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Luckeee, wow, that sounds terrible struggling to win back a serial cheater who flaunts his behavior on Facebook and to work colleagues. I hope you find your path to a better you, whatever that leads to. <3

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AS & Hope have both given you great advice.

I really feel for you and understand some of what you're going through with your H.

You both are living in separate homes. H has a lot going on. The OW and a gf? What about you?

Your own words, "I know I can find someone else if I want. I'm a nice and attractive person who gives a lot to others and puts great effort into the relationships I build. I am also not afraid of being alone". Don't wait around for someone else to make you happy or to give you what you deserve. I totally get that you want to work things out, you have many years of happiness, etc etc.. that is what you'd like to do, but right now, work on you.

What do you want for yourself? Take H out of the picture for a second. What brings you joy? Is there something you've always wanted to do? Or somewhere you've always wanted to go? GO FOR IT GIRL! Don't wait around.

If things are meant to work out, they will. For now, focus on YOU.

Here's a challenge for you: Do something that scares you. I'm looking forward to seeing what it is. Want to know what scares me? Cooking is one of them...lol... It's something I really need to improve on. Any recipes for beginners are welcome wink


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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luckeee Offline OP
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So last August, at a low point, I stayed with a friend for a couple weeks so we could have time apart and think. I came home because I heard the OW's car was in my driveway but that ultimately led to the confrontation where I found out affair had restarted and been going on for quite a while. While staying with my friend, I went skydiving and it was a big endorphin booster for several days afterward. I highly recommend it!

Honestly I've been wrapped up in this situation for so long that I feel kind of numb about everything else. I'm in a new location since moving to CO in January and up until May, H and I did a lot of exploring on the weekends and had a lot of fun doing it. I've made a few great friends out here so far which is a big positive. I can see them being in my life for a long time. I try to go do things with them when I have the opportunity, even if it doesn't sound too appealing and I usually have fun.

I feel like my ability to be a good friend and family member is not what it used to be as far as the focus I am able to give others. I also feel the same about my job. I guess I should say that since I have started the NC except for business matters I have been sad a lot and hitting the lows and mids but not really any of the highs. I also have anxiety which I take some meds for. It manages it fine I guess. I really don't like to take drugs unless I have to but sometimes it feels like actual pain in my stomach it is so intense.

I don't know about dating even though H is putting himself out there. In some ways I feel like it would be nice to have the attention and company and something very casual might help me detach. On the other hand, I'm not sure how available I really am and I hate to bring someone else into the mix. I also fear that it might make things more complicated if reconciliation is on the table in the future.

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Originally Posted by luckeee
I don't know about dating even though H is putting himself out there. In some ways I feel like it would be nice to have the attention and company and something very casual might help me detach. On the other hand, I'm not sure how available I really am and I hate to bring someone else into the mix. I also fear that it might make things more complicated if reconciliation is on the table in the future.


Let me start off by admitting my deficiency in detachment. It's still a major work in progress. 2 steps forward 1 step back - but it's still progress!!

If you start dating at this point, it sounds like you are looking for someone to 'help you detach' - you don't need anyone - rather, you should not need anyone to be able to detach. That is where you grow and learn how to manage your own emotions. You won't be doing yourself any favors by looking for others for what you can only do for yourself - being single without a man to make you feel whole. I learned this the hard way, don't be like me. I was co-dependent with my H (and H was/is codependent with me).

I would agree with you that you aren't available, and if/when you feel ready to date, I don't think you will need to ask yourself, I think you will know. Your H could also make the case that you are now a cheater. I know this isn't about him, this is your growth - and a vet might show up and correct me, but I can't imagine giving my H the satisfaction of an affair of my own.

Dating while still married sounds like a terrible idea to me - think of it this way - would a (mentally) healthy, solid guy date a woman who is still married? Do you think this is someone you could trust long-term? I think you might end up with another serial cheater or at least another problem.

Loneliness stinks. Surround yourself with your friends and loved ones. You can do this!!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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luckeee Offline OP
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Well I guess we are legally separated so there would be no legal repercussion to dating. That being said I hadn't had thought of it as falling right into another relationship with someone else but more casual dating to just put myself out there and adjust my mind to the fact that this might not work out with H no matter what I want. I don't see myself wanting anything serious but I guess dating is like rolling the dice. You never know when someone will cross your path that you are really interested in so there is risk there of diverting to a totally different direction. It's hard because so many people tell me to move on and find someone who treats me better like people are replaceable. They say what if you miss out on someone who could be the love of your life because you are waiting for something that never comes to fruition.

On another note, H responded to my email about the financial items today and wants to keep phone and car insurance together as-is. I kept it business but he added in a line that he hoped I am doing well. I have not responded, I assume I shouldn't.

Then a few minutes ago I got a text asking if he needed to re-apply for his daughter's financial aid each year or if it carries over. I obviously know the answer to that. Should I just text back Yes reapply each year and leave it at that or wait a while to respond and hope he figures it out?

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ALWAYS respond to questions about kids. Keep it short and polite. Yes, reapply each year.

