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Awakened #2849818 05/19/19 04:23 PM
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Walks in the woods or through gardens are awesome and go hand in hand with EMDR therapy principles.

Call a friend. Go to meetup.com and make new friends. Go join a league or play a sport. I would go to Paneras and read or write around others.

If she won't return home bc you are there then that is on her. She wants out she can get out.

Do you have any friends you can go hang with?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Awakened #2849826 05/19/19 05:48 PM
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Awakened, my second point was you said she would you no chance. And you seem to hang on those words. Believe nothing to say. Positive or negative. Some LBS struggle because the WAS strings them along so they have too much hope and do the wrong things. Some struggle because the WAS is certain they'll never give them another chance, so they do the wrong things.

Believe nothing she says, and do not react emotionally to it. We all heard "no chance". DBing sometimes gives you a second chance. And even if not it will help you move forward.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Cadet #2849829 05/19/19 05:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by Awakened

I am really struggling this morning - loneliness and generally feeling ripped apart by my past failures - i can't go back and fix them and releasing it is proving very difficult ...

Get out and do something - even if it is just a long walk in the woods, and scream at the top of your lungs when your far away from where anyone can hear.

Hi Cadet -

Awesome idea! I'm planning on taking my recurve and go roving - and scream!!!


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
ovrrnbw #2849831 05/19/19 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Walks in the woods or through gardens are awesome and go hand in hand with EMDR therapy principles.

Call a friend. Go to meetup.com and make new friends. Go join a league or play a sport. I would go to Paneras and read or write around others.

If she won't return home bc you are there then that is on her. She wants out she can get out.

Do you have any friends you can go hang with?

Hey ovrrnbw -

Thanks for that - good ideas...

Friends here....that's the thing...she has never really been interested in making "couples" friends and i've been struggling with deprsn so haven't ventured out.... On a mild anti-deprssn for a while and last couple months starting to exercise b4 BD.

Yes, she wants out....OK.... but ya gotta take the mud when you ask for rain.


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
SteveLW #2849832 05/19/19 06:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Awakened, my second point was you said she would you no chance. And you seem to hang on those words. Believe nothing to say. Positive or negative. Some LBS struggle because the WAS strings them along so they have too much hope and do the wrong things. Some struggle because the WAS is certain they'll never give them another chance, so they do the wrong things.

Believe nothing she says, and do not react emotionally to it. We all heard "no chance". DBing sometimes gives you a second chance. And even if not it will help you move forward.

And this ^ is a painful pill to swallow (again and again...) .

I really don't think is intending to jerk my chain - not her MO in the 20-odd years i've known her. She was quite clear with her intention.

Thankfully I'm coming the place where I'm beginning to cognate through this - accepting it for what it is and able to begin to visualize a healthier future (more of a near future...not beyond a few months...).

Thanks for the 2x4 to reality!!!


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
Awakened #2849871 05/20/19 02:22 AM
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Oh I have no doubt she meant it when she texted it. Just like my former WAW meant it when she said it. WASs have a way of flip-flopping like a fish on the shore. So because she felt that at that moment doesn't mean she'll feel that tomorrow. Or in five minutes from now. Remember, she's reeling as much as you are. I don't think most WASs do things like this lightly.

The overall point is that there is always hope as long as you're both breathing.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2849876 05/20/19 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Oh I have no doubt she meant it when she texted it. Just like my former WAW meant it when she said it. WASs have a way of flip-flopping like a fish on the shore. So because she felt that at that moment doesn't mean she'll feel that tomorrow. Or in five minutes from now. Remember, she's reeling as much as you are. I don't think most WASs do things like this lightly.

The overall point is that there is always hope as long as you're both breathing.


Steve - thanks for this.

I've read and re-read her initial note and the follow-up where she indicates, "my decision is not rash or without cause. I have been long suffering and hoped for years for change. I have communicated to you many times as to the unacceptability of things and not only apathy but anger, minimizing and blame were the responses."

She also mentions she does not feel safe with me and "can no longer be with you."

Given those statements, it's pretty hard to have much in the "Hope" department....

That said, she has responded to me saying, "I am sorry it has come to this as well." I refer to her WA as ripping the Band-Aid off a wound..... and her reply, "Yeah. I hate that but it seems like the human condition."

So, emo-roller coaster.

Her next initiated text was, "What are your thoughts on timing?" (referring back to e-mail stating she wants to return to our home state, but not if I'm in the house).

I mentioned this was all new to me and then asked her what her thoughts about timing. She didn't answer the "when", but mentioned, "I can try to find a place for (the) kids but would prob be more challenging, but am willing to look as well."

The conversation continued on non-argumentatively a bit. She said she would prefer to live at the house for now as that is where all the kids stuff is...at least for now...

My reply was, if we are divorcing i need to have the house/mortgage out of my name and i'm not sure the pathway to get there other than selling.

So i probably made the biggest DB errors in history.....

Awakened


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
Awakened #2849882 05/20/19 05:23 AM
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You definitely said too much.

Do you want a D? If not then say that.

Keep your answers short. Stop trying to convince of anything.

"Im sorry you feel that way"
"I will not move out"
"I understand you feel this is best. I dont agree, but I dont control you"


You need to talk to a lawyer like now about her taking the kids out of state. Its illegal. Literally illegal to remove children from the other parent and move out of state without permission from the other parent.

You may have to have to report her for taking the kids. You are at an advantage here.

Also, get a personal recorder and record your interactions with her. Get some cameras and put them in the house if she ever goes home so you can prove you did nothing in case she flips out. Thats what I did.

Protect yourself. Your W has gone a bit too far by taking the kids out of state.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Awakened #2849931 05/20/19 02:15 PM
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Awakened, I see some red flags in your sitch that tell me you need to do as ST suggested and seek legal help right away. Taking the kids away with zero notice and not allowing you visitation tells me she's up to no good. Also blocking you from the joint CC and bank account with no notice. These are not the acts of someone interested in being amicable. You've got to protect yourself and the kids and do so right away. If you think she'll go easy on you for religious reasons you are dead wrong. If she were respecting her and your religion she never would have left in the first place. You're in a dangerous spot and need to take action ASAP. By action I mean legally petition to get visitation with your kids.

Also, DO NOT MOVE OUT. If she says something about that again then just politely tell her you are not going anywhere. When she rants then just listen and validate and continue to reaffirm your position.

"But the kids need a home blah blah blah"

"The kids are welcome to stay here"

"How can you do this to me, I need a home to take care of the kids wah wahhhh"

"I understand this must be difficult for you"

"So when are you leaving then?"

"I already stated I'm not going anywhere."

Be FIRM with her. There's literally nothing you can do right now to appease her, so don't even try. You'll just look wimpy if you do. Stand your ground and it will make her mad, but inside a tiny seed of respect will have been planted.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Awakened #2849932 05/20/19 02:21 PM
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Awesome advice from ST and AS here. Lawyer up. Do not TRY to nice her back, it won't work. Right now you have some legal issues you need to address (money, kids). DO NOT PROCRASTINATE. Time is of the essence.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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