What are some good books? (NON relational/self-help. My brain hurts lol)
Have you read Diana Gabaldon? Loved her Outlander series! Oldie but a great-y.
I know I bang on about my therapist - but at one point I mentioned reading some books from my childhood and she said that was actually a great idea. No triggers and all happy memories (I suffered a trauma early on). So I read the Ramona books and Little House series. It was a break and a breath of fresh air.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I love Donna Tartt. I'm a big reader - really enjoy crime and thrillers and also literary fiction. My concentration is still not what it was - I find it difficult to settle to anything right now - but I'm determined to get that part of myself back. Reading has always been such a comfort and solace to me.
How are you doing today Dilly? I don't know if you're still in contact with your H, and I know that not being often gets you spinning and gives you separation anxiety. In my experience, if you hold on to yourself and let that pass, you will get to the place where you are feeling freer and calmer and less interested in what he's doing or not doing - and then you'll be able to spend all that nervous energy on yourself and your own life. Hang in there. It might feel awful in the short term but it really is better for you to go through it rather than to sustain this semi-attachment to someone who does not respect or value you. You can do it.
Well I have had a rollercoaster few days. A nice evening away where I went to the pub and there were lots of nice people and music, a real community feel. That was lovely. A nice event yesterday where I went and worked with a group in a pub and then went and played pool with them and then had dinner with some of my new friends. One of them asked about H and I said I didn't wish to discuss him, the other group don't even know I'm married. When I see these people I'm just me, it's odd but freeing. A very tiring week particularly as I have been working super hard and trying to keep on top of housework and domestic stuff.
A few days ago some post arrived which was a new bank account H has set up in his name. Bearing in mind all of our accounts have been joint for nearly 30 years. A punch to the gut, particularly as he sent them HERE and not to his flat. He must have done this after his mystery week away. What a cruel and passive aggressive action, to not even warn me in advance. It sent me in a proper tailspin for a few days, particularly with some bad nights' sleep on top. I basically cried my entire IC session. Yesterday I pulled myself together and was remarkably calm. Being back home today is difficult though.
I've been pretending I didn't know to him. I met up with him for a quick drink before my other events yesterday. I was kind and validating and interested in his work stuff, he gave me a fond kiss goodbye. I must be a really good actress lol. He seemed uncertain and maybe even guilty (rightly so). He said he's coming back home tomorrow (well of course he is, he has post to pick up doesn't he) and he asked if I would be around and wanted to go for a walk. I said probably (I am not going to just up sticks and leave my home whenever he fancies coming round). But now I'm reconsidering, I'm thinking that this walk is for the purposes of another R talk where he says he needs more space or wants to formalise the separation, and I don't need that. I have so much stress in my life right now trying to meet my October work deadline, I cannot be dragged into any drama for a few months. I refuse to be dragged into any drama in fact, I need to focus hard on my work and on being a good enough mother and on looking after myself. If he insists on having an R talk where he says he wants to formalise things towards D then I think I will ask him to hold off until October. Tomorrow I think I am going to have other plans, I'm not sure I can face him without anger or sorrow. I can't work out whether this is cowardly or the right step.
Dilly. I need to get caught up on your sich. But I say, why emotionally destabilize yourself on someone that wants nothing to do with you at this moment in time? Go and make plans, and be healthy and happy.
I'm just catching up on the boards. I'm sorry for all that you are dealing with. I agree with IHCLAS, make plans, focus on you. The talk stuff can wait, and you are right, you don't need the added stress right now. I am inspired by your strength!
A little late to the conversation, but I agree, the loneliness is killer. Finding activities to combat it is difficult for me as some things just seem to be reminders that I am without my H. A trip to the beach with a friend was difficult as I sat and watched families and couples together. The same with dinner outings, shopping, etc. I think I'm doing well and them wham! it hits me and I am reminded of where I am today. I have joined a hiking club and no one is aware of my situation, and I think I will keep it that way. It gives me an opportunity to talk about something other than my H.
My H is coming over today and I had considered making plans so I would not be home, but there are some things that need to be done around the house. I think I will try my best to keep it casual and friendly and get the work done. I have really struggled with detaching, 180s and GAL. I lack the patience needed for my situation. When I notice something is going well I push forward, full steam ahead. Because of this, my changes are not genuine and my H knows it. Reading posts on this forum truly helps and the strength of others is inspiring.
