One thing I'm finding..."shop around" dating isn't easy. It sounds good, but it's very easy for it to get too much especially given the Internet. Over the weekend I went out again with Tall Girl and we had a great time. She is very intelligent, works in my field, very attractive, funny, has similiar interests and we get along very well together. Very early days, but for sure we have a connection and are compatible.
Thing is after 2 dates she told me that she has paused her OLD profile. Said she only wanted to date one guy at a time. Now since we just started seeing each other I was surprised that she would go singular so soon, but I can understand the logic of wanting to just date one person at a time. While we were out on our first date, I had 2 text messages from other ladies who I have dates scheduled with. There was no way I could be respectful to both of them and have text exchanges with them while also being respectful of tall girl while on our date and giving her my full attention. At the end of our date she said the "girlfriend" word. When I teased her a bit about it she replied "girl" "friend".
I know that she says she has no expectations as the other dates she has been on according to her have been total flakes, but already I feel like we are going to have to have a talk about expectations and what we both are comfortable with. I do have plans to see her again once I'm back on my non-custody week with D4, but I also before meeting her for the first time have 2 dates planned for that same week. Now I'm not sure if I should cancel those, go on them or what. I'm humbled by how many seemingly great ladies have expressed an interest in seeing me and the last thing I want to do is be hurtful or disrespectful to any of them. I know I haven't taken enough or really any time to think on how I feel about tall girl and to be honest given it is SO early I don't feel as though I should have to. I simply want to continue meeting ladies and having fun, date many so I can really get an understanding of what it is I'm looking for in a lady and maybe then have a steady partner. For now I'm excited that D4 comes back to me today, I'll revert back to my happy Daddy life and take some time to reflect on my dates with tall girl and figure out how I want to proceed.
I think you need to do what is right for you and just be honest about it. Let her know that you really like her and would like to see her again but that you arenít ready to be exclusive with anyone. She then gets to decide how she wants to proceed knowing exactly where you are at. I had the same intentions when I started OLD but I am like tall girl, I have a really hard time dating more than one person at a time. I had no problem going on a bunch of first dates with people but when I found someone I was attracted to and clicked with, I just couldnít picture myself continuing with that - especially once we had been intimate with each other. I just canít divide my affections that way. Probably why Iíve only had a handful of relationships in my life. Plus...Iím a keeper...lol. Anyway...best of luck B. Be true to yourself. It will all work out in the end. (((HUGS)))
Me 51 H 46 B/G Twins 11 SD19 Legal SA - January 2019 Divorce filed - June 2019 Divorce final - November 2019
Together 14 years Married 12 years BD1 - May 2014 BD2 - September 14, 2018
So I had another date last night with a new lady. I've used sunshine in the past and am so reluctant to use it again, but i have to as this new lady positively beams at me when she smiles. The OLD can quickly get out of hand as I've said before. I've been blessed that more attractive ladies have contacted me than I possibly have time to keep up with. Miss sunshine came out of nowhere and no other way to put it, she totally captivated me. Now before KML has a heart attack and gets ready to beat me up...
She and I met up for drinks (sorry KML not coffee) last night. As I have my D4 I told her that I wouldn't be able to be out for more than a drink or two and given her work schedule we met for right around 2 hours. As we both expected our connection was real and we enjoyed easy conversation with lots of laughs. There was a band playing and so it wasn't easy to talk, but we were both comfortable and would lean in to each other to talk. It wasn't all that long with the frequent leaning before we kissed. She was radiant, a ton of fun to talk with and her laugh I just love. At that point the date ended. I walked her out to her car, we kissed again for a wonderful period of time and then said our goodbyes and headed out. She's wonderful, a big part of me just wants to stop, shut down all dating with anyone else and go immediately exclusive with her, but thankfully the much wiser part of me realizes that is the completely wrong thing to do. I will go slow with her, I do plan to continue seeing others, I do plan to give her space, I will not go too fast with her. We made no plans to meet for a future date as yet, but I do hope to see her again next week if possible.
I still need to speak with tall girl about expectations. I'm loathe to have the "exclusive" talk with her after only 2 days, but she is contacting me all of the time and seems to have moved way way faster than me in making us a couple. I can't beleive I have to have that talk so soon, but I have to stay true to my feelings and what I want and the longer I wait the more difficult it could become. I hope she is agreeable to continued dating as I do genuinely like who she is and we have interests in common and I think it's healthy for me to shop around...I just don't know if she's going to be able to accept that. I plan to see her Saturday and talk with her then. Best to you all...
See, you really liked tall girl, then you dated and found someone you liked even more. And yes, please no exclusivity! Keep it light and fun. If something grows at a nice pace, then it will grow. Iím glad you are going against your natural inclination to fall hard and fast on the first date. Youíll benefit from it.
