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A Message from Michele
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Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2861704
08/17/19 12:43 AM
08/17/19 12:43 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Gerda

A walk on the beach in moonlight - that sounds lovely.

ďAbout the restĒ...

It is interesting that you didnít (donít ?) believe me. I do understand the temporary inability for one to see their accomplishments and accept positive feedback. And yes the low confidence level, I remember that well.

Iíve been in the ocean of non-confidence, sunk low in the numbing waters, skin wrinkled with exposure, like too much time in the tub. I felt like a fraud. My confidence with my skills at work were very low, even with otherís positive comments about them. My parenting felt fraudulent as well. It was difficult to see my way out of that.

Rise out of the water and let the drops fall upon the beach.

Originally Posted by Gerda
...I noticed that I did not believe you. I was thinking that either I must have sounded terrible before, and this seemed almost humiliating, or that you were just trying to be supportive and that it wasn't true! I could not actually take it at face value.

I am supportive of you. I believe being untrue isnít being supportive.

Please donít feel humiliated, you didnít sound terrible before - you just sound better and better.

When I look back at my thinking and feelings I just have to laugh at myself. Yes, it is a bit humiliating - at first. Then I accept where I was and how messed up and hurt I was. Oh, the things I thought and believed. Lol.

Gerda, you have nothing to be humiliated for! Just look at what youíve live through, struggled through, and still shined in spite of it all. Rise up, youíve earned it.

Originally Posted by Gerda
...when someone says, "you look pretty," we want to explain all the things that are in fact not pretty

You know the big stop sign the MWD talks about? Use it here. Accept that you are not what your H projects, not even close.

Gerda, Iíve read your posts for quite a while. Even between the lines. smile I think I know you fairly well, the person on the other side of this screen. The inner you.

You are pretty.

And donít give me a list of how you arenít. Or a list to yourself either. Make a list of how you are.

- - - -

We are sitting again just two enjoying a drink and snack. In person would definitely cut down the lag time between our responses.

I am sorry for how burdened you feel regarding whatís happened to S14 and the events unfolding.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I am dreading the present times with him and I am dreading the future outcomes.

Dreading.

I hope you know Iím here for you, if you want to share whatever fears you at this moment feel you can. Honestly, getting them out in the open does lessen their power and hold considerably. Fear doesnít survive well in the light.


Stand on the beach, droplets dripping and running down your skin. The numb waters shedding their hold upon you. In time the light will invigorate and warm you, all the way to your insides. Your confidence will build and return, affecting all aspects of your life.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2862373
08/22/19 05:05 AM
08/22/19 05:05 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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DnJ, I didn't answer yet as there was so much in there -- and of course the many fires to put out when I got home.

I don't know if you read what actually happened on the moonlit walk, I posted it only on Grace's thread. It was an all-night wrestle with God, Jacob-to-Israel style. When I think of the silver light on my skin and on the sand and how I was yelling at God and crying but so full of His presence and the beauty of the ocean lit silver -- I feel an intense joy, even though my talk with God was extremely despairing and did not end with any new understanding or peace. But when I left the beach at about 3 am, the moon that had been filling the world went behind a cloud, and it was all dark and stayed that way my whole walk home and into bed, adding to my feeling that God had appeared just for those moments.

Obviously I loved what you wrote, especially the parts that you knew I would. I thought for a while if you really do know the person behind the screen, or if any of us could really know each other. We do put our worst selves here at times, and our best selves, so I suppose we see a lot, even the humiliations in that way help us to know each other. But we are as long distance as many of the MLC'ers and their OP's. Just, hopefully, unlike them, no lies, lots of truths. Even the ones we leave out or leave between the lines.

