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A Message from Michele
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Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 #2848285
05/07/19 01:56 PM
05/07/19 01:56 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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Link to old:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2847845#Post2847845

Not much new to report. No kid introductions yet or discussions regarding the subject. She just comments whenever I meet her son. I felt my feelings for intensify last week for some reason, not sure why. I think it had to do with days she was busy and pulled back some. I think I like her more than I realize I do.

No I love you's yet either although I am starting to feel it more each day.

We went and saw the Avenger movie on Saturday night. It was enjoyable although I have only seen the Iron Man movies so I must admit I was lost at times. We had dinner before then I spent the night at her place.

I will see her tonight, maybe again on Thursday and then we are kid free for the entire weekend. Friday we are going out to her ranch but I am not sure what we are doing the rest of the weekend.

Soccer season is almost over. I don't think my youngest daughter is going to play in the fall. She hates practice, doesn't want to go and I don't think she is having fun any more. My XW also said if she is not going to enjoy it then essentially she is not going to take her so if I feel strongly about her playing then it is essentially on me to make it happen. Outside of my XW's stance it is frustrating for me because my youngest plays Academy and is really good but if she doesn't want to practice and gets upset about it (crys at times) then I don't want to force her to go.

She really likes basketball so maybe soccer just isn't her sport. My oldest is different, enjoys practice, etc.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848306
05/07/19 03:35 PM
05/07/19 03:35 PM
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Twofeet Offline
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J9,

My Dad is a big golfer. He used to shove golf down my throat by the bucketful. I used to like it, but then it became a chore and no fun. I had to do it because my dad wanted me to. Eventually, I hated it so much I quit the varsity golf team my freshman year mid-season. I have never golfed since that time. Sounds like you are not going to push soccer on your daughter. Just giving you a perspective from someone forced to play a sport they didn't like.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848315
05/07/19 04:07 PM
05/07/19 04:07 PM
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kml Online
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Quote
it is frustrating for me because my youngest plays Academy and is really good but if she doesn't want to practice and gets upset about it (crys at times) then I don't want to force her to go.


Ah, the perennial parenting problem - how to navigate between being the overbearing parent who makes them hate the activity, versus quitting too soon when it's just that they got a little lazy for a couple of weeks and wanted a break from practice?

I faced this with my kids with music lessons. I didn't care what instrument they chose, nor did I care if they practiced at home. I just cared that they picked SOMETHING and that they went every week. Some weeks they would complain about going, but it was usually just a temporary "I'm tired of going every week", not "I hate music and don't want to play.

So if she likes another sport like basketball, let her do that. Just maybe try to see what exactly is her motivation - does she not like the coach, are some of the girls mean to her, does she not think she's good enough, is she suffering from a physical problem ? (I had undiagnosed iron deficiency anemia as a child that led to me quitting ballet, which I loved - but I was too exhausted.).

Btw - my youngest son changed musical instruments several times - 1 year violin, then trumpet (which he excelled at but quit because he didn't like the music). He then chose guitar and I swear didn't practice at all for a whole year - but ended up playing Hendrix. In his 20's he went on tour with a friend's band playing bass - which he had never touched a bass guitar before - and got many compliments on his playing. Right now he mostly composes electronic music and occasionally DJs. I'm just glad (and he is too) that I didn't let him quit completely after trumpet, but didn't pressure him to much either. It's all about the middle way I think.

Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848323
05/07/19 04:33 PM
05/07/19 04:33 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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Thanks guys.....I am not going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do and burn her out. When she played recreation soccer for the city she scored 3 to 5 goals per game. Now that she has moved up and is playing better competition she isn't scoring like she used to so I think it no longer fun. They are also now practicing twice a week vs one time and week and I think she is also tired after being at school all day. My kids stay at their school in an extended school day program until my XW or I get off of work and can pick them up. On nights they have soccer they are not getting home until 7 at night so they don't have the luxury that some of the kids have that have a parent that stays at home. So I think she is tired as well.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848338
05/07/19 05:20 PM
05/07/19 05:20 PM
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Having spent a good portion of my adulthood in the education field, I see all the time, parents who force their kids to do certain activities and it burns kids out, so it is good that you are not going to force your daughter to continue on with soccer. One thing that I notice is that some parents tend to have their kids too overscheduled. Now, I'm not saying that is the case with your children, but in general, that does seem to be a trend. It is ok for them to have some time where they can just stay home and do homework, have family time or play outside. I used to work with a lady who was a relatively young single mother (mid-30's) and she had 4 kids, all under the age of 13. She worked a full-time job and had her kids in all sorts of activities: karate, theater, track, music, art, church. She was (is) one of those hippy dippy types who is an anti-vaxxer, GMO/organic farmer "expert", conspiracy theorist, snowflake mama who claims she is not any of those things, but then she almost got herself fired because she never did her d@mn job and spent all her time complaining to the big boss about how her immediate supervisor was out to get her. Well, no, immediate supervisor wasn't out to get her. Immediate supervisor was just tired of having to always pick up the slack for her or ask me or another responsible party to do it. It got old quick, but I digress. She didn't keep her kids on a routine and would regularly keep them out in town until late at night while she herself went to a muy thai class or something like that. And, then she would try to justify it by saying that the kids wanted to do it, but when you would see pics, the kids would be in the background working on homework or sleeping on the floor instead of participating in the class. Then, she couldn't figure out why her kids didn't do well in school and it was always the teachers' faults for not teaching correctly instead of the kids' faults for not doing the work or her fault for keeping them out so late.

