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Originally Posted by Rex11031
Regarding "YOU ARE NOT FUNDING HER ANTICS, PERIOD. Stand your ground on that."

So STBX is a housewife primarily, works 1-2hrs week just for something to do. I provide everything...car, home, insurance, spending money etc. Since her mom's passing this spring she has received an inheritance ($30k in May and $50k due around November - I know this because her sister told me (not my STBX) and because she owes me for her inheritance tax ($3600)). She has no willingness to share costs on anything except a meal now and then. She did demand that home improvements be done about 2 weeks ago and we go 50/50, but has gone away with no more talk of it. I give her $1k monthly for misc. spending. I usually get all groceries and household items.

Should I stop providing her $1k monthly?

I would consult a lawyer before I did anything.
Normally inheritance is NOT marital property unless it is co-mingled with marital funds.
Whatever you do now will be the basis of what could happen in the future.


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Originally Posted by Rex11031
Regarding "YOU ARE NOT FUNDING HER ANTICS, PERIOD. Stand your ground on that."

So STBX is a housewife primarily, works 1-2hrs week just for something to do. I provide everything...car, home, insurance, spending money etc. Since her mom's passing this spring she has received an inheritance ($30k in May and $50k due around November - I know this because her sister told me (not my STBX) and because she owes me for her inheritance tax ($3600)). She has no willingness to share costs on anything except a meal now and then. She did demand that home improvements be done about 2 weeks ago and we go 50/50, but has gone away with no more talk of it. I give her $1k monthly for misc. spending. I usually get all groceries and household items.

Should I stop providing her $1k monthly?


For now I would keep giving her the stipend. What I meant by not funding her antics is not paying for her to have her own place, or paying for her GGW (girls gone wild) drinking parties or trips or whatever. If you've been giving her a stipend then I would continue to do so unless things deteriorate to the point where you want her gone. If it gets to that point then like Cadet said, lawyer up first.

Also if she talks about getting a new car or any big ticket item like that, tell her you don't feel comfortable making any big purchases given the current status of your marriage. If she ends up leaving you are both going to be on shaky financial footing for a long time, so start preparing yourself now. This is the one thing I wish I had prepared myself for a little better. I make a good income and just assumed it wouldn't be an issue, but I went from spending whatever I wanted to having to place myself on a budget and keep close tabs on it. I amassed a lot of debt in a short amount of time before finally getting a handle on things.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by Cadet
A post that Sandi2 has put up - thanks

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to NOT bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.



Cadet- Is detachment simply put "I don't give a [censored]!", I'm kinda struggling right now between resentment and detachment. I just realized my STBX likely is having an EA with someone I considered a friend. STBX stated she wants "independence and freedom" and said "she believes our marriage is at an end". She also said "if you love me then let me go" and that "her love for me is agape love". WTF?

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Cadet- One more question...am I dealing with WAS or MLC situation...for record my STBX takes Zoloft.

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Also, should I continue wearing my wedding ring? By doing so does that signal to her that I'm clinging on to the past? Does not wearing it indicate that I'm moving on? Thoughts?

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Originally Posted by Rex11031
Also, should I continue wearing my wedding ring? By doing so does that signal to her that I'm clinging on to the past? Does not wearing it indicate that I'm moving on? Thoughts?


I took mine off, once I noticed my WAW did as well. We're in the same camp, I'm also about six weeks out from BD, and my wife separated last week.

It hurt, but what could I do? It made me feel like a fool in denial.


Me: 37, WAW: 32
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Originally Posted by Rex11031
Cadet- One more question...am I dealing with WAS or MLC situation...for record my STBX takes Zoloft.

It doesn't matter - your actions are the same.
Maybe it is both.


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Sorry to hear it...honestly, the idea of a separation/divorce was sometimes in my head, but the BD was crushing.

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Question...trying to follow the DB rules while living in same house but in separate bedrooms, I'm currently renovating a bathroom and I'm nearly done. She said today "Upstairs bathroom is looking good ...I can help you pick out mirror and lighting". I very much want to say "[censored] off!", but that doesn't align with the DB Rules....so what do I say?

Last edited by Rex11031; 06/27/19 07:29 PM.
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Definition of Agape Love.

Agape is universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. Unlike storge, it does not depend on filiation or familiarity. Also called charity by Christian thinkers, agape can be said to encompass the modern concept of altruism, defined as unselfish concern for the welfare of others. Recent studies link altruism with a number of benefits. In the short term, altruism leaves us with a euphoric feeling—the so-called ‘helper’s high’. In the longer term, it is associated with better mental and physical health, as well as longevity. At a social level, altruism serves as a signal of cooperative intentions, and also of resource availability and so of mating or partnering potential. It also opens up a debt account, encouraging beneficiaries to reciprocate with gifts and favours that may be of much greater value to us than those with which we feel able to part. More generally, altruism, or agape, helps to build and maintain the psychological, social, and, indeed, environmental fabric that shields, sustains, and enriches us. Given the increasing anger and division in our society, and the state of our planet, we could all do with quite a bit more agape.

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