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Yeah, it has been slow. I was attracted but I wasnt like holy crap if that makes sense. It has grown the more I have gotten to know her, grown as I have seen her wear different hats, grown as I have viewed her more than just a woman on match. As I have seen her be a mom, seen her in her professional life, seen her interact with my girls, in how she has treated me, etc.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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Just to add I think it would have been easier if she would have been a prototype of my xw. My xw is blonde, 5'4 prob 115 to 120. The dr has dark hair, is almost 5'9 and is around 150 lbs. I am still attracted to her but what has really made the difference for me is how she treats me. She is such a loving and caring person. Treats me like a king. That has been the difference maker for me.

Had a fun weekend at the lake with girls, their friends, and the dr. Just a lot of relaxing and hanging out at the pool. Back to reality today and the first day of school is tomorrow. I am going to go meet the girls up at school to see them off.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
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Change is a good thing, my friend. So I'm glad you branched out and went for a different type with the doctor. Looks like that was a wise choice that paid off well for you. wink Happy new school year to your girls!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Thanks D, just got home from meeting them up at school and walking them in their classrooms. My 5th grader walked in like a boss, she is VP for student council so she was all excited about that. My 3rd grader was nervous, teared up and didn’t want us to leave.

I am glad I have stuck it out with the dr. and resisted the self sabotage urges. The hardest part for me has been getting comfortable knowing that I have not really had the chance to date around a ton. I think I went out with around 15 different women and probably interacted with 30 or so over roughly 6 months.

I think I have a good idea of what is out there and truthfully, at our age, I don’t believe the perfect person exsists. Everyone has some baggage, we all don’t like we did in our 20s, and you are really trying to meshtwo lives together that have already been built. It’s not like you are building a life together as we did when we were young, in college, and had no kids. So I think compatibility is huge! Obviously there has to be some attraction but it’s certainly not the most important thing.

We see each other 2 to 3 times per week and just try to take it day by day.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
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J9

What were the self-sabotaging urges?
Did you struggle at all with wanting to be alone and therefore secure vs being in a relationship and the vulnerability associated with it?

kml - thanks for your input as well. I am trying to put some internal conflict at ease and all responses help.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Joined: May 2016
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Originally Posted by Twofeet
J9

What were the self-sabotaging urges?
Did you struggle at all with wanting to be alone and therefore secure vs being in a relationship and the vulnerability associated with it?

kml - thanks for your input as well. I am trying to put some internal conflict at ease and all responses help.


The first thing I’ve done almost every time I’ve met someone new is to wonder if I could do better, but I recognized that automatically puts me on the defensive causing me to put on the breaks.. one thing 2 yrs of dating has taught me is people almost always aren’t what you expect them to be. Now, I look at a lady and try to find something I find attractive, boobs, eyes, body, personality, whatever.. if I can find something, anything that physically makes me want them, I will ask them out. I want more than anything to be emotionally attracted to a woman, but I know that I have to find something physically attractive about them to be able to solidify the relationship.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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TF - I agree with what CN said. I have struggled with the grass is greener concept or wondering if I could find someone more attractive, better body, etc. Online dating has put so many more possibilities at our finger tips than what we had 20 years ago. I struggled with that more early on.

There have been times where I would have rather stayed at home by myself on a Saturday night than go out to dinner with the dr. I have struggled with that at times as well. Just the alone time to be by myself. I get it during the week but when both of us have a kid free weekend together the Dr. expects us to spend both Friday and Saturday nights together. I get it but there have been times where it would have been nice to have a weekend night to myself.

I met the dr. after only 6 months of dating and wondered if it was too soon. Trying to fight off my desires to date more and experience different women. Not necessarily the grass is greener more of just really taking advantage of this time and soaking it all in. The problem was that I knew she was a keeper.

While I am attracted to the Dr. I never got those butterfly feelings. That made me question whether or not I really liked her. I had to learn that it is much different now than what it was when you're young. That emotionally we are different people now as we bring more emotional baggage to the table. And that those feelings wear off. I actually feel that I am a stronger person for not having those feelings.

Vulnerability was an issue as well. I knew from the start that she was not just going to be a fling and someone I just dated for a bit. I knew she was a keeper and was looking for a man she could keep. That still scares me. My XW leaving was a complete shock and through all the self help and personal reflection I was not aware of how many walls I built around my heart. TBH it will take some time before I love anyone as I did my XW and trust someone as completely as I did her. I find myself being much more objective these days, more guarded because the innocence is gone. I was very naïve with my XW, knowing what I know now I will never be that naïve again.

Lastly I will just say it is process. I don't regret one minute that I have spent with the Dr. She is a good woman and I do love her but I know that if it ended tomorrow I will be just fine. If it ends and we don't end up married at minimum she has taught me how to love again, how to feel, and has helped me in many other ways. More importantly she has helped me realize that I am perfect just who I am.

Everyone is jaded to a certain extent after they have gone through a D.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Feb 2015
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I’m curious. If you really wanted to spend a Friday night alone doing your own thing, would the doctor be mad? Is that why you don’t tell her? Nothing wrong with wanting to your own thing once in a blue moon and chill out alone. Putting rules on it is what stinks, lol.

I also enjoy my Friday nights where I drink my wine and watch TV no one else likes with my hair in a mess bun in my PJ’s.

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I don't think she would be mad maybe disappointed or concerned I didn't want to spend the time with her. I think early on in a R there is the desire to spend a lot of time together.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 3,401
Likes: 111
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Originally Posted by TBSakaJ9
I don't think she would be mad maybe disappointed or concerned I didn't want to spend the time with her. I think early on in a R there is the desire to spend a lot of time together.


I was wondering if it might be a product of amount of time in the relationship. Do you think the Dr would be disappointed or concerned NOW or was that early on? I think time apart, particularly once you are committed can be a good thing. Or maybe that is just me and I'm an introvert who needs some non-people time occasionally. LOL


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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