Friday night, while in North Bay, ex-h called me . He said D16 is crying hysterically. She packed her bags.
He had allowed her to have her phone back for a couple of days and he had to take it away from her once again. She had contacted bf and he was trying to convince her to call the cops on us and say we were hitting her. Telling her how easy it was to free herself.
Ex-h lost it. He called the bf mother and told her what her son was doing. With an attitude, she asked if ex-h was threatening her and he answered no, it' s a fact. I could have him charge with ... She said ok, i don' t want to go on that path. Tell Sarah i wish her the best.
He then gave the phone to D16 who was still hysteric and she asked me to go get her. She did not want to live there. She hates it there. The drugs were over and done. ( tone was firm and felt honest ). She said she did not give a s**t about what bf does with it. She was done 100%.
I asked : what about bf? She said: she still wants to be with him. Apparently he has not touch drugs ever since. He said he would give everything to the cops if they showed up at the door.
She wants to go back to work. She wants to get bf away from that environment he is in and spend more time here with us.
Now, i do not know what to do again. Do i give him another chance? Do i take the risk? How about ex-h who did all this for her? Barganing stage..
For now, D16 is still at ex-h's. I told her i needed to think hard about this. I would get back to her later on this week.
I have counselling in a couple of hours. I will bring it up with her and see if she can shed some light on me.
I believe people can change. It is up to them if they will or won’t.
Watch and follow the actions and not the words.
Everyone deserves a chance; the consequences and repercussions of their poor choices; and once they are over the age of majority respect to make and live their own decisions.
My idea of a second chance is more of a perpetual opportunity to better themselves. There will be applied rules, guidelines, limiting of risk, and boundaries derived from their behaviours, however the door is not bolted shut.
It is a bit tricky to figure out where we fit in to their difficult and usually lengthy process. For the most part I think (if they are willing) gentle guidance, a few course corrections, and boundaries are all we can really do. It is up to them.
As I said, I believe people can change.
This is a core value of mine.
When someone wants to be better - I am all for it.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Quick update: D16 is back home. She is also back to work and so am i.
Her boyfriend is out of the picture and has left town with another girl. D16 was heartbroken. On July first, ( Canada day ), she snapped out of her despair after being approach by many, many people who D16 had pushed aside for her boyfriend. She realised that she had MANY PEOPLE who cared about her and were so happy she had left him.
That night, after we got home from the fireworks, she washed all the writings off her mirrors. She took a long bath and braided her hair. She was smilling again. From that day on, i had my funny, corky daughter back.
As for ex-h, he called me only once to see how she was doing.
He has seen her 3 times since.
First time, he took her shopping. He offered to buy her a winter jacket. She really liked one she had chosen but ex-h desagreed. He got her one of HIS choice. She did not like it but it did not matter, that is the one she got.
She texted him to ask if she could go and spend the week-end with him.. no answer.
A few days later, she texted him to ask when her data would be reset. No answer.
D 18 also texted him that same week and did not get an answer.
9 days later, D16 finally gets an answer. No apology, no explainations, nothing.
In the middle of the week, at 2h00pm, he tries to CALL D16. She was at school thetefor did not answer his call. He got pissed off.
Second visit: First thing he tells D16: " where is the jacket i got you? This one is ugly"
Her: " It' s inside. It is too mild to wear it." Him: ok... i' ll give you that. What about your new boots you got with your mom? Her: inside also. Him: (arrogant) why are you losing weight, are you sick or something?" Her: no
They get to the restaurant and it goes on.. Him: i think i' m gonna be sick it' s all old people here. Look at this one, she must be atleast 80.
The waitress knows ex-h and me. She had not seen him in years. She was happy to see him and says:" woww Nelson, you lost alot of weight"
He gets all insulted and replies: what? Do i look sick? D16 was embarrassed the whole night. Once she got home, she let it all out.. told me everything about it..
