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Gerda: For all of us, we know God is asking something from us, we just don't know what it exactly is. But we are trying to walk towards His will as best as we can

Gordie: I feel like this. I know God is asking something from me, but I don't know exactly what it is.

Gerda: I think that is why we are all three still able to see meaning and light in it. I am reading this book which talks about how different the life of faith was from what came before, starting with the OT but much more with the NT, that it was less about our unknown origins than our unknown future -- that faith comes from trusting God completely, without knowing what the future is, that the sacrifice God asks is your desire to control your future and to instead trust His plan for it. I'm not even talking about after death, but tomorrow, today, when Gordie's wife has her headphones on in the next room.

Gordie: I confess that I have a hard time trusting God completely. It's why I say my faith isn't very strong. I'm a doubter.

Gerda: I wish my H had left long before he did, and I think you'd have more peace if your W left for a while, but I know that the thought of you going about your day as best as you can, giving your loneliness and grief to God as best as you can, cooking dinner and laughing with your children while their mom is in the next room alone, that that to me is a beautiful light. I don't think this is what God wants for you, but maybe it's what God expects from you, at least until He makes it clear that your path has shifted.

Gordie: Yes, I think for now this is what God wants of me.

Gerda: I am sure God wanted me to stand, even if it didn't "work" to bring mine back. I have to trust that the reasons for that will become clear as time goes on (and many are already clear), and that I'll never know all of them, but that walking in faith is how I get closer to God. And I know that to be true. You are laying down your life for your family, and maybe we're not even doing it "right," and certainly we can't take any action that will change the MLCer, but there can be no doubt that you are choosing your family over your own desires and even needs and that there is a lot of light in that choice.

Gordie: Oh, Gerda, that is so touching and heart-warming to read. It's the perfect encouragement.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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DNJ: You are a great husband, father, and man. A person who does everything to keep his word. I completely understand, know, and empathize with your vows; and your desire to uphold them.

For better and for worse, in sickness and in health. Today, I actually explained my view to my doctor. He asked if I was seeing someone yet. Its been almost three years, and he means well. But, him never having walked in these shoes. I said no, and he asked no offers, no interest? I chuckled and said, no there has been interest both ways and offers. I paused as he looked and was puzzlingly interested, Its my vows I told him.

He didnt understand. I said its the vows. TIL death do us part. I meant it. I keep my word. He nodded in acknowledgment and probably a little bewilderment.

Gordie: DNJ--you get me, you always have.

DNJ: Now, I didnt want my divorce. And I didnt push for it. I can, and do, have a say in keeping my vows. XW destroyed hers. I need not follow suit.

Please dont misread that. Im not thinking Im not divorce; I am well cognizant of my marital status. Its my vow to my conscience and to God Im talking about. XW destroyed her covenant, which broke our bond. My covenant is still intact. I havent divorce me (yet).

Now, that view isnt all that popular. Even around here.

Im also not that blushfully naive that I cannot see the possibility of me choosing to break my vow someday.

This it seems is one of those contentious issues that people can really get heated over. My view is my view and for me. My belief is my belief and for me. I do encourage, suggest, and even guide to the best of my abilities. And completely support someones decision - to stand or not. For I know, I do not have all the answers.

That being said, I usually keep my soap box put away regarding this subject. However, Gordie, I encourage and care that you continue your faithful path. You state that you believe in vows. And you are not alone in that!

Gordie: Yes, that's part of the reason why I came back, here to get DNJ-type encouragement.

DNJ: Of course, youre actually still married. A very good thing, IMHO.

True, its not terrible and not a lot of fun either. That does come from your viewpoint and how you are looking at things. Your lens of the world. We do create our reality, our perceptions of it.

Standing really starts when we heal enough to stand down. You passed that point a while ago. Dig and find strength and patience.

Gordie: I remember the first time you told me this and it hit me like a tone of bricks. Oh yes, that's when the real standing started and I guess, I'm still here.

DNJ: Yes, you have done most of the heavy lifting. The lions share falls upon the LBS, falls upon the strong and stable spouse. Rejoice that is you!

Its ok that your faith is wavering every now and then. Dont worry, He understands.

Hold your faith. Hold it for you. Its light shines bright. XW cannot help but see it. As she runs and tries to ignores it, continue your path, and let God do his work.

Bless you Gordie. You are an excellent person. A husband only a fool would leave.

Gordie: DNJ, thank you as always. And yes, I'm trying to nurture this little mustard seed.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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There are few things in life that bring me as much joy as seeing that Gordie has posted something except seeing that he has posted something to me!

I read this last night and it pierced my H-moving-back-to-my-city depression with a light of Gordie-ness.

You have given up your haiku style and are now a playwright. Both are excellent styles.

I was thinking about your sitch this morning. I was thinking about how many women would jump at the chance to have a man like you or rather specifically YOU. And how many people would say that you shouldn't stay in this marriage where you are not valued or able to show your love to a woman, let alone be loved by a woman emotionally, physically, etc. Many would say that is not a marriage.

