's EA is not end of the world. She was a WAS before you knew about the EA and is still one after. Just keep DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
For over a year I have been becoming the best me I can be. I have been working out 5-6 days a week and devoting all of my efforts into being the best husband and father a man can be (I know not the best DBing, but I struggle so much with detaching). During this year, I could not understand how my wife could go from loving me to not caring about me at all. I could not understand why she wasn't responding positively to all of my changes. Well, now I know. She was devoting 100% of her efforts to try to get a guy who lives over 6 hours away to love her. "Going to unprecedented levels to gain his attention."
I feel like everything she has told me over the past year has been a lie, except for one statement she made to me in July--"You are the partner I have always wanted, but it is complicated." I know why it is complicated now. There is another Fing dude. This guy has a family and it seems as if he emotionally withdrawals from my wife. He recently did this over Christmas and hurt her. The letter to herself that I found suggests that she know this relationship will never work, he will never leave his wife and she should end it. She of course told me that it was just a fantasy and that she has ended it. Additionally, she wants me to believe that this affair had nothing to do with our marriage problems. I can't trust anything she says.
For months I have been telling myself that I would feel better about myself and my situation if there was an affair. It would explain so much, and I could quit beating myself up so much. But I can't get the affair out of my mind. Facebook is giving me a friend suggestion of a guy from my wife's hometown where I have no mutual friends with him. I have never seen anything like it. Now I am jumping to the conclusion that my wife blocked me fro seeing that he is a mutual friend, but maybe my mind is just jumping to conclusions.
I still suck at DBing. I am getting better at making myself better. I am focusing on my physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual health. This is helping me. But now I am dieing inside about this affair.
All normal feelings Destroyd. On top of the feelings of hurt, loss, fear and hopelessness we can feel after BD, an EA or PA add betrayal and resentment to the mix.
I'm dealing with the same. Not sure if the EA is still happening, when it started, what was true....just cant trust much if anything. What you have so far is an improved self. Keep that up, for you. Many others have persevered through this to reconciliation and many others to a happy life without their WW. The path you choose is up to you and it doesnt need to be decided overnight.
Things that helped me: posting angrily or anxiously here, venting to a friend, talking to IC, telling myself its her sickness and issue, learning about chaos kid theory, and keeping the peace for the kids. I'll be honest, it still hurts daily. You may be stronger than I. Others like Steve and Hoosjim have gotten through this and they seem well off, perhaps stronger than before BD and EA.
What may be hard now is to not act out of anger towards W. Actions you take going forward, try to run by the board or think it over. Are you doing it for you, to punish her, to get revenge, etc.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
