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JujuB #2870815 11/05/19 03:26 PM
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Hey KML- it seems like there were 2 pst long term relationships he felt that way about and the girls ended up leaving him after a few years. . And he said he dated a bunch of girls he was never interested in and ended things when red flags arose.

I’m enjoying the limerace but haven’t experienced it before or maybe I don’t remember it’s so While it feels great, it also feels too good to be true. Like why is he putting me on a pedestal? Or perhaps, why did I date guys that were not doing that in the past?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2871041 11/06/19 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted by JujuB
Congratulations RAI! That is great news. Haven’t seen any of your recent posts.
Thanks. I have been off the grid due to so many other obligations. We are a large blended family.

Originally Posted by JujuB
I’m think we are older and have each experienced what we don’t want.
IMHO, this is key. It seems counterintuitive that someone who is D would be a relationship expert, but I think you need to go through a terribly dysfunctional relationship and D to recognize a loving and healthy relationship. My W came up with some great advice for our children: Love your spouse like they are your second spouse.

Originally Posted by JujuB
Like he doesn’t have that need to be right
I am a recovering "right-fighter". I was not extreme about it, but it probably contributed to xW's resentment. It sounds like you found a giving and unselfish person.

Originally Posted by JujuB
I do worry though. Like what if it is just limerace for him? What if he likes me because He likes how I look and likes the excitement of new love and is attracted because of the attention he gets from me who is Also in limerace and then after 3 years starts to feel that way about a new girl that gives him attention? Thats my fears coming through though and something i guess I feel vulnerable about.
It is OK to have those fears after what you have endured. You are vulnerable and trust does not happen instantaneously; it is earned over a long time. My W understands that and goes out of her way to be transparent because she respects my paranoia and PTSD from my previous M. I am certain that with time, those fears will fade away.

And if this turns out to be another illusion (heaven forbid) ...you are not the same JujuB. You have stood on your own two feet for some time now. You have so much more wisdom and knowledge. You also have us. I wish you so much luck in your relationship. (((Hugs)))

Best,

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
JujuB #2872618 11/19/19 12:50 PM
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No new updates.

My friend and i were talking about my ex husband. She told me how how he never seemed to be into me. Or into anything. That he was just empty and boring. Nothing to him and was just going through the motions from early on. I wonder if it’s cause he was just never really that into me or if he’s incapable of being really into anyone. Like I can’t imagine him putting a love interest first or feeling deeply about anyone. Like I would honestly be shocked if he ever remarried or found someone he was head over heels with. I can’t picture it and I can’t picture a woman being ok with his in attention and lack of passion at this stage.

I still feel traumatized that I stayed with someone like that. Like, being in a loveless marriage is really traumatizing. My ex actually told me when he first left “nothing will change for you. It’s not like you had my affection” so he was completely aware. And thats hard on me that I put up with that. Especially now with dating and seeing what other guys are like with me.

It’s the complete opposite of what I’m experiencing now. BF makes every effort to spend time, and makes it known through actions and words how into me he is. We do talk commitment and futures. He seems genuine and is so excited to be around me - he tells me how lucky he feels and how I’m basically his fantasy girl and he can’t believe he is dating me....but I also know from life that the guys that fall hard and fast also fall out of love quickly and suddenly too.... but my ex didn’t fall hard and fast. It took my ex a year to say I love you. Back then, I thought “ex was normal and good for me because he took his time and it’s the real thing and he wanted to make sure and he’s stable and slow moving and that’s better”. But it wasn’t. He just wasn’t that into me. BF is really into me which is opposite of ex.

Anyway. Lots to think about. My ex also doesn’t spend a lot of time with his own son. And if you can’t love your son like that what does that say? Emotionally avoidant attachment style? With everyone? I wish we had classes on this stuff when we were younger. I wasted so much time.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2872621 11/19/19 01:22 PM
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Forward is the only way to go. It may have taken longer than expected, you may feel like you lost some years with your ex, but better late than never. You could still be in that situation. But instead you now have a guy who adores you. And I don’t care what anyone says. A guy should adore his woman. A woman should treat her man like a king. The problem is when it isn’t reciprocal.

