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Gerda Offline OP
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Last thread ends with a letter you might want to read if you want your brain to explode.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2839964#Post2839964

I am happy to report that though things appear colder and more impossible than ever, angels are ministering to Gerda, and some of them are reading this right now, so thank you!

There stood poor Gerda, without shoes, without gloves, in the midst of cold, dreary, ice-bound Finland. She ran forwards as quickly as she could, when a whole regiment of snow-flakes came round her; they did not, however, fall from the sky, which was quite clear and glittering with the northern lights. The snow-flakes ran along the ground, and the nearer they came to her, the larger they appeared. Gerda remembered how large and beautiful they looked through the burning-glass. But these were really larger, and much more terrible, for they were alive, and were the guards of the Snow Queen, and had the strangest shapes. Some were like great porcupines, others like twisted serpents with their heads stretching out, and some few were like little fat bears with their hair bristled; but all were dazzlingly white, and all were living snow-flakes. Then little Gerda repeated the Lord’s Prayer, and the cold was so great that she could see her own breath come out of her mouth like steam as she uttered the words. The steam appeared to increase, as she continued her prayer, till it took the shape of little angels who grew larger the moment they touched the earth. They all wore helmets on their heads, and carried spears and shields. Their number continued to increase more and more; and by the time Gerda had finished her prayers, a whole legion stood round her. They thrust their spears into the terrible snow-flakes, so that they shivered into a hundred pieces, and little Gerda could go forward with courage and safety. The angels stroked her hands and feet, so that she felt the cold less, and she hastened on to the Snow Queen’s castle.

But now we must see what Kay (aka H) is doing. In truth he thought not of little Gerda, and never supposed she could be standing in the front of the pa
lace.


Last edited by job; 09/28/19 04:24 PM. Reason: Removed link to another site.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda Offline OP
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Westco, Job, DnJ, Grace -- Thank you for all the love, support, understanding -- and validation.

I know he is crazy but in between knowing I forget and think that the real H is going to reappear. So I need my warrior angels to remind me.

But I do want to tell you that I wasn't trying to convince H of anything. I know I can't get through to that addled mind. I just wanted it in writing for our next conference that I had tried to explain to him that this interim set-up was too hard on the kids so that I would not have to keep doing it. And I figured that if he wrote back something crazy, that would only help prove my point that only one of us is trying to do what is best for the kids.

I don't think I ever explained the court part of things. There is no settlement. This is just a little interim measure I used to get H out. We worked out custody, not what I wanted but apparently better than I could hope for if the judge decided. And so far H didn't take almost any of the visitation he demanded. He also wrote me a crazy e-mail saying that the court did not expect him to follow "the letter" of the agreement until we were actually divorced, not realizing how bad he is going to look if I ever get a guardian for the kids. The judge doesn't seem to care about anything but even she might look askance at that. S13 refuses to see him or talk to him and H keeps writing him very crazy texts and once used D10's phone and pretended he was D10 inviting S13 to hanging out with her and H. But so far not a penny of child support. H makes hardly any money but I want that child support, even if it's a hundred bucks a month! I sometimes don't even eat a meal because I am so broke! I also think that being forced to give up some of his pay will make him more likely to make a settlement with me about the rest. My L was trying not to force that because he wanted to negotiate a global thing but I realized that my L also wants to look good in front of judge for his own sake, and that means doing a lot of settling without motions. So I started digging in until he understood that I was getting that child support no matter what. Now he is demanding it and we may have to file a motion.

Then at the last conference, I told my L that all I cared about was getting H out of the house before I or my kids had a nervous breakdown. I offered 2K a month off his eventual share of the asset/debt split because I knew I could make that much by renting out half my apartment 1/3 of the time. I figured my kids could take that. He demanded 4500 a month and I said no. And at court, in the hallway during "negotiations" his L was screaming that I was hiding money and make 30K a month on our rentals. All the other lawyers and clients in the hallway were staring at him, he was so enraged and nasty. I don't know if H told him that lie or he made it up, but I understood that if I didn't agree to something, I would have to keep living with H until the actual divorce, and that is going to take a while because there is so much debt, discovery, appraisals being demanded by his L. I would need to go to trial to prove all these things are lies. His L just keeps racking up the billable hours since H's friend (my kids' godfather) is funding the legal fees. So I agreed to give him 5K the day he moved out but said it had to be June 1, and 3K a month after that until September. They tried to call this money spousal support!!!! I dug in. They agreed to call the 5K an advance on assets but the rest they would only agree to call "unallocated." So in desperation to get him out, I agreed to this Rumplestiltskin nonsense. I spent all my savings getting the rental ready. And I had to pay $500 of his parking tickets, get a storage space and move all his crap, then my kids both had to go to docs out of pocket as I am still working out insurance through the state, etc, etc. So I put all those things in my note to H to make it clear that this is totally untenable and wrong for the kids, and that he would need to work to pay his own bills til we finalized our settlement. I knew it wouldn't work on him but I wanted to be able to show the court that I tried.