I am not sure I even want to be the kind of woman who makes those positive lists. But I do want to find peace. Lately the loneliness is INTENSE -- I find it is worst just in terms of being a single mom and struggling to do things all on my own, all the time though it is also for me now the feeling that I am tired of never having a man to love, let alone to love me. But for example -- even just like putting together a bed I brought from our upstate rental back to the city -- I painted it a really pretty color and painted a little heart on the side so I could put it in D10's room. (I had to take her bed into the other floor for the rental I created out of our lower floor so she was sleeping on a mattress on the floor.) And then I couldn't put it together and it sat for days as a reminder that I am alone with no H and no family to help and it was depressing me so much!

And then tonight I finally figured it out and put it together at last myself. She is sleeping on it now. Victory!

But it would be nice to sit here with some tea/coffee and naaimmooooonooanano bars talking about it. I think we should do it but let's invite Grace, SBJ, SJohn and Gordie. And bring your kids, they can walk around the city while the grown-ups unpack the ghosts of MLC-past and build up visions of our futures for a couple of hours.

Last edited by Gerda; 08/22/19 05:09 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2862378
08/22/19 07:48 AM
08/22/19 07:48 AM
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Posts: 524
Wales
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Westo Offline
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Wales
Just popped in to your thread as I was answering Bttrfly on mine.

I just want to say how amazing I think you are. You really have been through H£ll over the last 7 years and still are.

I think if it wasnít for your faith you would have folded years ago. Iím so very proud of you building the bed, I know how daunting these things are when you donít have a man to do these things, but.....you did it!

You are in my thoughts a lot. Keep going...you are fabulous.

Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2862513
08/23/19 01:58 AM
08/23/19 01:58 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Gerda

Originally Posted by Gerda
...the kind of woman who makes those positive lists

Well, Iím glad you arenít going to go all narcissistic. Haha. I just hope you know there is a list of pretty fine qualities about you, and it is ok to knowledge them - every now and then. smile

Yes, I did read about your moonlight walk on Graceís thread.

Bright moonlight shimmering, reflecting, off the calm water. Your skin aglow in the silver light. One on one time with God. That sounded like a special and lovely time.

I do remember that intense loneliness, and the struggles of being a single parent. As you well know, mine happened all in one night. Kind of like getting knocked out and when I came too I was alone, everything was chaos, and I had absolutely no help from my seemingly hours earlier loving spouse. smile Actually, it was just like that.

Gerda, you will get through this. Yeah, the single parent stuff is rough. And leads to some really wonderful moments and strong lifetime bonding with oneís kids.

That struggle to do all this on your own, I get it. Sometimes we just donít have enough hours in the day. So, donít sweat the small stuff. And the bigger stuff - you will figure it out. Just like building that bed. Boy oh boy, the stuff Iíve had to learn how to do. XW and I had our predominantly blue jobs and pink jobs around the house, now they are all purple jobs. smile

Your successful construction of D10ís bed, is great, and yes it is a victory. As the victories keep accumulating the struggle becomes less and less.

Coffee, tea, and Nanaimo bars, enjoyed with friends sounds great.

Originally Posted by Gerda
...while the grown-ups unpack the ghosts of MLC-past and build up visions of our futures for a couple of hours.

This had me thinking. It is really quite profound.

I realized my ghosts arenít packed away anymore. They are always out. Iíve embraced them. Dared them to try to scare me. Hugged and held them in the full light. They arenít even an annoyance anymore. Once in a while there is a faint boo, which withers pretty quickly. It is just the past, just life.

I can talk about XW, my situation, heck even met OM face to face, and go about my day.

I wonder when I unpacked my ghosts and chose not to pack them back away. Or did the ghosts just lose their scariness.

What a cool and strange realization, thanks for that.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2862557
08/23/19 02:12 PM
08/23/19 02:12 PM
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Grace21 Online
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Hello Gerda -

I am on the patio at my parents home enjoying a cup of coffee, a blanket draped over my shoulders to ward off the chilly morning air. The day is setting up to be spectacular. I'm catching up on my friends lives. My friends here.

Congrats on getting the bed put together and in your daughter's room. Relish in the small achievements. I believe all of these things that happen throughout the day are what gives us joy. Each one seems so insignificant - the laugh at a joke, hanging with the kids, baking a batch of cookies, or cleaning out a room to re-purpose it. But put together, they make up a life. Your life. And it will be wonderful again.

