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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
"WTF is she getting at? If you don't want to be with me, why do you care about whether or not I recognize you?????"

One of two reasons is manipulation and validation as her backup plan, the other is maybe she does actually care? But if she did? Wouldn't her actions show it? Believe none of what they say and half of what they do. Stop feeding their ego's. Your are proud of her... That's enough. You are not her sister, her mother, etc. You are her husband. She shouldn't expect the same emotional reaction from someone who wasn't raised within her family. It would however be you're responsibility to respond in her language, if you were on good terms. But she fired you as her husband remember?

Something I observed and realized in my sich over the last 7 months from reading and therapy. When two people are dating, they have a lot in common. But when they are married, especially when kids are involved. Have you noticed that the dynamics of our model of relationships and parenting seeps out from what our parents modeled for us? Wether it be dysfunctional or not? I noticed a lot of my father coming out in me after my son was born on how I respond to things. I'm not nearly has hard headed or verbally abrasive as he was, but it comes out. I came from a conflict family. In other words we would discuss EVERYTHING from emotions, to quarrels, to theories and mindsets, etc. My W family not so much. They are great conversationalists, but avoid conflict. Thus having poor boundaries, expression, assertiveness.

Just using that dynamic as an example. What I am saying is that, it is good to learn how to respond to meet your W emotional needs, if you are on good terms. But if W is cheating, second guessing the M, using achievement moments for validation? Why would she deserve it? The door swings both ways. if she acted like a wife you would treat her like ones if she treated you like her husband then you would act like one


This is great insight IHCLACS. I have actually seen some things in my MIL over the years. She's very strong, very proud, but boy, she sure does fish to be affirmed ALOT. This looks suspiciously familiar.

Man, my W is really lost. All of these mixed signals. Not much to do with me at our Ds award ceremony this morning, but told me ILY when we left for work.

I just feel like I do need to address the dishonesty and secrecy if she wants to work for something. I'm fine to give her time and space (lots of DB and GAL for me) but she can't have everything. I'd like to see some transparency, it doesn't have to be MC right away again, IC is fine.


H46
W38
M12
T15
D8,S7,S5

11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began
7/12/18 Confessed A
10/1/19 EA still happening with 2
4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
si13 #2850399 05/23/19 05:05 PM
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Originally Posted by si13
I just feel like I do need to address the dishonesty and secrecy if she wants to work for something. I'm fine to give her time and space (lots of DB and GAL for me) but she can't have everything. I'd like to see some transparency, it doesn't have to be MC right away again, IC is fine.

Again how are you going to address it?
S: W I won't be in a relationship with someone who lies and is dishonest.
W: ok

You then catch her in another lie. What are the consequences?

On a side note. What does the word transparency mean to you?

si13 #2850404 05/23/19 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by si13
I told her this morning I'd like to speak with her tonight.


DB rule #1- Do Not Initiate R talks.


DO not bring it up. Be supper busy doing something. If she brings it up:

"I can't talk right now. I have something important to do." then leave.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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I guess the answer is if I can't hold fast to a boundary consequence, to just continue DBing.

Since the discovery of at least her attempt to reach out to old AP happened this week, I just feel so f********* angry and the need to tell her. But like Steve says, if she chose to gangbang 100 dudes, I should let it roll off my back.

My boundary can be internal I suppose, not to strike fear or provide a wake up experience, but for myself. I am closer and closer to being resolved to being done with this little "find myself" experiment. I want my self respect. And I intend to exercise it if I see this b*********** anymore.

I'm being more than reasonable providing for her, taking care of our kids, while she wallows in "I think I want a D, but will stay here to go out and party while I wait for a job".

I'm detaching just enough now to feel better about my success after it's potentially all over.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/23/19 06:40 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

H46
W38
M12
T15
D8,S7,S5

11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began
7/12/18 Confessed A
10/1/19 EA still happening with 2
4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
si13 #2850421 05/23/19 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted by si13
But like Steve says, if she chose to gangbang 100 dudes, I should let it roll off my back.

WTF??? No you file for divorce.

Originally Posted by si13
My boundary can be internal I suppose, not to strike fear or provide a wake up experience, but for myself.

WTF does this mean?

Originally Posted by si13
I'm being more than reasonable providing for her, taking care of our kids, while she wallows in "I think I want a D, but will stay here to go out and party while I wait for a job".

Do you think this makes you more attractive or less attractive in her eyes?

Look man, I know this is tough but if you continue like this you are going to be in excruciating pain for a really long time.

You received a gift by having a face to face with one of the best vets on here and I am not sure you walked away any wiser.

Last edited by Cadet; 05/23/19 06:44 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
si13 #2850437 05/23/19 07:29 PM
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You're at 11 pages, please start a new thread and do the linking like you did last time!

Originally Posted by si13
Man, my W is really lost. All of these mixed signals. Not much to do with me at our Ds award ceremony this morning, but told me ILY when we left for work.


Well it's not really mixed signals, she just "loves" you as a friend, or a family member (like a brother or uncle or something).

Quote
I just feel like I do need to address the dishonesty and secrecy if she wants to work for something.


But she hasn't given you any indication that she wants to work on anything, right? Just says she is confused and trying to "find herself". So if you apply any pressure to her she's not going to react well to it.

Quote
I'd like to see some transparency, it doesn't have to be MC right away again, IC is fine.


"Transparency" would be her giving you full access to her social media accounts and phone. That's not something you can demand from a WAS unless she has expressed interest in reconciling, and she's not there yet. Not even close by the sound of it. I think you said she's about to start IC again soon didn't you? Unfortunately that's not likely to help your sitch any, most IC's are just great at "telling them what they want to hear".

Last edited by AnotherStander; 05/23/19 07:31 PM.

Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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