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LillyL Offline OP
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Thank you for the feedback. I'm glad I wasn't so quick to write back.

I am not sure if it's the right thing to do to allow him to stay in my home. I don't want to miss an opportunity for him to see me changing, but at the same time, the coming and going hurts and I end up thinking that he's taking advantage of me.

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Originally Posted by LillyL
He never got into therapy or did any soul seeking (that's what he said he needed to do).


Originally Posted by LillyL
It was extremely difficult to get him too MC. I'm not sure if he's even try IC, but I wish he would.


OK, I guess I was pointing out that your H said he needed help, but his actions did not match his words. So he knows he has issues but has chosen not to take steps to address them. That must be incredibly frustrating.

Humans do this all the time... we tell ourselves little lies. I'm sure your H thinks he is aware of his issues, and thus he is making progress on them. So he can walk around guilt-free because he said he needed therapy, but never actually goes.

You are right that you cannot control whether or not he goes to IC. And the best approach would be to treat the "playing family" stuff separately from his issues (to remove the control/pressure issue). But you could point out that he himself mentioned going (in some way). Actions following words are the only way to build trust, IMO.

I don't know the right approach, Lilly. I know from your perspective it feels like he was just paying lip-service to the idea but was not really serious. I think a lot of times people really do think "Yes, I'll go to therapy, at some point" and then just never do it. And you are left sitting thinking "he must not really want to work through it". I have no clue if I am right about your H's intentions. I've spent many years aware of my issues, dipping my toe in the water to work on them. Finally now with proper motivation I am diving into the deep end.

It is true that therapy never works if the person is resistant (and the therapist cannot break down that resistance). This is why MC fails a lot of the time, because one partner feels dragged to it.

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You show him you've changed by not inviting him to stay in your home.


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
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Okay JRuss,

When I think about this it makes me feel uneasy.

I am worried that I will look like the bad guy. He is expected to be back early next month and my kids are looking forward to it.

It is a short business trip but maybe that's what is needed like you said.

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You are right, it is very frustrating.

He didn't do any of the work and now he seems like he has all of his plans in place, but he doesn't seem too happy.

I am not sure of the right approach either. I just need to keep working on myself, GAL and doing 180s. I think he told me what he thought I needed to hear so that when he left I wouldn't cause any drama. I really trusted that he was going to do the right thing, but ultimately feel like he played me.

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Since H left on Tuesday he hasn’t reached out to kids. I told him I noticed he hadn’t called and asked if he was okay. He said he was having a hard time bc he was feeling guilty...

My D is having a really difficult time dealing with this and she has been very upset.

He did call today to check what they got for back to school shopping. It was extremely brief.

Part of my mind wanders thinking he’s keeping himself busy with someone else...

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I asked H to split the school shopping and he said that’s why he sends me $ each month to cover things like that....

It seems unfair because we don’t have any written agreement... help!

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Journaling...

I'm not sure what to do w. H. I'm annoyed with another bill to cover by myself, there is no agreement how much he should be contributing... He just came up with a number. When I got legal counsel they told me he was underpaying by a few hundred/month.

S had a birthday in June. H, did not contribute... Now the back to school supplies and clothing. It just seems like BS and I don't know how to handle it.

He is taking advantage of the situation for his own benefit....

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Unchein,

That is a good point. His actions show that he is better off without me. Except for the excessive drinking, abandonment toward the kids. He just has a completely different life, but when he is coming here he get's to have a piece of what he left.

I wish that I could bring that up to him, because it is hard for me to trust him to do the right thing. I really wish he would go, because it would help him so much. I guess he will have to arrive at that point in his own time to get help. If that every happens.

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LillyL, most LBSs, for some reason, are resistant to talk to an attorney. Don't be. You have legal rights and you need to make sure you are legally protected.

So go consult with an attorney.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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