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W,

Make it clear to her that you are know longer her support system when things go wrong that aren’t related to the kids.

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Wolfman Offline OP
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Just want to vent a little. I really miss being a family. I enjoyed every minute of our vacations and dinners together. I miss that sometimes after dinner we would stand I. The kitchen and do a family hug. It just brings me to tears thinking of the love we had as a family. What I wouldn’t give to have it all back. The days I don’t have the kids I am so sad. I try to fill up the day with stuff to do but it’s not the same. This is just the perception I get but, when she doesn’t have the kids she is loving life and the freedom, where I miss my kids so much and really don’t want my freedom. It’s weird for me to even say that because I use to love my freedom. I honestly feel like I was duped. I feel this way because she wanted to get married, have kids and now the 2 things she wanted most she is running from. She wants to just be free, free from marriage, free from responsibilities, free from having to take care of anyone but herself. That’s why I feel duped, when I got married it was for the long haul, not if things for a little while got hard to jump ship. It’s funny on here we talk about doing 180’s, she did the biggest 180 I didn’t think was possible. The mornings are hard for me, I feel most depressed in the morning and the Days I do t have the kids.

Sandi talks about the ww becoming cold and selfish, then I should take a picture of my w and put her on here because she is the epitomy of that. What happened in our society that the women are walking away from so many marriages? 70% of divorces are initiated by women. And it’s mostly here in the US. I’m rambling a bit just having a tough morning.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Wolf,

You remind me so much of myself. I miss being a family. I too have always loved our vacations and dinners. I too loved our family hugs. I never even imagined that our family would break up. I pray every day that she does a 180 and recommits to our family.

Like you, my wife seems to want her freedom more than anything else in life. While she is not out partying, she really only seems interested in doing what SHE wants to do. Luckily for my kids, this often involves them, but at the same time her selfishness is striking. She is fixated on her looks, clothing, fitness. She listens to pop music like it is Beethoven.

I beat myself up every day on what I should have done differently during our marriage, but I am starting to believe that there is nothing that I could have done. She is unhappy and depressed. She has been this way for a long time. I didn't cause this, and in fact I have done so much to bring happiness to her life. She is writing a different story now, but she is lying. Hang in there buddy. I keep crying every day, but I am getting stronger.


M: 22, T: 27
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(((Wolfman)))... It really does boggle the mind, doesn’t it? I’m like you...commitment, loyalty, honesty, grit....these are the character traits that keep people going through the tough times and where real, true and lasting love comes from and they are ones that I have in spades. Sadly, I chose to marry someone who only pretended to have them and had I not been so blinded by those new love hormones, I would have seen it...there were a lot of signs. I now know that he was in love with the idea of love and doesn’t really know how to love someone enough to get through tough times. When he starts to struggle, he points fingers and runs. He has quickly moved on to a new person hoping he can reinvent himself. He cannot. He will figure out eventually that he cannot divorce himself. I don’t know if your W falls into the category of people my H does or if she is going through an MLC. If it is the latter, then there is still hope, IMO, but it will be a long road. I don’t know if you were duped or not. I know I was but there are other people on here who I don’t think were and I think their spouses will find their way back. Your W may be in that category.

I remember the early days of my sitch when I was having all of the feelings you describe. I was in disbelief, scared and really, really angry that my WAH was forcing me to become a “50% parent” and replacing me with OW for the other 50%. I, too, was not enjoying my freedom and missed my kids terribly. I missed my life...at least the one I thought I had. I now know that my life was a total and complete lie for at least the last five years. Hard to reconcile that someone can lie for that long to the people who care about him the most. I am not capable of that kind of deception...disillusioned or not.

So I was really, really sad and resentful for months. At some point though, I realized that if I was going to save myself and be a 100% mom for the 50% of time that I had my kids, I needed to find a way to accept what was happening and find happiness again. It took some time but not as much time as some on here. I think that’s because my H was “King Douche of Douchebag Land” (thanks AS for that title) and once I recognized that, I realized I hadn’t actually lost much and that it was mostly my fears that were holding me back. I then started to focus on what I had and not on what I didn’t have. I focused on the fact that I have a good job that enables me to stay in my home and do most of the things I could do when I was married and had the benefit of two salaries. I focused on the fact that I have supportive family members and friends who love me and think I deserve much, much better than my WAH. I have a MIL who loves her son but also supports me and has been a good “sparent”. And I have two amazing kids and a beautiful stepdaughter who love me unconditionally and who deserve a parent who greets them every morning with a smile and a hug and a love that knows no limits. I also have time when they aren’t with me to recharge and work on me. I didn’t have that before and I have now come to enjoy the time I am on my own knowing that my children are being loved by their dad who is now a real presence in their life and that the OW is kind to my kids and they like her. These are all blessings.