I'm not sure all this fond kisses and drinks and pretending you don't know is doing you any good. You don't have to stop loving or wanting him, but you are entitled to a relationship based on honesty - and so is he. I think words are cheap at the moment, especially his. He might be pulling more stunts to get you back into line, he might be getting his ducks in a row for a divorce, or perhaps it's none of those things. If he wants to divorce you, you don't need to have a nice walk and listen to him whine about your faults and his feelings any more - he can just get on and do it. I would avoid being alone with him, forward his mail to his address via the postal service, and concentrate on yourself. I wouldn't entertain a second's conversation about it - even to ask him to hold off until October. He will do what he wants anyway, and you asking him for this kind of favour just entrenches him in power and you as his victim. Let him do whatever he wants.
Dilly you are a very perceptive woman and from the details you are posting it seems he is making baby steps away from you . How are you going to change this dynamic? Do what works, try different things, see what works and drop what doesn’t.
Have you tried being less available? Mysterious? Changed your hairstyle? Color? Push up bra ? New perfume ? Scandalous makeup?
Lol Tryhard, the fact that I wear makeup at all nowadays is scandalous, I never have before. Ditto the perfume, new clothes, sexy bras. I look pretty damn hot now I have to say. Plus I've lost a stack of weight (I wasn't overweight before but maybe carrying a couple of extra pounds I didn't strictly need) so I look blooming amazing in jeans I just need to focus now on eating enough because last week I lost my appetite again and felt dreadful, it was bad for my mood and I will be unhealthy if I lose any more weight.
What works: well that seems to have changed. Until now if I've asked him if he wants to meet for a lunch or a quick drink he has almost always said yes, but he has initiated that less and less over the months. I feel like if I don't ask him he will not initiate at all, and maybe that would be a good thing (it's not been that often, and it's been me saying 'I'm nearby for something else if you want a quick drink' and he's then made an effort to fit me in). But after his holiday he seems pretty determined to pull away more, there's little point me chasing because that will push him away. But me wafting off in a cloud of perfume and a nice dress last weekend drew little reaction from him, he looked hurt rather than like he wanted to pursue. I've taken him asking me for a walk tomorrow as a desire to R talk at me rather than a desire to spend time with me. But who knows, he's confused. I did thank him on Monday for sticking round to put the supermarket delivery away, I said I appreciated that and he then texted me a few times after that. I know appreciation is important to him but as I said to my IC, there is NOT much to appreciate about him right now!
Alison: TBH I don't know why I went for a drink with him yesterday, I think it was to establish some warmth between us because I feel he's putting me in the enemy box. So I showed him I'm not his enemy but also showed him I'm a strong, warm, sexy woman. Well, that was what I was telling myself anyway. It might have been dishonest but it felt like I was taking some power over the situation and showing him what he has to lose. I wouldn't start an R talk for anything, but he could R talk me on the phone if I don't see him, so I want to be prepared if needed. I think I have some lines from here 'that's a lot to think about, I'll need some time to consider', 'well that's not what I want, but I won't stand in your way'.
I am pretty disgusted by his behaviour, more that he didn't have the guts to tell me what would be arriving in the post to my address rather than the opening an account which he's entitled to do. Part of me wonders if he intentionally tried to hurt me by doing this to make me back off. Who knows. It's not the action of a healthy person, that's for sure, it's completely thoughtless at best and vindictive at worst. Part of me wants to just ignore it as him either taking an impulsive action or him deliberately trying to hurt me and responding will not help, and the other part of me wants to tell him to grow the F up. I think at this point that not engaging is the best policy. But then I do still struggle between assertiveness and agressiveness If he brings it up I will be asking him to change the address on the account and asking him for his address so I can forward correspondence to him.
Anyway, I'm off to get some work done, this October deadline is looming and scaring me! And I have made some GAL plans for next week already (an interesting talk, a yoga class, a run with a friend) so I want to get ahead with this project to make time for GAL stuff to keep me sane next week
Dilly , I understand the eating thing , it’s hard but I found protein shakes and lots of milk helped but I wouldn’t do weights unless you think he might like the Arnold swazernega look
I think the bank thing was just thoughtless, when’s it’s brought up I bet he will be surprised how it has affected you .
I’ve said this before but I want to hear you doing a special GAL activity. Bungee , abseiling, motorbike jumping , cow milking , sea fishing , jet skiing extriodinairre (sp) experience.
I just need to focus now on eating enough because last week I lost my appetite again and felt dreadful, it was bad for my mood and I will be unhealthy if I lose any more weight.