Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Yorkie, glad the meeting was non-eventful. I was always relieved every time I had an uneventful meeting. I consider it a win.

Your thoughts about wondering why you didn't see that your M was over - and whether H was the brave one or not...

I have those thoughts a lot. And here's what I've come up with that works for me:

I think there are a million ways we can lead our life. I often think, "I wonder what it would be like to live like ____" or "In another lifetime I wish I had gone to school to study ____". Just imagine the possibilities open to us as humans. But we only have time to explore a few.

We lived one version of our lives married to our spouses. They were not necessarily bad. They may have been wonderful. But they weren't the only door open. We can love multiple paths equally but in different ways.

I can't imagine getting back with W now, but I also know that when in the M I was truly happy. I was content. Yes, I was complacent and lazy in the R and that was an error. But I was happy with that choice I made to live in that way.

So I wouldn't spend too much time wondering why you weren't "brave enough" to suggest an end. It was one path you wanted to see through in your own way. In that version you didn't have to be the brave one and that's okay, but maybe in your next path you will. Who knows.

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
(((Yorkie))). I am with Yail on this one. We all have thousands of options in our lives and we make choices. I think you were loyal and committed and it was important to you to see things through. I don’t think your H is the brave one. If he was, he would have done things in a very different, more respectful way. But he didn’t... he needed someone else in his life to do it like my XH. He wanted a short cut through the pain it would take to respectfully dissolve a long term marriage. He took the coward’s way out and that decision will eventually come back to haunt him in some way. There are no short cuts. He will figure that out in time. You, on the other hand, have dealt with this situation with honour and grace and boatloads of class...you can move forward with a clear conscience and your head held high. Your H on the other hand, not so much. So happy your meeting went well and you felt nothing around your H. It is a relief, isn’t it? It tells me you have done the work and time and space has done its thing. Onwards and upwards. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 205
Y
Yorkie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 205
Thank you as always Ladies.

I like your thoughts Yail. It is an interesting time of self growth I suppose. In the job that I do in dealing with people affected by the most extreme circumstances I see that those left behind often go through this introspective stage of grief at the circumstances that life has dealt with them. I will often say to them that they cannot live their lives thinking 'should've and could've' because they are purely hypothetical and cannot be proven because the opportunity won't arise again. I guess I need to apply this to myself. I'm not beating myself up or anything, just some of the musings that I have.

I guess we all write a 'story' for ourselves when we choose a particular path in life. Mine was very ordinary in that it involved marriage, a career and children and then moving into retirement together. In my natural state of 'controller' it gave me great security to know how life was mapped out. All manner of things come along that change the narrative whether it be; illness, loss of job, tragedy, death or divorce. I do accept that my narrative has changed. My personal growth and development will be allowing the future to be yet undetermined and accepting that. Sometimes I can feel excitement about that peeking out. I will allow myself to feel it I hope and not squash it with negativity.

DV6 - you are absolutely right. There are no shortcuts. I guess that is why most of the time the LBS ends up so much stronger. They lived and breathed and felt every flipping second of it whereas the spouse often had relationship overlap.

I am in such a better place than he is. I know that. I do think he is feeling the consequences; the alienation from his sons for one thing. I also know he will be burying that feeling and carrying on as normal but he knows it is there. I think the consequences for him will be far reaching and will cause serious damage to his mental health. All the exciting, kinky sex in the world won't compensate. For that I feel sad, but only the same compassion that I would feel anybody who is on a destructive path.

I do feel sad for my sons.

Anyway, exciting times in the next couple of weeks. Did I mention that middle son has got engaged to a most wonderful girl? They visit this weekend. All 3 boys are going off together for a night away and I get fiancee to myself. Then a little mini engagement party (just me, the boys and their partners). Then next weekend I'm off down to London to meet her parents and extended family and because they want to show me the potential wedding venue and where they may buy a house. A year ago I would have been very anxious about doing this without H, now just looking forward to it. I guess we do grow and become stronger through this process.

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
It's great to hear you have other exciting positive things in life like the mini engagement party. Your attitutde to it shows a lot of progress appears to have been made.

As DV6 says, there are no short cuts, but you've done it the hard way and it looks like you're out the other side.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 205
Y
Yorkie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 205
Morning all

Super busy at work. Got a new project to work on which involves a lot of travel and brain power. The brain power bit is a struggle at times! Not leaving much time for GAL activities but at least that means I can save for my Africa trip.