D18' s reading week. She spent a couple of days with her dad and the rest of the week with me. The first thing she told me was: Dad is in one of his mood.. easily irritable, angry, nasty, mean, unpleasable.
I said : he must be having trouble with his OW. She says: i think so to. She was going to work and as soon as she closed the door behind her, he said: this won' t last much longer.
Last week-end, D16 had a Volley-ball tournement. I gave her the choice of coming with me to North Bay or do her tournement with a promise of following the rules. She chose to stay.
Saturday night, she texted me that her dad wanted to pick her up at 1h00pm on Sunday to have supper with her. She added an angry smily face and a yay.
Sunday: 1h20 i receive another text from D16 who said... still waiting.. (angry face)
1h45... text: leaving now.. finally I asked her to let me know when she would make her way back home. ( i did not want to be there since he is in a high.)
5h00pm ...D16 texted me: Brooke ( an employee of mine ) is in town. She offered me to hop-in with her so dad would not have to drive me back and she would have companie for the ride back home.
5h30pm... Another text: Nevermind, dad won' t let me because it is dark outside..arrrrggggg... Me: Does he knows where i am? D16: yes.he interogated me as soon as i got in the truck. Me: was he mad? D16: not at you. He accused me of going partying, getting drunk, staying up all night .... ( she did not.. she was on line with us.she was home. Her and D18 were sending recorded videos back and forth.)
( i am getting the feeling that he is trying to see me)
I left North Bay at 4h00pm. 7h00pm: D16: still waiting for him.. 7h30: still not gone yet..
( he' s gonna time it with my arrival.. nope... not gonna happen )
Once in Matheson, i took a little break.. i drove around and looked at Christmas decorations. Waisted 20 minutes..
Once in my town, went straight to the bank.. updated my books. Got myself a coffee and finally went home.D16 was there. She had just arrived 10 min.before me. She said he made her inspect the entire house before leaving because she had not locked the door.
He looked at the tire tracks in my driveway.. he walked all around the house. He looked at all the footsteps in the yard.
I was expecting a phone call to answer to what he saw as their was 4 different tire tracks in my driveway. All known by me..lol
On Saturday evening, when D16' s texted came in, it started a ex-h discussions amoungst my kids. S21,D23 and D18. I stayed out of it because i get very angry and agitated when i get involved. D18 reported a text she had received out of the blue about his OW who would be in the street if he was to break it off as everything was under HIS name..
I did say my 2 cents on this one: yup..that is how he works. He has full control. But if he does leave her, he will give her the 4runner. But nothing else.
Today, 2 of his constables came to the store to grab lunch. As soon as i saw them, my anger was felt inside. One of them glanced at me twice. I walked away. My co-worker said: " did you notice the one that looked at you when you were in the isle? " Me: yes. I walked away.. Her: he came last week and stood infront of the freezer stairring in our department as if he was looking for you. Me: i don' t want to have nothing to do with any of them! Her: if he would have asked for you, i would have said that you had quit..lol Me: YESSSS!!! Thank you!! Lol
Christmas is coming. I have one gift left to purchase and some baking to do. D18 surprised me with a visit with her boyfriend. We decorated inside and outside. It will be a good year this year. Even with ex-h' s mood, everybody else seem in the spirit of Christmas!!
OMG! So happy that D16's BF took off and she came out of her fog. It's hard enough to be abandoned by a spouse but when they leave us to be the sole parent handling these kid things, it's super hard.
You're doing good, girlfriend. Ignore your ex and celebrate the holidays with your kids.
I should post more often.. i always forget bits and pieces..