My ex was actually very in to me. But cruel at the the same time. It was a real mind F situation. He wanted to spend time with me, was very physically affectionate. But the way he spoke to me and disregarded my feelings about pretty much everything was very gaslighting-like. And boy did it mess with my head. That’s probably why I wanted him back. He tricked me into thinking he really loved me. But he had absolutely zero respect for me.

All I can say is that having someone who backs up words with actions and vice verse is a keeper. The others don’t matter. I’m so glad you found hat you truly deserve. Always be cautious, but this really is the way it should be.

JujuB #2872747 11/20/19 04:14 PM
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Thanks ginger. I’m being cautious in some ways but very different in others. Like, I feel like i just know. He says the same. Everything feels right. We have met each others kids a while back. . He hangs out with me and my family every chance he can. We want the same things. We talked about everything early on. We just clique. We both share what others describe as “neediness” . Like he actually told me I never have to worry about being clingy with him cause he is even more so and likes being around me all the time. Obviously we both work and have kids so it’s can never get excessive. (I know people say it’s unhealthy but my parents are old school and like that and his seem to be like that too). We both have very similar and traditional views of family. I can’t find one thing that I do not like about him. - I have never felt like that about someone.

Last guy, I settled for - based on the fact that I knew he was stable. I excused and tried to looks past things I didn’t like because of qualities I felt safe with. Same thing with my ex husband. -with both guys people told me “you guys have nothing in common”. And they were right. With bf now My best friend for the first time ever in our lives told me “you will never find someone better for you” and my mom told me “you guys just fit together so well”. With ex husband my best friend asked me “are you sure you want to marry him or are you just doing it cause there’s no real reason not to” and my mom told me “you are day and he is night”

My only fear is the “feels too good to be true. When is it all gonna fall apart”. Based not on him, but my experiences reading sites like this. And based on what I have experienced in the past.

I tend to be cynical and slow moving and rational. And for the first time, I’m not following the guidelines. I’m kind of just going with what works. And I’m really hoping it works out. But yeah - I know I will survivor of it doesn’t.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2872749 11/20/19 04:42 PM
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Quote
We both share what others describe as “neediness” . Like he actually told me I never have to worry about being clingy with him cause he is even more so and likes being around me all the time.


Doesn't sound to me so much like neediness as just you both speak the same love languages. If Quality Time is both of yours love languages, you'd both be really interested in spending time together. If Physical Touch is your love languages, you'd both really want to hold hands, rub shoulders, snuggle together on the couch etc.

Those things only appear needy when you are paired with someone who doesn't share those love languages. I'm a physical touch person and I'm pretty sure my ex husband was tired of me touching him so often. He on the other hand was a Quality Time dude and my multitasking and being off in my introvert head wasn't meeting his needs.

I've had some boyfriends since for whom physical touch was their love languages too and it's very nice not to feel you are bothering someone when you stroke their head or hold their hand.

JujuB #2872784 11/20/19 09:43 PM
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I'm so glad you are happy and things continue to go well for you JuJu. It seems like the two of you are a good fit in many ways - although by your own admission they may not be the healthiest? Still, it seems good - at least so far. But when I see this:

Originally Posted by JujuB
I can’t find one thing that I do not like about him. - I have never felt like that about someone.

That throws up red flags for me. I mean how can this be - with anyone? It's just not possible for any two humans not to find ANYTHING, not one single thing that they do not like about someone else. Even the best of Rs there are always some things that drive the other person nuts. If that's not the case it tells me you are still super in the honeymoon or infatuation phase. Or you have the most expensive pair of rose colored glasses known to man.

If and when you get to the point that you finally do see his flaws - and I know he has to have them. You finally see or admit that the way he smacks his lips when he eats his food or talks three times louder on the telephone than he needs to or calls everyone "dude" or whatever it is (I of course just made these up) - but when you start to identify these things in him and he starts to see the things that you do that drive others crazy - and yet you still feel the same way, well then you may have something here.

