Hi all.....I am a newbie on this site and I am hoping that I am commenting in the correct area!!
I am 8 months post BD...Middle of August '18 my H gave me the''I love you,but am not in love with you'','' I dont feel happy''... I was just 2 weeks after a miscarriage after many failed IVF attempts (long story,but it is male related fertility issue)...... Naturally I felt like my world was falling apart after the mis, but then for him to just BD like that...I was devastated.... I now know he is in the middle of a MLC...after reading articles from Hearts blessing.....He met another woman before he left and obvouisly they connected because they have been in contact ever since...She too had just broken up from a relationship...She is younger than him...He projected for the first few meetings...saying there were many problems in the marriage..some I agree with...more were him just trying to justify his behaviour...He ran away from me,his pet and his home....I went silent from end of November last...only spoke once in January and the very odd text message related to something other than our marriage....He has been away twice with his this ''distraction''as he called her... Last Feb I text him for his birthday... He replied and told me is going to go for counselling... I felt very positive about this and happy for him.... It was another 6 weeks before he actually went...I was getting the updates from family and friends...he contacted me last week to meet and talk....We met face to face on May 11th after 6 months of not seeing each other... It was emotional and difficult.... He was emotional,but his decision still feels right to him...He is very much in replay... He assured me he is not in relationship,doesnt want one and this thing with the OW is very casual...he has been with other women also,so he tells me....acting like a teenager!!! He was very upset,telling me he loved and respected me and I was his best friend!!! How can he say that and then leave the house again...He is living around 20 miles from me...He hates where he is...but not enough to want to come home......... My heart broke all over again when he left... I hated him leaving....he text me telling me it was great to see me and he will continue counselling and see ''where it takes him''.... I know I need to let him go....it is so hard.....I text him today,to see if maybe we opened up our lines of communication would it be easier..He replied saying he doesnt know,he will continue counselling and meet again in a few weeks...He doesnt want to commit to anything,just give me false hope....I am going to let go of the emotional rope and leave him off...because I beleive he is keeping me on a leash until he decides for sure what he wants...Please any nuggets of wisdom out there?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
He was very upset,telling me he loved and respected me and I was his best friend!!! How can he say that and then leave the house again...He is living around 20 miles from me...He hates where he is...but not enough to want to come home.........
The IVF process and then a miscarriage is a lot for a couple to navigate. I would highly suggest IC for you. And for him if and when he comes back. Likely he engaged with this other woman as an escape from the heaviness of everything the two of you were going through. Fertility problems, when they are on the man's side, can have a devastating effect on a man, and therefore on the couple as well. I've known several men that felt like their W's secretly resented them because of the fertility issues.
Focus on yourself. Detach from him. Go out and GAL. If and when he comes back insist on IC, and only after he's received some counseling engage in R and MC.
Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Dig in for the long haul.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So sorry for everything you have been going through.
My wife and I suffered a miscarriage four years ago, so I understand how difficult that can be. And that may have been really hard for him. But it was, and is, extremely hard for you also, and it doesn't excuse his behaviour. I can't imagine doing a BD on my wife two weeks after the miscarriage, or running off to be with another woman (or multiple women). I just can't imagine that.
For now, at least, you can't count on him at all. You're going to have to work on making yourself the best version you can be, and think long and hard about whether you even want someone so selfish back in your life, and what it would take for you to believe again that he's someone you can trust.
M 44, W 32 T 10, M 8 D 2 Oct '18: Fantasy affair with OW1 (yes, W) Feb '19: Inseparable from new lesbian BFF Still live together but a lot of tension
Thank you all for the advice, I am going to keep posting here.. It has helped me enormously, every situation is different but they all have the same characteristics... Today I made an appointment with a Psychotherapist, I need to learn to detach correctly and focus on myself.. I wanted to ''help'' him through this and in many ways be his friend... But I know that this cannot happen... I am not on his radar at the moment, he is enjoying being ''free''...I think him going going for counselling in many ways is a smoke screen, just to say he went and there is nothing ''wrong'' with his decision.I do believe he feels awful for what he did and when he did it... but he still left when I needed him the most....He felt he just needed to ''get out''.. I am also afraid that the counselor may encourage him to stay away from the marriage if he was not ''happy''.. Which has told everyone who will listen... God... This is a very complicated, frustrating, loonnnnnnngggg journey...I would love to have a crystal ball...
Thanks again for all the words of encouragement
Louise Age: 38 H: 39 BD: Early Aug'18 Moved out.Middle of Aug'18 In contact with OW since.....
Louise I see this a lot with LBWs, more so than LBHs. They are "afraid". They are paralyzed by "fear". We had a poster that disappeared several months ago that was struggling with her "fear" of driving him further away.... of making him think she didn't care.... of everything.
LBWs that fear pushing him away, fear DBing, fear any action, will invariably let that fear make them stand still.
If you started dating a guy, and on the third date he said "Hey, I like you. But my therapist told me that I shouldn't see you anymore because I haven't been happy on these first three dates." What would you do? Probably go home, never contact him again, and block him on every communication method possible!
Yet you are afraid your H will be told the same, listen to it, but you would still want to hold on as tight as possible. That defies logic. And yes I know, you don't love a third date guy like you do your H. Love doesn't mean you throw logic and reason out the window. You can still love your H but tell him that if he is going to listen to a therapist that tells him to leave his marriage to hit the bricks....and don't come back no more no more no more.
Lousie, the final thing I want you to think about. You are young. You have lots of life ahead of you. However I'd hate for you to in 20 years look back and think "I wasted X number years of my life waiting for this guy!" Set a time limit. If he isn't all in by July of 2020, or some other time that makes sense, then I will close the door and not look back.
Take back control of your emotions, and of your life. Do not let fear rule you and cloud your reason. Do not be beholden to bad behaviors or decisions on his part in the name of "love". Think about, speaking of a crystal ball, the decision you would have made when you first met him if you could look ahead and see that he'd leave you shortly after a miscarriage. (My guess is you would have booted him immediately.)
Use logic and reason over feelings and fear.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
