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Awakened #2849770 05/18/19 07:36 PM
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You are only responsible for 50% of the relationship. The other 50% is her. Yes recognize your bad behaviors and 180 them. But dont beat yourself up about the past. The past cannot be changed. The future can be directed.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
SoTorn #2849775 05/18/19 10:58 PM
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Originally Posted by SoTorn
You are only responsible for 50% of the relationship. The other 50% is her. Yes recognize your bad behaviors and 180 them. But dont beat yourself up about the past. The past cannot be changed. The future can be directed.

SoTorn
Thank you -

Yes, i'm needing to 180 those shipwrecked ways. And also not beat myself for that which cannot fix.

This shock has identified my apathy. I only wish W would consider the things i've put in place. However, the R is not the carrot I'm chasing....Healing - yes.

Now that I'm AWAKENED the death of apathy is occurring in my heart and life. For the last seven years I've been apathetic in the most important areas of my life despite the profound need to heal my soul and re-strengthen my relationships (we served overseas for the 7 years previous these "current" seven years back home in the States).

So now I'm reaping the benefits of my blindness to apathy and it's subtle destruction in my life and with my stbx and children.

I am so thankful for the encouraging words people have shared in this post. So very thankful...


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
Awakened #2849793 05/19/19 07:28 AM
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I'm sorry, but there are a lot of alarm bells going off here for me. You're in the military and you have guns lying round your house and your marriage has seen a lot of turmoil for a few years. Do you even know what the statistics are for gun violence against women by their partners? Whether you ever threatened her or not, she wasn't feeling safe with you for whatever reason (even if that was her own internal reason) and you have guns lying round the house. In her situation I think I would be running away too. Whilst BDing via email is an awful thing to do, she had reason to do it this way, and whether she is justified in her fears or not, she must be feeling genuinely fearful. Ponder on that for a long while before you start sticking up for your rights, ok? If you want to save your marriage, start with empathising with her fear. It might not be justified, but it's real to her right now. My H seems genuinely frightened sometimes and I cannot understand why he feels like that, but I have to believe that he feels unsafe and to try to empathise with that. If you add in the gender issue (men are usually bigger, stronger and more aggressive than women in general) and the guns, then her fear must be ramped up to the max. Please, just start right there. You must be feeling very, very angry and fearful yourself, but you're going to have to put those aside and focus on gentleness and kindness.

Awakened #2849795 05/19/19 08:19 AM
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Dillydaf -
Thanks for your reply..
Not military....
firearms in one room only....
no previous violence, threats, or any physical aggression
but, i respect her feelings (whether i agree with them or not)
I don't know that i'm wanting "he said/she said" discussion....just reeling from the reality


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
Awakened #2849801 05/19/19 11:43 AM
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Awakened, do you drink? First 180 is stop drinking. Being in your right mind is imperative for DBing.


Second, no chance. We all heard that. Even those of us that were able to save our marriage.

Third, talk to a lawyer. Pronto. You have a right to see your kids, so exercise they right. The lawyer can help with the joint account thing as well.

Listen to Cadet. Anytime you get his time your are very fortunate!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2849804 05/19/19 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Awakened, do you drink? First 180 is stop drinking. Being in your right mind is imperative for DBing.


Second, no chance. We all heard that. Even those of us that were able to save our marriage.

Third, talk to a lawyer. Pronto. You have a right to see your kids, so exercise they right. The lawyer can help with the joint account thing as well.

Listen to Cadet. Anytime you get his time your are very fortunate!

Thanks Steve -

Drinking - i don't drink alcohol (ever) or take drugs

I don't understand your second point?

Yes, i am coming to realization that i need some legal guidance/assistance

Thank you


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
Awakened #2849807 05/19/19 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by dillydaf
I'm sorry, but there are a lot of alarm bells going off here for me. You're in the military and you have guns lying round your house and your marriage has seen a lot of turmoil for a few years. Do you even know what the statistics are for gun violence against women by their partners? Whether you ever threatened her or not, she wasn't feeling safe with you for whatever reason (even if that was her own internal reason) and you have guns lying round the house. In her situation I think I would be running away too. Whilst BDing via email is an awful thing to do, she had reason to do it this way, and whether she is justified in her fears or not, she must be feeling genuinely fearful. Ponder on that for a long while before you start sticking up for your rights, ok? If you want to save your marriage, start with empathising with her fear. It might not be justified, but it's real to her right now. My H seems genuinely frightened sometimes and I cannot understand why he feels like that, but I have to believe that he feels unsafe and to try to empathise with that. If you add in the gender issue (men are usually bigger, stronger and more aggressive than women in general) and the guns, then her fear must be ramped up to the max. Please, just start right there. You must be feeling very, very angry and fearful yourself, but you're going to have to put those aside and focus on gentleness and kindness.