The mistake so many people make is think that how you feel now is how you are going to feel in 3 years - or maybe just in 1 year. It just never is. The cute way he calls everyone dude becomes extremely enjoying and if he says is just one more time you may clock him upside the head. You by your own admission have a history of not seeing what other people see - yet pushing forward anyhow. At this point others have not seen the flags - or at least have not voiced them to you. And there well may not be any. The only way to tell is to keep doing what you are doing, keep your eyes open and see how both of you feel in a year or two. I hope you feel the same but sadly the honeymoon phase does not last for ever. It's not about finding someone that you have nothing you dislike about, but rather finding someone that even the things you dislike about him don't come close to outweighing the things you do. It's also not just you - he has to feel the same as well and as you say, at least sometimes those who fall in hard and fast fall out just as fast.

You seem to have half of it covered - you both seem to have that elusive chemistry. You just fit. That's probably the case. It just doesn't mean you are compatible for the long term. You very well may be - I don't want to suggest otherwise. I'm just suggesting if you can't find one thing you don't like, it's too early to tell yet.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
JujuB #2872803 11/21/19 01:17 AM
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Juju, I really can relate to what you say about “neediness”. I love to be with the one I am with. Spend time with them, do nice features, think of them, etc. I would probably spend a good portion of my time with someone who wants to do the same. Does that make me “needy”? No. My ex was a guy like I said who did always want to spend time with em. X NG would want to if we lived close. FF spent all his free time with me. Everyone made me feel like this was “wrong”. But I enjoyed it. I love to be with the one I love.

Then M came along. He was like that in the beginning. Expect given kids, etc, we were excited to spend our time together. But when it came to a point where I was made to feel crappy because I wanted to spend time with him, that’s where I knew something was wrong. Yeah, we all need our individual time, our time with our friends, kids etc. but wanting to be with the one you love is not wrong, needy, pathetic , or a red flag. Finding someone who is compatible with that is great. I know you can be happy on your own and you don’t rely on someone else for your happiness. But you do just love to spend time with the one you are with and that’s natural.

I could only hope for a love like yours. Someone who feels like the won the jackpot when they found me. And treasures me everyday. And vice versus. I think that’s actually very healthy.

Embrace it, enjoy it. Your R will evolve. It may not always be so hot and heavy, but you can still have that love where you just love to be together.

JujuB #2877697 12/26/19 06:23 PM
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Happy holidays to everyone

I’m almost 5 years out and in an amazing relationship and I really was blessed with a super supportive family that sided and supported me immediately post BD. God. Even his family was kind of like wtf. I was so lonely and unhappy in my marriage. Even before the marriage. I just didn’t know what partnership could be like cause I settled young. My ex was nice enough, and back then I figured he didn’t cheat. But we weren’t compatible. I honestly would be shocked if he ever remarried or settled in with a long term partner.

Whats growth for me is that I am so happy with my new partner that I don’t care about my ex. Being in an incredible relationship, made me see what I was missing all those years. When i was devastated, family members would tell me “you can’t see it now. But someone is gonna snatch you up and you are gonna realize how bad your ex is” and “why the hell do you want him back? What kind of guy does that?” And I would taut to them all the crap I was reading by some of the posters here and on MWDs book. But that wasn’t for me. It’s a money making business. Offering hope. Like psychics and weird holistic healing methods that cost a lot.

I think that a better message for newcomers is to Not fix your marriage with someone that’s destroying your life - in the name of god or family or the myth that all marriages have universal issues we can work through. Some people are just not capable of being partners. Better off alone. Cut your losses early. The person that deserves you is the person willing to work for you.

Anyway I am finally over him. I know that cause I would be happy if he met a good woman and got his life straightened out. I do get annoyed about being financially gypped - he pays me late and i have to stay on top of him and I am repulsed by that. Even more repulsed that he he tries getting less then his 20 percent of parenting time. But I have no jealousy or feelings for him. I do feel bad that my son got him for a dad though. And I am struggling with my son. Common in situations like this. But something I have to devote more research on and time.

Anyway- thanks for reading. Just wanted to update and get stuff out. It’s so much better when your life is filled with the right people. And I wish I recognized how to identify the right people earlier.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2877698 12/26/19 06:30 PM
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Juju,

That’s a great update and I am very happy for you!

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