Sorry, I'm hijacking the thread here, but I just think that there is a great deal of importance for kids to have structure and routine and just be kids. I'm not saying they shouldn't be involved in activities because activities outside of the classroom are good for them and are learning experiences in their own rights. But, there is definitely a danger in over-scheduling kids to the point that they are just worn out.


Me 50, H51
3 adult daughters from XH's first marriage (plus 4 grandkids)
Divorce final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
1 adult daughter and bonus daughter-in-law from current H's first marriage
Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848347
05/07/19 06:30 PM
05/07/19 06:30 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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The only activities they have are sports. The biggest issue is that we both work which wouldn't be a huge deal if we were still married. Being a single parent complicates things as you are rushing out of work to get them from school to get them to practice. They are essentially gone from home from 7:30 am to 7 pm Mon, Tues, and Thurs.

When I take my girls to practice 96% of the time it's the mom dropping off. I know most of them and they all stay at home. So their kids have the luxury of being picked up from school when it lets out at 3 thus having 2.5 hours at home to relax, do homework, etc. My girls go from school to extended school day so they really only 45 min or so at the end of the day to relax and do whatever. This impacts their homework. If we were still married 1 kid could stay home and the other could go to practice but since they are not old enough to be left by themselves yet they both have to go to practice even if it is not their scheduled night.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848350
05/07/19 06:43 PM
05/07/19 06:43 PM
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Yeah, I get it. I wasn't implying that yours are overscheduled. Their schedule is a product of necessity and you don't seem to have them signed up for a ton of different things. While I'm sure being a single parent throws a big wrench in it, even if you were still married and both working, there would be compromises. Overall, I was just saying that in general kids are overscheduled and it is good that you are letting her take a step back from soccer, if that is what she wants to do. You (and from the things you post about your XW) really do seem to have the kids' best interests at heart. I sometimes wonder with some parents (like the lady I worked with from my earlier post).


Me 50, H51
3 adult daughters from XH's first marriage (plus 4 grandkids)
Divorce final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
1 adult daughter and bonus daughter-in-law from current H's first marriage
Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848355
05/07/19 07:16 PM
05/07/19 07:16 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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Yes....but I can work with the compromises. I don't mind taking them to practice but it's the rushing around that gets old, them changing in the back seat of the car because I don't have time to take them home and the biggest issue is them not having some down time between school ending and practice beginning.

If we were a two parent household the XW could pick them up at 4:30 and they would have been home for roughly an hour before practice started. They would also not have to attend each other's practices and would be able to stay home with the other parent thus having 3 nights a week with nothing going on. Right now they only get two, one of which is Friday night since they can't be left home alone.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848407
05/08/19 11:58 AM
05/08/19 11:58 AM
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Yes, things are easier in a 2 parent household.

But that isnít your sitch, so no use talking about it.

You do have a blessing to your sitch though. You and your ex live close, you coparent well. Be flexible. Maybe one parent can keep one kid during practice and the other can go with the other parent to practice? I think you guys have the capability to be flexible to make it work for the kids.

Did you consider your kids might be better off with an after school sitter/nanny? Someone to meet them at the bus, bring them home and do homework with them and get them ready for sports instead of paying for an after school program for 2 kids?

You are actually in a very good position to make the single parent situation work for you and your kids. Got to think outside of the box

I come from a town where there are not many stay at home moms. Unless you are rich in my state, it doesnít happen much . We all make it work some how .



I agree, if a kid is miserable in an activity or sport, no need to force them to go. I agree with the follow through, your kid isnít quitting in the middle of the season. And also remember, your kids may not always be like you and be sports people. My daughter is not sports girl. And thats ok. She is not competitive at all. She does cheerleading every year. She began tennis lessons once a week. But she likes the little clubs the school has to offer. She is an excellent swimmer but hates the drills for swim team. She did for a session. Iím not going to spend my time and money if she is miserable

Re: Moving on to the Brightside Part 26 [Re: TBSakaJ9] #2848428
05/08/19 01:52 PM
05/08/19 01:52 PM
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TBSakaJ9 Offline OP
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Well the arrangement would be that my XW would drop them off at practice when it is her week to have them, take the other one home with her that doesn't and then I would pick them up from practice and bring to her.

When it is my week she would not do the same. She lives farther away from their schools etc. so when it is my week I would have them both and make it happen. I live 1 miles from their school, where they practice etc.

She lives about 5 miles away which when driving through town is about 10 to 15 min through traffic. It is also on the opposite side of town which would cause her to back track. When it is her off week she is not involved and will only attend a practice if one of the girls requests it.

I am not judging her just stating the facts. When she is off the clock she is off the clock. When I am off the clock I am still actively involved.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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