Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Gerda]

P.S. I just spoke to my L. he said he can't guarantee that the judge wouldn't allow H to move back! But he said that if they try to do so, we would file an order to show cause. This would be very expensive. I just can't believe that any judge would not see how terrible this was for our kids, let alone me, and would just tell him he had to get a job and a less expensive apartment for the interim, not move back!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

My old friend FEAR. Funny you should say that, or maybe not, perhaps it is expected.

Yes, fear is looked at as kind of a friend. A part of oneself. Dealing with it from that perspective is more productive that battling an unwilling and unyielding enemy. One doesn’t banish or vanquish their fears; one stops feeding them. They still exist, just not all consuming, nor all powerful. Concerns without the emotionally paralytic irrational response to that possible future.

With that in mind, let’s look at the intellectual and rational problem you face.

You state it is not the email that concerns you. Excellent! However, you are tying H’s email(s) to possible court decisions. Exactly what he is attempting to get you to do! His email highlights and threatens all the outcomes you fear - he is playing upon them.

I totally understand and empathize your fear about what the courts may decide and allow him to do. Please stop saying “terrified that he may come back”. Your mind is listening. Write and say “bravery”. Do not let this doofus of a husband/man belittle, bully, and push you around. And by the way, you allow that - and I’ve been there. People will treat us as we let them. Or more internalized and personal idea - people treat you as you see them treating you.

For example, in my role at work I do get criticized by others. I don’t (not try - don’t) take it personally. I see it as their viewpoint. And sometimes they are correct, and I need to make adjustments. Other times, they are just venting, or have their own problems, and it is complete projection - a response from them being held accountable and not wanting to be. Point being, how I approach it has a big affect on how I see it.

So, yeah, H is threatening, or asserting to assuage his fragile ego, or whatever. Let that go. Leave it. H has his problems and is going to project and lash out - detach from it. Whatever he does - will not affect you!

Hmmm. That’s pretty good. Just writing and talking to you, that just came out. Maybe write that down on one of those pieces of paper you carry around.

Whatever H does - doesn’t affect me! I control me!

So let’s get to the heart of this matter. The courts may allow him to come home.

Ok. Can you prevent it? Can you control what the courts are going to decide? It is guaranteed to happen?

This is out of your control. The courts will do what they will. You and your layer are doing the best you can, trust it to work out - even it is a more eventually it will work out kind of belief. Look, no one wins all the battles, but I am sure you are going to win the war. By the way, I’m not pushing the fighting analogy - the emotional side of it - just the business side of it. It’s pretty apt.

Is this feared outcome guaranteed? No. And this is interesting. If it is guaranteed, not much point in fearing it, as it will happen. (Weird, I know, I remember how things used to look). If it is not guaranteed, well that is why we uncouple our irrational attached feelings from that possible future event. No point being all fearful and paralyzed over something that may or may not happen - or over something that will for sure. Intellectually fear doesn’t make a lot of sense.

You can be concerned and have contingencies in event of something - power failures are a pretty good example. (Wonder why I would think of that. Oh yeah, really big storm yesterday, oh my goodness so many things to fix... but I digress, this about you and your situation).

So, if he is allowed to come home. Now, rationalize this. That will uncouple things. Will take away the terror.

The fear lay in certain possibilities you are obsessing over. However there are many more paths this could take, don’t overlook, or maybe more proactive advice, consider the other paths this could take.

H may not even want to come home. H might not even take this to court. H could change lawyer again. Etc.

If he does come home, you already got this dread all laid out for yourself. Choose better. Change it up. Kill him with kindness. The best revenge is you living a great life. I’m going to be open about this - I don’t like that saying. The revenge part. I’m not after vengeance - for me it was more give XW to God. Fate will (or won’t) have its revenge on her, I need not worry about that. But, from the MLCers point of view - your great life must look like a slap their face and there is nothing they can do about it. That’s the revenge part - Hey spouse you left all this good stuff.

So, if he comes home - roommate the h3ll of this. You and your kids lead and live a great lives (by the way do that no matter what H does) and leaving him to his. Treat him like almost a stranger. Make meals for you and the kids. Leave him. No laundry. Nothing. He will leave on his own accord. Who cares. You cannot control H, but you can let him make his own decisions - with maybe a little influence (perhaps).

This is all a possible future. I am going to guess you may even find the thought (see not feeling) of “killing him with kindness” rather a bit humorous and it would be kind of fun to implement (and fun being a rather bizarre “fun” that only we here would truly understand). The big idea here - You are not in fear. Thinking, seeing it, finding a different approach, altering the conditions - all intellectual car stuff and not emotionally driven. Nothing for fear to hang on to. Let it wither.

Some more “fun” intellectual stuff - Gerda standing up and living large. Don’t respond to his email. Who cares! He can contact your lawyer. Let his crap be auctioned off. By the way, it is him who is letting his stuff be auctioned off. You have it in writing that he knows - the items in storage “will be trashed Oct.1”. You have ample documentation of informing him of all manners of things. Let him have his consequences. Keep your lawyer in the loop, and you out of it.

There is no way you are going to be able to reason with H. Don’t try. Don’t even bother with his emails anymore, just straight to the lawyer. He is ramping up his fight and will try to mow down anyone or anything in his way. So get out of the way. This why you pay your lawyer.

Please advise about all

You need not advise him about anything.

He wants to be separate. Let him.

Gerda, see what the future brings, and deal with what happens. Yes, keep doing what you can to protect you and the kids, and detach from the emotions and fears that stir up.

I know the dark pit you are in. The fears and anxiety that dwell there. Look beside you, I am there, finger interlocked, a ready handhold, encouraging you to place your foot into it, to rise up and out.

DnJ

[Gerda]

DnJ, have so far read this five times and also sent it to my best friend who is facing something extremely hard (not marriage-related) today. She also loved it.

I gotta print this one out at Staples (no more ink budget for now) to add the papers I carry around.... (So funny that you remember that. Also points to the fact that my foibles can still seem endearing to some!)

OK, I accept your offer -- I am putting out my foot, glass slippered, please prepare yourself for the burden which is a couple pounds heavier than usual from all those nainnoooommaaaaiiii bars. I have a wicked cough so hopefully the broth diet will help. : )

I am still scared and have a lot of butwhatabouts ping ponging between my head and heart but I am going to just keep reading what you wrote and try to get there.

You are such a good friend, thank you.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Your enthusiastic post made my day.

I am glad it resonated with you.

I’ve got one small suggestion for you.

I am still scared and have a lot of butwhatabouts ping ponging between my head and heart but I am going to just keep reading what you wrote and try to get there.

You accepted my offer and I am making sure you have a good foothold.

By the way. S21 had cherry Nanaimo bars for his birthday. With ice cream. I also added chocolate sauce and syrup. Wow! So good.

DnJ

[job]

Gerda,

DnJ is absolutely correct...if he returns home, treat him as you would a roommate. The roommate takes care of himself/herself in all aspects of life. You only speak to him when necessary and if he speaks to you. reply in a calm voice and do not go to great lengths in discussions. Keep them short and to the point.

About the storage locker, you have advised him of where his stuff is and what he needs to do. It is not on you now to play mother and/or wife to him...he fired you in the wife department. Be sure to send your email about the storage facility and his response to your lawyer. No more emails and/or responses back to him except to say, you may address your concerns with my lawyer. You don't want to give him any more ammunition against you using the written word.

Take a huge breath and hold your head up high. Do not let him see that he is getting to you. I don't know how they do it, but they can sense our fear and will use it against us. Don't let him see you sweat.

Keep the focus on you and your children.

[Gerda]

I was very nervous going to court yesterday, so I literally forced myself to remember what you said about fear, DnJ. It helped a little. At one point in court I was texting a friend who was making jokes and I said I would like to laugh but may have to vomit, and he said that he would worship me if I was able to vomit on H's lawyer. This made me laugh but also helped me get detached, realizing that something that seems horrible, e.g., vomiting in court, would in this case actually be pretty awesome.

I can't even begin to explain what happened yesterday, it was the worst appearance yet. The screaming and the lying. H is threatening to come back Oct 1, and his L is going with it. At one point was screaming at me, "What floor do you want to take? Pick one! Which floor are you going to live on because he is taking the other one."

But his L told my L at one point that because of my letter to the friend's wife, they are not paying H's legal bills anymore!!! What a victory! And twice my H blew up and had to leave the court room (we were not on record, just battling on the side or with the court attorney) because he was so angry. I was just calm and looking at my book or my lawyer though a couple times I admit I had to plug my ears listening to the lawyers scream at each other. And at one point when H left the courtroom, his L leaned over to my L and said, "Please settle this case! I can't stand this guy anymore!"

The conference was adjourned to Oct 23 so as a result my H filed an emergency motion for me to pay his rent this month. I started by an offer of $0 per month, raised it to $1000 and finally to $1250. No go, he wants his whole rent paid and makes demands like me moving out and him running the rentals. Then the court attorney asked if I could pay his rent for Oct so he'd have 30 days to find a more reasonable apartment. I said I could try but H said no to that too, that I have to pay his rent til we settle, and it has to be that expensive apartment. Everyone keeps saying to him, Why don't you get a job? He proudly assets he has one and it only pays $18000 a year. Everyone keeps suggesting he work more than two days a week. Then more screaming. I keep pointing out that even if we put the house on the market right now, it will be 6 months to a year before he sees any money. More screaming and lying about me hiding money. I keep asking my lawyer to ask them for documents showing this mystery money and he keeps saying that that doesn't happen til trial.

It is so weird that this is legal, and that taxpayer dollars are going to enable the court to stand by while this goes on!

At the end they had closed the court for lunch and we were still trying to get H to agree to something reasonable out in the hall. And at one point, me and my L and his assistant were listening to H and his L literally screaming at each other around the corner of the hall until H stormed out of the courthouse. This is a huge beautiful 19th century building with many levels and galleries overlooking the spaces below that is always in movies and TV shows. So picture that while you are picturing this!

[sjohns6]

Oh my, Gerda! What a scene he caused! He really is showing his true colors. I have to admit, I almost laughed out loud reading that his lawyer asked your lawyer to settle cause he can't stand H. And I love hearing that his lawyer isn't being funded anymore. His unwillingness to get a job while insisting that you are hiding an imaginary pool of money really speaks to his mental state to a degree that anyone can see it without having to know anything about MLC.

I am so sorry that you have having to go through this madness, but despite how you may feel during it, i sounds like you are doing perfectly. Patients is definitely a virtue, and you have it in spades.

You are always in my thoughts and I am glad that DnJ and Job (and many others of course) are able to offer you practical advice. I'm afraid I'm more like a cheerleader while DnJ and Job are helping call the plays, lol. I'm happy to be your cheerleader!!

(((Gerda)))

[job]

I am surprised that the court hasn't insisted that he get a full time job within a period of time. There certainly doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with except he is a self-centered man who thinks he is entitled to having someone else bring home the bacon, i.e., like his parents would do when he was at home.

As for his lawyer, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he advises your h that he isn't going to represent him any longer. Lawyers do get very tired of clients not listening to what they are advising and eventually they will drop them. That is what happened to my xh. At the time of the first scheduling appointment, he shows up with a new lawyer from a different law firm. My lawyer asked my xh what happened to the other lawyer and he lied and she had left her law firm. Didn't make sense when there were three other lawyers at the firm that could have taken over the case. Bottom line, lawyers will take them on as clients for a while, but when the MLCer doesn't listen and makes them look like fools, that is when they will drop them as clients.

Very telling the way your h was carrying on. That little meet up out in the other area would make good TV series material.

Here's hope that you can find some peace very soon.

[kml]

This isn't just MLC. I really do think there is something wrong with your H's mental health and because of that. I would be very careful about your personal safety and that of your children. He's getting backed into a corner and that could make him very unpredictable.

[job]

I agree w/kml's posting. Please be careful around this man. MLC or not, when desperate people get back into a corner, they come out swinging.