M and I were talking about first online dates yesterday. He told me that he doesnít do coffee dates because it shows that a woman is afraid of commitment. He said he went on a coffee date once and it was more of an interview. The girls actually asked his salary and it was like she was going down a checklist .
I found that interesting. Our first date was drinks and dinner, lasted almost 3 hours and ended in a sweet no tongue kiss. It was perfect.
Thank you Ginger for the words of encouragement. I'm definitely not perfect, but I am really trying to go against how I've been in the past and put in to practice the help everyone on here is giving me. Ironically now I'm on the receiving end of too much, too fast with tall girl and I'm going to have to talk with her asap about my feelings and what i'm comfortable with. So far this morning in under 3 hours, I've had 3 separate contacts from her by phone, text, email. It's just too much, too soon and I know I need to get this talked about with her sooner rather than later. I think she's a great lady, but I'm feeling pressured and that she's taken us WAY too fast.
Yeah coffee dates to me are more akin to job interviews. When I read a lady wants a coffee date in their profile, I usually pass. I like coffee as much as the next man, but if you're not comfortable enough with me to meet out a restuarant/bar, some place casual, social and fun, I'm not interested. That probably more a matter of me being the beach bar type and less of the coffee shop/urban type.
I just received the sweetest email from sunshine girl this morning. She told me that she had a great time and was very sweet in her compliments of me. I'm not going to rush anything with her. I'm learning that one of the greatest things a man can do is to give the lady he's interested in the time and space to enjoy the experiences they've had and to think of the fun yet to come. I used to race to lock a lady down, but I realize now just living my life, having fun with her and taking it slow is the far better approach. Hope to be able to see her again next week sometime, but I'll wait a while to ask so we can both enjoy in our mind the wonderful time we had last night.
I say all the time that people really have to do what works for them. You can follow all the dating advice in the world from a variety of sources, but it all boils down to you have to do what works for you personally. I'm not a coffee drinker at all, so coffee dates are a waste to me. Sure, most coffee shops offer other beverages, but honestly, I live in a small community so coffee shops aren't a big think here anyway. We do have a Starbucks on our campus, but since I don't drink coffee, I rarely go there. Some others on this board have sworn off lunch dates because they have read or think that it promotes "friend zone". I personally like lunch dates because it gives you an easy out if it is not going well, but also gives you enough time to get to know the person and if it does go well, you can always step it up to drinks or dinner or whatever.
While I do think that tall girl seems to be moving very quickly, I can say that, at least from my point of view, the viable men on some of these OLD sites are few and far between so maybe she's just excited that she's met a seemingly normal one who is a good catch. You should still, obviously, have a talk with her, but my point is that maybe she isn't usually this all in so fast and maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it.
Just relax and enjoy.
Me 50, H51 3 adult daughters from XH's first marriage (plus 4 grandkids) Divorce final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 1 adult daughter and bonus daughter-in-law from current H's first marriage
Dawn...yeah that's the other part about coffee dates, you have to live in a place that has them to actually go to them! ;-)
I've been really overwhelmed and humbled by the responses I've gotten. In talking with some ladies at work they say very much what you've said. I've always believed myself a good catch, but I've also believed that there were many other men who were equally the same. The longer I do the OLD, the more I hear from ladies how bad the experience has been for them. When we went on our first date and even after our 2nd, tall girl has said she has no expectations. That may still be true, but I want to make sure we are on the same page. She turned her profile off and told me that on our first date whereas I was approaching it as one of many first dates I'd like to have. That disconnect I have to address. If she's not comfortable with me dating multiple ladies as I fully expect her to be dating multiple men, then it might be for the best that we stop asap instead of carrying on when deeper feelings and more possible hurt could set in. The absolute one thing I pray that I can do is respect all of these ladies and not hurt any of them if I can possibly avoid it.
So quick update...after my great date with sunshine girl mid part of last week, I told tall girl I did not wish to date her any longer. In my heart, my feelings and interest in sunshine girl are just much stronger and I didn't want to lead on tall girl any longer given that fact. In my past only once have I ever been the one to stop seeing someone. It made me feel guilty to tell tall girl as I did, I could see the disappoint, but I am trying to do what I know I need to and that is be true to my feelings and not settle for what I want in life. Given how I felt, I thought it was the best thing to let tall girl know so she could move on to someone who will make her their priority.
Having talked to tall girl and broken things off with her, I met sunshine girl for a date this past Sunday and we had a great time together. There is definitely a mutual attraction and connection between us and we are very happy to be dating each other. I don't plan to date any other ladies at this time and she feels the same away about dating only me. I imagine we will see each other again later this week/weekend and I'm looking forward to that. Not a single word from me about status or love or anything. Just have fun, make her laugh and enjoy my time with her. In a very good place right now.