Yes I agree. While I don't have any issues with the occasional drink having more than a couple at a time and doing it daily isn't good.
Is it too late after the fact to enforce a boundry previously stated about the OW contact with the kids? I feel like it might be but I just found out about it. And apparently he thinks he needs to come over to help with kids while I start new job. Should I decline his help and continue to act as if I am a single parent?
Me: 36 H: 37 M: 16 T: 17 Kids: S15 D14 D11 BD: July '18 OW confirmed Nov '18 (he told me) H moved out Jan '19
Do you have any recent updates? Is he still telling you he is no contact with OW and wants to reconcile with you? What has he done to SHOW you that with actions? Has he offered full transparency that he is no contact with her? Has he been consistent in his commitment to do anything to make it work with you? Does he remain open and vulnerable?
The reason I told you that you are moving far, far too quickly is because I got the impression you agreed to take him back at his first signs of guilt and remorse. Yes, he came to you crying and vulnerable. Yes, he told you he made a terrible mistake and regrets it. Yes, he told you he will leave OW and wants you and his family back. ... While that appears to be a complete 180 and a shock to your system, it is really only a sign that he could come back and work on reconciling.
He has to show you he has changed first and before you agree to take him back. I get the sense from your post that he knew he could come back easily. Perhaps when he first came to you and broke down, you were not weary of his efforts? Wouldn't that be the normal reaction given that he left you for OW? I think it would have been better to let him continue to call you, express his remorse, and pursue you repeatedly for several weeks before thinking about giving him another chance. Don't you want to know that he really means what he says?
In terms of your "boundary" with him introducing the kids to OW, well what I am reading is not what a boundary is. What you are describing is more how can you control him. Yes, he introduced the kids to OW and that is terribly painful for you. I 100% agree and I would have struggled with that one too -- in fact I told my H straight up when he left that if he ever brought my kids around his A, he would never get me back. .... here is the reality tho; they do all kinds of dumb cr-p when they are limerant! You cannot go back in time and change that. You also will be learning many more dumb and disturbing things he did with her. You cannot control that. What you can do, and what you can control, is if those are dealbreakers for you now. Yes, he brought kids around OW. He might have even kissed her, held hands with her or even showed obvious signs of affection to her in front of them. Let's just assume he did all of the above. Does that mean you will not take him back now? That is all you can control -- what you do now, not what he does now or what he did back then.
You say he is still heavily drinking. I personally think you should not consider taking him back. If he were remorseful enough that he would do anything to R with you, then he should be focused on showing you his positive changes. I don't think that is possible if he is binge drinking. That is just my opinion.
You also mentioned you thought he was having a MLC verses being wayward. This is another example of why I wish these board would do away with the term MLC. It has no meaning and it is not recognized by the DSM or medical psychiatry. It is a term that we LBS use because it makes us feel better about the fact that someone up and left us. They are having a MLC. Sure, maybe they are having a crisis. But that doesn't change the reality of what they have done or excuse it. It is not even an explanation. Anyone can have a crisis for various reasons, at any point in their life time, and they may or may not leave their S because of it. It also does not make their egregious behavior any more understandable. So why even use the term at all?
He left you for OW, crisis or not. Period. It doesn't sound like he is ready to do the hard work of fixing this. I hope one day he will. In the meant time, you can continue to go dark and take care of yourself. You can also think about why him calling you can crying was enough for you to want to take him back.
Decide how you want to be treated by him now, and then until that happens, he gets nothing from you. You also have to decide that you are going to learn and accept a lot of things that will upset you and disturb you that you cannot control. If you cannot accept those things, that is your choice and you do not have to take him back.
Hugs. I feel you, sister. I don't even know how I survived. Reconciling and piecing was much harder work than Dbing IMO!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
