Been awhile...

[ciluzen]

I don't know if anyone remembers me, but this board was literally a life-saver and I thought I'd check in to see if I knew anyone. Hey to those I've spoken with and nice to meet those who are new!

It does get better if you let it.

I found the MLC part of this board not too long after joining in fall of 2015 (so long ago!). My husband of 26 years had announced he "was done" two weeks after my oldest daughter was married. He moved out 2 months after that. I lost 50 lbs, couldn't stop shaking and lost a lot of hair (luckily I had a lot to spare). The whole time he would call and check on me or show up at the ski hill we would go to and be like a couple again. I implemented the strategies here and even made friends ( who I still have!) that had nothing to do with him and learned to make a life without him. He had filed for divorce in Jan of 2016 and, through mediation, we were divorced by November of that year. I would say it was amicable, but that seems to disregard the hurt involved. There was a LOT of hurt...and confusion. I think on both of our parts.

For those who remember me, I had to think fast about what to do with my life. I entered a masters program for marriage and family therapy as I was bent on understanding how our "wonderful" marriage had blown up and I had started out years before in psychology. The whole process felt like a do over. I'm happy to say I just finished this May (4.0 !) and was asked to go into private practice under supervision from one of my professors in a brand new office. i didn't even have to look for a supervisor or apply for jobs! I am so thankful for all of the good things that have happened; too many to list but being open to possibilities has become my way of approaching everything and it seems to work.

Now, about ex-husband...we go for a beer every once in awhile and talk every week or so. I have no idea what he says about me, but I know he is still attempting to figure himself out. There is a lot of fear of what others think of him and trying to get what he wants while telling himself a narrative that is negative, assumptive, and full of fear of rejection. it all points to low sense of self worth. He basically works six days a week and parties when people come up to his river house. He has admitted to feeling used by his friends and seems either sad or forced happy. Depression is real and once someone feels a lack of self worth, their entire worldview is colored grey.

I have tried to show him I am there for him and he is feeling safer to call when he needs a shoulder or a voice when he is low, but unless something drastic happens and he seeks therapy for himself, he is not my guy. The glamour of co-dependence is off. I still love him and am still there for him, but I see a sad little boy who just wants connection to people, but doesn't know what to ask for other than "please play with me." He will not allow people in to his emotions and guards them strongly or pushes them away.

As I said, this forum was a life-saver for me while newly separated, going through divorce and trying to figure out life. But the thing that really helped me to understand what happened to our marriage was being trained in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT but not the "tapping"). Highly recommend it. It is all about getting to the core needs of the partners and allowing them to vulnerable enough to share with each other.

[R678]

Hello ciluzen,what a Wonderful post, you sound as though you’ve definitely found peace and have your life sorted out . I hope one day to be in the same peaceful place as you are. Thankyou for that .oh and welcome back

[Grace21]

I have tried to show him I am there for him and he is feeling safer to call when he needs a shoulder or a voice when he is low, but unless something drastic happens and he seeks therapy for himself, he is not my guy. The glamour of co-dependence is off. I still love him and am still there for him, but I see a sad little boy who just wants connection to people, but doesn't know what to ask for other than "please play with me." He will not allow people in to his emotions and guards them strongly or pushes them away.

I could have wrote this word for word. It's so sad - what the MCLr wants the most (validation through strong emotional connections), they run away from the fastest. In my Hs sitch, he looks for his validation in all the wrong places, and it just makes him fell worse in the end.

[kml]

Congratulations on the new career!!!!!

Also:

The glamour of co-dependence is off.

ROFL!

So glad to hear you are doing well, move forward with your life, get out and do the things you want because life is short.

As for me - Cliff Notes version - started dating new guy last June, in September he was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer, new PET scan yesterday shows some progression. You just never know what life is gonna throw at you.

[Westo]

Hi ciluzen,

I remember you. So pleased to read you’re doing so well and you are right about this place, it really saves people who are going through the same.

MLC is an awful thing and not the joke it’s portrayed to be. Unless you’ve experienced it, you just don’t understand.

[job]

I, too, remember you from way back when. Congratulations on your new career!

[Pax_luv]

It’s so lovely to hear an update Ciluzen. Congratulations on the personal and professional accomplishments! Really glad to hear you are doing well and have come through the other side.
Best wishes.

[Babe]

I read your posts also !!! thanks for checking in

[bttrfly]

I've missed you Cil. Really lots. Been thinking about you and wondering how it's going and if you were graduating this spring. Congratulations doll! So glad you posted. Wish we could get in touch off board because you're definitely someone who would be a friend irl. I'm so very glad you're in the space you currently occupy and WAY TO GO! WOOOT 4.0 of course you have always been a rock star! Congrats on the new position also. I'm so proud of you honey !! You're a shining star much love, xoxoxo

[HaWho]

Nice to read an update. Kudos to you on rebuilding a beautiful life!