(((Gerda)))


Let me know when you are having us all over. I'd love to come.

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Gerda] #2862616
08/23/19 09:59 PM
08/23/19 09:59 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 268
Texas
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I would definitely join you guys if you got together for a meet up!!

Gerda, I know exactly how you are feeling. This stuff is pretty hard sometimes. Always remember that you have friends that think of you often and know what you are about. There are days that I log in just to see how you are doing. You have people giving you great advice that I can't really add much to, but I do like to keep up with how you are doing.

(((Gerda)))


Me: 41 yrs
W: 39 yrs
Together: 21 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 15 yrs
Daughter: 13 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Westo] #2863118
08/28/19 03:13 AM
08/28/19 03:13 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Westo, I read your post some days back, and then I read it probably ten more times, it gave me such a lift. I have no idea what you are seeing that makes you say those nice things about me, but it is very nice to hear/read, and it really made my day that someone I admire so much thinks that about me. I know it will be very far for you, but you will have to come to the reunion we are planning. : )

Also I did look up the show you mentioned and saw a couple of very funny clips and now I know what you sound like and also what was the beginning for James Corden! (right?)

Last edited by Gerda; 08/28/19 03:15 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: DnJ] #2863122
08/28/19 03:32 AM
08/28/19 03:32 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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DnJ, I always need a while to chew on your posts. Much like a naniammoaooooooooo bar.

I think your vision of me in the moonlight might be based on your possibly romanticized vision of me and of moonlit beaches and the potential therein. The silver moonlight, yes, the presence of God, powerfully yes -- but the girl in question was covered in tears and snot and sand, wind whipping her hair into a Medusa snake head and she is screaming at the sky and digging her fingernails into the grit. I like that image too. But I don't think it was very pretty.

I am very glad your ghosts are walking about in daylight and no longer scaring the bejoozumps out of you. Me and the ghosts are still wrestling nightly. And sometimes in daylight. I am not sure I am scared of them. But I do not have peace from them or for them or with them. I still fight them. But I forced myself, DnJ-style, to change the listing on my calendar for my next court date. Usually I wrote, "Horror." Or "Crucifixion." But I forced myself to write, "Bravery" on the next date. September 29, if you want to invite my ghosts over for tea that day. Bravery.

So when you come over with the gang for MLC Purge Weekend, you will need to bring some of your electrical equipment from work, as well as your work boots and your green cape, Ghostbusters-style.

This comedic interlude has been brought to you by SAD SACK.

P.S. This post was edited by Gerda. Reason -- she realized, yes, she is still scared of the ghosts. Still in denial. Still do not understand what God is allowing or why.

Last edited by Gerda; 08/28/19 03:34 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: Grace21] #2863124
08/28/19 03:37 AM
08/28/19 03:37 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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Grace, my dear, I loved the thought of you with a cup of coffee catching up with me. You are in my mind very similar to my prayer partner in Texas, I just know you would love her. We stood together after meeting in FL at Rejoice and then her H came back after her two-year stand. But once she sent me a photo of herself enjoying her morning coffee, and on the mug read the words, 'NOT TODAY, SATAN." She sent me one because I loved it so much. So I am picturing you drinking out of the same one.

As for the reunion -- consider this a permanent invitation, with or without the rest of the gang. I wonder if you have figured out where I live yet.

Last edited by Gerda; 08/28/19 03:41 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels [Re: sjohns6] #2863127
08/28/19 03:39 AM
08/28/19 03:39 AM
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Gerda Offline OP
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SAM, sjohn, I assure you that your checking in even with nothing particular to say is as just as helpful/valuable/wonderful as any advice anyone might give. I think everyone here is mostly looking for understanding friends, which are hard to find IRL, even when we have loving friends. NO ONE understands MLC except here. I am so touched and happy you care enough to follow my thread. I feel the same about you/yours.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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