I know this is not what you planned or what you wanted but that no longer matters...it is what you have. Feel your feelings...grieve the life you had and the life you thought you would have...count your blessings...embrace the uncertainty as there are endless possibilities...be the best Wolfman you can be and above all, as DnJ reminded me many, many times...choose better, not bitter. Time really is a great healer and if you continue to GAL and do the 180s you need to do for you, you will begin to heal in spite of yourself. I know I did and a year ago, I would not have believed it. Do I still sometimes think about what could have been if only my H had made different choices? Yes I do but it no longer sends me spinning. I just refocus, again, on what I have and on my desire to be the best DV6 I can be for my kids and the people in my life who love and support me. You will get there too. I promise you will. Have faith. (((HUGS)))

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Wolf...dude I'm sorry, up front I could have written what you wrote word for word back this time a year or so ago. One thing I did and might help you, try to abstract away the specifics of what you are dealing with here. By that I mean depersonalize the "I'm losing my wife, my family, etc" because underneath those specifics the simple fact is that you are dealing with a loss of control of what you want in your life and that is paralyzing you from doing what you need to do. I started to thing about...if a family member were to pass I would be crushed and wouldn't have wanted it to happen, but logically I know I have no control over that so after a period I would have to go on with my life. Then think about all of the other areas of your life that you enjoy which you would hope to never end, but they do. Could be an awesome vacation, the holidays, heck even a great football game, book, movie. Whatever it is, things in life have an end and whether we like it or not that is our reality. We can't control that beyond ourselves...and God is that something you learn about here and it takes us all as long as it takes to come to terms with it.

Like DV6 said "I needed to find a way to accept what was happening and find happiness again." And also "I know this is not what you planned or what you wanted but that no longer matters...it is what you have." Simple statements of truth and distilled down so much of what we are all confronting is that one word, the reality of it's meaning and our desire to fight against it. It is what it is. Nobody said this process that we all walk is would be easy, and the other truth is that even though we all fight it, we have really no choice but to go through it. Also as DV6 says "you will get through this". I say it all the time it amazes me how unbelievably difficult it can be for all of us to do the simplest of things. Get up on and go on with your life. Trust me I know how hard that single stupidly easy statement can be. You will find a way buddy! Hang in there!

-B


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Destryd everything you wrote in the last paragraph is so true. She totally rewrote history, makes me the villain and she did nothing wrong. I always think maybe if I did this or that we wouldn’t be here. But from what I keep reading on here it would have happened eventually. It just hurts so much to give your heart and soul to someone and for them to not see it is scary and very depressing.

Dejavu I honestly believe my w is going through a midlife crisis. When our friends d drowned last summer (she is alive but in bad shape) it did something to my w. She started to question life particularly her life. She is chasing happy, but she doesn’t know how to make herself happy. I have spoke to many women I am friends with, some of them went through a MLC. Everything they told me they experienced and felt is my w. The problem is we are heading down divorce lane. There is nothing that is stopping her. All the women I spoke to said it took about 1-2 years before they came out of the “fog”. 2 actually told me it was like a switch went off when they realized their h was a good man and they want to Ben married. I really hate where I am right now. Emotionally and mentally. I have never felt this way in 41 years. It makes me so angry that she is putting our family through this with no remorse.

Ballast I am trying so hard to accept what is. Just like if there was a death I get it. But unlike death I would still be in my Himenez with my kids everyday. Even though I know I made the mistake of leaving it the long run she is buying Ken out and I will be without my home anyway. Only see my kids half the time. So I feel this is harder, and a constant reminder of seeing her all the time. This has been about a year going on and I still feel utterly depressed.

I have given my w time and space with no pressure and nothing changes. Unfortunately she is one of those once she makes up her mind there is no turning back. I miss my family!! I miss my life!!!


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
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Just got off the phone with my w. I actually called my d to see how they are. Today is my w’s day with the kids. She took the phone from my d to complain to me how bad the kids have been behaving and how hard it is for her with them. How they don’t do anything in the house to help and all the do is fight. That it’s not fair that I can come over and pick them up and they have no responsibility with me. That they get to do fun things with me. That I need to be a disciplinarian more and have to help her to get the kids to do things in the home. That it’s not fair that she wants to do fun things with the kids but she can’t.
She kinda caught me off guard with this. I validated everything g she said. How hard they are and that it must be tough when they don’t listen. But the idea that she wants me to have them clean the house and I don’t live there anymore is her problem. When I finally get my own place is she going to come to my home and have the kids clean up there? Probably not!! She really didn’t think this divorce thing through. Then of course at the end she hurried off that she is starting to have chest pains. Oh I almost forgot. She was saying right in front of them, how horrible they are, that they are a nightmare, how her students are better than our own kids. She is truly in a bad place. It’s very sad.