If it's a statement, I don't reply. Questions I answer. Like I would my accountant. (AlisonUK taught me that trick).

Originally Posted by luckeee
It's hard because so many people tell me to move on and find someone who treats me better like people are replaceable. They say what if you miss out on someone who could be the love of your life because you are waiting for something that never comes to fruition.


What do YOU want?

I don't buy that you would miss out on the love of your life. One could also use that as an excuse to date while married, because you might miss out on the love of your life. See what I mean? (I've actually spoken to a friend whose spouse found his "soul mate" WHILE married to my friend. True story!) {facepalm} That R didn't go anywhere - for obvious reasons to everyone save him.

You must make your decisions based on what's best for you. EVERYONE will have advice and opinions. The problem is they carry their own baggage to those opinions, they give advice that they think will just get you out of the pain for now, but you have to live with the long-term ramifications. You can listen to advice but be careful that they are in your best long-term interest.

The best advice I can give (hey, like I said everyone has advice) is be sure you do NOT make decisions based on emotions. That's what got our spouses into trouble.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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luckeee Offline OP
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Thanks I responded as you suggested.

I guess I don't want "more of the same of what I've been getting" even though I have enjoyed all of the time I spend with H, its not fair for him to get that part from me and not give me things that I want or need.

I would like to reconcile because I feel that unless there are extenuating circumstances such as abuse or drastic compatibility issues that cannot be resolved, all efforts should be made to work things out. That being said, I'm also not sure I am in this for years and years like some folks on the forum. It has already been two years and I feel that H doesn't know anything more than when he started all this so it is easy to be discouraged that this is not always the man he will be moving forward.

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Oh wow. I understand. 2 years for me August 5th. I haven't set a time limit on my situation because I'm not sure where I'll be and I know I never would have made it this far by setting myself up like that.

My H is in the same canoe. He went to IC for about 5 weeks and gave up because they didn't know what to talk about. ugh. He's no further along (from outward appearances) than when this started.

I stand for many reasons, sometimes I'd like to quit and run away, but I'm so glad I am where I am now emotionally. It really is true that either R or D - we will be better.

I have never felt the desire to date. Only recently found a man attractive but didn't do anything with it. I'm a little jealous, TBH - the thought of a R with anyone else still makes me want to vomit.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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luckeee Offline OP
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Yeah I guess I am not thinking in regards to a relationship per say. I don't know how to explain that without seeming shallow or that I rely on others to feel better about myself because I think that overall my self esteem is pretty good. I know that I am attractive and have a lot to offer so I don't think low self esteem has been why I've dealt with what I have, I think it is my tendency to fix things and look out to others to my detriment. I guess in a way I become a martyr but then I don't have the resentment that usually goes along with that so it's probably even worse!

I think no matter the reason an affair, even though we rationally know it's not about us and we are reasonably attractive, can be a blow to the ego. I have wondered if dating in a casual manner might provide a bit of distraction and boost in confidence that would serve me well. I also think it is good to know that our H may not be the only "star in the sky" despite how much we love them and want to work things out.

When my husband and I discussed this open ended period of separation that we are currently in, I told him that if he was going to continue to date that I would reserve the right to do the same if I so desired to. He said that was fair but he would never like it or want to think of me with anyone else but that after what he has put me through he would understand if I wanted to do that. Strangely enough, recently I have had a couple guys I knew from the last two neighborhoods I lived in NC have hit on me via FB messenger and I've made sure to be friendly but steer it away from anything more. I'm not interested in someone looking to be a rebound but I think the attention is flattering and it does make me feel good which is not a bad thing. I think for now it is nice to go out with friends and get some attention from the opposite sex and chat a little but I don't think I'm ready for more than that.

In the past I had a lot of male friends and when my husband and I got together, even though he was not jealous, I just didn't have time to maintain some of those friendships. I was getting plenty of time with the opposite sex (my husband wasn't jealous but you know how more casual friends fall by the wayside when you get serious with someone and you tend to hang onto your deeper friendships instead?) I have always been both physically and emotionally faithful to my husband throughout dating and marriage. I know some of those guys were interested in more than friendship but I was able to keep it in a comfortable place with good boundaries.

I guess all in all I have mixed feelings about it. I don't think working on myself is wasting time but I also feel that it may be foolish, even while leaving the door open for my MLC to work through this and come out on the other side, to shut my eyes or put on blinders to everything else around me. I hope that he decides he wants this relationship with me when he is in a better place but if he doesn't ever get there, than I don't know if it would be good for me to try to be satisfied with the little bit he can give in return when I used to have the whole enchilada!

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Keep doing things with friends or go do something on your own. I sometimes too have trouble focusing when with friends. The old "faking it" version of yourself. The worst is being around couples. (for me anyway).

Skydiving is awesome! I did it along time ago, remember the RUSH being with me for days! Not something I would do right now, being the only parent here for d3, but perhaps something else, like join the gym...lol..that's scary for me.

Oh to have the freedom to do anything! I remember those days.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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