New to DB and (W)MLC, never thought it'd be me

[SoloFlex]

Today is Tattoo Tuesday.... it looks like I don't get to see it. LOL!!!!!
I thought she'd be showing it off as soon as came thru the door..... NOPE!!!

That's ok.... she can keep it her "secret". Whatever she needs to work on herself.
I know it's there, she's in a great mood.... even played with the parrots for a min.

What a crazy experience.

-SoloFlex

[SoloFlex]

Well I finally got to see the tattoo for about 3 seconds (LOL). I don't think she wanted me to see it, but it was payment for making dinner.


So I got my first inkling of an A last night.
Came to bed a couple hours early (I always work late, and she's asleep when I go to bed).
This time I came to bed just after midnight and she was awake.
I was surprised she was awake, and she was surprised that I was there.
I noticed her phone face down on the night stand, and then it buzzed with an incoming text.
She grabbed it and said she was talking with her sister..... um, I don't remember her ever talking to her sister after midnight. Climbed into bed and she made sure to angle so I couldn't glance at it.
She kelp asking what I was doing and that I was coming to bed early (I didn't realize this too was a 180 for me).
After seeing her discomfort and annoyance, I closed by eyes and turned my head away to give her breathing room.

Her life, her choice, her problem. I can't make decisions for her, I can't steer her, I can't fix her.
Disconnect, endure, let the problem run it's course. I hope she processes these issues and comes out the other side ok.

-SoloFlex

[SoTorn]

Yep, they hide their phones. My EXWW also got a new tattoo. She got a lotus fower to symbolize her souls purity. Too bad its not pure! Lol

I also got some ink done but thats normal for me. I have my entire left arm from the elbow to my knuckles done. Have several other tattoos as well.

I got a pair of lips done on my chest. EXWW asked to see it and was real uppity about my new ink lol.

[SoloFlex]

Making progress I think...... baby steps.

I like to be prepared in advance and not be blindsided (like I have been so far) so I started working on "scripts" in my mind.
I was wondering, if the request for a D comes (maybe it does, maybe it doesn't), what is the right response?

If it comes to that, what I really want is to counter with a 1 year separation and give more space/time for this process to run it's course (and let her see it's not me causing all this pain/agony).

Here's the script in my head as it stands:

W: "I want a D"
Me: "That is something very big, I need time to think about this. I'll let you know when I'm done thinking about it."
5-10 days later.....
Me: I've thought about it. We can talk when you're ready.
W: (whatever she says)
Me: "I think D is a last resort option. I understand you want to be away from me. I propose a 1 year separation from each other and then we can see where we are. We can separate our finances now."
W: (Whatever she says) Agree/Disagree

If she agrees, great (I don't have a disagree script at all yet).
This is my script for agree:
Me: "I think you should move out. We have a year still on our lease, our birds drive you crazy with their noise and can't go to an apartment, and you need a fresh space that doesn't remind you of all this. You can take one of the beds, one of the TV's and any of your stuff." (do I allow her to keep anything in the house if it doesn't fit where she's going? We have big furniture)

Should I let her visit the birds? WAS reach out to animals first to test the waters right? Let her keep a key so she can visit them (and notice I'm functioning fine without her, and without "me being there" pressure?)

My goal is to delay, leave her alone and let the process run it's course (trying to do that now, but there is overlap with our routines - like cooking, eating together and sleeping in same bed). I'm hoping the space I'm giving now will be enough, but if A is happening or will happen..... then 1 year separation is best for me.

I'm detaching, that is very obvious to me (but it's in a loving way, not cold or cruel).... still a long way to go, but that process has absolutely started.

I don't want a D.... I want her to get thru this, remember, and then make her choice...... whichever way that goes.

Thanks for any suggestions/advise,

-SoloFlex

[SoTorn]

Too much talk honestly. You need to show her you are AMAOAFWL

W: I want a D
H: I understand you think that a D will resolve everything and bring you happiness, I am not in agreement and don't want that, but I won't get in your way.

End of conversation, continue to DB, detach, 180, GAL. Thats it. You are essentially telling her that you are ok being plan B. Are you ok with being plan B? If not, then don't tell her that. Any time D comes up. "As I said before, I don't think thats a resolution for our issues, but again I won't stop you".

[GH31]

When it comes to dealing with a wayward, adulterous wife, brevity really is the soul of wit.

Less is more.

There are goldfish with wider attention spans than Ws in MLC and/or an affair.

If she agrees, great (I don't have a disagree script at all yet).

What she "agrees" to will likely change from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

You're the man.

You shall determine what happens and does not happen in your home.

Not by being an abusive jerk but by your authority, posture and demeanour.

You determine what shall be.

[SoloFlex]

ST,

This is a proud, headstrong, stubborn woman..... but a really good woman (before this).
I think if there is D, that's it.
I can already tell her 1st inclination is to run, not to D. So why not satisfy the preference?

Plan B..... in a way I suppose. I don't want to be exposed to it. Like I said, I want to buy time for her to clear the tunnel.
Forgiveness will have to come afterward and is a different animal.
Some can forgive an A.... some can't. I don't know which I am. If she was clear thinking, then absolutely not. With this mental illness called MLC..... I think I would really try. I do subscribe to Hearts Blessing's posts which say let them do it, and burn themselves out (This is what Larry Bilotta teaches also). It's required to navigate the tunnel. Above all, I still love this woman.... even if she's not with me or comes back to me. My #1 priority is to make sure she gets out of the tunnel and isn't stuck forever (like her mom is). I will get on one way or another..... She won't.

Drop the rope, yes... that is the objective for me and I will get there. Close the door forever, hopefully not and definitely not prematurely.

As long as one loves there is hope.

-SoloFlex

[SoloFlex]

When it comes to dealing with a wayward, adulterous wife, brevity really is the soul of wit.

Less is more.

There are goldfish with wider attention spans than Ws in MLC and/or an affair.

If she agrees, great (I don't have a disagree script at all yet).

What she "agrees" to will likely change from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

You're the man.

You shall determine what happens and does not happen in your home.

Not by being an abusive jerk but by your authority, posture and demeanour.

You determine what shall be.

I really like this GH...... but a question: So much of the MLC is all about pressure and the perception of control being forced on them. I've read where IF you throw them out (or create an ultimatum), they remember that and it escalates the rift for a long time..... but if they choose or agree, then that isn't the case. Yes?

Boundaries = Good (protect yourself)
Ultimatums = Bad (they normally backfire since they are pressure)

Aren't MLC's all about the path of least resistance/pain to reach their perceived promised land of no internal anguish?
In this case, D = resistance. Separation = No resistance....... well that's what I'm wondering.

-SoloFlex

[Ready2Change]

W:"H, I want D"
H:"I see many solutions to our problems, but if D is THE ONLY WAY for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"

Then listen and validate. Let W do all the talking. when she pauses, then short validation. End the convo first.

W:"Bla bla bla unhappy bla bla bla"

H"I want us BOTH to be happy"
W:"Bla bla bla
W:"Bla bla bla
W:"Bla bla bla
H:"I can not change the past."
W:"Bla bla bla
W:"Bla bla bla
W:"Bla bla bla
W:"Bla bla bla
H:"I understand what you are saying. I need time to process everything. We are done talking for now"

[SoTorn]

I know you dont want to D. Remember she is just sh*t talking. Just because mine filed doesnt mean yours will. They drag their feet. I was told that we are getting a D when I confirmed PA in October. It took five months for that to come to life.