The last time she saw her dad, she came back with 2 tubes of acnee cream that she throu on the table. Me: Are you serious? Her Yup! He got me those... ( upset ) Me: i swear he is stuck somewhere. . Did you know that before he left, back when we all had something wrong.. Teeth too yellow, too fat, too many pimples etc.. Kate was the pimple face according to him and i was really tired of us being threated this way. We went shopping and bought creams, facials, napkins, tons of skin product that he paid for. We shoved them in the bathroom cabinet and when they expired, we thew them out. He accused of a eating too much chocolate and drinking too much pop.. has' nt he ever heard of puberty? D16: ( laughing ) he asked me if i was drinking pop and eating chocolate?? Me: ( laughing ) he is 4 years too late.. your skin is perfect. That stage is long past..
Baked any Christmas pies yet exquisitetobe? How long again will it take me to get there?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you KML. I knew her boyfriend would be harder to give up then the drugs. He did not stay single for very long. D16 was shocked to see he did not even try to keep her or even wait to atleast talk. It hit her hard. She got very depressed. She dropped to the floor crying. I kneeled beside her for awhile. Later, i went upstairs to get her a glass of water, a cold cloth and a tylenol as i knew she would have a migraine after crying for so long. While upstairs, i heard 3 loud bang, bang, bang as if she was punching the floor. I returned to her room, offered her some water and she pushed it away. I grabbed the cloth and wiped her neck, face and forehead. She pulled away and said "ouch". Me: oh [censored], you hit your head on the wall!! You have an egg forming on your forehead. I used the glass of water to keep the cloth cold because i did not want to leave her room again. We stayed on the floor for hours.. she cried until she had nothing left. I told her: " come, i' ll help you to get you to your bed. You will cry yourself to sleep. This is what is coming next".
She was drained!! She laid down and finally stopped crying. I left her to rest. After about 30 min., i went to tcheck on her. She was still awake. She asked me if she could go meet a friend of hers later but first, if we could go drive around for her to get some fresh air. Without hesitation, i said yes. We drove around for about 30 min. Then, we went to Tim Horton where she was suppose to meet her friend. She was' nt there.. D16 started crying again. She felt ALONE.. no friends, no boyfriend, no job, nothing. We went back home and she ran to her room where she cried and cried. I did not know what to do anymore. I told her: "Let' s go!, i need to get you out of here. Let' s go see your sisters and brother." Again, she was drained and weak physically. I asked her if she wanted me to take her to the hospital. She said yes. The doctor ( whom i adore ) spent 2 HOURS with us. He spoke to her, to me one on one and to her again. He offered her instant councelling. She refused but he did make her feel better. Once home, she took a bath to relax and went to bed. The next day, we did go visit her sibling.. doctor' s order; reconnect with her family and friends. It got better slowly until Canada day where she did a complete turn around. Thank God!!!
It was very hard.
DNJ, you are probably decorating or gone shopping but i wanted to say thank you and i wish you a very merry Christmas!!!!
Andrew, According to google, you are 7h33 min. from my house. I did not bake anything yet. Shall i wait for you?? Lol
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
The wedding that was suppose to take place on June 20th ( the day of Bomb 11 uears ago ) got push to Oct 10th ( my parents' wedding day, my ex mother-in-law' s bday. no need to say that i liked this daye better. ) because of Covid.
I spent countless sleepless night worrying about this day. I knew ex-h would be there with his gf.
On Saturday morning, son seemed very quiet. I asked him if he had a good sleep and he said he didn' t feel good. I kept my eyes on him. A bit later, he tells me that he will probably be driving back to his place after the wedding supper. I told him : " you do know it is a 5 hour drive right? ". He jumps up angry and says: " the other one ( his dad ) has my suit and he won' t answer my text or calls. He wants to make sure i' ll have to go to his room and i' ll be stuck with him and his gf all night. He will ruin it for me. I' m gonna go drive around a bit. Do you want a coffee when i come back? "
Me: " yes please! " ( scared that he might just go home. )
While he was away, i told his sisters what was happening and we came with a plan B. Bring 2 vehicule so if ex-h is messing with any one of us, some can leave and some can stay. Plus, we would shield my son.( meaning one of ud be by his side at all time ). I also added: " your dad never showed his Jekyll & Hyde side to mononcle Jasmin therefor, if he starts, go sit with mononcle and you will see his attitude change very quickly.