Reading a fabulous book 'turn north at Divorce' Obviously written for those of us for whom D is inevitable or completed so not DB. Helping me though. It may be time for me to leave newcomers now?

When the new agent came round he suggested some minor home improvements to assist with the sale. H agreed that we should split the cost. I have facilitated or done them myself and paid for them all and no response when I have sent him the invoices asking for half. What a surprise. I asked him to assist with the fitting of 4 new bedroom blinds. Relatively easy as they were just replacements. I was away for the weekend so asked him to do them then and he agreed. Came back to find he had half fitted one of the four. It didn't work and it looked as if he had cut the blind using a rusty spoon. No mention of what had happened to the other 3. Really? It is all I have asked him to do in relation to OUR house in 12 months, but no doubt he will be expecting half of the equity after sale.

So, daughter in Law and I watched a you tube video and did it ourselves. Girl power. Very satisfying.

I so want to shake him and tell him to get a flipping grip. The boys asked who was going to be fitting them and I said 'your Dad' They were very skeptical and said ' mum, he'll let you down' Well they were right and he's just slid further down the scale of their respect for him. I'm not sure there's much further to slide.

Lawyer's bills keep racking up. About £5500 so far but not yet divorced and not a single piece of financial documentation from H or his lawyer yet. I will need to find some time to redo my financials as I met the April deadline so they're now out of date. My glimmer of hope is that if this does go in front of the judge we will point out the extra expense due to his lack of cooperation. This will be frowned upon by the judge as he is a Lawyer and therefore 'an officer of the court' and really should know better. We may get awarded some costs. I need to practice my 'woe is me, I'm not a Lawyer and am being financially abused' face.

Tipping down with rain here this weekend. At least I don't have to water the garden. Need to take the hound out though, so waterproofs need to be donned.

Keep fingers crossed that we generate an offer for the house. Got my eye on a little cottage - built in the 1700s as a Blacksmith and Saddlers. Still got some original features and is very cute.

Have a good weekend all. Be good and if you can't be good, be careful.

Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Yorkie!!! Always great to get an update from you!!! You sound like you are doing well and keeping on keeping on. A role model for LBSs, no doubt. You are always so practical and handle annoyances with grace and dignity. Girl power indeed!!!

Not sure what to say about your H’s behaviour except that he sounds like a passive aggressive a-hole. I hope you kept a copy of those receipts so you can hopefully get the money back when the house sells. I hope the judge rakes him over the coals for his behaviour. He’s behaving like you’re the one who did this. Unbelievable.

I am crossing my fingers and toes for out that the house sells quickly. The cottage you have an eye on sounds adorable and a great place for Yorkie 2.0 to settle into her new life. And Africa to look forward to as well?? A colleague of mine just returned from Africa and she LOVED it!! I am sure you will too. I’m looking forward to a trip to Croatia next year...a trip that I would not have been able to take if I was still married to my H. With everything that’s lost, there’s something to be won!!! Yay for us for figuring that out. Much love and (((HUGS))) to you and yours!!! XO

Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Yorkie
Be good and if you can't be good, be careful.



grin
You're my new favorite. I'm gonna steal this phrase.

Last edited by Yail; 09/29/19 11:29 PM.
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
D
DS9 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Originally Posted by Yorkie


Lawyer's bills keep racking up. About £5500 so far but not yet divorced and not a single piece of financial documentation from H or his lawyer yet. I will need to find some time to redo my financials as I met the April deadline so they're now out of date. My glimmer of hope is that if this does go in front of the judge we will point out the extra expense due to his lack of cooperation. This will be frowned upon by the judge as he is a Lawyer and therefore 'an officer of the court' and really should know better. We may get awarded some costs. I need to practice my 'woe is me, I'm not a Lawyer and am being financially abused' face.



Hey Yorkie

Talk to your lawyer about whether you have to set up a costs application with some groundwork first rather than spring it on the day of court. You may be disappointed if you try the latter.

Bloody blinds! This jolted a memory for me. After BD, my XW asked me to install several. I did them. Not anymore though.

Good luck with the sale. Go Yorkshire!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 205
Y
Yorkie Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 205

Page 3 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard