CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: job] #2864240
09/06/19 12:43 AM
09/06/19 12:43 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 855
G
Gerda Offline OP
Member
Gerda  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 855
Hallo, Job -- Thank you, as ever, for your very thoughtful reply. You always give me something to chew on and leave me with some questions. So --

First of all, it's funny how helpful it was just to hear you say he is monstering. It's so weird how as the LBS doing this for so long, sometimes I can't even remember that he is monstering, but remembering it helps with detachment, as does your perspective on what he will do as this plays out. I keep thinking it's all about the money for him, so my question is -- do you mean that even when he gets his money he will keep trying to torment me like this?! Oh my gosh! I was thinking that a condition of our settlement would be that he can't take me to court again.

Next -- I did meet with a bankruptcy attorney at one point and he said that would end with an order to sell my house to pay off the debt. I am on a path to refi, and if it doesn't work, I will have to sell anyway, so that's already the plan.

Now about the difference between standing for marriage and standing for abuse and manipulation -- this is the line I have trouble walking. I don't talk to him at all anymore except to answer about kids and once in a while to propose that we try to settle instead of wasting more time/money on lawyers. I didn't post his answer to my last attempt, but he said that everyone knows that everything I do and think is a mirage and that he is willing to go "all the way" to get justice. I just can't believe that a person this crazy is allowed to use the courts in this way.

But anyway my point is -- I really am back into PTSD about seeing his name in my inbox and I am wondering if there is a way to set a boundary because he just won't stop, no matter how many times I say to stop sending abusive e-mails. I told him that if he did it again, I would be sending them to a friend to read for me from now on but I have not wanted to ask my best friend to do that and the only other person I can think of who would do it for me is that same male friend I mentioned before and our relationship is pretty complicated anyway. I don't actually read them in full most of the time but even just seeing them there makes me feel so nervous and anxious and sad about how my life ended up. When I am working or otherwise occupied, I don't think about H's treatment of me in e-mail or anything else, but when I am not, my mind starts whirring and I wake up always in a state of anxiety these days. I think also because things are so hard with my kids, it's hard for me to imagine that my kids and I could ever feel truly peaceful and happy and not so lonely and like a family again, I mean for more than an hour here and there, and I mean even if H never wakes up.

I am really rambling but my question is if you think it would be okay if I started having a friend answer anything he sends me so that he sees that I am really not going to accept the e-mails anymore. I am pretty sure that he would stop if I did that, because a couple years ago when I enlisted my brother it really knocked H for a loop. I don't want to enlist my brother again because he is a whole other can of worms. For a while I thought I should just collect them in case we go to trial, but I think it's time for me to worry about my mental health over any trial benefit, and lord knows I have enough crazy and abusive e-mails from him to fill a whole box of evidence.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2864277
09/06/19 11:08 AM
09/06/19 11:08 AM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 503
G
Grace21 Offline
Member
Grace21  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 503
Gerda - I'm sorry you are continually being attacked by your H. I know that feeling when you see an e-mail in the inbox. While my H doesn't have ramblings of a crazy person, he is starting to show more anger and panic.

Have you considered just hitting the delete button and trash permanently any e-mails that come in like that? Why read them? I'm not sure enlisting an outsider is the answer. To what end? Those ramblings really don't require a response, do they?

Anyway, my two cents worth. I've been out of the loop here for about a week as my stich is cranking up. I check in from time to time though, and you are in my prayers.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2864296
09/06/19 11:57 AM
09/06/19 11:57 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,623
D
DnJ Online
Member
DnJ  Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,623
Good Morning Gerda

Iím sorry youíre have so much fear and stress around Hís email. He does lash out among his overly worded writings.

Block him. Set up an inbox rule to automatically trash his email, or send it to a different folder. I prefer trashing them. Anything important is going to go through, and has to go through, the lawyers. All he is sending is threats and stress - you donít need that.

For the bit of communication regarding the children. Yes, until a formal agreement is in place some communicating will be required. Tell him to use the phone or messages (they canít be long rambling emails smile ).

I know of many ex couples who have to exchange kids less than amicably. No talking is required, they have a set schedule. Some meet at the police station to exchange, others use a third party service. No kidding. I had never hear about such a thing, an actual business where you drop off you kids, leave, then your X comings and picks them up. And then the other way around for next time. And so on. Very little communicating. There are some really angry people out there and boundaries are required.

As for standing:

I wrestled with the standing for my vows and commitment I promised. Keeping my word is really important to me. So at this point along my path Iím standing for me. Not standing for W, or XW, nor for my marriage, itís memory, or the dead marriage it is now. Iím not totally sure, but I think I'm not standing for God or my vow - although it amounts to the same.

I am standing for my beliefs - following them. They are honourable and live in the light. I am standing for me.

I let go of the concept of standing - the willing and meditated action to stand. I just live and have peace. I am not looking for anyone, nor not looking. I am willing to explore a new relationship and not needing too. Perhaps the meditated action of standing has alter my beliefs and it is now just something I do. As I said, Iím standing for me.

It took the actual divorce to get here. Iím unsure if I would have arrived without divorcing. The big D, isnít so big, and it is. And not in the ways you expect. Divorce really isnít worth all the fear and stress leading up to it. It can strengthen the LBS, free them. I still donít like divorce, or the ease of which it can be obtained, but that is another post.

Hoping you have a great day.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: DnJ] #2864308
09/06/19 12:49 PM
09/06/19 12:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,492
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,492
Southern Maryland
Gerda,

Your h sees you as the enemy, the enemy that has made him very unhappy. He sees you as controlling and being an authority figure and someone who keeps saying that there is no money or this needs to be repaired or that needs to be repaired. He wants to break free of all of that. He is going to continue to monster until everything has been destroyed of that "marriage" even if that means destroying your reputation in the process. He wants out the relationship and he wants his share of whatever the equity is and whatever assets you both have. He doesn't want to hear that there is no money. In his irrational mental state, he thinks that there is lots of money and that you are hiding it somewhere over that rainbow in a pot of gold. It doesn't matter to him what is in black and white.

I would venture to say that he will continue to act out even if the divorce is finalized because you have two children together. Your daughter, to him, is a possession, as he tends to favor her over her brother. He may continue to take you to court over the custody or because of his visitation dates that are assigned, but whatever the reason, I do think he's not going to go quietly. I am not telling you my opinion to get you upset, but I am trying to give you something to think about because this man isn't going to go quietly.

I agree with Grace and DNJ, block his emails or just send them to the trash bin. Do not involve others in this email mess. Next thing you know, he'll bring up some bogus charges against that person for responding for you. It's a good way to lose a good friend by involving them. Please do not do this.

I agree w/DNJ about divorce. I don't agree w/how easy it is to get one, but in a case such as yours, a divorce would certainly ease the pressure/stress that you are under and it will free you up to allow you to focus on you, your children and your career. Trust me, God would not have an issue w/a divorce in your situation. He doesn't want any of us to live in situations such as what you are going through.

Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2864584
09/08/19 06:19 PM
09/08/19 06:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,623
D
DnJ Online
Member
DnJ  Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,623
Hello Gerda

How are son and daughter liking this school year so far? Did they have school pictures yet?

I came home from work last week and found D17 wearing a rather skimpy outfit. Not really that bad - just the Dad thing to say. It did show her belly, the midriff as it is called. Ripped jeans, which are the style - who knew the hobo the back lane is a fashion icon. smile Anyhow, she informed me that it was picture day at school. She certainly was dressed up. My goodness she has grown.

How was the summer job for son? Did he like it? Did he learn some stuff?

It is clear skies and sunny here, and I hope your Sunday is going well and has good weather.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Grace21] #2865334
09/14/19 10:05 PM
09/14/19 10:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 855
G
Gerda Offline OP
Member
Gerda  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 855
Thank you for these replies, Grace and Job and DnJ. I do devour the replies when they are posted and read them several times over the next days, and then I get sucked into the maelstrom and don't post for a while.

About why I don't block -- at first it was to gather a file of them to use at trial. Obviously I have enough now, but then, because we have young children, I need to arrange visitation with him, and I like to keep a record of everything, esp since mostly he cancels or ignores anything about them -- even if it's something like S14 needing glasses.

I keep asking him to only correspond about visitation but all that has happened is that he still writes but copies his lawyer on everything. His e-mails are so out there, I guess his L realizes he is crazy but just loves to collect the billable hours. His L is very religious but I guess he does not see any conflict in encouraging this horror to go on in order to make as much as possible off of it.

It is an endless onslaught and all so very clear that this is a mind unraveling because I am not even sure what he is fighting for, as far as the D. He thinks I am hiding money but he has all the documents. He thinks the property is worth way more than it is worth, but the appraisal is coming soon. He even went into a fury that I put his stuff in storage, even though I packed it all myself, lugged it down to car and lugged it to storage place, paid the first two months. He wrote this long crazy e-mail about my need to control everything and how he wants the court to punish me for it.

And he called me "my ex-W" for the first time. That really cut my heart, I am not gonna lie.

When I do not have to deal with him, or when I am not hit with a wave of grief, my life is okay. S14 is doing a lot better -- still a mess but much less of a mess. So far has gone to school everyday on time except one day because he had a procedure done on his foot and couldn't walk that well. He is not really complaining about school that much, at least not like he used to, and he hangs out with his sister a little bit lately. There was a shoplifting moment but just a candy bar. He still talks about all those dark topics but he has been skateboarding all day with friends again and has not been playing video games on the PS 4 though he is still totally addicted to his phone and now needs glasses because of it. So he is not out of the woods but definitely it's not as intensely bad.

D10 cries a lot, is extremely needy (to the point that i lose patience and then feel terrible) and is unable to focus on academics (and also has some real learning disabilities) but also enjoys her best friends, etc.

I would say that both kids are suffering quite a lot but that they are walking through life with some fun and friends.

The finanical situation is really hard on all of us but I have not lost the house yet and have managed to feed everyone, even if everyone is mad at me for not being able to buy anything ever.

I spend a lot of time talking to God about everything. I am looking for His love in a new way. All this time I was looking for it by being good. Now I do not want to be good. I met with a priest recently, not my spiritual father but another one that just started at my parish and who is very young. The conversation was about adultery and annulment and all of that. It was a pretty upsetting conversation and made me think a lot about what my faith means. I realize that if I see this nightmare in any way as a test that I am not passing, I would not lose my faith but I would not follow God anymore. I know that God is love, that is what brought me to Christ. So I am trying to live what that means and sometimes I am very lost because I can't understand it. I thought a lot about the way I am with my son, and how much I love him even when he refuses to follow my "rules" or just in general to make bad choices. I get sad about what his life would be but I don't stop loving him. So that is where I am now. I may not be being clear but I don't want to give all the details! But this relates to what Job says -- I don't think God in any way would "have a problem" with my divorcing because I don't want one, even now. I am just being forced into it. And of course I total separation financially and also physically for now. But the issue is what will happen to me after this. The issue is standing, and what I do while I am standing.

In that way, DnJ, maybe you and are in the same place. Except that I think if someone wonderful came into your life, you would love her with your beautiful loving soul/heart and that would make your choice for you. For me I don't want a blended family or any of that. But I have considered some far less serious possibilities and don't know anymore what I will do. DnJ, I am writing the least in response to your posts, but you know your posts are to me the pinnacle. I was especially touched this time that you posted, and then you came back to check on me, like always. (And bare midriff, that is my terror for when D10 does that!) Yes, I was looking and yes, it helped me feel less alone when I saw that you posted, and came back to check on me with your cheerful how-do-you-do second post because you knew I was low. Oh and yes, the job for S14 was AMAZING. Transformed him, it was so amazing, and finally some wonderful men came along who cared and helped me with my son, so we were both so happy about it. But it was at the island just for two weeks, I need to find something comparable back here in the city.

OK, that is my update. When is our reunion? : )

Last edited by Gerda; 09/14/19 10:13 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2865373
09/15/19 03:49 PM
09/15/19 03:49 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 503
G
Grace21 Offline
Member
Grace21  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 503
Gerda -

I haven't checked in with you in about a week. Really haven't been here much at all. But, I'm glad to read your update and that your son is doing better.

Originally Posted by Gerda
But this relates to what Job says -- I don't think God in any way would "have a problem" with my divorcing because I don't want one, even now. I am just being forced into it. And of course I total separation financially and also physically for now. But the issue is what will happen to me after this. The issue is standing, and what I do while I am standing.