But from a faith perspective, it sounds like exactly what God meant about laying down your life for your friends or praying for your enemy. You have given up what you deserve, what your greatness as a man should have earned you. There is no secret that the life of faith is not an easy one. It's HARD. You keep talking about how little faith you have but can't you see that it's only faith that allows you to make this choice? It makes NO sense in the earthly realm but for some reason it makes sense to your heart. That's a grace. That's "ears to hear" and that's "being called to the supper of the lamb."

Think about it -- if our MLCers were able to follow God's word against their own wills, that would be faith and would have kept them from destroying so much. Their will is telling them to do one thing but God's word tells them to do the opposite. That's the point of the word! It reminds us of what to do when we don't want to do it. I don't want to do it 50% of the time! But I overcome my will and let myself be guided by the word (esp what it says about children and family) and truth and goodness and love, at least whenever I can master my will.

And I'm not even saying that I think you should keep doing that til the day you die. I am not standing for my H anymore, but only for my kids -- I am not dating and I am just devoting my life to being a family of three and providing for my kids against difficult odds. I'm scared of my H and have reevaluted who he was this whole time, not just since BD. I figure God will make it clear one day if he wants me to have real love from a man sometime. And maybe I'll stray from this path at some point, I do miss having a guy to hang out with and sometimes hang out with guys I know but then retreat without crossing any lines. But I mean true love, true giving of yourself to each other.

Point is -- You are standing even if you decided at some point you didn't want to live this way anymore.

But I just want to say that you have way more faith than you realize. Your entire life and all the choices you are making now are based on it. We can't really know that God exists except by seeing his love given from each of us to the other, especially when that other doesn't deserve it. I don't know if your reward will be that one day your W will love you as she should or that you'll have a new life with a different woman who does or neither or both at different times, but I do know that anyone looking at you loving when your love is not returned has proof that God's love is real. Your children for sure, but also all sorts of people you know are watching and many you don't even know you have impacted.

You are the proof, you are the light.

Last edited by Gerda; 01/28/21 02:55 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gordie, it is always such a treat when you come back and visit. A breath of fresh in a stale room. A less sighted and more succinct DnJ. I hope all the kiddos are doing well. Sounds like you are holding your own.

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good to see you Gordie, as always friend. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Good Morning Gordie

It is wonderful to hear from you. And Im glad you understand me as well. smile

I also recall the ton of bricks upon my head when what it means to stand hit me. Seeing that, understanding that, and then choosing that, gives an inner strength and peace. It comes from ones control of self, the only control we have.

I love seeing your choices, and respect each and every one. Its in those very choices that our blessings within this incredible opportunity unfold. Look at a few of your blessings: Fatherhood is great; work is great; active and happy. Have faith, things do turn out like they are supposed to, and I never imagined Id being living this life either.

Some DnJ-type encouragement for my good friend.

Originally Posted by Gordie
I don't know if I'm doing things right, but I'm trying my hardest to stay true to my values and continue to pray that things turn out how they are supposed to, even if they are different than what I want or how I imagined.

Stop trying your hardest. Realize after all these years you have been doing it - not trying to do it, actually doing it!

Move beyond worrying or knowing if you are doing things right. Live your values and beliefs. Believe it, you are doing things right!

Realize things already are as they are supposed to be - right now. And Ive no doubt things will evolve and progress as all things do, although not on your time, on Gods time. No need to fret and pray for things to turn out like they are supposed to, for they already are. God has not forsaken you. And whatever He holds for your future will be revealed in time. Are you praying for things to turn out like you want or like God wants?

I believe this wording suits you better.
Quote
I am living my values and staying true to my beliefs. My life is much different than I ever imagined and I thank God for being so blessed.


Youre a bright light my friend. Never believe differently.

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Feelings are fleeting.
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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Gordie, it is a pleasure to see you here. I think of you often, as well as Gerda, DNJ and about half a dozen other people on this board. Your insight and perspective are an inspiration to more than you probably know. The way you are living your life through this makes me want to be a better man (always trying to be better). I thank you for that!!

I can not even imagine what it must be like to still live with your MLC'er after all this time. I don't know how you and Gerda do/did that. You have so much to be proud of...I hope you realize that. You are a shining example of what it means to be loyal, faithful, humble, determined, and a giver of unconditional love. So much more to list, but I hope you know and realize these things about yourself. One of the important things to me from the beginning of all this mess was to make decisions that I could be proud of and not regret later, regardless of what that meant at the time. In the emotional upheaval of DB, that was a hard thing to realize and get on the right path with, but I tried hard and I can honestly say that I did it...and so have you!!

I am happy that you seem to be living your happiest life possible within the confines of standing while also exhibiting an ongoing effort to continually improve yourself and those around you. Like I said...you are an inspiration. I'm not glad that life put you in a circumstance to find yourself on these boards, but I AM happy to have met you (even if just digitally). I feel the same for all my dear friends here...especially Gerda, you, and DnJ.

When it gets quiet and you are feeling down, remember that not only do you have friends here, but that we actually think of you often...even if you aren't posting.