I’m sure the kids are angry. They don’t want this and have no control over it. But my w doesn’t get that because it’s all about her. D was suppose to make her life easier and more fun. She is really getting a taste of her new reality..

Any advice when she wants me to have the kids clean the house on the days I have them? Because that is bull.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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Wolf. Decisions have consequences don't they? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I love how she blames you for having fun with the kids and that a disciplinarian is what the home and kids need. I guess a father figure and a husbandly leader figure is what's needed in the home too. But she's fired you as her husband for her own reasons and not the families.

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IH what my w doesn’t understand is that the kids are angry about the situation and are acting out. But all she cares about is herself. Poor her that she has to take care of the kids on her own. Poor her that the kids don’t always clean up that she actually has to clean up. I use to do it all the time when I was home. Unfortunately she was brought up spoiled and I continued it when we got married. But now I am not there to spoil her and she is getting frustrated that she has to do it all on her own. And likes to throw in that she doesn’t feel well of that she has chest pains. I use to feel bad for her and run all the time. Not anymore. She has to come to grips with her new reality. Again I say I don’t know how she thought this d was going to make her life easier and happy. She thought I was the root of all her problems and d me was going to get rid of those problems. But because she took me for granted she is starting to see life is not so easy and that I did a lot more than she gave me credit for.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 703
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Wolfman Offline OP
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My w has stooped to a new low. The other day she said she needed her w2. I figured it was for her to refinance the house. Since I did the taxes I’m the one who had it. So I brought it over the other day. Then she asked me if I was going to finish paying off her dad. Let me explain what happened here. When we bought this house 10 years ago, I wanted to put 20% down in the process I forgot about the closing costs and was going to be short money. So when we sat down and spoke about it, she said to ask her father to borrow the money which was $16k. So I sat down with her father and explained the situation and he said fine. So over the years we have been paying him back little by little. When we decided to separate a year ago we owed him $4k. So to do the right thing I paid her dad $2500 of my own money, a little more than half. Now come the other day she says to me instill owe her dad money. I said no I paid him my half actually a little more than my half I told her. She said but you owe him the rest. I said no the rest is up to you to pay. She said no that since I spoke to her father it is my responsibility now to pay him off. I said why should it just be my responsibility? He gave that money to US to help US pay for OUR home. So goes, yeah but since you asked it’s your responsibility. So I said that it’s not just my responsibility it’s yours too. That WE have been paying him for the last 10 years out of OUR checking account. But she just kept repeating herself and so did I. Then she said you will have to speak to my dad about it. I said sure no problem have him call me. Which then I got roped into a relationship talk. Which I know is a no no here.

In that talk the reason that she is divorcing me is so ridiculous. I know to her these are real problems but for the average married couple they are nothing. She said things like when she went back to work at night I didn’t text her which was only twice a year. That she felt like I didn’t love her or care. That when she would come home from work I wouldn’t greet her hello all the time. That I would just yell downstairs hello. The reason I told her I didn’t run downstairs I was in our office make business calls. It wasn’t like I was watching tv or playing video games I was working. She claims there was times she was crying in bed and I did nothing. I am telling all of you if wouldnhave seen her crying I would have comforted her. That I made a big deal out of the house being a mess. Again I am telling all of you my home would be a disaster for weeks, so yeah i would ask her to clean up HER stuff. That’s all but that made her feel like a maid. My bedroom was covered in clothes, shoes and bags. So what’s wrong with me asking her to please clean up our bedroom? Oh and she said all I cared about was money. Look the reality is we go to work to make money so we can pay the bills and do fun things. She is a spend aholic so yeah someone had to worry about money or else we wouldn’t have enough to pay the bills. During this tirade I validated her feelings and did not argue with her. The last thing is she said she told me that these things bothered her and I did nothing. Ow that we are here I care. And she says it’s too late. Last she said I see the changes but she doesn’t believe they will stay. I know I said it before, it’s so sad to me that she wants to break up a family over things that are very fixable. Anytime I brought all the ways I have helped her she would dismiss it like they were not important. How I took on a second job so we could afford the 5 vacations a year. How I would run to the supermarket after work so she didn’t have to food shop. How I did the landscaping to help us save money so we could enjoy more activities. Again I was a dedicated hard working husband and father. Did I have my faults sure. I have owned up to them and improved myself because of that. No m is perfect and there will be ups and downs, but she is so stuck on the negatives in our m then all the good that came from it and the fun we had.

Why do they get so stuck on the negative? What triggers this person that use to love is with all their heart paint is as a terrible person and only remember the negative? How does a recognize the changes but then continue on this destructive path? And the biggest one, why does it look like this doesn’t phase them in the least and I am the one suffering real bad? Why would they want to be a single parent instead of trying to work things out?

I know I need to let go and some days I feel fine and ready to move on, others my mind goes back to all these questions.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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