In that way, DnJ, maybe you and are in the same place. Except that I think if someone wonderful came into your life, you would love her with your beautiful loving soul/heart and that would make your choice for you. For me I don't want a blended family or any of that. But I have considered some far less serious possibilities and don't know anymore what I will do



I also do not want a divorce. Even now. But, I also have decided that I will not tolerate such disrespect that H has shown me in buying a property with his girlfriend and taking such a sum of money without having the ba*** to tell me first. I want a completely fulfilling life. I am almost there, but staying married under these circumstances is not allowing me to achieve it fully. I will be filing for D this week or next. I am at peace with my decision. I have also decided to not worry about "standing". It will evolve as God directs me, and I am at peace with that. I hope you will find that peace too.


Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2865424
09/16/19 02:52 AM
09/16/19 02:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,623
D
DnJ Online
Member
DnJ  Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,623
Hello Gerda

A very nice update.

A favourite part of mine:

Originally Posted by Gerda
When I do not have to deal with him, or when I am not hit with a wave of grief, my life is okay.

Originally Posted by Gerda
...my life is okay.

I am happy to hear that S14 is doing well. The two weeks of working on the island does seem to have had an effect. I agree with you, it would be great to find something back at home in the city.

My kids worked in the local grocery store. The store closed at 6:00pm so no late evenings. They could work after school or Saturday and still have time for school work and fun. Hopefully something similar is available for students where you live.

Glad to see son is going to school, playing with friends, and even spending time with sister. These are the little steps that accumulate into something big. Keep guiding him, gently.

Iím sorry about D10. Yes this is hard on the kids. I think daughter will emerge from all this a caring and kind young woman - she does have a good role model in you. Stay strong.

I totally get your questions of what do I do while standing? From a dear friend - you have to get through what is in front of you first. H is bent on his path, and you and the kids are in the way. When this is behind you, things will be clearer. Then figure out standing.

I found that temptations are very real and large. Strong emotions stir up to fill the void from an exiting spouse. Feelings do flit. Doesnít make them any less real, and in my experience I am still tempted - it is just down to size.

Gerda, you are strong. Stay the course and get through this. Let the feelings subside and find your beliefs, the ones you want. Follow them.

I like what Grace said about not worrying about standing. It will evolve the way it is meant to.

I also like what you said about someone wonderful coming into my life. My squishy heart beats strong. And I do wonder if I will give it to someone again.

Two weeks. Bravery written on your calendar for that day. Stay strong. You got this.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Grace21] #2865984
09/21/19 12:40 AM
09/21/19 12:40 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 855
G
Gerda Offline OP
Member
Gerda  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 855
Grace, I think your approach make sense, and I do want peace.

But I think it's a little different because I am on year 7. Letting it evolve for that long is wearying. The not knowing, and now, to start over with a whole new level of monstering. My relationships with male friends have become more confusing because I have been unattached for so long. Your BD was in 2018 and my BD1 was in 2013. It has been a long time of patiently waiting and battling my will. And I have tried so hard to develop another life of fun and connections for me and my kids and it just never really happens. So the loneliness is sometimes staggering.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2865986
09/21/19 12:52 AM
09/21/19 12:52 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 855
G
Gerda Offline OP
Member
Gerda  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 855
DnJ, I am battling your old friend FEAR. I got this e-mail from H today. It's not the e-mail that concerns me. It's that I am terrified that the court will say he is allowed to come back. I can't tell if he is threatening me just to intimidate me or to keep control of this situation, to assert his manhood or what, but it is now coming to what I kept warning my L would happen, that he is going to try to come back.

The part about the storage is so bizarre. I have told him about his stuff being in storage for two months and now he has the car, so he is the only one who could deal with it anyway. He never paid the bill and finally I told him that by the third month they will auction his stuff if he doesn't pay for it. Rather than just go to the storage and take his stuff, he keeps demanding inventories and writing this vicious notes about me controlling everything.

Anyway, here is the letter. I am ready for a DnJ pep talk addressing my fear that the court will say he is allowed to come back.

Gerda, (First Name of his L) -

Cooler weather has arrived, and the semester has arrived, and therefore I am going to need access to my books, and my non-summer clothes.. among other things. And because I assume that some of these items are in storage, and some are not, I will require access to my own to home to be able perform a satisfactory inventory. But moreover do recognize that I hardly could retrieve my possessions (and also recognize that the items in storage "will be trashed Oct 1," says Gerda) without being certain that I will have a place, a home, to put them in beginning Oct. 1: for as of now -- as I have not heard a response about a new interim agreement -- it's looking like I will be returning to marital home on Oct. 1 until the date that an equitable distribution settlement has been struck. Please advise about all
- H


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004