WHEW that was long.

I noticed today that I have more moments of joy. I am still really sad about the family part of things but it is so great not to have to encounter H. I walk around my city and remember how much I like it, am enjoying my work, especially at the prison, feeling a tiny bit attractive once in a while and just more confident, remembering that Gerda was always a tough cool girl.

XOXO to you ALL.

Last edited by Gerda; 06/24/19 05:01 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda Offline OP
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Oh SBJ, I just saw your post, missed that the first time. Thank you for stopping by, I always get a little lift when I hear from you! (SAM!)

I think though that H is not trying to show me my faith is BS. He is trying to show me that he is doing what God wants. It's funny that what he said about free will is true. He is just forgetting that God allows us free will but wants us to align it to His will, not our own! I allowed myself to fantasize for a few moments that I would write back to him with a list of people who had exercised free will that would include Gandhi and St Paul but also Hitler and Judas. But don't worry, I didn't answer at all.

How are you doing these days, SBJ?


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda, I know what you mean with the "FW" conversation. I just had a heated conversation with 2 friends Friday night about FW and what is means or should mean to us. One of them is in the Diaconate program currently and the other is planning on beginning the next go round. Not heated in a bad way, but in a learning kind of way. My w used the same kind of psychology on me by saying that God has given her peace in her decision to divorce. So that is saying that he is going against his will to make her happy...makes no sense to me.

I am doing ok I think. I have been ramping up my exercise. I bought a road bike and have been putting some miles in every week. Working towards multiple goals. There is a 150 mile race in April from Houston to Austin called the MS150 that some friends want me to ride with them. I also have a personal goal of doing a 100 mile ride for my bday in November. And last but not least, I have a strange curiosity about doing triathlons. I have a friend that has done an Ironman distance and he is going to help me with my swimming to get me more familiar with race swims instead of just recreational swimming. We will then get into putting them all together.

I find that spending an hour to two hours on the bike by myself allows me quite of bit of time to think and converse with the big guy upstairs. I also ride with a group of men that have gone thru the d process and are all at different points in life. I think that I am the only stander, but it doesn't bother me.

Sorry to hijack your thread, but you asked....haha!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Playing the free will card. Yes, we all have free will. That is a gift from God. God doesn't want us to align ourselves with his teachings under duress. The free will is so we turn towards Him because we want to. We chose to.

Originally Posted by Gerda
I noticed today that I have more moments of joy.


This made me smile. Many more such moments are to come. Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to noticing them.


M: 56
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S: 22
D: 20

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Hello Gerda

Thank you for sharing the court stuff - the interim measures. I had thought there was a settlement in place. Oops, sorry about that, my mistake.

I totally get you making these arrangements to get him out of the house. I sure wouldn’t want to see you have a nervous breakdown. It is nice that custody is figured out, and more favourable than the likely outcome if it went to court.

I am guessing that by September a more permanent arrangement is to found.

How far along are the renovations? It sounds like you have a good plan for digging out of this mess. Clearheaded and stable looks good on you. smile

Glad to see and hear about those moments of joy in your life. Your work, the reading at the prison, walking around the beautiful city - it is so wonderful when the good memories and happy times come back.

Originally Posted by Gerda
...feeling a tiny bit attractive once in a while and just more confident, remembering that Gerda was always a tough cool girl.

Yes!

Gerda, you are doing very well. And are definitely on my list of people I believe in.

(((Gerda)))

DnJ

Last edited by DnJ; 06/26/19 01:56 AM.

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It is nice to read that you are having moments of joy and feeling like your old self! As we heal those moments grow and grow.

The d process will be very difficult with such an unreasonable person. It will be a slog but being free of his heaviness will continue to be such a relief.




Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hi Gerda. Just stopping by to check up on you. Hope your renovations are progressing nicely and that you are finding moments of peace within your storm.

Hugs.

Grace


M: 56
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S: 22
D: 20

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A huge hug to Grace and HaWho and DnJ and piles of salt water taffy by way of thanks (I just ate a lot of that at the beach) for visiting my thread and thinking of me.

Things have been hard hard hard. I haven't had the energy to write about it. I do have those moments of light and joy and many dark ones lying on the floor.

And I have court on Tuesday, so please, all you mantle-sized friends, line up and jump into my pocket or purse that day.

I'll catch up on my sitch one of these days... I just gave myself a pep talk on Nyla's thread actually.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Praying for you Gerda. You are warrior strong! You will look back and marvel at all that you accomplished.

Breathe and take it battle by battle.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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