Anyone can see from a mile away that his W is simply saying that get a TRO and justify running off with the kids.

His W "not feeling safe" is likely a lie and you really told him to ponder her feelings over his rights? I've never seen a sitch where putting the LBSs rights second to a WASs feelings was productive.

The reason she did BD via email is lack of intestinal fortitude and to steal the kids while he was away.

Awakened...awesome name. I love it. Make sure every day you look at the bright side of this awakening.

Time for LRT which means 1. Stop pursuing 2. GAL. 3 . Wait and see.

You need to talk to a couple lawyers asap in regards to your kids.

Don't move out. Don't be your W's punching bag. Work hard to detach.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Awakened #2849808 05/19/19 01:41 PM
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So now that I've learned that this the "Right place" i can add detail to present state of things.

W has stated MR is irreparable and does not want to continue the MR. She affirmed she is glad to know i am intent on pursuing help/IC and said she wished i had come to that place earlier.

That little bit about wishing my awakening coming earlier really tempts me to plead....but i know in my head pleading has the opposite effect i want. I do want to R the MR, but DBing is the only way....even if D occurs i still need to heal, become healthy for me and my kids.

She seemingly wants to use mediation vs L and be amicable for the kids sake but she has not stated what she wants.... W also, via e-mail, she will not return home unless i am out of the house. That, to me, is L level...


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
ovrrnbw #2849809 05/19/19 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by dillydaf
I'm sorry, but there are a lot of alarm bells going off here for me. You're in the military and you have guns lying round your house and your marriage has seen a lot of turmoil for a few years. Do you even know what the statistics are for gun violence against women by their partners? Whether you ever threatened her or not, she wasn't feeling safe with you for whatever reason (even if that was her own internal reason) and you have guns lying round the house. In her situation I think I would be running away too. Whilst BDing via email is an awful thing to do, she had reason to do it this way, and whether she is justified in her fears or not, she must be feeling genuinely fearful. Ponder on that for a long while before you start sticking up for your rights, ok? If you want to save your marriage, start with empathising with her fear. It might not be justified, but it's real to her right now. My H seems genuinely frightened sometimes and I cannot understand why he feels like that, but I have to believe that he feels unsafe and to try to empathise with that. If you add in the gender issue (men are usually bigger, stronger and more aggressive than women in general) and the guns, then her fear must be ramped up to the max. Please, just start right there. You must be feeling very, very angry and fearful yourself, but you're going to have to put those aside and focus on gentleness and kindness.

Anyone can see from a mile away that his W is simply saying that get a TRO and justify running off with the kids.

His W "not feeling safe" is likely a lie and you really told him to ponder her feelings over his rights? I've never seen a sitch where putting the LBSs rights second to a WASs feelings was productive.

The reason she did BD via email is lack of intestinal fortitude and to steal the kids while he was away.

Awakened...awesome name. I love it. Make sure every day you look at the bright side of this awakening.

Time for LRT which means 1. Stop pursuing 2. GAL. 3 . Wait and see.

You need to talk to a couple lawyers asap in regards to your kids.

Don't move out. Don't be your W's punching bag. Work hard to detach.

Thank you so much!

I am really struggling this morning - loneliness and generally feeling ripped apart by my past failures - i can't go back and fix them and releasing it is proving very difficult ...

Yes, "Awakened" is exactly where i am - from a state of 4-5 years of apathy toward every area in my life....


M-19, T-22
M-53, W 44
D15, S13
Separate BRs 02/2018 (during and after I had pneumonia)
W (left separation - no A) - ? ~ 05/03-09/2019
BD 05/16/19
Awakened #2849817 05/19/19 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Awakened

I am really struggling this morning - loneliness and generally feeling ripped apart by my past failures - i can't go back and fix them and releasing it is proving very difficult ...

Get out and do something - even if it is just a long walk in the woods, and scream at the top of your lungs when your far away from where anyone can hear.


Me-70, D37,S36
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