We left North Bay at 2pm and arrived at the resort around 4h15. My sisters were already there.
The ceremony was taking place on the beach. There was 44 of us present. The first few row were reserved for immediate family. First row was for me and my children. To the left, the groom' s parents, brother and sister. Behind me, ex-h, huge space ( big enough for another chair wich was NOT the way they were placed when we arrived ), beside her, my BIL, sister, other BIL , sister.
I was very nervous. My sisters could see it and use humour to cheer me up. The ceremony was fun, unusual and yet very BEAUTIFUL!
Daughter did not ask ex-h to walk her down the isle she walked alone and gave herself to her future husband.
Photos: again, me and my kids as a group. Ex-h sneaked his wat into a few of them by standing beside me while leaving a space in between us. His gf was taking pics.
Supper: table of honour was bride, groom, the 2 brides maid and their bf, the 2 groomsmen and their gf. First table, me and my kids. Beside us, Groom' s family. Third in the corner, ex-h, gf and adult friends of the bride and groom. Next row , uncles, aunts. Third row, friends.
Again, a huge space between ex-h and gf. I was under the impression he did NOT want her to come.
Ex-h approached me on many occasions. Our pack was looking out for eachother. ( i felt very safe and so did they.) He was very polite, kind and loving to ALL OF US. ( i felt, just a little bit, sorry for his gf).
Speaches: the groom' s father honoured both, his son and my daughter. He also added that he beleives his son his an amazing guy because he has her by his side and she makes him a better man.
Ex-h: he shared a memory of my daughter when she was about 6 months old. He came to tears while sharing his story. All of a sudden, the speach turned into all 4 children. How proud he his of them, how smart they are, how dumbfounded he feels when having serious talk with them and again, tears in his eyes says ( while looking straight at me): It his really hard for me to be here. I want to say so much more but i have taken enough of your time. He then looks at the bride and grooms and cheers.
We all looked at one another, shaken up and very vulnerable.
We did not have a dance, we had a bonfire on the beach of the resort. We needed to change in the truck. I was cold in my little dress. Once everyone had changed, we decided to go to the bathroom before going to the beach. I asked D17 to come with me incase i met ex-h and gf. And we did. Ex-h tried to do small talk and i cut him off saying i had to go badly. D17 looked at me with a little smile and relief. Oh, forhot to mention, resort and beach, 90 steps up and 90 steps down.. lol
We were last to arrive. Ex-h jumps up and offers me his spot. I gently refused and stayed standing. BIL gets up and tells ex-h to sit with his gf that he was gonna go sit with his.lol ( my sister. married for 40 years). Ex-h sits but at the end of the bench beside where i was standing. Again, we all looked at eachother with a " what on earth?" kind if look.
My circle got bigger and bigger.. we were laughing and having a good time. My family left around 8pm to drive back. They stayed at D25' s house for the night.
Gf was just sitting there being ignored all night. Ex-h stood up and came standing by me while the kids were sharing crazy teenager's stories they had. Ex-h laughed for the first time since his arrival. At 11pm, he asked if we would be leaving soon as it was getting late and we had a 2 hour drive. I said: yes, soon. He said he was going to bed. He kissed our kids good night, said bye to everybody and came straight infront of me and said: " i wanted to say more earlier remember? Well, what i wanted to say was thank you for raising our kids so well. They make me very proud and i only have you to thank for it. Please, be careful on the road, drive safe, take care and thanks again!
As they walked towards the stairs, gf grabbed ex-h' s hand and he pulled away from her.
I feel a separation on the horizon for those 2.
Our final thought!! Great night for ALL OF US! Sadden by ex-h but son said: " i feel bad for him to but he got himself in that position. It is up to him to build the bridges he destroyed" .