I hope your day is a good one. If not, make it one!!


Me: 43 yrs
W: 40 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 18 yrs
Daughter: 16 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
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Gordie, I still think of you all the time and wonder how you are. Your gentle soul is always a light in my mind, and your love of your wife as part of your love for your kids. A poem for you below, reminds me of your slow and steady labor to "bear fruit that would last." I told the same to DnJ -- I would love to send you the book that is changing my life at the moment, Heading Toward Omega. I hope you will find and read it wherever you are!

Happy Father's Day, my friend.

Landscape, Dense with Trees
BY ELLEN BRYANT VOIGT
When you move away, you see how much depends
on the pace of the dayshow much
depended on the haze we waded through
each summer, visible heat, wavy and discursive
as the lazy track of the snake in the dusty road;
and on the habit in town of porches thatched in vines,
and in the country long dense promenades, the way
we sacrificed the yards to shade.
It was partly the heat that made my father
plant so many treestwo maples marking the site
for the house, two elms on either side when it was done;
mimosa by the fence, and as it failed, fast-growing chestnuts,
loblolly pines; and dogwood, redbud, ornamental crab.
On the farm, everything else he grew
something could eat, but this
would be a permanent mark of his industry,
a glade established in the open field. Or so it seemed.
Looking back at the empty house from across the hill,
I see how well the house is camouflaged, see how
that porous fence of saplings, their later
scrim of foliage, thickened around it,
and still he chinked and mortared, planting more.
Last summer, although hed lost all tolerance for heat,
he backed the truck in at the family grave
and stood in the truckbed all afternoon, pruning
the landmark oak, repairing recent damage by a wind;
then he came home and hung a swing
in one of the horse-chestnuts for my visit.
The heat was a hand at his throat,
a fist to his weak heart. But it made a triumph
of the cooler air inside, in the bedroom,
in the maple bedstead where he slept,
in the brick house nearly swamped by leaves

Last edited by Gerda; 06/20/21 03:58 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Originally Posted by SBJ
Gord, catching up today. While I was happy to see your name, I'm terribly sorry to see your name on here. I have cut back to maybe logging on 2x a month to catch up with people.

All we have control of is our relationship with God and our own attitude. Keeping a PMA is tough when we see those we care about struggle, but know that God is working in the background even when we cannot see any changes.

You are an amazing husband and father...keep up the good fight.

I will continue to keep you in my daily prayers!

God bless my brother!!!


Looking for SBJ on Father's Day but his thread is shut down so I will post a poem for him here in case he ever comes along to check. Thinking of you today and hoping you are well and staying close to God. Much love to you from me, and a poem just for you.

In the High Country
by David St. John

Some days I am happy to be no one
The shifting grasses

In the May winds are miraculous enough
As they ripple through the meadow of lupine

The field as iridescent as a Renaissance heaven
& do you see that boy with his arms raised

Like one of Raphaels angels held within
This hush & this pause & the skys lapis expanse?

That boy is my son & I am his only father
Even when I am no one


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gordie, thinking of you today and many other days. Here's a poem gift to one of my favorite fellows on the planet, don't know if you will ever show up here anymore but I hope one day to hear some of your beautiful thoughts again.

- Gerda

Beatitudes
by Khaled Mattawa

1.

My child wants to know if the mountains really cowered.

“How do you know when a sea or a river is afraid?

How do you know when the sky is thinking yes or no?



And why did Adam say yes—Did he know that

all the other creatures refused? Was he arrogant

or just ignorant? Was he God’s last choice?”



2.

“Did you really have a party the day the dictator died?

And you had a cake decorated with all the flags?

Did you think his death will fix everything?



Why did we spend all that time there?

Why couldn’t we just stay here?

Isn’t this our country too?



And all these people fleeing and drowning,

what are they hoping for? Whose fault is it?

How long must we wait for things to improve?”



3.

She speaks to me in our language

in front of her friends, to share a secret,

or—cool and beaming—to show off.



I wonder how long it will last, this pride,

this intimacy. Sometimes she puts her arm

next to mine and tells me I have the lighter skin.



“Why are you doing this,” I ask.

But she doesn’t point to the flag

or say, “It’s the way of the world.”



Instead she tells me not to worry, that she is “the most

kid kid in my class, the least mature one, Baba!”

Not all kinds of wisdom console, I tell her.



Then I begin to think of words she’ll soon hear

that can make her wish she wasn’t who she is.

Lead me to virtue, O love, through the smoke of despair.



4.

“Let’s walk through the woods,” she tells me.

“Let’s walk by the rocky shore at sunrise.”

“Let’s walk through the clover fields at noon.”



In the rainforest she is silent, mesmerized.

She’d never prayed—we never taught her—

but she seemed to then, eyes alert with joy.



She points to a chameleon the size of a beetle,

teaches me the names of flowers and trees,

insects we can eat if we’re ever lost here.



“I’m teaching you how to entrust the world

to me,” she says. “You don’t have to live

forever to shield me from it.”


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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